Topic ID: 24138
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
kittykat
la lalala la...
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 12
Joined: 23 Dec 2007
Posts: 737
Reviews: 110
Country: USA!
240 Points
|
 Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:38 am Post subject: The Second Earth |
 |
|
This is my second post ever and I hope you like it! I'll will take any comments or suggestions you have for me! Here it is...
Chapter 1, Part 1, Captive
I ran to the window, another lab break was going on outside. The scientist were taking people from Earth and bringing them here to Second Earth. The people from Earth were running loose in my neighborhood with frightened expressions on their faces. I opened my door and stepped outside to get a better view of the earthlings. They didn’t look much different than we did, except they look flimsy and week. There was only once I saw a muscle bound human, and even he was still too weak and was able to be taken back to wherever the scientist take them.
I looked up to the sky and saw giant jets were flying overhead. People in lab coats and green goggles were climbing off the tall jets. While some scientist were already on the ground and handcuffing the earthlings, the others were chasing them. Once the earthlings were handcuffed the scientists made them sit on the ground. The scientists would draw a circle around the captives with what looked like a red piece of chalk, and then they would set their hands on the ground and the red circle would light up, a scene too familiar to me. After a moment of blinding red light everyone would disappear.
“Where did they go?” I asked myself, hoping for an answer to pop up in my head.
Then as I turned around to go back inside, a scientist grabbed my hand and cuffed me. Oh no. They thought I was a human from Earth! I froze and tried to calm myself down. The scientist was drawing a red circle around me.
“I’m from Second Earth!”
The scientist ignored me and went on drawing the finishing touches to the circle. I began to sob, remembering the evil things my friends said the scientist do to the earthlings. The red light blinded me, and before I knew it, I was in a lab. My heart stopped when I saw what was in giant glass tubes on the wall in front of me. Earthlings walked around the lab with scrapes, cuts, and bandages all over them. One woman had an extra arm that was beginning to grow out of her back. She looked over to me and screamed in pain. I looked away from the woman and back at the emotionless scientist above me. He took a fluid filled needle out of one of his pockets and stabbed it in my right arm.
The only thing I was able to muster out of myself before I lost consciousness was, “I am going to die here…” |
Last edited by kittykat on Sat Jan 05, 2008 3:52 am; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
SeraphTree
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 383
Reviews: 339
Country: Alaska [state]
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:51 am Post subject: |
|
|
Please space between paragraphs.  Then I will crit. |
_________________
"You used a log splitter to pull my tooth??"
"You got a better idea?"
~This Old House |
|
| Back to top |
|
kioneslayer
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 29
Reviews: 26
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 2:12 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
| I ran to the window, another lab break was going on outside. The scientist were taking people from Earth and bringing them here to Second Earth. The people from Earth were running loose in my neighborhood with frightened expressions on their faces. I opened my door and stepped outside to get a better view of the earthlings. They didn’t look much different than we did, except they look flimsy and week. There was only once I saw a muscle bound human, and even he was still too weak and was able to be taken back to wherever the scientist take them. |
You used 'Earth' too much, and 'people from earth'. You could use 'other beings' in a sentence or something. I got bored quick of the first paragraph because of the repition. Also, you put 'week' instead of 'weak' in one of the sentences. Another thing, discribe the scientist. How did they look, were they burly or are they like toothpicks? Were they mean or nice. Give a better discription overall as well in this chunk of story.
| Quote: |
| I looked up to the sky and saw giant jets were flying overhead. People in lab coats and green goggles were climbing off the tall jets. While some scientist were already on the ground and handcuffing the earthlings, the others were chasing them. Once the earthlings were handcuffed the scientists made them sit on the ground. The scientists would draw a circle around the captives with what looked like a red piece of chalk, and then they would set their hands on the ground and the red circle would light up, a scene too familiar to me. After a moment of blinding red light everyone would disappear. |
cut out the discription of the scientist and put it in the first paragraph. It's easier putting discription with the introduction of the minor characters. =D that way your reader doesn't turn away because they think you lack discription. But more details once more. And you're world laws are strange to me. How can the scientist hang off of jets. They're too fast on the original earth, therefore, you're breaking the laws of physics. If you're going to break the normal laws, make sure to tell the reader that the original earthlings used technology to change the laws of gravity and so on.
| Quote: |
Then as I turned around to go back inside, a scientist grabbed my hand and cuffed me. Oh no. They thought I was a human from Earth! I froze and tried to calm myself down. The scientist was drawing a red circle around me.
“I’m from Second Earth!”
The scientist ignored me and went on drawing the finishing touches to the circle. I began to sob, remembering the evil things my friends said the scientist do to the earthlings. The red light blinded me, and before I knew it, I was in a lab. My heart stopped when I saw what was in giant glass tubes on the wall in front of me. Earthlings walked around the lab with scrapes, cuts, and bandages all over them. One woman had an extra arm that was beginning to grow out of her back. She looked over to me and screamed in pain. I looked away from the woman and back at the emotionless scientist above me. He took a fluid filled needle out of one of his pockets and stabbed it in my right arm.
The only thing I was able to muster out of myself before I lost consciousness was, “I am going to die here…” |
A few things, deary. You said she calmed herself in the first paragraph of the quote, but in the second(or is it the third? Hard to tell without the spaces) you said she started to sob and remember evil things, in other words, she started to panic. State that she started to panic in some way instead of drasticly changing her feelings all of a sudden, I don't care if you have to put in the first that she was hiding her true feelings. Who's her friends? From school, work or just normal life? Use details. And then put the last paragraph with the one above it since you're not changing the attention/area. It's still her actions, unless you put a seperate paragraph for the scientist's actions, that's a different story(no pun intended).
| Quote: |
| The scientist ignored me and went on drawing the finishing touches to the circle. |
I honstly think 'of the circle' sounds better.
Okay, I think that's it. =D It was okay, needs a lot of work though, needs more of a storyline. ^^ But it was good none the less. |
_________________
"The Circle of Rising!" Alita shreeked while looking down at the circle with a seven-pointed star with a rose in it. The star's points touched the edge of the chircle while the rose almost seemed to drift in the middle. ~The Alchemy Child |
|
| Back to top |
|
MidnightVampire
Lauren did it!
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 08 Dec 2007
Posts: 475
Reviews: 139
Country: lost in my book
415 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 2:49 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Wow. you got me right from the begining. I agree with the whol "earth thing". I really don't have much to say except I like it. I never am much of a critiquing person though. Sorry. I liked it though. I also like how you made the red circle thing, about how they were being transported.O i have a critique thing! are the scientists from second earth? because testing humans (like us... or i hope its us and not just me), would be against their nature.... right? |
_________________
I'll sleep in December
Icon from: http://community.livejournal.com/nano_icons/57768.html#cutid1 |
|
| Back to top |
|
the morrow
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 24 Dec 2007
Posts: 53
Reviews: 36
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 3:47 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Like SeraphTree said, please space out your paragraphs. |
_________________
t h e m o r r o w
there is no gene for the human spirit
>>Online Writing Contest for Charity: Please Respond
[http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic32589.html]<< |
|
| Back to top |
|
deleted1
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 21 Oct 2007
Posts: 122
Reviews: 73
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 4:13 am Post subject: |
|
|
Interesting beginning, spacing would be a big plus. We really don't get an idea of the character and the use of 'I' and 'my neighborhood' is really a poor choice for most. First person just doesn't suit this kind of fantasy it seems.
Just my two cents. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
R. J. Hoffman
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 126
Reviews: 59
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 4:41 am Post subject: |
|
|
| i dont want to discourage you but you need alot more description. what does the nieghborhood look like? What is the weather? is the sky red because of a high methane content in the atmosphere? do the jets look like modern day jets or are they more advanced? what is the atmoshpere in the lab? is there harsh lighting? sharp smells? |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
SeraphTree
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 383
Reviews: 339
Country: Alaska [state]
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 5:29 am Post subject: |
|
|
BOM BOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have returned.
I have to agree with all previous statements on this.  There is so little to go on, we don't really grasp the situation.
I ran to the window, another lab break was going on outside. The scientist were taking people from Earth and bringing them here to Second Earth. The people from Earth were running loose in my neighborhood with frightened expressions on their faces.
This is really choppy. The scientists did this... then they did this... we don't need to know everything the scientists do. Besides, why would the scientists be chasing down the earthlings? Wouldn't they rather be working in the labs and things?  I suggest changing them to some sort of police.
We need more thought bubbles. Is it normal for the earthlings to be brought to second earth?
They didn’t look much different than we did, except they look flimsy and week. There was only once I saw a muscle bound human, and even he was still too weak and was able to be taken back to wherever the scientist take them.
Ah... Arian Race sort of thing? If they are this^^^^ much different from eachother, why is the MC taken captive? If she isn't your stereotypical Second Earthling, why did she come out and see? Details please
I looked up to the sky and saw giant jets were flying overhead. People in lab coats and green goggles were climbing off the tall jets. While some scientist were already on the ground and handcuffing the earthlings, the others were chasing them. Once the earthlings were handcuffed the scientists made them sit on the ground.
This sounds like 'This is Jane. See Jane run.' writing. Read it out loud to yourself, and combine the sentences.
Where did they go?” I asked myself, hoping for an answer to pop up in my head.
Why does she care?
Then as I turned around to go back inside, a scientist grabbed my hand and cuffed me. Oh no. They thought I was a human from Earth! I froze and tried to calm myself down. The scientist was drawing a red circle around me.
Again, we need more details and background on this character. Why did they take her?
One woman had an extra arm that was beginning to grow out of her back. She looked over to me and screamed in pain. I looked away from the woman and back at the emotionless scientist above me
The flow is off. You can combine these ideas better
Overall, it was a little too vague and not enough background/ thoughts. We know nothing about your MC, except that she is from Second Earth. Build up to this point, or use it as a flash back
If you have questions, PM me |
_________________
"You used a log splitter to pull my tooth??"
"You got a better idea?"
~This Old House |
|
| Back to top |
|
Talking_Pinata
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 247
Reviews: 86
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 12:58 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hello! I decided to return the favor of your critique on my work, so here is my view on it:
Weak is spelled WEAK in this...
I like this story, it caught my curiosity when I first began reading. I just hope that explainations to everthing will come later in the story
I agree that it needs more background thoughts
Vary your nouns some, hearing jet twice in two sentences is a pet peeve. It might just be me, but I don't like having too many of two of the same nouns or verbs within a small space, I pattern or vary mine.
Overall, I really liked it! Thankyou for writing and I hope to see more! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
DragonWriter
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 15 Apr 2007
Posts: 160
Reviews: 61
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 1:24 am Post subject: sowhat middle reveiw. |
|
|
Ok, so I like your idea. However, you material could do with some tweaking hear or there.
I agree with everyones comments. Except, we could do with some serious back ground inforamtion. Everything just suddenly happens.
Also, for petes sake, it is called veriety! Do not use I and the scientist in the beging of the sentance so much. It gets slightly anoying
As for mechanicle errors, Isee nothing wrong. On the otherhand, I am not the person to ask that.
So, pm me when you edit it and Iwill look at it again.
Aerall, a pretty good peice. |
_________________
Twilight rocks!
New Moon rules!
Eclispe kicks butt!
In coclusion, Steaphine Meyer is a rocking, ruling, and kick butt authour!
That is the TRUTH! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4.
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Posts: 1859
Reviews: 370
Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 7:43 pm Post subject: |
|
|
That was very good, suspense-packed piece, with just a bit of criticism:
You used 'Earth' and 'People from earth' too much. Earthlings is good, but there only 3 terms for such a common name can be wearing for the author. How do you characters regard people fmo earth? Inferior? weak? they could make good words for such as these.
Try playing around with sentence structure as well, so as you do not say scientist and I at the start of each sentence. Introduce some names, or move nouns around a bit.
Keep writing
Mark |
_________________
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human. |
|
| Back to top |
|
chichi
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 04 Oct 2008
Posts: 62
Reviews: 57
Country: Australia
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 3:24 am Post subject: |
|
|
This is chapter one, right? Well, your entire novel isn't going to be very long at this rate. You could have devoted a whole chapter to the earthlings actually being captured and sent to Second Earth, where they're confronted by scientists (who apparently do their own dirty work on Second Earth! What a surprise!). Another chapter, or a preface, could have been more information about Second Earth, before you launch into the narrative story. You have just jammed two or three chapters into one chapter at the expense of description, feeling and thoughts. I didn't even have a clear idea of the scenery!
| Quote: |
| There was only once I saw a muscle bound human, and even he was still too weak and was able to be taken back to wherever the scientist take them. |
Thankyou for spelling weak correctly this time. This sentence reeks of lack of information. We don't know anything about why the scientists are taking humans or why this new race is so superior. We don't know why the scientist's lab is so mysterious.
Oh, and by the way, Second Earth?! You could keep the title as "The Second Earth", which tells people that it is a second Earth, but why name the planet something so unoriginal? Surely the rulers of this new planet would not want to be seen as a copy of their inferior counterpart (ie; the first Earth). Even something more scientific like Earth Beta would be better than Second Earth. That name will get very stale, very fast if you keep using it. Could you name the earthlings, too? "Earth people", "earthlings" and "people from the first earth" just aren't going to cut it. Why not give them a name so that we know who you're talking about at all times, and it may also give us a better idea of their character (or at least the Second Earth people's view of them).
And finally, more description! More powerful nouns! More helpful adverbs! More informative adjectives! Come on, you're leaving me with the bare bones in this story!
Good luck with your editing (if you choose to take on board what I said)! |
_________________
Smart signatures are all off Google. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
