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Casting Shadows Prologue [Edited.]
Casting Shadows Prologue [Edited.]

by kitty15 in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on January 5, 2008
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12 Shocks of Xmas (pt. 5)
12 Shocks of Xmas (Pt. 6)
12 Shocks of Xmas (Pt. 7)

12 Shocks of Christmas (Pt. 2)
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JabberHut   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 3:53 pm    Post subject: 12 Shocks of Christmas (Pt. 2) Reply with quote

Here's part 2 finally. Not much to say except...enjoy?

Part 2

December 26

On Christmas evening, we took our gifts upstairs to our rooms. I threw them all on the desk, but I put the glass figurine on a high shelf with my other collectable game and movie figurines. The new books, clothes, movies, and games covered my entire desk. I should’ve put them away, but I could do that later.

The next morning, my relatives arrived for another Christmas celebration. We ate lunch before seating ourselves in the living room. Sara and I were stuck on the floor so our grandparents could have seats to sit in; my uncle and aunt sat on the couch with my parents.

More gifts replaced the emptiness beneath the Christmas tree. Teddy and Susie sat next to the tree again, itching to open all the presents. Sara leaned over to me and nodded toward the tree with a half-smile. My brow furrowed as I looked over and I saw a gift wrapped in the same blue paper as the figurine yesterday.

“It’s not from Mabel,” I assured Sara.

“Your girlfriend wrapped the figurine in the same glossy paper and a similar shaped box,” Sara argued.

“Let’s get this show on the road,” Dad said, leaning back in the couch as soon as he finished loading the camera. He aimed it at Teddy and Susie.

“Who’s first?” Mom asked.

Teddy and Susie both reached for the presents, both choosing one. When they noticed they both held gifts, they started arguing who went first. Sara got involved straight away, trying to be that responsible older sibling that I couldn’t be. Eventually it was decided that Susie would open hers first because Teddy was first yesterday.

Fifteen minutes later, Susie handed me the blue present. I looked at the name, Phil, written in Mabel’s handwriting. My brow furrowed as I looked to Sara. “Did you put it under the tree?”

“No,” Sara replied, looking as if I was crazy. “Mabel must’ve. There’s no other explanation.”

“Mom?” I asked, looking to her and Dad.

“Would you open it already?” Dad asked impatiently. “We can discuss later.”

I did as I was told, though my mind was elsewhere. We couldn’t have missed this gift yesterday. Teddy and Susie would have spotted it—they never missed a present. When I woke up from my thoughts, the wrapping paper was already torn off and the brown box sat in my lap. Opening the box, I found two white, glass birds.

At that instant, an image flashed in my mind that made me gasp. Vines wrapped around my grandparents ankles. They both kicked fiercely, trying to free themselves from the vines’ grasp. Blood seeped through their pants from the thorns poking menacingly. Their mouths were open as if they were screaming, their eyes wide with terror. I panicked, about to go over to help when Sara’s voice echoed in my head.

“Phil!” Sara whispered fiercely. I shook my head, waving those thoughts aside, and noticed my hands were reaching out, as if wanting to save my grandparents from the vines. I quickly put my hands down, my eyes lowering to the floor. My grandparents looked at me strangely.

“Two turtle doves!” Sara exclaimed, breaking the silence. She reached out and picked up the two figurines. “Look, Oma, aren’t they adorable?”

“What? Oh, why, yes! Those are cute!” my grandma said, squinting at the two figurines in Sara’s hands.

“They’re darling,” Dad said. He always said that, making fun of my great-grandma; she had always said that word when she didn’t particularly like the object.

“Mabel is such a wonderful girl,” Mom said admiringly, staring at the two turtle doves. “When is she coming back?”

“The thirty-first,” I muttered absentmindedly. Today was the twenty-sixth. I prayed to whatever god there was that I only needed sleep.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Crits/reviews welcome. ^_^


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Last edited by JabberHut on Thu Jun 05, 2008 10:24 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 4:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Zohmigod! Creepier and creepier. O.o Well, let's get started:

JabberHut wrote:
Dad said, leaning back on the couch

Not so sure about this one...=/

JabberHut wrote:
Susie handed hers first because Teddy had gone first yesterday.

I'm guessing you want opened. Wink

Other than that, I can't see anything else! Can't wait for Chapter 3, PM me when it comes up!

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 6:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*stares at the 12 shocks of Christmas*

Whoa...creepy!


Ok...um, I didn't see any spelling/grammar issues, so I'll just go with the content.

I don't feel for the MC. I just don't! He doesn't have much of a personality. Just spice him up a bit and he'll be fine.

Another thing I didn't like was the vines. I mean, it was cool but it was fast. Rushed, in other words. I mean, it was there and it was gone. You see? You spent one paragraph detailing it, and then it was gone. Maybe add to his terror to save his grandparents and how the vines looked. For all I know they are purple with polka dots.

The good parts:

I liked the fight between siblings. Good job. I really liked the mystery of Mabel. Cute name, but the way.

BBB

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 6:20 pm    Post subject: Re: 12 Shocks of Christmas (Pt. 2) Reply with quote

Jabber! *celebratory Part 2 dance*

Nice. This was also very creepy, although I'm hoping the next part has a little variation, since this piece had basically the same set-up. Didn't really see anything that needed fixing, except for this bit:


Jabber wrote:
Blood seeped through their pants from the thorns poking menacingly.


Okay, I have two issues with this bit:

1) This is meant to be a very creepy scene, and it is. However, I feel that "poking" is kind of a weak verb to use. Maybe "piercing their skin" instead?

2) Arg! Adverbs. It's kind of obvious that anything wrapping itself around an elderly couples ankles and sending sharp thorns into them is doing so "meanacingly." Using it there is kind of awkward anyway. I think you should get rid of it altogether.

Look forward to the next part!

~Haley

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 7:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you, everybody!

Gladius: Thank you for catching those. I'll clear up those sentences now.

3B: The MC will be even more clearer in the third part. Otherwise, I'm glad you're enjoying it. ^_^

Joe: That was the word I was looking for! *hugs* Thank you for catching that.

I'll let you know when the next part is out. More reviews are welcome. ^_^

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 12:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Jabber. You got the second piece up fast. Hopefully you can get the third one up by tomorrow. Wink

“Your girlfriend wrapped the figurine in the same glossy paper and a similar shaped box,” Sara argued.

Technically, there's nothing wrong with this sentence, but the dialogue sounds unrealistic. I don't know why, but it just doesn't ring true to most of the the rest...

“Mabel is such a wonderful girl,” Mom said admiringly,

“The thirty-first,” I muttered absentmindedly.

Gah. Adverbs. >.< For the most part, you don't need them, because you convey your meaning well with just your dialogue. See if you can trim a few out.

They’re mouths were open as if they were screaming,

*Their

And that's all I found. Sorry I couldn't be of more help. Smile I'll look forward to the next one.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 6:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow I realy like it! I do think bigbadbear was right when he said the vine part was to short add more detail. Oh and a LOVE the part after the vine attacks his grandparents and everyone looks at him strangely.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 12:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

1.I quickly put my hands down, my eyes lowering to the floor. My grandparents looked at me strangely.

Combine these and put as after floor.

That was creepy! Lol. But well written. That's the only mistake I saw...

Of course Jabber, you can always pm me.

Jamie Bondage

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 5:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahhh! I want more, LOL. Very entertaining ^_^. Do the next ones, quickly! Smile

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 1:52 am    Post subject: Re: 12 Shocks of Christmas (Pt. 2) Reply with quote

Okay Jabs, it was good except for one minor issue.

Quote:
I panicked, about to go over to help when Sara’s voice echoed in my head.

Well, I think this sentence should be a lot more dramatic. The way you wrote it, it soulnded like it wasn't that big of a deal. It should be scary and frightning.

Other then that, I really liked it and I have to say good job.

-Joel-

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 9:28 pm    Post subject: Re: 12 Shocks of Christmas (Pt. 2) Reply with quote

JabberHut wrote:

On Christmas evening, we took our gifts upstairs to our rooms. I threw them all on the desk, but I put the glass figurine on a high shelf with my other collectable game and movie figurines. The new books, clothes, movies, and games covered my entire desk. I should’ve put them away, but I would could do that later.

The next morning, my grandparents, uncle, and aunt Just saying "relatives" might be better instead of the list of all the relatives, but it's up to you. arrived for another Christmas celebration. We ate lunch before seating ourselves in the living room. Sara and I were stuck on the floor so our grandparents could have seats to sit in; my uncle and aunt sat on the couch with my parents.

...

Teddy and Susie both reached for the presents, both choosing one. When they noticed they both held gifts, they started arguing who went first. Sara got involved straight away, trying to be that responsible older sibling that I couldn’t be. Susie handed hers first because Teddy was first yesterday.

Well, there's the obvious nitpick that it should be "opened", not "handed", but shouldn't this be something like "Eventually, it was decided that Susie would open hers first" instead?

...

“Would you open it already?” Dad asked impatiently. “We can discuss it later.”

...

At that instant, an image flashed in my mind that made me gasp. Vines wrapped around my grandparents ankles. They both kicked fiercely, trying to free themselves from the vines’ grasp. Blood seeped through their pants from the thorns poking menacingly. They’re You mean "their". mouths were open as if they were screaming, their eyes wide with terror. I panicked, about to go over to help when Sara’s voice echoed in my head.


Once again, apart from the nitpicks I can't find much to say, although the wording was a bit awkward in places, such as this:

Quote:
He always said that, making fun of my great-grandma who had said that word a lot when she didn’t particularly like the object.


The sentence is a little run-on, if there was some way to break it up it'd be nice.

Other than that, good job!

~Aet

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