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Lady Sydney
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 Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 11:44 pm Post subject: My |
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I'm not sure where this goes! Please move it if it's in the wrong place. Enjoy!
My. How big you’ve grown.
Like a full blossomed daisy in Spring.
Your stem grows longer,
Day after day.
Look at you.
You’ve become a beautiful Summer bird,
Ready to fly out on her own,
Away from the comfort of her nest.
As though a leaf on an Autumn day,
You change colors when the time is right.
Flowing with the wind,
Rather than just tumbling to the ground.
Such curves like a snowman,
Sculpted gorgeously in Winter.
Your purpose, your goal,
Lighting the fireplace of your eyes.
My. How big you’ve grown.
You’re so ready for the world.
And though I‘m proud you‘re off to college.
I secretly wish that weren’t so. |
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Last edited by Lady Sydney on Sat Jan 12, 2008 9:59 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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bubblewrapped
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| Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 12:07 am Post subject: |
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Hey Sydstix!
I must say I liked this - the tone was just right, a mixture of playfulness and regret, and some of your images were very striking. I do feel that the flow was somewhat awkward in places, namely in the third and the last stanza, so you might want to play with the line length there a little to balance things out. And I think you might be missing an "it" in the last line?
Overall, though, a charming poem. I'll have to keep my eye out for some more of your work 
Cheers,
~bubbles |
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Audy
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| Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 1:30 am Post subject: |
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Aw, I liked this =) It relates to me in so many ways.
Loved how you incorporated the seasons to show the passing of time, it really enforces the point of 'growing up so fast'.
I agree with bubblewrapped, the imagery and metaphors you've used here was brilliant! I especially enjoyed the fourth stanza and I liked how you repeated the beginning in the last stanza, and of course the ending was priceless.
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Your stem grows longer,
Day after day.
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I think you can add on to these two lines--they're the weakest lines of the poem in my opinion, plus it kind of messes up the flow because they're are so short compared to the others.
Hope I've helped, I really loved this =) Keep writing!
~ Audy |
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Lady Sydney
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| Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 1:48 am Post subject: |
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Thank you for your comments, bubble and Audy!  They were very helpful in letting me know how I should write the rest of my poems from here on out. So thanks!
-Syd |
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Cade
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| Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 4:53 am Post subject: |
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I enjoyed the tone and rhythm of this poem, but the content didn't really stand out to me. I felt that the growing-up-seasons similes were rather basic, almost childish. I think you could definitely pull of this seasons thing, but it needs to be subtle. Instead of saying, "This object is like this object. Explanation," it's better to present them both without drawing super-direct connections. That ruins all the fun for the reader!
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| My, my, my. How big you’ve grown. |
I'd cut the "My, my, my," down to only one simple "My." The repetition seems unimportant and the same effect could be achieved with just one simple word. Same goes for last stanza.
-Colleen |
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Lady Sydney
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| Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 5:50 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks for your input, Cade! I've reduced it down to one "my" now. ^_^ |
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Rory Lewis
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| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 12:15 am Post subject: |
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I really liked this, although Cade has a point it almost seems childish but at the same time Grown up. Anway this poem relates to me in some ways and it could use some work on the first stanza I really liked it but to me it really didn't fit in with the rest of the poem.
~Rory Lewis~ |
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Lady Sydney
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| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 3:47 am Post subject: |
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| Ah. I see what you mean. Thanks! |
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yoha_ahoy
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| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 7:24 pm Post subject: |
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I like the general theme and the seasonal theme throughout. I agree that it is awkward in some places though which I'm sure you can figure out. Just work on the flow of some phrases and I'm sure you could have a great poem here! Keep writing!
~Yoyo  |
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Lady Sydney
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| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 9:13 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks yoha_ahoy! ^_^ |
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cjaques
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| Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 12:45 am Post subject: |
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| Personally I like your poem. I like how you picked something to represent a person or thing. The flow was a little off when I was reading it, but still Good work!! |
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darkdove
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| Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 5:57 pm Post subject: |
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| i like this poem its like nothing i've read before. |
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Lady Sydney
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| Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 9:34 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks a bunch cjaques and darkdove! Your comments are much appreciated. ^_^
~*Syd*~ |
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