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	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on January 8, 2008

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kinzygirl223
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Age: 15
Joined: 10 Dec 2007
Posts: 66
Reviews: 59
Country: USA
200 Points

Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 11:29 pm Post subject: My story

That's what Will does to me every time I look at him. As if there's not a worry in the world. I, of course was brought back to reality. I was the one who was to give a speech.. I didn't write anything down, I couldn't. As I was called up I could feel the tears sting my eyes. The chapel was small and dank. The California air seeping in, causing things to never dry out. My eyes wandered the chapel. My eyes hit Will he gave a motion to hurry it up a little. I picked up the urn with my mothers ashes in it and lifted it up. "This here is a symbol of a good lawyer, loving friend, great daughter, loving wife, but most of all a fantastic mother. After my father died I didn't know what to do, who to trust. I felt that if I opened my heart to anything or anyone then I would lose them. I never really realized that my mother always tried to make me happy. She was always there to talk to me when I wanted to, and when I didn't she backed off. Now I regret not trusting her with all of my heart. Now I truly know that she was the only one I could trust. Until now, I have Will. The person who opened my eyes to see the world around me. I'm happy I found him because without him I would be suicidal. We all honor her with our hearts and wish she didn't die in such a terrible way. Still, lets think of what she has done. When you think of all those things then you know she did greater things then most people even dream of. Thank you. The rest of the funeral was sad but hopeful. Hopeful for all things to be happy like my mother. 4 years later. Life is good. I'm now 20 almost 21. Will and I are of course still together. He proposed on my 19th birthday. Now I'm 6 months pregnant with our first child. I'm now happy to be living, and look only at the positives. The worst thing to wait for is your father to come home. The best thing to wait for is love. If this is the first part of the story you've read then you have to read the other 3 parts. They are under the same title. Some are a couple pages in. I think youll like them.
Last edited by kinzygirl223 on Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:13 am; edited 1 time in total

Suzanne
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Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 12:39 am Post subject:

Quote:

That's what Will does to me every time I look at him.

This seems like a really wrong place to start. It's like you forgot several paragraphs before hand. What does Will do to you...? I have no idea. You started poorly... It's just a weird beginning.

Quote:

My eyes wandered the chapel. My eyes hit Will he gave a motion to hurry it up a little.

You repeated "my eyes" which makes dry writing, and your second sentence needs a period after "Will" because you start a new sentence with "he".

Your fourth (and biggest) paragraph needs an ending quotation mark, or I can't tell where the end of her speaking is.

This is basic writing, but there isn't much meat to it. It's a bit too short to make a good story, too. A good story, even a good short story, should include a clear conflict, strong, well done and vivid characters, a strong setting, and a clear resolution to the previously mentioned conflict. So, where is your conflict? Who are your characters? What problems are they over coming? I can't really tell. It's good practice as a free write, but there isn't much else to it.

I suggest you get some books from your local library or your book store on writing. I don't say this like it is an insult, but because I know it will help. I used to write stories that were a lot worse than this (trust me, at least your writing is good!) and the first thing that helped me figure out what I was doing was to read about what I should be doing. There are a lot of helpful things out there to give you an idea of how to tackle that nasty thing that is fiction writing.

I was looking for a specific page but I couldn't find it, so here is the next best thing: The Basics of Plot. It might help you. ^_^

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Stockmar
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Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 1:12 am Post subject:

Quote:

I picked up the urn with my mothers ashes in it and lifted it up.

This is redundant. You don't need to say picked up and lifted up in the same sentence.

Quote:

That's what Will does to me every time I look at him. As if there's not a worry in the world.

This is pretty, but it seems incomplete, like a fragment of a paragraph

I agree, the story needs more “meat.”

1dering at stars
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219 Points

Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 1:53 am Post subject:

I think that the writing in this is really good, but I also agree that it needs something more. More conflict or struggle that is harder for the character to overcome. It will make it more interesting (I'm not, however, saying that it isn't interesting already, just that it isn't interesting enough. ) I disagree that it has to be longer. A piece of writing does not have to be a certain length to be good. Very, very short is more creative and unique. Some might think that a piece has to be a certain length just because all other pieces of the sort are around that length. Well, what about the first person to write a short story? Just because they were the first doesn't mean that every other one has to be the same. Sorry....... I don't mean to say that I am necessarily right (in fact I'm usually not) thats just my opinion. I like unique. Anyyyyyyyyways..... I love the last two sentences! They really get you, if you know what I mean? A great ending.
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Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:27 am Post subject:

kinzygirl223 --

This is okay. The grammatical/sentence structuring errors kind of ruin it; I bet it would be better than 'okay' if you fixed those up.

There are some other things that I noticed here, too:

OPENING SENTENCE:
I'm sorry to say, but your opening sentence is pretty anemic. The first sentence in a story should capture the reader's attention right away; draw them in. You know?

I probably sound pretty hypocritical now, since I always struggle with creating an interesting first sentence. But I hope I can help you come up with better phrases for your own work. :}

Quote:

That's what Will does to me every time I look at him.

[One of] the problem[s] with this is that there's no explanation. You don't really tie this in with the rest of the story very well and you never say what Will does. It's a loose end. And writers should strive to avoid those.

SENTENCE STRUCTURE:
There are several sentences here that aren't grammatically sound, I'm afraid. In most cases, you've gotten your tenses mixed up. Here's an example:

Quote:

The California air seeping in, causing things to never dry out.

In order to stay with 'seeping', you need to put 'was' before it. You could also say 'The California air seeped in'.

REPETITION:
I've noticed that you have some rathe redundant/repetitive sentences here. These aren't good, as they bore the reader. Here's some examples:

Quote:

My eyes wandered the chapel. My eyes hit Will he gave a motion to hurry it up a little.

Both sentences start with 'My eyes'. Also, I don't think saying that your eyes 'hit' someone is a very good metaphor. ~_~
Furthermore, there should be a Semicolon after 'Will'.

Quote:

I picked up the urn with my mothers ashes in it and lifted it up.

It isn't necessary to say you picked it up and lifted it up in the same sentence. Why not just end it at 'it'?
Also, 'mothers' needs to be a possessive noun.

CHARACTERS:
This is one of the major flaws. Your characters aren't interesting or vivid, and that makes this rather boring. We don't even know what the characters look like. You might want to consider investigating the Character development Usergroup.
Here is an example:

Quote:

"This here is a symbol of a good lawyer, loving friend, great daughter, loving wife, but most of all a fantastic mother. After my father died I didn't know what to do, who to trust. I felt that if I opened my heart to anything or anyone then I would lose them. I never really realized that my mother always tried to make me happy. She was always there to talk to me when I wanted to, and when I didn't she backed off. Now I regret not trusting her with all of my heart. Now I truly know that she was the only one I could trust. Until now, I have Will. The person who opened my eyes to see the world around me. I'm happy I found him because without him I would be suicidal. We all honor her with our hearts and wish she didn't die in such a terrible way. Still, lets think of what she has done. When you think of all those things then you know she did greater things then most people even dream of. Thank you.

The rest of the funeral was sad but hopeful. Hopeful for all things to be happy like my mother.

Dialogue is a good place to squeeze in some characterization. You have some here - we know that the narrator used to be not very trusting, etc - but not nearly enough to make it interesting.
Oh, and there should be a closing quotation mark after 'Thank you'. ^_~

USING NUMBERS IN WRITING:
I don't know if there are any specific rules about this, but I really abhor it when people use numbers in literature to signify years, or something. For phone numbers and stuff like that it's fine, but...
Here's an example:

Quote:

4 years later.

Life is good. I'm now 20 almost 21. Will and I are of course still together. He proposed on my 19th birthday. Now I'm 6 months pregnant with our first child.

All those numbers! Why don't you just type, 'I'm twenty tears old, almost twenty-one.'

There is so much more I'd like to say about this, but it would take a long time. The bottom line is that this definitely needs more "meat", and there is tons of room for improvement.

But don't be discouraged! Keep working at it. Smile

Hope this helped,
Camille

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This thread was created on January 8, 2008	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction	All times are GMT
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This thread was created on January 8, 2008

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