Topic ID: 23812
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~Volant~
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 Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 12:52 am Post subject: |
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oooh, I really really like! This is good, mate!
Yes, I liked it. Great imagery, and it's sort of something that you have to read again. Something about life being odd, death being painful, and the beyond death worse. It's interesting. I enjoyed this very much! |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 1:58 am Post subject: |
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Azila: Thanks for the tips! I did write this just...randomly, because I was struggling with writer's block and felt that I should write SOMETHING or I would go insane. :} I'll probably use some of the metaphors/similes in other pieces. 
~Volant~: Thanks for the encouragement! =] |
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BigBadBear
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| Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 2:38 am Post subject: |
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| Azila wrote: |
| Ayra wrote: |
| Green trees white snow red blood! |
I think what's wrong with this sentence is that there isn't punctuation. Maybe put in commas? Dashes? Something. 
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Hey! I agree with Azila, 100%. I really like the effect you are going with here. I can totally see it in my mind. so, I think that this should read:
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| Green trees - white snow - red blood. |
This will give the reader the inference that there is lightning, which you are going for. Or, if you want it to be a little more clearer, make it read:
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| Green trees...white snow...red blood... |
But then again, it's up to you.
As the many others said, this is very confuzzling, and I think that it's awesome. It gives us the sense of mystery and vagueness that you were hoping for. So kudos for that!
Your grammar was pretty good, and the line that I pointed out up there *points up* is the only thing that you need to change.
Well done, Ayra. You are indeed a talented writer! Keep writing!
BBB |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 12:38 pm Post subject: |
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Thank-you so much, Jared!
That is exactly what I'll do for the 'green trees white snow red blood' line! It totally fits. 
Anyways, thanks for the critique! I really need to comment on something of yours.
Cheers,
Camille |
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Shreksurmum
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| Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 4:29 pm Post subject: |
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your can really write poems! although, this confused me, i didnt know wht was meant to be happening. but it was written well
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 5:56 pm Post subject: |
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I don't know how to feel about this...
I like the idea, and would be very interested to see if you can make a novel from this!
There are a few places that you change tense, I'm not sure if that's intentional but it can be verey tiring to read, especially with such strong words, mtepahors etc.
There are a few wurstions that intrgue me - will there be any plot? Will you include character development? Will this just be a long poem story?
I really like the imagery, you seem to know what you're doing, which is something thes days!
Let me know if you post anymore, I'd like to take a peek. |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 12:05 am Post subject: |
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Thank-you for your comments, everyone!
I'm thinking of using this in my novel, and if I do, I will definitely be adding character development and all. But for the time being, this will just be as it is.
Anyways. I'll proofread this again to correct the tense mistakes. 
Thanks for the help,
Camille |
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ThanatosPrinciple
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| Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 4:49 pm Post subject: I really liked it |
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| but for some reason it was a little hard to read the first time around. I think it should be a little more clear and the paragraph should be less huge and crowded. Otherwise it was very good. Oh, yes, and what does Master of the Forum mean? And how do you find a saved draft on YWS? (im new) |
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enjeru
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| Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 7:33 pm Post subject: |
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very abstract...but i like it. ^_^
there's alot of imagery about snow. it makes it seem kinda cold. *brr* but it also seems beautiful, if somewhat fierce. like snow.
its an overall good job. i like your description. keep it up! |
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Louisa Clack
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| Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 6:01 pm Post subject: |
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I liked this, its really interesting
Not sure hwre its going though and there are no senses of character or plot really. If you made it more into a poem it would be ok, but if its a story idea, make it more of prolouge style? =)
Good work
x |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 1:40 am Post subject: |
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Thank-you all for your comments!
ThanatosPrinciple >> I got the title 'Master of the Forum' for having 1000 posts. And you can find your saved drafts here. And thank-you for the comments! =]
enjeru >> Hehe, thanks! It is abstract.
Louisa Clack >> This isn't really meant to have character development or plot, but I see what you mean. I wrote it more of an exercise for abstract imagery and such, but I appreciate your comments!
Cheers,
Camille |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 11:54 pm Post subject: |
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mikedb1492
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| Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 2:12 am Post subject: |
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| Dang this was pretty cool. Sounds like a real Hell. So is this like a falling star or something? Anyways, I really liked it. |
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