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"My Book" (Chapter 1)



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Thu Jan 10, 2008 1:28 am
Heatherish says...



so this is the first chapter and from now on all the thread titles for this story are going to be called, "MY BOOK" until i come up with something better, but ill let ppl know when i do that.

hope you enjoy!

p.s. although grammar and spelling corrections are always welcome, i would really appreciate people commenting on my characters, plot, etc. i want to know if the characters are believable, if the plot is making sense, if the story is working out logically....those types of things. so if anyone has any comments on those aspects, i would LOVE it if you could leave those comments!!!



Chapter 1: And the coastline is quiet. While we're quietly losing control. (Brand New)

When I "woke up", I knew that I was dead, as contradictory as that may seem. What I felt, or rather the lack of what I felt could only be described as death. I couldn't feel anything, not even the hard surface I was lying on, for surely it must have been hard because it was a stone floor. What I lacked in sensation, I made up for with my other senses. I could see and hear everything around me. After listening for a few minutes, I realized the room I was in must be under some sort of restaurant-- Chinese, if the smells and language of the men I heard above me were any indication.

I love Chinese food; my dorm was half a block away from the best Chinese place I'd found so far in the city. As I thought about my favorite item on the menu, Lo Mien, I found that I was extremely hungry, but also...repulsed by the idea of the noodle/vegetable combination that I so often craved. Besides that, I had more important things to think about besides my next meal. I sat up and looked around the crude room I now found myself in. I noticed a steep concrete staircase across the room from where I sat. I stood up with ease and made my way through the dark room, surprisingly having no trouble seeing where I was going despite the complete darkness I was in.

I stopped at the foot of the stairs listening to an impossible conversation upstairs. What made it impossible was the fact that I could hear anything at all. I slowly walked up the stairs, thinking through what I was about to do. I had always been the type to logically think through every aspect of a situation. Once I thought everything through, I made a decision and then quickly executed it. I was prepared for the men upstairs to be startled by my sudden appearance. I was prepared for them to be angry that I was trespassing in a part of the restaurant only intended for employees. I opened the door slowly and stepped out into the bright fluorescent lights of the restaurant's back kitchen.

I saw four short Chinese men suddenly stop whatever it was they were doing before, to stare at me. Yep, just as I thought-they were surprised to see me there to say the least.

The man closest to me stammered out "Wha...what you doing back here?!"

As the man spoke, I noticed the veins lined through his forehead. He kept asking me questions in his broken English, but I couldn't concentrate on translating what he was trying to say to me. After noticing the vein in his head my eyes scanned downward noticing all of the tiny wrinkles in the man’s tired face. Looking closer I saw that I could easily count the pores on his cheeks even though I was standing more than six feet away from him. I was strangely entranced by the man’s face. My eyes moved down the man’s face to his neck. If I thought I couldn't tear my eyes away from this small Chinese man before, I had no hope of it now. My breath stopped as I noticed the thick jugular vein that was throbbing with the man’s blood. His blood. I wanted it. I craved it. I had to get out of here.

All of a sudden I heard the sharp intake of the man’s breath and his pulse increased rapidly. My eyes darted up to his face and what I saw there was sheer terror. Slowly the man started to back away from me, all the while not tearing his eyes away from mine. I took one small step towards him and the man tripped over his own feet, sprawling onto the hard kitchen floor.

Suddenly my mind realized what my body was trying to do and I started to back away from the Chinese man that was still lying on the floor.

"Sorry", I apologized, "I'm leaving right now". Something was off though, my voice didn't sound like mine at all. I chalked it up to a long night of partying and continued backing away from the object of my frightening intentions. I finally tore my eyes away from the men and turned towards the other end of the kitchen. I began walking as quickly as possible towards the designated dining area. As I was walking past the shiny black tables with matching chairs, something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye.

I turned to see a wall, the top half of it covered in mirrors. For the second time in less than sixty seconds, my breath caught in my chest. I slowly walked towards the reflection I could only guess was my own. Although I knew that it could be no others, I still couldn't believe what I was seeing.

The first thing I noticed was my eyes. Where the normally hazel brown color used to be, a dark gray color stared back at me. After studying the new color of my eyes, I looked at the rest of my face. I had always been pale, but the now almost translucent color of my skin surprised me. Also, my freckles were missing, as if they were something that could just be misplaced. I remembered when I was little, complaining to my mother about the abundance of dark little marks all over my face. She had told me that when I got older they would fade and eventually I wouldn't have them anymore. It was now an inside joke between her and me because they never did fade, and I had always thought she didn't know what she was talking about. That memory brought a smile to my face. That was when I noticed my teeth. They were perfectly white, almost inhumanly white and the canines were just a tad longer and sharper than they had been last time I looked in the mirror. My hair too, had changed since the last time I had fussed with it. The natural light brown color was the same, but my hair had taken on an almost luminescent shine. I backed away from the strange reflection I saw in the mirror and darted out the front door of the restaurant.

Once outside I was glad to have the fresh air and some room to think through the incredible things I had seen and felt since...last...night. That was when the memory of the strange blond-haired man in the alleyway came flooding back into my mind. I remembered being hit over the head, hard, and falling on the ground before the man attacked me. I reached up slowly to touch my head where he had struck me, feeling the unfamiliar softness of my hair, and finding no such wound.

I suddenly looked around me, noticing for the first time my surroundings. The buildings on this street looked familiar and I started to head in the direction of my dorm. As I walked down the busy streets of Manhattan, I ran all of the newly acquired information through my already tired brain. As was usual on this busy island, I was bumped into by many strangers. The difference today was that every time a person bumped into me, I had a shock run through whatever part of me they happened to hit. In the fraction of a second that their body touched mine, I could feel the warm appetizing blood rush through their veins and throb through their hearts. Appetizing?! Ugh, I need to stop, I need to get away.

That was when I started to run. I had never felt so free in my entire life. The cool, polluted wind rushed around my face and through my hair. I looked around me and noticed that the people, buildings, and cars I was running by were all blurred. It felt like when I was younger, and I would take the Long Island Railroad with my parents into the city. I always loved looking out the windows at the trees and streets we were rushing by, making everything blur with our speed. That was how this felt.

I couldn't be completely free though. Not after what I had experienced in the past half hour, I would never be able to forgive myself for the thoughts I had had about those poor old Chinese men in that restaurant. Why did I have those thoughts anyway? I wasn't a cannibal; I didn't even eat my steak that rare. Ew, steak...what....the...hell...

Just then I felt a dull pain across the middle of my abdomen and suddenly the wind stopped. I was being ripped off the crowded downtown street and into an alleyway. Oh no, not another alleyway, this is what got me into all this trouble to begin with. I struggled to free myself from the iron bar that was wrapped around my torso. Wait, since when did iron wrap around people? I looked down and saw an unnaturally white arm wrapped around my waist. The arm was just as white as my skin was now. I looked up into the light gray eyes of an extremely handsome man, with an extremely frustrated look on his face.
Last edited by Heatherish on Thu Jan 10, 2008 11:45 am, edited 5 times in total.
  





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Thu Jan 10, 2008 1:36 am
cynicalgurl says...



Well, you can do that, but I think that has the potential to get messy. :?

Like, you post part 5, but some comes in and wants to crit part three, and the person after that wants to crit part one, and after that...

Why don't you just post your story a chapter at a time?

Or, if you want your whole story to be in one forum, I think there's a forum for that, too...

Edit: Yeah, here it is. :)
  





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Thu Jan 10, 2008 1:46 am
Heatherish says...



oh man!!! i have no idea how to do that...i think ill just take your advice and post a chapter per thread...thanks!!!
  





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Thu Jan 10, 2008 2:27 am
Sleeping Valor says...



A chapter per thread is a good idea. I always find when people post long stories it's harder to convince myself to read because it seems so daunting and it's hard to find your place again if you stop reading.

*huggles vampire* You win! I am completely in love already. Great story! :D

I'd like to offer you constructive crit, but it's very very hard. Your plot is good, you don't let us know everything right away, slowly building up the story until we start to see a full picture. Nice.

Description: good. You described everything really well, not too much and not too little. Here and there phrases stuck out at me because of phrasing and stuff, but I was so absorbed in readin the story I completely forget which ones. Not many, anyways.

Characters: Vampires = awesome. End of story. But I'll admit you show us who your character is, but at the end of what you've given us I still feel like I don't know her entirely. But maybe that's just me, because you do show us alot of things, some in context about who she is.

Question: If she can't feel the floor, how can she feel the wind?

Wait, since when did iron wrap around people? I looked down and saw an unnaturally white arm wrapped around my waist. The arm was just as white as my skin was now. I looked up into the light gray eyes of an extremely handsome man, with an extremely frustrated look on his face.


I love him already. You have me hooked. ^_^ Please write quickly so I can find out what happens.
  





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Thu Jan 10, 2008 2:44 am
Heatherish says...



um...i dont understand your question, maybe quote the part(s) you're talking about and i can explain or fix whatever it is.



and THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH i love that YOU love my story :lol: :lol: :lol:

ill be posting chapter 2 tomorrow or the next day!
  





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Thu Jan 10, 2008 3:16 am
Sleeping Valor says...



What I felt, or rather the lack of what I felt could only be described as death. I couldn't feel anything, not even the hard surface I was lying on, for surely it must have been hard because it was a stone floor.

Can't feel here.
The cool, polluted wind rushed around my face and through my hair.

And here...Oh wait. =P You dont' actually say she feels the wind. My bad.

Also, just saw the preface. I take back what I said about not knowing the character, I suspect I should have read that first to get a full picture of her. >.<

Looking forward to chapter 2.

(FYI: if there is no romance at all in this story I will be heartbroken. Just so you know =P)
  





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Thu Jan 10, 2008 3:27 am
Heatherish says...



yea i can see where those two statements could seem confusing....she doesnt feel much and they will explain it later on

also i think i kind of reveal more of her character as the story goes on, but i like to think shes not a complete stranger from the beginning...


and dont worry there is PLENTY of romance :D


would it be bad to post two chapters in one day? because i do have chapter 2 done.... :wink:
  





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Thu Jan 10, 2008 3:49 am
Sleeping Valor says...



*wants to say she shoukd post it*

>.< You probably shouldn't. Think of all the poor people who haven't seen what you've already put up! Flooding the boards will probably overwhelm some people and also bump other people who have just put something up out of sight (which would make them sad if they have no comments yet =P)

Yay! Romance. *huggles*
  





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Thu Jan 10, 2008 3:51 am
Heatherish says...



yea thats what i was thinking too *sigh*

ill wait till tomorrow or the next day to put it up then...im just wicked excited i have at lease ONE person who likes them and is looking forward to more chapters!!! its very flattering



so make sure you look for chapter 2 in two days at most i guess
  





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Thu Jan 10, 2008 4:02 am
Sleeping Valor says...



=P I'll try not to die from anticipation. :D

Ooooooh. If you're super bored you could look at some of the things I put up. Only 2 recenly I think. I've out of practice since I haven't been on this site for a looooong time and need to brush up on my writting. *managed to get distracted by being hooked on reading stories and commenting*
  





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Thu Feb 21, 2008 10:10 pm
Fall_Into_The_Sky says...



ahh vampires are my fav characters
great idea making a story about a girl who changed
The only wrong love is only one never felt.
Live to day as if your would die tomorrow.
Love like you know no other, dream as if they'd come true, hope because you can reach the stars.
  





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Thu Feb 21, 2008 10:25 pm
DragonWriter says...



Wow! Great! Fantastic! Awesome!

I love it! Abosolutly positivly love it. However I feel that you are telling, not showing. Also get a stranger to read it outloud. This will show you shakey parts. But other than that, I see nothing wrong with it. I beleive this has the potential to be published. Just remember that even the best writers can improve their writeing if they ask for help.
Twilight rocks!
New Moon rules!
Eclispe kicks butt!
In coclusion, Steaphine Meyer is a rocking, ruling, and kick butt authour!
That is the TRUTH!
  





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Fri Feb 22, 2008 6:12 am
Heatherish says...



thank you sooo much!! and believe me I KNOW i can still use help. i'm not too modest to say that i think i have a good story here or too proud to say that i could still make it better. thank you for the advice and i hope you keep reading!
Favorite Quote (at the moment):
"cuz' I'd rather wast my life pretending than have to forget you for one whole minute"
  





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Fri Feb 22, 2008 4:40 pm
Pickle810 says...



Wait. She's a vampire, no? So how can she possibly look in the mirrror?! I was under the impression that in folklore, it's common knowledge that one of the most foolproof ways to spot a vampire is by checking for a reflection. Ummm, yeah, other than that detail that confused me, I loved the story!
me: why can we kill for Jesus and not Muhammed?
my best friend: because Jesus is white.
me: that's not fair!
her: and what is?
  





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Fri Feb 22, 2008 5:08 pm
Aedomir says...



Heya!

When I "woke up", I knew that I was dead, as contradictory as that may seem.


Yep, I have to admit, that is one of the most ironic things I have read. But that's good because it was in inverted commas and the way you challenged it...

Wait. She's a vampire, no? So how can she possibly look in the mirrror?! I was under the impression that in folklore, it's common knowledge that one of the most foolproof ways to spot a vampire is by checking for a reflection. Ummm, yeah, other than that detail that confused me, I loved the story!


That wasn't you, but I would reccomend not worrying about this too much. It is your story and you should be able to create your characters how you like. However, I would then say that perhaps you should rename the race or whatever it is; :?

Other than that one point I quite liked it. Just a few 'errors' that I should hope you will change, they have been mentioned already so went dwell on them...

Well done and Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~

ps: wen u write messgs plz dont use chat speak like dis!!!
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Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.
  








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