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Lady Sydney
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 Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 4:06 am Post subject: Forgive Me |
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Well, here I go again. This is my second attempt at poetry. Enjoy! 
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You’ll have to forgive me, for borrowing your heart.
But give me a second, to tear it apart.
I can only imagine, how you must feel.
To know that my love for you, was never real.
I can still see the rain, pouring from your eyes.
Once you knew my sweet words, were all lies.
I can still hear the thunder, roaring from your lips.
And I can still feel the lightning, striking in your fists.
Those beautiful big brown eyes, that always shined.
And that soul of yours, so pure and kind.
I can still see us, sneaking kisses in the hall.
There’s not one single moment, I cannot recall.
I know I brightened your world, when I held you close.
And I know you felt just as good, when you overdosed. |
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Skell
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| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 11:01 am Post subject: |
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| .....that was, well i actaully read the whole thing with no skimming which says alot since i almost never read the whole thing when its that long and its poetry, i did actually like it and i would like to know what your imspiration was, just idle curiosity you know me i like to know everything. |
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Lady Sydney
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| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 2:51 pm Post subject: |
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Lol. Well, thanks, then. That is a great compliment! ^_^ I actually got the idea, although this may sound odd, from actual rain. I absolutely love the rain, but it just kinda flashed this big "Suicide Alert!" sign in my face. So yeah. ^_^
Thanks for your crit.
Lurv,
*~Syd*~ |
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Jack
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| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 3:40 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm... I'm not exactly the "poetry" kinda guy, but this seemed pretty well-written. Although, the only thing that I think you should work on, if you seriously want to live in Poet World, is to make your readers feel. The writer focuses a little bit too much on themself, so it leaves us, as the readers, just hanging there... bored.
The idea behind it is excellent, just concentrate on bringing it life.
Best wishes,
Jack |
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Fangala the Flying Feline
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| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 3:51 pm Post subject: |
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Wow. Interesting. Your concluding couplet was completely irrelevant and yet totally fitting at the same time, sort of jolting the reader out of the poem. Good, though.
You don't need all those commas. Not only is it grammatically-incorrect, it interrupts the flow. But when I ignored them, your poem flowed nicely and had wonderful imagery.
Good job. This was sweet. |
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Lady Sydney
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| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 4:15 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for your comments! I'll remove the commas next time, Fang, thanks for pointing that out. ^_^
And... Jack!  You're... back! *hugs* Yay. Welcome back and thanks for reading my work. ^_^
~*Syd*~ |
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written_on_my_heart
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| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 9:16 pm Post subject: |
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| you are a great poet. |
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Bella
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| Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 3:02 am Post subject: |
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I really liked this -- its a sonnet, correct? I just wrote one of those! (is excited). I thought it was interesting, because you usually don't hear poetry from the person who did the heart breaking, just the person who is heart broken, ya know? That made it really interesting. (wow...repeatative...sorry).
I can't see anything that didn't really make sense, or could use changing, so bravo!
HAPPY WRITING!
~Bella~ |
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kirstybree
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| Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 3:08 am Post subject: |
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| The first two lines though awkward I love the image it gives. Words paint a very real picture for me in my head and I really enjoyed the one your poem painted for me. The third stanza is the only one i had a problem with is the third one for me it didn't fit. The ending was abrupt and suprising but I liked it! Good job! |
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Gilthanas
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| Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 3:39 am Post subject: Re: Forgive Me |
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| Silly Sydstix wrote: |
I can still hear the thunder, roaring from your lips.
And I can still feel the lightning, striking in your fists. |
this poem was fantastic, i really enjoyed it. though i feel on these two lines "lips" and "fists" seems a bit of a stretch for rhyming. this is the only flaw that i can see that hasn't been voiced already great work |
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Lady Sydney
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| Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 9:29 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for your compliment and suggestion, Gilth. ^_^ I will be posting another poem later on in the week, if you're interested in reading. It will, of course, be Romance.
Never doubt it. lol Later!
~Syd |
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