| Young Writers Society - Community Forums For Young Writers |
|
This thread was created on December 27, 2007
  |
|
Mercenary Wings 26
Topic ID: 23821
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
sokool15
In the begining there was nothing and it exploded.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 683
Reviews: 361
Country: Wunderbar!
385 Points
|
 Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 2:31 am Post subject: Mercenary Wings 26 |
 |
|
|
_________________
"Gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at."
~Terry Pratchett, "Small Gods"
Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:58 am; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
greenjay
the bane of the blue jay
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 11 May 2007
Posts: 387
Reviews: 182
Country: here
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 11:02 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I haven't been on in forever, so I might be a bit out of context, but I think I've read all of them up to here (correct me if you noticed that I missed one). Anywho, back to the critique.
| Quote: |
| Darius started back and stared at Brad incredulously. A murmur swept through the silent group of Shyzel, and as one their eyes swept up and fixed directly on Brad. He gulped and smiled, holding up his hands. |
Don't use the same word twice there.
Okay, good job. This was the only thing I noticed.
-GJ |
_________________
“...there are many unpleasant things in this world that have lain covered for far too many years, and there are too many such questions as yours left unasked.” ~Alithel |
|
| Back to top |
|
kitty15
Your friendly neighbourhood kitten
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 4978
Reviews: 1319
Country: England
278 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Dec 29, 2007 10:20 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hello dear! Wonderful as always though I do think the love interest is starting to be a little drawn out. Time for them to start acting on it perhaps? Your characters are still going strong which is great and you have some excellent dialogue. I think the interaction with the other shyzels was fine and you managed to bring in quite a lot of information without info dumping. I'm picky though so here's a list of suggestions -
He wondered if he made her nervous...but no. [An ellipse is the same as any other piece of punctuation. It follows straight after a word and then there is a space before the next word. I'll try to point out your other uses of it.]
I had heard rumors, but...we'd [Ellipse.] never seen them, so I thought they were just that - rumors."
"I want to go see them and all, but...there's [Ellipse.] snow [Either in or on should be here.] the Cranes!
"Um...take [Ellipse.] your shirt? Off your back?"
"Er...um...nothing," said Kiera, blinking. [Ellipses.]
It's just that I've never actually...never mind. [Ellipse.]
Now the only way to keep her face out of the wind was to lay her head on Brad's bare back.
"Why aren't you...what..." she looked down at his feet. [Ellipse.]
The muscles of his shoulders bulged for a moment, then Kiera gasped as a sudden heat burned her face [Maybe skin or flesh to avoid repetition?]. She threw her hands up in front of her face and turned away, panting.
It was perfectly dry and felt pleasantly sun-warmed.
The snow in the hole where she stood had melted in a wide circle and Brad sat in the mud at her feet, dazed expression on his feet face.
Kiera peered at the arrow that had almost killed them and drew in a breath when she saw it was embedded into the tree almost halfway up it's its stem.
To have such strength resting gently near her bones, to know that the gentle, comforting hand could so easily snap her neck...it [Ellipse.] was a frightening thought.
All of the Shyzel were incredibly tall - most of the men were taller even than Brad, who was over seven feet tall himself. [A little awkward. Perhaps 'All of the Shyzel were incredibly tall - most of the men surpassed even Brad's height.' would work better and the reader already knows that Brad is exceptionally tall.]
But a new Mercenary group must be formed, and Valery and Erik must rejoin their clanss clans.
But after the battle, a new Mercenary group will be formed...can [Ellipse.] you assure me that neither Brad, Valery or I will be in it?"
I...I [Ellipse.] don't know," he said finally.
Overall, very well written. Could have more scenery description but generally developing well. |
_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
|
|
| This thread was created on December 27, 2007 |
Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. - Homer Simpson
|
