Topic ID: 24200
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Alice
DOOD! my voltage turned into a slushie!
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 4816
Reviews: 251
Country: In a book or a story, anywhere but here
281 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 5:47 am Post subject: Paper clips and rubber bands |
 |
|
I’ve tried to pick up the shattered pieces
Of my heart up off the floor
Do you see what you have done to me?
And what happens when you push
A cracked glass over the edge
Of the table and onto the floor?
(music 10 seconds)
I was cracked before you
And I was shattered after you
You tried to fix me way too fast
You didn’t know it was sugar glass
And now its gone beyond repair
(chorus)
You pushed my heart together
Made me feel like I was better
But you didn’t heal me
You didn’t even fix me.
You couldn’t find the superglue
So now it’s being held together
With a paper clip and two broken rubber bands
Can’t you see the irony?
You tried to fix me
But you broke me even worse.
So why do I still love you?
Because you gave it your best go
Even though it doesn’t show
(music 10 seconds)
Even now I’m missing you
Singing songs I wrote
Because of you.
I really need your love again
And maybe you’ll get it right
Find the superglue tonight
(chorus)
You pushed my heart together
Made me feel like I was better
But you didn’t heal me
You didn’t even fix me.
You couldn’t find the superglue
So now it’s being held together
With a paper clip and two broken rubber bands
The rubber bands are small and thin
The paperclips begin to bend
I feel like I’m Exploding
Has my heart broke your makeshift molding?
(music 15 seconds)
You tried to fix me way too fast.
Unaware that my heart was
Made of the finest sugar glass.
So if you hold it way too tight
Like a mouse with all its might
It’ll shatter in your hands and
Blow away like the sand.
(chorus)
You pushed my heart together
Made me feel like I was better
But you didn’t heal me
You didn’t even fix me.
You couldn’t find the superglue
So now it’s being held together
With a paper clip and two broken rubber bands
(speaking)
The rubber bands are breaking
I feel like I’m exploding
You couldn’t find the superglue
And now…
Now I can’t forget you. |
_________________
Me: Crap I lose >.<
Prok: Marry me Alice!
Me: okay ^_^
Annonamuse: you guys are weird
Flem: ew marriage gross! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Joeducktape
Band-Aid Hater
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 21 Dec 2005
Posts: 419
Reviews: 103
Country: Some town in Tennessee where people over-decorate for random holidays.
350 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 5:50 am Post subject: |
|
|
Yay, Alice! This was very nice. Although, I only wish I could hear it. 
| Alice wrote: |
Because you gave it your best go
Even though it doesn’t show |
I think that was my favorite line.
Also, kudos for using office supplies and making it lovely!
Love,
Haley |
_________________
Check my new and improved blog:
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/weblog.php?w=764
[/shameless plug] |
|
| Back to top |
|
shotgun2983
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Jul 2007
Posts: 279
Reviews: 40
Country: United States
372 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 2:34 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Wow, this is really good. I agree though, I wish I could hear it! |
_________________
@(^_^)@ |
|
| Back to top |
|
kitty15
Your friendly neighbourhood kitten
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 4491
Reviews: 1253
Country: England
2059 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 7:27 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hey there Alice, I'm not too great at critiquing lyrics but here's a little advice -
I’ve tried to pick up the shattered pieces
Of my heart up off the floor
Do you see what you have done to me?
And what happens when you push
A cracked glass over the edge
Of the table and onto the floor?
[I think the intro is good but I think you need to work on rhythm a little and I don't like the repetition of floor. Perhaps -
I've tried to gather the shattered pieces
Of my heart that has fallen once more.
Do you see what you have done to me -
What happens when you tip
A cracked glass over the edge
Of the table and onto the floor? ]
(music 10 seconds) [What sort of music? What instruments?]
I was cracked before you
And I was shattered after you
You tried to fix me way too fast
You didn’t know it was sugar glass
And now its gone beyond repair [Remember your punctuation. I think the wording here is quite good but maybe -
I was cracked before you,
Then shattered by you.
You tried to fix me way too fast -
Didn't know my heart was sugar glass.
And now it's broken beyond repair.]
(chorus)
You pushed my heart together,
Made me feel like I was better;
But you didn’t heal me,
You didn’t even fix me.
You couldn’t find the super-glue
So now it’s being held together
With a paper clip and two broken rubber bands.
Can’t you see the irony?
You tried to fix me
But you broke me even worse. [Maybe 'But you broke me worse than before.]
So why do I still love you?
Because you gave it your best go
Even though it doesn’t show [I think you should add to the end of this verse. Perhaps:
So why do I still love you?
Why do I return for more?
Because you gave it your best go
And I know and I know and I know
That you tried
But it just don't show.] That would depend on what sort of music it is though...
(music 10 seconds)
Even now I’m missing you,
Singing songs I wrote
Because of you.
I really need your love again
And maybe you’ll get it right
Find the super-glue tonight.
(chorus)
You pushed my heart together,
Made me feel like I was better;
But you didn’t heal me,
You didn’t even fix me.
You couldn’t find the super-glue
So now it’s being held together
With a paper clip and two broken rubber bands.
The rubber bands are small and thin,
The paperclips begin to bend [Need a space between paper and clips.]
I feel like I’m Exploding
Has my heart broke your makeshift moulding?
(music 15 seconds)
You tried to fix me way too fast.
Unaware that my heart was
Made of the finest sugar glass.
So if you hold it way too tight
Like a mouse with all its might [Why a mouse?]
It’ll shatter in your hands and
Blow away like the sand. [Maybe make it sands? And I like this verse, very pretty.]
(chorus)
You pushed my heart together,
Made me feel like I was better;
But you didn’t heal me,
You didn’t even fix me.
You couldn’t find the super-glue
So now it’s being held together
With a paper clip and two broken rubber bands.
(speaking)
The rubber bands are breaking.
I feel like I’m exploding.
You couldn’t find the super-glue
And now…
Now I can’t forget you.
Overall, I think these are some really good lyrics Alice. Nice work.
~SPEW~ |
_________________
Love is but a lie to tame the heart,
To trap and chain; ensnare the soul.
Love is just the end and not the start
Of life. In truth, love has no role. |
|
| Back to top |
|
SimonCowellLuver
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 247
Reviews: 112
Country: It is somewhere i can relax and enjoy my life.
269 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 10:32 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| This isn't to shabby. LOL I wish i could hear how it goes. If you ever make a video of this song let me know. Would love to hear it some time. I have nothing else to say but it was good. |
_________________
Live your life crazy, and love every second of it!
If you like someone tell them because they won't wait forever! |
|
| Back to top |
|
~Lashes~
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 29 Dec 2007
Posts: 44
Reviews: 27
0 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 11:03 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I was cracked before you
And I was shattered after you
FOr some reason, this was my favorite line. It also flowed really well. The whole song was pretty good too. You made the whole thing flow really well. I can't wait to read more of your Lyrics! Nice job! keep wrting!
~Lashes~ |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Samuel Garrison
To arms! Tis thy Rebel Army!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 26
Joined: 27 Sep 2005
Posts: 1479
Reviews: 286
Country: Native Vermonter.
518 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 11:08 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| EDIT: Wrong person. |
_________________
"You have the Mighty Lord's greatest gift we shall ever receive; a family and one that loves you so much, we shall slain our own wrists and bore blood for your survival, Samuel." - Welcome Garrison
230th F&I Commemeration; Fort Ti, 2007 |
|
| Back to top |
|
AsSunshineIsToHippies
Novice
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 17 Dec 2007
Posts: 9
Reviews: 7
Country: The Kingdom of Heaven
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 11:27 pm Post subject: Cool |
|
|
| I really like this song and I am thinking you are becoming a better poet/songwriter each time you post something under those categories! |
_________________
Once upon a time, I posted a magical message. Then everyone danced and sang keeping the beat with their hands. The End.  |
|
| Back to top |
|
Suketsune
Novice
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 30 Dec 2007
Posts: 5
Reviews: 4
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 5:59 am Post subject: |
|
|
| It was a real good song and the emotions really shine through. The words work real well. There are a few parts that seem to lack the flare that some parts have. But overall, great work and keep it up. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
PsychicNinja
The Official YWS Ninja
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 04 Jun 2007
Posts: 578
Reviews: 188
Country: You mean planet? We Mando'ade are nomads.
368 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 2:38 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hey Alice.
| Quote: |
You tried to fix me way too fast
You didn’t know it was sugar glass |
Sorry, I really getting tired of 'suger glass'. 
| Quote: |
Find the superglue tonight |
I found this sentence is will weird.
| Quote: |
| Has my heart broke your makeshift molding? |
I really like this line. ^^
| Quote: |
| Made of the finest sugar glass. |
Hehe, again. 
And I really like that last part of this verse; the blowing away in the sands part. Loved it.
_______________________________________________________________________
Overall, Alice, I really liked this song.
It wasn't too long, and it wasn't too repetative. Good work.
~Timea |
_________________
"The nice thing about the alphabet, ma'am, is that it gives you plenty of plans to choose from."
―Fi to Etain Tur-Mukan
"Cheer up, still got E through Z plans."
"One day, Fi, I'm going to give you a good slap."
―Fi and Darman |
|
| Back to top |
|
Teh Wozzinator
Respect the 'Vette!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 26 Jul 2007
Posts: 706
Reviews: 234
Country: Limbo...
349 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 2:56 pm Post subject: |
|
|
wow, that was really good. the title sounded a little cheesy, but the song was good. i agree with some others...if you ever make a vid, PM me the link. lol
no edits |
_________________
Cow: You're a lawyer too?
Mosquito: Yeah, I was already a blood-sucking parasite, all I had to do was get the briefcase! ~The Bee Movie
There are "normal" people in the world, but they're no fun to write about. |
|
| Back to top |
|
MidnightVampire
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 12
Joined: 08 Dec 2007
Posts: 430
Reviews: 136
Country: Ghostville. Vampireville. Werewolfville.
348 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 7:57 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I loved it. there arn't many words (at least not that I can think of now) that describe this (unless I pull out a thesaurus). That song would sound great, i really wish I could hear it. |
_________________
I'm back from band camp(excuse me, music camp)! But slightly out of it because I'm getting used to knowing every pitch of many instruments.
You laugh at me because I'm different, but I laugh at you because you're the same. |
|
| Back to top |
|
SkaterPunk2011
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 34
Reviews: 17
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 11:09 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I agree with the others, i really wish i could actually hear the song. Sounds great Alice! I love all of your work, and i hope you keep it up.
Keep Writing
 |
_________________
Heal my wounds with devotion, sew up my heart with despair, strip my face of confinement, release me to the dreams that await me. |
|
| Back to top |
|
kittykat
is the official animal-fruit farmer of YWS
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 12
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
Posts: 472
Reviews: 94
Country: vacationing in Indonesia!
308 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 11:20 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| You just have to make a video or recording of this! I love to hear what it really sounds like. I didn't know what to expect when I read the title, but I'm glad I clicked on it! |
_________________
Our happiness here is all vain glory,
This false world is but transitory,
The flesh is weak, the Fiend is slee
Timor mortis conturbat me.
--William Dunbar |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Anonamuse
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 29 Sep 2007
Posts: 34
Reviews: 27
170 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2008 2:17 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Way to go, Alice. I think I might have already read this, but who cares. It's good. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
