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A poem from a Sea-turtle.
A poem from a Sea-turtle.

by kris in Narrative Poetry
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This thread was created on December 28, 2007
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Zola Chronicles: Will of Fire- prologue pt2
Zola Chronicles: Will of Fire- prologue pt 3

Zola Chronicles: Will of Fire- prologue pt1

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 1:02 pm    Post subject: Zola Chronicles: Will of Fire- prologue pt1 Reply with quote

*ok this is really confusing at first, let me stress that the first part of the prologue is from the bad guys point of view. oh, if you want to continue reading this story pls include that in your review/comments*

Zola Chronicles:

Book I- Will of Fire:

Prologue- Dream's End

Gaia, 10,000 years ago

Paradise, that was what people called the world at the time, and the world did seem perfect. The land flourished, and the people with it, if ever something rose to threaten the peace of the world the Zola rose up and struck it down. Descended of the gods, the Zola were a race gifted with holy powers, guided by spirits of nature they were known as 'The Swords of Heaven.' They had pointed, elf like, ears, and shining jewel colored eyes. Among the Zola, one would rise up in each generation to lead their race, the Zosa was stronger, faster, and smarter, then the other Zola, or you could say, superior in every way. But even in this seeminly perfect world, darkness still dwelt in the hearts of men.

Adrika, stood in the shadows of one of the temples pillars. Many other Zola stood in the huge circular foyer, waiting for the Zosa candidates to emerge from the testing chamber. Thirteen great pillars, carved into statues of the gods, were spaced around the room, supporting the wide arching ceiling, and digging deep into the sandy floor. Adrika tensed as someone moved up behind him he turned his head to see the twins, Kianna and Kyris. Behind him, he nodded when he saw they were wearing the same onyx medalllion as him. One by one the others moved to stand beside him, until the ten of them stood, hidden in the pillars shadow. 'Tonight's the night.' Adrika thought, fingering long dagger at his waist, coated with a lethal poison. 'Tonight is the night it ends... No, the night it begins.'

The crowd in the foyer suddenly stopped whispering as the great stone doors to the testing chambers swung open. Twenty boys and girls, ranging from their late to early teens stepped out of the door, and walked down the long sweeping staircase. They were dressed simply in pure white robes, a simple belt made of golden thread, and they were all bare foot. The children stood together at the base of the stairs, waiting silently as the high priest emerged from the crowd. The old man was dressed like the children but he wore an elaborate, head-dress that must have weighed at least five pounds.

'The old man has one foot in his grave, a mere human, and still he wields power enough to decide our ruler. Fool that he is he has no idea what is about to happen.' Adrika scowled, waiting impatiently for the ceremony to end.

At last the old priest reached the rooms center, he spoke to the children clustered together, his voice carrying across the foyer and the now silent crowd. "Step forward and name yourself, child of fate."

The only sound heard in the room was the rustling of clothes as the children moved aside and one of the walked forward to face the high-priest in the center of the room. 'I knew it.' Adrika stifled the urge to swear, as he watched his upstart baby sister face the priest. She had waist length golden hair and large violet eyes, she was small, only thirteen, so young to be crowned Zosa. 'And so young to die.' Dark thoughts swirled in Adrika's head jealousy, greed, and rage, built over years crystallized into hatred.

Adrika signaled the others to lower the barrier, and began to push his way through the crowd as his sister began to speak. "I am Adriana tel Verisahna, descended of the god of Maytheal, and the next Zosa to rule the Zola, I lay claim to my crown, through trials of blood, heart, and soul... and by the right of my..."

"Not quite little sister." Adrika's voice rang out in the silence of the lobby as he strode into the chamber's center, breaking the small circle between Adriana and the priest. "You're skipping ahead, if you truly wish to be crowned Zosa you must face one more trial."

He sensed the others moving to the gate leading out of the temple, its doors which remained locked tightly until the coronation was over. Adriana was confused as she looked at him, "What do you mean brother? I've passed all thirteen trials, their is nothing more but the coronation."

He smirked coldly at her his eyes flashing. "Don't you get it Adri?" He twisted the nickname into an insult. "It's not going to go that way this time, unlike the other times. This time, their will be no crowning a new Zola to mark the beginning of a new millenia."

Casually Adrika reached up and passed a hand over his eyes, removing the spell on them, and allowing everyone to see his now jet-black eyes, so dark in color you'd never be able to tell the iris from the pupil, his smirk widening as eveyone took a step back away from him. "We are the ones who turn the course of history now." As his last words echoed through the chamber the the gates slammed open, and a tide of black uniformed people poured into the chamber.

Somebody in the crowd shouted as people began to scream. "Call for reinforcements, GUARDS!!! Where are the guards!?"

"Oh, shut up!" Everyone stopped moving as magic blasts were aimed at them by the soldiers. His friends stepped forward into the open space until the ten of them surrounded Adriana and the priest. Marek kept speaking. "The guards are busy elsewhere, since our soldiers are already here, that means half the city is burning, and anyone in it has either been killed or will be killed."

Adrika nodded at Marek, before turning back to his sister, his smirk now changed into a grin, he picked up where Marek left off. "And if you're hoping for reinforcements from elsewhere, don't bother. The same thing is happening anywhere there is a Zola, or a Godsborn."

"You can't do this!" The priest shouted, as he lunged at Adrika. Swiftly he stepped aside, and stabbed the old man in the heart, before letting the priest fall to the ground.

Smugly Adrika looked down at the old high priest. He kicked the mans headress away dismissively. "But old man, we just did."

He stepped over the mans body and walked towards his sister, Adriana was staring at him, her mouth parted slightly in disbelief, tears filled her eyes. "The Zola have grown too complacent in these days of peace, we've been assasinating Zola for months now. This, is just the last strike, burn the Zolan cities, and kill the Zosa before he or she can be crowned." Adrika looked at his little sister, his eyes not showing a hint of remorse. "Sorry sis, looks like you drew the short straw."

Adrika lunged forward stabbing at Adriana, she twisted out of the way, but not fast enough to avoid a small, shallow, cut on her arm. Gasping, she fell to her knees, wrapping her arms around her chest as she struggled to breath. Adrika crouched down to look her in the eye, "Don't bother trying to purge the poison, it will just kill you faster, you've only got five minutes tops anyway, but I'll be merciful." Standing, Adrika sheathed the poisoned dagger and drew his short sword, and in one swift move cut Adriana's head off. Turning he looked out over the stunned crowd,

Adrika looked at his friends, the other Forsaken, and then turned to the soldiers captain. He said simply "Kill them." As Adrika and the others walked out of the gates and down the great stone steps towards the burning city, they could hear the screams of the dying behind them.

***

...And so it was that the once great Zolan empire, that had reached into even the darkest corner of the world, fell from power. That night, which was supposed to commemorate the coronation of the new Zosa, instead became known as the bloodiest night in history. With the old ruler just weeks dead, the assasination of the heir, Her Grace, the Lady Adriana, provided the trigger which would lead the few surviving Zola to their own graves.

In a final attempt to fight against the dark armies that spread across the land. General Srystan, the hero of the North attempted to rally the clusters of survivors against the onslaugt of enemies. However it was not to be, Srystan was betrayed by his own nephew. The rebel forces retreated to Tor's Hammer, a thin bridge of coast line separating the north and east oceans. There the last of the Zola made their final stand, the battle lasted for three whole days and nights. On the morning of the fourth day, the ground, stained red with the blood of carnage, trembled as the rebels charged for the last time. At the end of the day, the last of the true Zola had been slaughtered to a man.

But the price Adrika, and his allies paid was high, for Srystan had taken a full fifth of their forces with him to the grave. The next decades were marked by many battles, as the new empire of Aizea struggled to consolidate it's power. Pockets of resistance sprung up over the world, as each of the traitor Zola sought to control their own territories. But, just as a piece of straw is pulled inexorably into the whirlpools flow, so to was Aizea's conquest inevitable.

The world of Gaia became a near unihabitable wasteland, the oceans and the land were infested with monsters, both human and inhuman. Ruled under by the organization of Aizea, which was led by the eleven traiter Zola, the Forsaken.

To stop rebellion, Aizea destroyed anything that had to do with the Zola, and forbid anyone to speak of them on pain of death. But the stories continued, of brave heroes and kind champions, passed down in fearful whispers. From mother to child, and from that child to their children, and on down the generations, hope remained...

Excerpt from A True History of Gaia

By Anonymous

The reading of this book was banned in the year 567 AR,

To be caught with a copy of this book is a death penalty.



Last edited by sylverdawn on Tue Mar 11, 2008 1:15 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 3:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Righto, before I start, it's a good idea and don't get put off by what are really minor details.

'Gaia, 10,000 years ago'
Personally I think this kind of theing should be mentioned, in passing, during the text.

"They had pointed, elf like, ears"
You don't want to draw comparisons with fantasy cliches, so unless elves play a part in your text as well...you want the Zola to appear unique. Simply describe the nature of their ears. You could also explain why they were "the swords of heaven", do they enforce heaven's dictum?

" lead their race, the Zosa was stronger"
lead their race. The Zosa was stronger....etc


"this seeminly perfect "
A simple typo


'darkness still dwelt in the hearts of men.'
Are Zola the men? Or are we meant to expect some primitive humanoid race to be mentioned at a later stage? Clarification or description could be helpful, though I understand it could compromise the atmosphere a tad.

"the shadows of one of the temples pillars"
standing behind 1 pillar = standing in 1 shadow. consider losing the pluralisation

"that he is he has no idea what is about to happen"
put a comma after the first he? Additionally you might want to take away the speech marks, as an assassin wouldn't risk discovery by even whispering to himself, unless this is intended as a character flaw. HAving read further I realise the forsaken are firmly in control of the situationso you neen't worry as much.

"built over years crystallized into hatred"
I'm not sure on this one, bu a comma after years would fit. I see you're using american spelling, (not a con I just don't like it) The imagery is perfect.

"thirteen trials, their is nothing more but the coronation"
'their' should be 'there'. I love the fact she doesn't get it, it's a good representation of innocence, a flaw of Zolan society.

"unlike the other times"
repetition of 'times' seems odd to me, I can't think why, but it makes me think *he* has seen all the other coronations. Anyway, in my opinion, "unlike in the past", "unlike before etc all fit as well."

"black uniformed people "
seems informal, not quite sinister enough? I'm not sure of the look you're going for, but "darkly cloaked figures" or something should make the same description with a macabre or sinister element.

"He stepped over the mans body "
man's*

The final few paragraphs are very strong in the description of the Zosa's death, but you have to carefully consider if you want Adrika to use vernacular language. It is a big reflection on his character (though if the main story's set in the future of this I doubt it matters)
.
The decapitation is a nice touch, but why do they need blades if they have magical blasts?

I like the high priests death too, but perhaps he should try to protect the Zosan. Failing that she should do something when he's killed. (Just my opinion).

Anyway this rambling is mostly just my opinion, rather than hard and fast objectivity. Personally I'd love to read more and I think you may well have struck some kind of vein, one more likely one containing rich metals than lifeblood, but only time can tell.

'tis a good piece,
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 3:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, the 'pls,pls!' was distracting at the beginning, but on to a review.

The land flurished, and the people with it. If ever [perhaps whenever?] something rose to threaten the peace of the world, the Zola rose [same verb] up and struck it down.

They had pointed, [remove comma] elf like, [hyphenate] ears, and shining jewel colored [hyphenate] eyes.

Quote:
Among the Zola, one would rise up in each generation to lead their race, the Zosa was stronger, faster, and smarter, then the other Zola, or you could say, superior in every way.


Among the Zola, one would rise up [change verb! You used it before in the past tense.] in each generation to lead their race, the Zosa was stronger, faster, and smarter then [than] the other Zola, or you could say, superior in every way. [remove the 'or you could say'. Second person is a no-no.]

But even in this seeminly perfect world, [you already said it seemed perfect. Phrase it differently.] darkness still dwelt in the hearts of men.

They were dressed simply in pure white robes, a simple [you just used that adjective] belt made of golden thread, and they were all bare foot.

The old man was dressed like the children but he wore an elaborate, [remove comma] head-dress that must have weighed at least five pounds.

Somebody in the crowd shouted as people began to scream. "Call for reinforcements, GUARDS!!! Where are the guards!?" [Don't use caps or '!!!' to make drama. Use words. Words are pretty. Words are fun!]

He kicked the mans [man's] headress away dismissively. "But old man, we just did."

Adrika looked at his friends, the other Forsaken, and then turned to the soldiers [soldier's] captain.
_______________

General Comments:

Okay, first of all. I never felt connected to any of the characters. I didn't see enough of Adrika's reasoning to justify his killing. I want to see his virtues - he's not all evil. I want to know his sister, the Zosa's flaws, and how the Zola's have grown lienient over the years. Who are they? I never understood.

This could use much more detailing. I'd like to know what Adrika and Adriana looked like. I didn't like the 'elf-like' ears comparison - it makes me think that there are no differences between these people and Elves. I didn't see any.

Yeah, my comment section gets random. It's my general scribbles about the story.

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 7:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi

Right well most of the typing errors have been pinpointed but I have noticed a couple of sentences that could be improved.

the first one:

I don't think they should be like elf ears- it makes me think that these people are like elves are maybe once where elves.
you could describe elf ears instead: sharp, pointed, arched, spiked.........

Next:

Quote:
Adrika tensed as someone moved up behind him he turned his head to see the twins, Kianna and Kyris. Behind him, he nodded when he saw they were wearing the same onyx medalllion as him.


Maybe rearrange this too- Adrika tensed as something moved behind him. He turned his head to see the twins, Kianna and kyris then nodded as he saw they were wearing the same onyx medallion as him.

Quote:
fingering the long dagger at his waist,


just a typing error

also with that sentense i might have misunderstood something but wouldn't it be a bit obvious to have a long dagger at your waist. shouldn't it be concealed more.

Quote:
he wore an elaborate, head-dress that must have weighed at least five pounds.


i think it would be better to describe the shape and size( and maybe colour) of the head dress instead of how much it weighed because not many people explain things by the amount it weighs.

Quote:
Adrika looked at his friends, the other Forsaken, and then turned to the soldiers captain. He said simply "Kill them." As Adrika and the others walked out of the gates and down the great stone steps towards the burning city, they could hear the screams of the dying behind them.




instead of saying it simply why not: cold heartedly etc.
this is a really tense moment so instead of them just walking out maybe it could be a bit more powerful- strode out of the gates
advanced to the gates then down the......



other then those few sentences i think this is the start of a good story and the rest of the description is good. Another good thing is that the story flows from one thing to the other.
Adrika sounds like a strong, sinister character and i can't wait to read more.
really good job.

hope i helped

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 6:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks for the comments, i appreciate it, as for some of your questions. This is still the prologue. The Zola are basically immortal so you learn more about Adrika in the main part of the story. This is just to get ideas. As for the reasons his motives are unclear, I haven't really figured them out myself.
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