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Emma
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 Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 8:44 pm Post subject: Ever Lasting |
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I decided to give up ‘Scary Mary’ because of someone deleting the first one, so here it is…. The next story from the master of all crap… ‘Ever Lasting’. This will one day be the greatest movie ever! (Yeah right!)
Characters:
Phillis – 17, a gothic girl who has short spiky jet-black hair and a nose piercing.
Liam – 17, a cute looking boy, hair longish brown hair that is spiked up.
Ryan – 18, a show off guy, middle length blonde hair. Wears baggy clothing.
Adam - 19, has curly brown hair, also wears baggy clothing, dark colors.
Setting
Set in a private school, near some unknown mountains, covering up the school completely. Plants cover the school, making the wildlife come to stay and be safely wrapped up by the safety of the vegetation.
Scene One: The Beginning
It is inside the small greenhouse where a class is being taught. Phillis and Liam start to talk while the teacher goes off to find some books on the rare plant: tenuifolium 'Garnettii'
Phillis: Wow, and half of these plants I didn’t even know.
Liam: About last night…
Phillis: …Please, don’t go on about it. What was done was done, no biggy. Everyone is happy.
Liam: I’m not.
The teacher walks in with a small booklet on the plant. She sees the two teens talking
Teacher: Okay, enough now children. We must get on with the plant work. You all should know there will soon be an exam on it.
Everyone moans, then the bell goes, they get up and leave the greenhouse. When Phillis and Liam leave they see their friend Ryan and they all walk down the outside path leading to the dorms.
Liam: Hey Ryan…
Ryan: What’s up dude? Oh, and how could I forget my little girl?
Phillis: (laughing) Shut it.
She hugs him while walking down the path, he wraps her arm round her. Liam turns away and sighs.
Ryan: What’s the matter? Something going on that needs to be told?
Liam: Nothing… I better get a move on… Time flies! (unsure laugh)
He runs off, dropping his small diary which was in his hand. Forgetting it fell he carries on running
Liam’s voice in the background: That day will always be remembered. Of course it really shouldn’t of happened. I done something terrible to Ryan, but he didn’t know it. Not until I dropped my diary. I mean, come on why was I carrying it in the first place? I was going to show him. Make everything perfect, but it didn’t…
While this is being said, Ryan picks up the diary and puts it in his sling bag, Phillis hugs him tighter and they carry on walking.
Scene Two: Unsorted
It is in Ryan’s dorm. It is night and the rain is hammering down. It is dark and the only source of light is from the small lamp, which is giving off an orange glow. He has a small book in his hand, opened up at the first page. He starts to read through it, a knock at the door is heard and Ryan quickly hides it under some papers while Adam lets his self in.
Adam: You said I could borrow your ‘Killers’ CD?
Ryan: (nodding) Yeah, right, wait there.
He looks through one of the draws on his small desk, he looks under the papers and sees the diary again, underneath it is the CD. He takes it out and quickly covers the diary. He then gives it to Adam. Adam nods and comes right in and sits on Ryan’s bed.
Adam: What you been doing?
Ryan: Oh nothing, pretty boring really.
Adam: You were hiding something. I saw it through the keyhole.
Ryan: You shouldn’t be looking, man!
Adam: So what is it?
Ryan: A diary.
Adam: Yours?
Ryan: No way, I am not some looser who likes writing down my thoughts!
Adam: So who is it?
Ryan: Who else’s but Liam’s.
Adam: Oh I gotta see this.
Adam quickly grabs the diary from underneath the papers, he turns to some random page and laughs.
Adam: Okay, lets look what he did… On Tuesday..
Ryan: That was like yesterday? Am I right?
Adam: Aye. Now… I don’t know what this feeling is, it is bizarre. Somehow, I have this feeling for her… Oh how cute, he fancies someone! …And I know she feels something for me. I mean, come one she kissed me. Though what was really dreadful was that she is going out with someone… I didn’t know he could do that! Ha!
Ryan: Do you think it was his first time? Oh read more!
Adam: Okay I am… When our lips touched each other it was like we were destined to be together. If only Phillis was single… What?!
Ryan: This is a lie, I know it is. Man, how could he do that?
Adam: What is with this Goth chick?
Ryan: She’s pretty darn cute.
Adam: Alright then… But what about Liam? Are you going to get him.
Ryan: I don’t know.. I know that he would kill me if he found out I read it!
Adam: He can’t fight to save him self.
Ryan: Actually he can. But why did he do that to me? My girl! I need to know who kissed who!
Adam: Get it out of Phillis!
Ryan: I can’t, oh what, this is Impossible, man.
Ryan grabs the diary and stuffs it in a draw, he kicks the desk and runs his fingers through his hair. He sighs.
Adam: I better go then, gothic chicks are always hard to keep.
Ryan: Well.. yeah, so are friends.
Adam leaves and shuts the door behind him. Ryan sits on the bed staring at the wall in front of him.
Liam speaking through the background: Life got a little harder and so did the friendship. We have always loved the girl. She was special. But so was Ryan. I wish it never happened… I wish I could turn back time. |
Last edited by Emma on Sun Apr 17, 2005 7:37 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Harley
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| Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 7:32 pm Post subject: |
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It's okay, escept for a couple of things;
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| Phillis: (laughing) Shut it. |
I don't think she should laugh and say "shut it". Would you?
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| Ryan: I can’t, oh what, this is Impossible, man. |
I think this should be: "I can't, it's impossible, man." as the line is too... laboured.
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Liam: What was done was done, no biggy. Everyone is happy.
Liam: I’m not. |
Who said what here?
Overall it's alright. I think the dude should write that the girl is going out with his friend/roomie, though, as it would make it easier to follow. |
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Emma
the wee dafty
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| Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 7:42 pm Post subject: |
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I know if you could hear her say it, she would be laughing, shut it. Sorry i didnt make that more clearer. 
The Ryan bit, I was trying to make it more realistc when he says that line, trying to make him feel a litle stressed or something. As I said before.. I think. Though maybe your way sounds better.
And the next bit, oooh i didnt notice it, thanks for telling me, I've sorted it out now. Oh and I thought you would be able to tell by the hugging and that with Ryan and Phillis. Sorry
Thanx for that Harlz, your great at everything... Damn you! |
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Sam
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| Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2005 9:25 pm Post subject: |
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YAY!
I thought it was a little short for what it was though. It went by far too quickly, and I had no idea what was going on half the time (which is not good, if ya haven't noticed lol)
Phillis: Wow, and half of these plants I didn’t even know.
that line is out of place. Either fix it or delete it. |
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Emma
the wee dafty
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| Posted: Mon Apr 18, 2005 6:34 am Post subject: |
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| oh, i forgot to say thats the first bit >.< |
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Rei
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| Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 5:40 pm Post subject: |
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| Where was the story here? Your first scenes need to be a little longer to establish who these characters are, and what the relationships are. I think what you also need is a little more focus, because I didn't really see how the scenes were connected to each other. |
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xocsunx
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| Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2005 2:26 pm Post subject: |
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I think it's a little bit too much like Harry Potter. Maybe you should change the setting at the start to make it a little more your own. Other than that, I thought it was pretty good.  |
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