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PsychicNinja
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 Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:43 pm Post subject: Through the Still Night-Prologue |
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Naruto Fanfic: Through the Still Night
Prologue
By PsychicNinja
Warm blood on cold skin. A kunai driven deep into an opponent’s chest. The hoot of an owl. And a full moon. The leaves of a bush bristled behind him as the lifeless body hit the ground. There was a slight displacement of air, and a dark figure jumped out from behind him.
“We better get back soon. He wants us back for the next mission as soon as possible,” the figure whispered.
“Yes, of course.”
The branch above him shook as the owl flew into the night; the leaves drifted around him like falling feathers. Takuro Kimura looked behind him at the body mangled in the grass. This place reeked of death. Then the leaves were still. There was no wind tonight, but there never was on nights such as these. The ninja in front of Takuro bent over to check the body of the man he had just killed.
“Not much left of him, Takuro-kun. Sensei will be pleased,” he said.
Takuro said nothing. It was not as if he enjoyed killing, as his master did. To him it was pleasure. To Takuro it was a necessity.
“We better go,” Takuro mumbled.
“Right,” the other ninja said, as the two leapt up into the trees.
Of course, it had not always been this way. Takuro had once be a ninja who lived a peaceful life, full of his so-called friends and family. He didn’t need them now. His only purpose was to serve his lord, and to eventually become stronger than him. It just took time, training, and some planning. Takuro was never a patient person, but he knew he had to wait.
And as Takuro and his partner sailed through the trees toward the Sound Village, it reminded him of that time. That time in the Leaf Village. When he had been out too late training, and stumbled upon a horrendous murder… |
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Last edited by PsychicNinja on Thu May 01, 2008 10:58 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 10:51 pm Post subject: |
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Warm blood on cold skin. A kunai driven deep into an opponent’s chest. The hoot of an owl. And a full moon.
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I also often use the technique of listing the surroundings - and you've done it very nicely here, except for one thing:
I don't really like the 'And a full moon'. Sometimes using 'and' to start a sentence for style works quite well, but not in this case. It isn't necessary. ^_~
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The leaves of the bush bristled behind him as the freshly dead body hit the ground.
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I think it should be 'a bush' instead, because you say 'the bush' as if you've already mentioned it - and you haven't.
Also, 'freshly dead' sounds a tad awkward. Maybe it's because 'fresh' and 'dead' aren't exactly similar things...anyhow, I think it would sound better as 'newly dead'.
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It’s not like he enjoyed killing like his master did.
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Hhhmmm...'It's not like' doesn't sound quite right. :/ Maybe you should say: 'It was not as if he enjoyed killing, as his master did.' Or: 'He did not enjoy killing like his master did.'
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His only purpose was to serve his lord…and to eventually become stronger than him.
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I'm not 100% sure, but I don't think that's a valid use of ellipses (...)
Usually they represent omitted speech or thought. I get the feeling that it's thought on this occasion, but since you're not writing from 1rst person, it doesn't seem right.
This is very nice!
I haven't read or watched Naruto, so I'm not familiar with the characters/plot, but I still enjoyed this. It is a bit short, however.
You have some lovely description up until the eighth paragraph, and then it's just Takuro's past and thoughts, and you mentioning them moving through the trees. Maybe you should take the time to explain their movements through the canopy using the five senses?
Overall, nice job. You should continue it!
Hope this helped,
Camille |
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PsychicNinja
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| Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 11:05 pm Post subject: |
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The '...' there was just a typo, I believe.
Thanks. This is supposed to be a prologue, so it's short. Technically, it's a flashforward into the future from where the story starts.
-Timea |
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―Fi and Darman |
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AyumiGosu17
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| Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 11:37 pm Post subject: |
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Timea-chan...
Now time for MY critiques!  
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| Warm blood on cold skin. A kunai driven deep into an opponent’s chest. The hoot of an owl. And a full moon. The leaves of a bush bristled behind him as the freshly dead body hit the ground. There was a slight displacement of air, and a dark figure jumped out from behind him. |
A lot of fragments, but it adds a little bit of interest. Nice work.
Shouldn't "freshly dead body" be something like "steaming corpse"? I don't know, that just...bugs me.
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| “We better get back soon. He wants as back for the next mission as soon as possible,” the figure whispered. |
Got an "as" in place of "us."
Very nice other than that. Love the last sentence! XD
Can't wait to read the rest. |
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shotgun2983
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| Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 1:26 am Post subject: |
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Okay, well... For starters, AyumiGosu17 said:
Shouldn't "freshly dead body" be something like "steaming corpse"? I don't know, that just...bugs me.
Lol, I feel the same way. But instead of using "freshly dead body" or "streaming corpse" I would say something like "victim". I don't know why, but I think it sounds more professional and it flows more with Takuro's personality.
I don't want to start a debate about which words used to describe a dead body sound best here.
Other then that Timea, I really liked the prologue and I'm looking forward to the best.
But one thing. I thought this was going to be a storybook? At least thats what I thought the post said. Well whatever, good job.
-Joel- |
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PsychicNinja
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| Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 3:53 am Post subject: |
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Sorry, Joel, I don't do storybooks. I didn't say it was going to be one, either.  Oh, and guess what, my brother (ninja-Z) is now going to help me write. He's not like really the writer (so not really co-writer), just helping with ideas and gives tips and stuff.
-Timea 
Arigato for the crits, everyone. |
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"The nice thing about the alphabet, ma'am, is that it gives you plenty of plans to choose from."
―Fi to Etain Tur-Mukan
"Cheer up, still got E through Z plans."
"One day, Fi, I'm going to give you a good slap."
―Fi and Darman |
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Saphira
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 6:11 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Timea! Sorry it has taken me awhile to reply but i haven't had the internet for a month 
Well i will skip the grammer and go straight to the story. I think that this is planned well and the short phrases at the beginning tell you all the detail you need. It also adds to the confused feelings that Takuro feels after the kill. It fits in with the theme of Naruto and it seems to mirror some of the emotions that run through the manga which is good.
I don't really have any bad points for this and keep it up! |
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Layleun
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| Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 1:15 am Post subject: |
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Ah! Timea! Sorry I took so long to crit. this. Midterms are over and I finally have time ^.^
Good:
Discription. I absolutely love how you packed all that description into a little chapter. The first sentences really set the scene which is the next thing I love about this so much.
Bad:
You need more! I wanna keep reading! More more more! (Not really. I really really like it. I'm reading the next chapter and the ones after that)
Keep up the description! Or else I'll eat you ^.^
~Lupe |
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| Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 4:53 am Post subject: |
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Hiya! ^_^ PN-Chan
I just finished. And well I have to saw that this most surtainly drew me in. I'll will read more. Next chapter here I come! |
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| Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2008 3:27 pm Post subject: |
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Wow thats a good prologue i must read more  |
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| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 3:23 am Post subject: |
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I really like the potential behind this prologue and can't way for more.
All the major things that I was going to go over have been mentioned time and time again so I will spare you the rant.
Overall I liked most of it, the major controversy of the freshly dead body is one that I need to mention, it is just so awkward is all. Keep up the good work. |
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Firestalker
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| Posted: Thu Aug 28, 2008 1:07 pm Post subject: |
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I've never critiqued a Naruto fan-fiction lets see. Please PM me if i did a good job.
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Warm blood on cold skin. A kunai driven deep into an opponent’s chest. The hoot of an owl. And a full moon. The leaves of a bush bristled behind him as the lifeless body hit the ground. There was a slight displacement of air, and a dark figure jumped out from behind him.
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Warm blood on cold skin, a kunai driven deep into an opponent’s chest the hoot of an owl and a full moon.
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| And as Takuro and his partner sailed through the trees toward the Sound Village, it reminded him of that time. That time in the Leaf Village. When he had been out too late training, and stumbled upon a horrendous murder… |
And what??
Did you finish the story??
Are you going to finish the story??
Anyway the story was good but it lacked some descriptions of the surroundings. Then there was his thoughts where you didn't give a good description again. And also the story was a little too short. Other than that, its good. |
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