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Sleeping Valor
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 Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 3:37 am Post subject: DoaV : Pilot section |
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Thanks a bunch to everyone who read this and liked it, I really appreciated your comments. The story is under way, please check out Chapter 1 (which includes this little section and will soon include the dream which I posted further down in this thread).
Hugs for everyone!
^*^*^*^
Apparently, the man who said ‘you are what you choose to be’ was a liar. A really horrible liar who took joy in instilling in innocent little children the belief that they could choose their own destiny and be whoever they wanted to be. If he’s still alive, someone should help him realize the error of his ways. It will start like this: “Sir, since you can choose your destiny, why don’t you decide you’re going to live, while me and my knife decide you’re going to die, and see who’s will is stronger."
Yazra stopped writting and groaned in frustration, realizing the immoral direction her thoughts had taken. “Why is it so hard to be good?” She wailed. “I haven’t even written a page and already it’s corrupted!”
As if he’d made a comment, Yazra turned to Dr. Halon and sighed. “Don’t lie to me doctor, you didn’t believe that ‘you can do and be anything you set your mind to’ crap either. Thanks for the journal though, so generous of you. Which reminds me…”
Yazra tucked her new journal into the front of her pants and want to lean over the doctor as he say slumped in his chair and gave him a warm flirtatious smile, or at least what she hoped was a flirtatious smile. He’d never notice his purse missing, he was dead after all. After a quick search, she stood up strait, slipping her spoils into various hidden folds in her oversized shirts.
She looked one last time at her handy work, wondering if anyone would believe he’d committed suicide. With King Yolan dying from illness and his son a spoiled monster, there were many who believed the country was destined for ruin. Some people opted for a quick painless death. She was sure there would be at least a few people who were happy to see the doctor gone, she highly doubted she was the first girl he’d tried to force himself on. Suddenly remembering the feel of his warm breath on her neck and his hands on her hips, she shivered violently. “You brought this on yourself.” she said quietly, wishing she felt something stronger than indifference for her actions.
Hearing someone outside, she quickly let herself out of the doctors in home office and hurried upstairs. From the attic she’d be able to climb up unto the roof and make her get-away. By the time Mr. Maybell served her the dinner at the corner table in his tavern down the street, she’d completely put the afternoon’s sins behind her.
^*^*^ |
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Last edited by Sleeping Valor on Mon Mar 10, 2008 10:03 pm; edited 10 times in total |
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Heatherish
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| Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 4:21 am Post subject: |
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okay, first and foremost i am VERY interested so keep writing this.
now here are the things i think u should tweak or elaborate on:
-the first quote doesnt have ending quotation marks (just a silly little thing i picked up)
-what is she writing? was the whole paragraph meant to be her writing or thinking?
-why does she feel immoral about "the immoral direction her thoughts had taken"? she just killed a man. i mean yeah, she says he deserved it, but if she was only thinking about killing some guy who said something she doesnt agree with then why is it such a big thing to her?
-also "Yazra" is an odd name. will that be explained in the future?
-also this "journal" i hope you elaborate on that in the future
-purse? is that like wallet? sorry maybe thats a dumb question
-i like that you tell us that why she killed him but you dont necessarily need to go into details from the way you wrote it. good job.
-who is mr. maybell?
-you said "served her THE dinner" instead of "served HER dinner" or just "served dinner" i suppose
- "By the time Mr. Maybell served her the dinner the kind doctor’s purse had provided for her, she’d completely put the afternoon’s sins behind her."
(was that her PREDICTING how she would feel later or was that a jump into the future? i couldnt tell)
thats all for now. again i REALLY hope you continue with this because it is really interesting so far |
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Sleeping Valor
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| Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 4:34 am Post subject: |
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The italic's is her writting, though I am debating if it should be her thoughts just because then I'd have to find another way to indicate thoughts. So it maybe change.
The explanation for the name and for how she feels is comming. But in short, she's spent all her life trying to be a good person and despite her hard worked failed miserably. She blames it on her parents who were both 'bad guys' and as a reuslt were offed by good guys early in her life.
Journal is an iffy one. I might be getting rid of it and just making her a person who thinks alot to herself. =P
Mr. Maybell is a caracter, I might get rid of the name and make it some non-descript tavern.
Oh yeah, 'purse' is for the time period. This one' set in the past (you know, knights, villages, that stuff). |
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Heatherish
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| Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 5:06 am Post subject: |
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okay okay okay okay that clears A LOT up thanks!!
by the way the italics didnt show up....if you had them on some kind of word processor of sorts you have to go back and italicize it on the thread again...it might clear some more stuff up if you went back and fixed that. |
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Sleeping Valor
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| Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 11:27 am Post subject: |
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| =P I didn't see that. Thanks! |
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gurockian
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| Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 1:10 am Post subject: |
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| this story definatly caught my intrest and i hope you will continue and to improve it tell more about where the story is taking place |
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Sleeping Valor
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| Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 2:29 am Post subject: |
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*gasp* Another comment! ^_^ Yay! I'm glad the story interests you, my mind is reworking it a little, because the temptation to make her a gorgon (using that in a storybook) is very very very strong. Hopefully I'll have some more up soon.
I'll make some changes to get the setting in there, thanks! |
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MidnightVampire
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| Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 4:47 am Post subject: |
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| Wow! that rocked. Please continue. I love the diary entrance, about 'while me and my knife decide that you're going to die and see who's will is stronger'. *chills* pm for next part. |
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| Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 8:31 pm Post subject: |
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Wow! This was amazing. I was interested at the first sentence. I wonder what's making Yazra be like this...
Not a lot to criticize here. Great work :] I'm excited for more! PM me when you update on it please! |
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Sleeping Valor
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| Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 9:09 pm Post subject: |
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 Woot! *happy dance* People liked my story! ^_^ *thought it had fallen off the face of the planet* I will most definitely get started on the next part (and possibly the other version I am considering!)
^_^ |
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Sleeping Valor
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| Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 2:31 am Post subject: Diary of a Villain (P2) |
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How many times am I going to do this? Yazra wondered as she stood in the middle of a burning village. In fact, it was the same village as it had always been; right down the single half empty bottle of ale that lay forgotten in the alley to her left. And of course, who could forget, it all came along with an ever constant certainty that somehow, at some point she had killed everyone in this village and merrily set their now unneeded homes and just as unneeded bodies ablaze.
She could almost feel her parents gazing on approvingly upon her handy-work, which she highly doubted they were, this being a dream and all. Interestingly, the dream had slowly gained...'body' as her life went on. For example, when she'd been only a child, the face of the dead woman lying at the end of the street had been darkened by some shadow. The day Yazra saw her first dead body, the shadow had vanished and she'd finally been able to see the woman's face, twisted in fear. It was as if her mind spared her knowing the things she had yet to encounter while awake.
Yazra really did appreciate being spared the opportunity to adjust to the horrors of life before having to experience them: she was the type who liked life to be full of new discoveries. Horrible, dark, unrelenting and unavoidable truths that once learned would haunt her here on this ever familiar setting.
As daddy always said; 'there's no home away from home like the home of someone who's life you've just destroyed', Yazra thought bitterly. She decided she'd had enough, so she turned. Behind her, slowly crawling her way, was a young man. On cue, he looked up and saw her.
"Please...help me." He moaned.
Of course, Yazra thought, because it makes so much sense to ask for help from the person who did this to you.
But she couldn't say no. There was some deep, ever present if elusive feeling, that if she just tried again and again she could break free of the destiny she didn't want to accept. She took a step his way, and suddenly the bottle of ale exploded, sending (despite the odds) a large peice of glass strait at her head. With precision she'd learned did not change if she ducked, it sent her off balance, she tripped over another body and finally reeled to fall, sword (which was, as always, in her hand) first into the man she'd tried to help. The blade entering her body made no sound, but today, as a new treat, she could smell his blood.
She didn't bother getting up, this was where she woke up.
It was fate.
*^*^*^
This, like the first part, is a further test. Let me know what you think, if it's no good I'll cut it out and stick to the regular plot (which I am working on comming up with soon! =P) |
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| Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 2:53 am Post subject: |
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| I don't know... I'm that person that usually doesn't have much of an opinion... Unless, it really eurks me (the other opinion.) Though some matters I can be ver opinionful of.... this just isn't one of them. I did like it though, that is one thing that I cannot deny. Sorry I don't have much of an opinion. |
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Sleeping Valor
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| Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 3:03 am Post subject: |
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| =P No problem. I sometimes find myself feeling that way. Thanks for reading. ^_^ |
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Heatherish
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| Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 5:29 am Post subject: |
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| i liked this part a lot. i definitely dont think you should cut it out. i like the way you described her dream. it was unique in that it was almost interactive. it was very interesting and i cant wait to read more about her |
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 2:36 pm Post subject: |
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wow, this is really good. i like the end of the first paragraph (in the first story), and the entire chapter was great, altho the last couple paragraphs had me confused a bit.
in the second part...
wow, the dream was a great idea.
but i was just thinking, does she ever get scared? i mean, you mentioned when she was a kid, so didn't seeing people getting killed ever scare her? just curious...
other than that, it's a good story...is it at all a horror?
cuz the second part did kind of seem like it...i don't know |
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