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Sam
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 Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 5:15 am Post subject: D is for Diphtheria |
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D IS FOR DIPHTHERIA:
Written November 2007.
Synopsis: Carl Malloy isn't much of anything. Besides being a star employee at the local Dairy Queen in the town of New Prague, Nebraska, most of his time spent hiding from life in general and idolizing a godlike lifeguard who leant him a towel after a disaster involving someone else's vomit. But when a locker room encounter goes terribly awry, he finds himself in Dr. Kaufmann's office--a psychologist interested particularly in Aggressive Teens. In Group Therapy he meets a girl named Sukie, a half-Japanese, half-insane child prodigy with "maladjustment issues"--and soon, she becomes his (only) best friend.
When his father hits a stray ball deep into the woods lining the golf course, they make a discovery as unexpected as it is shocking, hurling both Carl and Sukie into the paths of sociopathic class presidents, teenaged burnouts, forbidden lovers, travelling preachers and a woman who claims herself to be a hundred and fifty years old--both, all the while, desperately seeking the truth regarding a town that was never supposed to exist.
___
Notes: I'll put up the chapters as I re-edit them. I'm absolutely horrid at formatting, so if you see any mistakes, please holler at me. ^_^ Other than that, any type of feedback would be lovely! It doesn't have to be a huge, story-altering thing--just a few thoughts would make my day. |
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Last edited by Sam on Sat Jan 26, 2008 10:51 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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Joeducktape
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| Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 6:24 am Post subject: |
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Sam, I really enjoyed this. Your style is wonderful, and your words exact. This is great because it creates a clear picture. When I read the interaction between Carl and the woman, I (cringingly) imagined some of the women I see at the local Wal-Mart. You're very good at creating real, round characters.
Well, enough with the good stuff! On to my critique of the first chapter. (Sorry, there's not much there.) |
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Last edited by Joeducktape on Fri Jan 04, 2008 6:32 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Joeducktape
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| Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 6:30 am Post subject: |
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CHAPTER 2:
Overall, very enjoyable! Sukie felt very moody and teenaged, but not so angsty that she made me want to strangle her. She felt very well developed. Also, the image of Sukie on the shag carpet with fashion magazines was great.
The ending was excellent. I think you excel at endings.
On the flip side, I felt that this chapter was not as concise as One, and there were a few typos that need fixing. (Gasp!)
Well, on with the show! |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 5:00 am Post subject: |
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I can't argue with you. Two was not as well done as one... not at all, I dare say.
I'll be horrendously brief, but you can poke more out of me if you would like. ^_^ I think your fault lied in Suki--she was characterized, but very poorly. I know hardly anything about her, her mother, her father, or their situation. I can't imagine Suki as a person. I can't see her walking down the street. I cannot, in a way, wrap myself around her in this first chapter. I can't even tel how old she is. She seems like a stubborn child, really.
Nothing like what I remember from that short you wrote a while ago with Suki. She seemed a lot more lively then. |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 12:29 am Post subject: |
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Ah, Carl. I do love him. ^_^ Not much to pick at. This chapter was pretty conflictless, more like "this is happening. Yeah." And it didn't offer much than what was happening. I would have liked if you went into the Asian girl a bit more, because she is easily the conflict of the story, one can see. I'm kind of stingy, I like continued conflict, or at least, a reason to continue reading. True! I love Carl and that is a GREAT reason to continue to read! But so early into the story as this, I think you just need slightly more of a continued hook. Ja?
Otherwise, joyously neat. Still, not as great as the first, but there isn't anything I could complain about. I don't know. It didn't have chapter ones pazas. And that is a word. |
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Joeducktape
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| Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 11:47 pm Post subject: |
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Yay, chapter three! Much more satisfying than chapter two.
Over all, I enjoyed this. I liked the moment with Carl and the shoes, and Babcia is grand, no? Just a few things that need some adjustment, and most of these are nitpicky/pre-covered by Suzanne above.
Also, apologies for taking so long. School musical rehearsals. -_-
More please!
Love,
Haley |
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Last edited by Joeducktape on Mon Jan 14, 2008 12:56 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 12:51 am Post subject: |
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1) Carl needs to have testosterone implants. Seriously.
Carl in my mind looks like this:
2) The woman reminds me of the people who go to Wal-Mart. Poor Kenneth Carl. But he's lame in the way he deals with it. xD
3) Mick is maybe the only normal person so far in this story. Except he's NOT normal because he reminds me of this person:
Without the weird body guards, anyway. 
And the story is slightly interesting!
Here are my nit-picky comments: |
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Joeducktape
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| Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 9:17 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, Sam! Yays for more D.
HALEY'S SATISFACTION LEVEL: High
This chapter was really great. I especially loved Boone. No major problems except for your misspelling of Y'ALL, which I mentioned. Twice.
*bitter Tennessean*
Anyway, on with it! |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 4:42 pm Post subject: |
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| I have to say that I think Snoink is a fool for not loving Karl. And who cares if Mick is normal? He's a creep. And I think I would be scared if Karl had testosterone. I think Todd would also be scared. XD |
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Dr. Frankenstein: You know, I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
Igor: What hump?
-Young Frankenstein
What am I reading? |
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Suzanne
Ya bet yer boots?
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Country: Riverbluff, MO
1138 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 1:19 am Post subject: |
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Bwahah. My eyes did not burn with the "wrong chapter" although this one made more sense.
Have fun editing! And, oh, how I cannot wait for Todd to actually appear. |
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Dr. Frankenstein: You know, I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
Igor: What hump?
-Young Frankenstein
What am I reading? |
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Sleeping Valor
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| Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 11:46 pm Post subject: |
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^_^ Thanks for reading and commenting on my story! I didn't find much, so this probably won't be all that helpful.
Just one question: Where's chapters 2 and 4??? |
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Sam
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| Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 12:21 am Post subject: |
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Thanks, Sleeping Valor. ^_^
I recently made the decision to switch the story into just one POV, and so that's why 2 and 4 are gone. I'm currently re-working the other parts, and so hopefully there'll be a re-vamped two up very soon. Plot changes are kind of messy. |
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He could not fall in love with anyone who wasn’t perfect, he told himself. It would be so hard to love someone imperfect.
- Also, I Could Kill You |
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Joeducktape
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Sam
sister socrates
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 12 Dec 2004
Posts: 4806
Reviews: 1240
Country: oslo in the summertime
696 Points
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| Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 5:23 am Post subject: |
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Silly Haley. XD
So, I decided to completely revamp the first part of the book. Here's the second chapter, so completely disregard everything you read after the first part...*people run away screaming*
I probably should be responsible and whatnot and mention that ratings will probably range from about PG-13 to R from here on out, depending on the chapter. It's mostly language, but later on there's a lot more fun things. Ish. I'll put a tag on things that could be offensive and whatnot. |
_________________
He could not fall in love with anyone who wasn’t perfect, he told himself. It would be so hard to love someone imperfect.
- Also, I Could Kill You |
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Joeducktape
Band-Aid Hater
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 21 Dec 2005
Posts: 420
Reviews: 103
Country: Some town in Tennessee where people over-decorate for random holidays.
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 1:21 am Post subject: Chapter Two Redux |
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Yay! It's up. For me? Aw, Sam, you shouldn't have!
This was a nice (and drastic) change from your last chapter. It feels like we're definitely getting somewhere quicker, and that's good, I think. However, there were a few things that bugged me. Basically, this chapter was good, but it could still use some polishing.
One cool thing: I really like Carl, and find myself wishing I knew what he looked like. You've done well with not mentioning any physical details right away, so now I want them. 10 points to Sam!
Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)
Also: THEY PEE'D IN HIS SHOES! *cries*
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