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Azila
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 Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 6:37 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, Squallz!
Thank you so much! That was an awesome review. 
~Azila~ |
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canislupis
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| Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 10:12 pm Post subject: |
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Ooh..... one more thing I noticed:
A handshake is definitely not a very alien gesture..... One sec Nemaida is gesticulating wildly, and the other person has no idea whats going on. The next, she is shaking hands..... seems a bit odd to me, maybe you should elaborate?
That was it!
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Azila
Yes we did!
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| Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 1:20 am Post subject: |
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Mm, I see your point there Canis. I'll think about it--maybe I'll make something else... I'll have to gnaw on that.
Thanks!
~Azila~ |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 11:18 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, phooey. Everyone's already reviewed...:/
Still - even though all the mistakes have been pointed out, why don't I say what I liked and why? It probably won't be very helpful, but I hate not to comment on something as grand as this.
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My bubble of idle thought is burst as the electric school bell rings, sharp and metallic like an alarm clock. The rustle of papers and the squeak of chair springs echo around the little classroom.
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I swear, Aliza (so that's your real name!) that you have a remarkable talent for creating opening sentences that are both eloquent and riveting. As soon as I read this, I wanted to read more.
And, considering that you are home-schooled, the classroom atmosphere/mood and the teacher's dialogue are very well done. ^_^
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Her name is Olivia. Other teachers have told me that she doesn't pay attention in class; that she only talks if encouraged repeatedly and even so, gives two-or-three-word answers at best. The latter was most definitely true, but I have to disagree with the former. She may not seem to be focused, but if one were to look at her essays and stories, one would realize that she is acutely gifted and has taken everything that you’ve said into account.
I smile to myself and lean my elbows on my desk. I should probably tell her to go, like her classmates, so that she won’t be late for the bus—but she looks so intent that somehow I can’t bring myself to disturb her.
In the setting sun, she glows like an emerald. She dresses in green; always green. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her wear anything else. Today she wears a fair, delicate shirt with dangling sleeves that flutter in the wind. Her short pants reach her calves in faintly-textured folds of forest green.
She reminds me of a fairy; she is so ethereal and quiet. She flits around the school by herself, unlike the other students who always traverse the halls with friends. Looking at her now, I see her narrow, sandaled feet tapping the legs of her desk as her hand pauses, no doubt in search of the right word. She tucks one of her feet under her other leg and her hand begins to dance once again across the paper.
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I love the way you've described Olivia here - not an info-dump, because you described and explained what was happening as the teacher thought, but an informative few paragraphs that are enjoyable to read. You seem to have a knack for sidestepping info-dumps, my dear.
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Colorful streamers around the room read, I Want to be Able to Shake Hands With Your Character! It’s a lame slogan, and it makes me cringe every time I read it, but it seems relevant considering that in this year in creative writing we’re focusing on character development and description.
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Hhhm..maybe there is something I don't like. 'Lame' doesn't sound very much like a teacher-ish thing to say - or think - and perhaps you should replace the comma after 'read' (in the first sentence I've quoted) with a colon or semicolon?
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I unfold it and barely notice that the words glow faintly in the dark room. As I read, enchanted, an opalescent aqua mist begins to gather over the neat, cursive letters. It grows and swirls like a tornado. I read on, heart thumping as the gleaming mist rises from the paper and takes the shape of a little girl, the size of my forearm, with gossamer wings and pointed, elf-like ears. As the wings flutter, the radiant little girl solidifies and for the first time, I look away from the paper and straight at her—and know her immediately. She is Naraida, the little fairy orphan who is the protagonist from Olivia’s story.
She dances around in the air, flying in circles around my head and singing in a high tinkle of a voice that reminds me of wind chimes. Finally, she alights on the desk in front of me and begins to twitter rapidly in an unintelligible language—Tornill, the language from Olivia’s fantasy world. As she talks, she gesticulates madly with her delicate hands. Ah yes, didn’t Olivia write that gestures are a very important part of Tornill?
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I am sooo jealous of the skill with which you describe the fairy coming out from the page[s]. I wish I could write my fantasy with such grace...
Overall, this is so, so, so, so, so, (so X1000) excellent. I just love everything about it - your pacing is perfect, your characters vivid, and your prose, as always, Is breathtakingly eloquent.
I do apologize your this rambly, unhelpful review, but I felt I should say SOMETHING about it since I've devoted myself to reading and commenting on everything in your portfolio.
(Just so you know - this doesn't count as one of the seven reviews. Next time you post something new, I'll try to critique before everyone else does.) 
Cheers for an amazing piece,
Camille |
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Azila
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| Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 4:17 am Post subject: |
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Thanks so much, Camille!
I don't know if I already said this, but I actually entered this piece into the Mark Twain Young Author's Workshop (see siggy) so encouragement is actually very nice to hear.
And I don't care about the critique count. ^_^
~Azila~ |
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Midori
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| Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 4:48 am Post subject: |
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That was truely an amazing story. I liked the way you put the detail of wanting to shake hands with the character at the begining. I was a seemingly an unimportant detail but comes back to be the conclusion of the story. You were also very descriptive. I could actually see evry detail of the scene described and the vivid interesting characters forming in my head. The only thing I would suggest to improve your story would be to be more clear about what Olivia did with her paper when she left. The way you stated it was unclear about if she took it with her o handed it to the teacher or took it with her or something like that. I myself was under the assumption that she handed it to the teacher, the teacher had already read it, and it was no big deal.
Well that is what I think, But it was an all around great story. |
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Midori
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| Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 4:49 am Post subject: |
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That was truely an amazing story. I liked the way you put the detail of wanting to shake hands with the character at the begining. I was a seemingly an unimportant detail but comes back to be the conclusion of the story. You were also very descriptive. I could actually see evry detail of the scene described and the vivid interesting characters forming in my head. The only thing I would suggest to improve your story would be to be more clear about what Olivia did with her paper when she left. The way you stated it was unclear about if she took it with her o handed it to the teacher or took it with her or something like that. I myself was under the assumption that she handed it to the teacher, the teacher had already read it, and it was no big deal.
Well that is what I think, But it was an all around great story. |
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chayonz
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| Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 1:06 pm Post subject: |
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This is literally a piece of magical art. Im serious! The whole feel of the story is so mistifying. No kidding. Its really amazing. As soon as i read it i felt as tho i was actually in it. Your words flowed so perfectly and it felt so real. Your descriptions seem so accurate that i could imagine the setting and the girl and fairy.
I love the fact that you made a teacher seem so much like a young person, her love of writing, and of imagination is great.
I didn't really see any mistakes, only a few things that you could perhaps improve. but they're jus gramatical and i bet someone here has already pointed them all out so i wont bother.
amazin short story!
congrats! |
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Gwenevire
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 3:40 am Post subject: |
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That was so beautiful!
It was just so perfect! So descriptive and in line, nothing seemed rushed or packed in... It was really good!
I have nothing to say but SUPER!
*kitty agrees*
Oh my god... I just can't believe it. I knew that you where a good writer but not this good.... wow. You have blown me away Zills.
I wish I could have helped you in some way but its just to good for me
I just can't... I love it!
Nice work
Keep writing and never stop you are a natural!
Vivi
*huggels* |
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Azila
Yes we did!
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 4:15 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you so much everyone for the (very positive) reviews!
I'll go get you back, Vivi!
~Azila~ |
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 7:51 pm Post subject: |
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Yup, this has definatley been summed up... mostly
Elegant, majestic, exciting, emotive...
I just love your style, its the type all great writers aspire to be like. Of course, this is a different style of writing, don't et me wrong, this is jsut really good. I can see why it got first place, it flows so... erm... well!
I really liked it, and you may think this is not very helpful, but I can't help someone who doesn't need to be!
Keep writing!
D'Aedomir! |
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