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Playing The Field - Chapter 4
Playing The Field - Chapter 4

by Meep(: in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on December 29, 2007
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Blood Moon
Blood Moon: Word From The Not-so-Wise
Blood Moon: Chapter One
Blood Moon Chapter Three
Blood Moon: Chapter Four
Blood Moon: Chapter Five
Risen From Ashes: Chapter One
Risen from Ashes: Chapter Two
Risen From Ashes: Chapter Three

Blood Moon: Chapter Two

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enjeru   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 29, 2007 11:33 pm    Post subject: Blood Moon: Chapter Two Reply with quote

I walk away form the school as if I had a purpose. When I'm sure no one is looking, I dash into a little inlet of forest that runs right next to the school. In fact, the whole town is surrounded by forest. I love it.

I’m not supposed to go home this way, because James says we might be seen, but I hate crowds. They make me edgy, which is very dangerous. I’m pretty careful anyways. So I just take the shortcut. Once I’m deep enough into the trees that no one can see me, I stop. This is the part James absolutely hates: I turn wolf. I hate the actual transformation, because it feels like I’m being ripped apart. But once I change, it’s a wonderful feeling. I feel free, especially when I start running. And that’s what I do. My jet-black form speeds through the trees, the breeze ruffling my fur. I never feel happier than this.

I’m at my house within a few minutes. I didn’t even break a sweat. I change back and walk into my back yard and into my house. Both of my parents are gone, so the house is quiet. I set my bag down by the kitchen table and look around for something to eat. I grab a couple of cookies from the cookie jar and sit down to do my homework. My mother comes home about an hour later. She comes up to me and kisses the top of my head.

"How was school, sweetie?"

"Eventful." I answer coolly.

"Aye? How?" she asks, so I tell her. After all, she deserves to know the daily struggles due to my heritage. She is my mother.

"Oh, if those boys really knew. Then they would learn their place." I grin, because she knows that will never happen.

My mother is a lot like me. Or actually, I’m a lot like her. I get my personality form her. She’s Irish, and you can definitely tell it from her curly red hair and green eyes, and her accent. And her temper. It’s hard to get her mad, but when it happens-well, I wouldn’t want to be you then.

She tousles my hair. "We’re having pork chops tonight." My mouth immediately starts watering.

"They’re cooked. Fried." No matter, my mother is an excellent cook. My pack frequently stops over for dinner, when we don’t decide to hunt.

"I’ll still be waiting." She smiles and tousles my hair again, the gets up to start supper. I finish my homework soon after- it’s never really all that hard- and head upstairs to my room.

Before we go farther, there’s one thing I have to tell you: I have a passion for drawing. I have an easel in one corner of my room, and my works absolutely cover my walls.

I sit down at my desk, pull out my drawing pad, and start sketching. James’ birthday is coming up and I want to make him something special. So, I decide to draw us, the whole pack, in both human and wolf form, under a full moon. I’m sure he’ll love it. He always likes my art.

I’m busy sketching in the second human figure when my dad comes up the stairs. I grunt a "Hello," focused on my work. My father grunts back, knowing better than to interrupt me while I’m working. I get the werewolf form my dad, who’s almost pure-blooded Navajo. He wasn’t a werewolf, but my his father was. My father explained when we first found out about me, that the gene seemed to skip generations. But, even so, my dad is extraordinary for a human. He’s a cop and a good one.

I’m almost finished with the last human when the smell of fried pork chops creeps into my room. I instantly slam my sketchbook shut, get up and gallop downstairs. Sometimes I just can’t help myself. After all, I’m half animal- so therefore, instinct rules half the time. I’m down there right as my mom takes them out. I try not to drool as I take a plate and slap a chop onto it.

“They’re still hot.” She warns. I shrug. I barely felt it, as my reflexes are so fast. But to placate her, I blow on it. They’re good hot, anyways. Why cook them if you’re not going to eat them that way? I pile my plate with food, because I have a feeling that tonight will be long and I’ll need the energy. My father comes in a minute later, takes one look at my plate and says, “Border check?” I nod, my mouth full of dead pig. (Oh, that makes it sound so appetizing…) He only shakes his head. He has a tall, lean muscular figure, with shoulder length black hair pulled into a ponytail, and dark brown eyes flecked with gold.

“I honestly don’t know why he makes you guys do this,” he says, referring to James, “Vampires haven’t been around for over seventy years- your grandfather’s pack killed off the last ones.” I shrug. My unquestioning loyalty to my alpha overrides my instinct to agree with my parents.

“Precaution, I suppose. Promoting pack unity. I don’t know. Besides, vampires don’t just stay in one place. We’re also just guarding our territory. It’s a wolf thing…” My father says nothing, just digs in to his potatoes. He knows when he’s been beaten. I quickly finish my dinner and put my plate in the sink.

“I might be later this time. I have the southern border.” I say, walking out the door. We live in the northern part of town, which is surrounded by about four miles thick of trees and only one road into and out of the town. A lot of territory to cover.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 30, 2007 1:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, Chapter Two! I've been wondering what happened to you, wolf girl. Very Happy

Bravo. This is much better than chapter one. I like Asriel's spunk; she's one of those protagonists that you can't get enough of.

Quote:
Before we go farther, there’s one thing I have to tell you: I have a passion for drawing. I have an easel in one corner of my room, and my works absolutely cover my walls.


This is telling, not showing. Hopefully that's enough explanation.

Quote:

I’m busy sketching in the second human figure when my dad comes up the stairs. I grunt a "Hello," focused on my work. My father grunts back, knowing better than to interrupt me while I’m working. I get the werewolf form my dad, who’s almost pure-blooded Navajo. He wasn’t a werewolf, but my his father was. My father explained when we first found out about me, that the gene seemed to skip generations. But, even so, my dad is extraordinary for a human. He’s a cop and a good one


Um...I hate to say this, but anybody who's read Twilight will know this is flat-out copying. *winces.* Look, even if it's not intentional, it's sort of a slap in the face. Asriel's dad is an exact combination of Charlie and Jacob Black. He's a cop? He's Navajo? He's a werewolf? You're super creative; I know you can do better than that.

Oh, and than there's the vampire thing, too.

Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of the werewolf's point of view, but, well, read the last two paragraphs I wrote.

Sorry if that sounded harsh. I love this story, enjeru! Seriously, I am SO excited to see what happens to Asriel and what the Blood Moon is all about. So keeping writing, wolf girl!

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 30, 2007 1:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad i got to say not bad at all!! Or Not to shabby. LOL.
keep on writing!!

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 30, 2007 2:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was much better than chapter one. I agree with Fangala about the whole Charlie/Jacob thing, but overall it was a really nice. I'm so glad that you finally posted this, it was like I waited forever for this, but I'm happy to say that I'm not disappointed.

--Lucky

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 9:37 pm    Post subject: Re: Blood Moon: Chapter Two Reply with quote

sorry. Embarassed i didn't realize i had done that. maybe it was just so infused into me...>.> i do love the book!! i'm still trying to fill out her parent's characters more, so i'll be sure to change that. but, fangala...he's not a werewolf. i directly stated that....

enjeru wrote:
He wasn’t a werewolf, but his father was.


and thanks!! i'm currently working on trying to revise the prologue and chapter one...so hopefully i'll ahve those up soon...next month...

and i am soooo sorry it took so long to post!! its the holidays, so ya know what goes on...i'll try to get hte next part up sooner!!!

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 9:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good job! =) I need to point out a couple of things, though.

Quote:
But once I change, it’s a wonderful feeling. I feel free, especially when I start running. And that’s what I do. My jet-black form speeds through the trees, the breeze ruffling my fur. I never feel happier than this.


In Blood and Chocolate, the main character also loves to run and she's a werewolf. So maybe you could be a little bit more creative there.

Quote:
Before we go farther, there’s one thing I have to tell you: I have a passion for drawing. I have an easel in one corner of my room, and my works absolutely cover my walls.

I sit down at my desk, pull out my drawing pad, and start sketching. James’ birthday is coming up and I want to make him something special. So, I decide to draw us, the whole pack, in both human and wolf form, under a full moon. I’m sure he’ll love it. He always likes my art.


This also sounds a bit like Blood and Chocolate. The main character loves to draw; she's an artist.

That's about it for now. I really enjoyed this chapter and your characterization is awesome! PM if you have any questions.

Nariel

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 9:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

well, i've never seen blood and chocolate, though i want to, but it's a trait i want my character to have. it'll come into play later in the story.

but thanks for the clarification. ^_^

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 11:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In the second paragraph I think it would be best to describe the transformation and possibley what happens to her clothes when she transforms. I know how tough this can be, being a fellow Werewolf author, but you need to descride this stuff. Like do her bones reform and shift and all that stuff. Gross us out. But otherwise, I think the others beat me to the grammar mistakes.

Another note is this story is reminding me of Blood & Chocolate a lot. Unless your plot is different then I suggest make sure you ain't making your story like another. Plagerism fines cost too much money and too many legal disputes.

*pawprint*
Lethero the Werewolf

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 11:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry it's taken me so long to critique -

Quote:

I walk away form the school as if I had a purpose.


'form' should be 'from'. Wink

Quote:

When I'm sure no one is looking, I dash into a little inlet of forest that runs right next to the school. In fact, the whole town is surrounded by forest. I love it.


That reminds me a lot of Twilight. The town of Forks is also surrounded by forest.

Quote:

I hate the actual transformation, because it feels like I’m being ripped apart.


To echo Lethero up there, I think you should go into more description of her transformation.

Quote:

I didn’t even break a sweat. I change back and walk into my back yard and into my house. Both of my parents are gone, so the house is quiet. I set my bag down by the kitchen table and look around for something to eat. I grab a couple of cookies from the cookie jar and sit down to do my homework.


Notice how a lot of these sentences start with 'I'? You might want to use some more variety; maybe you could say (for one of the phrases) 'After I grab a couple of cookies form the cookie jar, I sit down to do my homework'.

Quote:

Before we go farther, there’s one thing I have to tell you: I have a passion for drawing. I have an easel in one corner of my room, and my works absolutely cover my walls.


That reminds me of Blood and Chocolate, as does the fact that she loves to run. I guess it's okay though, as long as you keep the plot different. *shrugs*

Quote:

I get the werewolf form my dad, who’s almost pure-blooded Navajo.


Again - 'form' should be 'form'. Wink

Quote:

He’s a cop and a good one.


This also reminds me of Twilight. Her dad is a Navajo, and he's a cop. Like Charlie and Jacob, as Fangala said. Also, it reminds me of the way Jacob's father, Billy, isn't a werewolf for some reason, but Jacob is.

Quote:

“They’re still hot.” She warns.


Instead of a period after 'hot', put a comma. Razz

Quote:

“I honestly don’t know why he makes you guys do this,” he says, referring to James, “Vampires haven’t been around for over seventy years- your grandfather’s pack killed off the last ones.”


That also reminds me of Twilight; how the werewolves and vampire are enemies, and they do border checks often.


Overall, this is good. Your characterization is excellent, but I kept wincing due to all the similarities to Twilight and Blood and Chocolate. I also think that the story would benefit from less telling and more showing. For example, when she says that she loves to draw, why not just mention how artwork covers the walls and there's an easel in the corner? We would understand that she's an artist.

I also think that this could use a little more creative language. Metaphors and similes would help to create a more vivid mental image, you know?

Also: I dislike the way her parents seem to perfect. Her mother is nice and an excellent cook, she seems to be quite pretty; her father is lean and muscular, and a good cop. Don't they have any flaws? Isn't there anything that Asriel dislikes about them?

Anyways. Work with this a little - you've got potential. I'm interested to see what Chapter three will bring! Smile

Cheers,
Camille

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