Topic ID: 23578
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Acoustic Sensitivity
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 21 Dec 2007
Posts: 150
Reviews: 96
Country: Sydney, NSW
300 Points
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 Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 5:54 pm Post subject: The Signs |
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The Signs
I'm tired of waiting
Searching for all the places
I can find, you
Endlessly searching
For all the bizarre answers
That's going around in crops of circles
Hoping I would see
What destiny has brought in mind
Dreaming I would feel
What stars are all aligned
Thinking I would see what
Phases of the moon this time
I'll be waiting
I'll be waiting
I'll be waiting
For you
Hmmm....
Oh, I thought I saw you
Right here just outside of my home
And here I called you thinking
That you were that same person
But it did not matter anyway
Hoping I would see
What destiny has brought in mind
Dreaming I would feel
What stars are all aligned
Thinking I would see what
Phases of the moon this time
I'll be waiting
I'll be waiting
I'll be waiting
Oh, You should have seen me walking
In that sunrise
Oh, You should have seen me waiting
For you all this time
Feeling I have seen, the signs
I guess you have to be there
I guess you have to be with me
Oh, today I finally understand
Trying to fit the signs inside my little mind
Maybe I would tell you all about it
When I'm in the mood
To lose my way but let me say
Oh, You should have seen me walking
In that sunrise
Oh, You should have seen me waiting
For you all this time
Feeling I have seen, the signs
Feeling I have seen, the signs
Feeling I have seen, the signs |
Last edited by Acoustic Sensitivity on Wed Dec 26, 2007 7:21 am; edited 2 times in total |
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EliteHusky
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Posts: 71
Reviews: 66
Country: Canada
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| Posted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 1:04 am Post subject: Good |
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| That seems going around in crops of circles |
I like that!
I'm not sure if that was necessary but it did somewhat help to the atmosphere which complements the winter scape in some ways.
It did not rhyme much to my disliking, but I liked the words you chose; moon, stars, aligned. All of them added to the poetic styling.
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I'll be waiting
I'll be waiting
I'll be waiting |
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Feeling I have seen, the signs
Feeling I have seen, the signs
Feeling I have seen, the signs |
A bit too repetitive to conclude but it added depth to the poem. I'm not poetry expert so feel free to make your own revisions but overall I just like a poem that rhymes! Otherwise it sounds like the lyrics to a song, possibly country or punk.
Happy Holidays,
-Elitehusky |
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Acoustic Sensitivity
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 21 Dec 2007
Posts: 150
Reviews: 96
Country: Sydney, NSW
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 1:45 am Post subject: |
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| This is a lyric of a song... |
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"Reborn into a shooting star."
-Acoustic Sensitivity |
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Kit
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Joined: 25 Jan 2007
Posts: 133
Reviews: 80
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| Posted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 10:39 pm Post subject: |
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Thank GOD, another Australian muso. Next time you post lyrics, tell us what you're doing with the music, yeah? Looking through all your lyrics so far, so I'll get down to the dissections.
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| That seems going around in crops of circles |
It's pretty formulaic up till here, usually songs are, universal human experience and all that. But this line shows originality, play of concept, the phrasing I'm not crazy about, depending how fast the song is, crops of circles could be cumbersome to sing. But other than that, good. I like your work better when you let it sit without rhyme.
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| What destiny have brought in mind |
grammatically it should be 'what destiny has brought in mind', or 'what destiny brought in mind'. I actually like the latter for flow. This line creates rhythmic interest, yay. Clear musicality.
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| What stars are all aligned |
Not a good line. I don't like 'all aligned', it seems forced, like you were playing with a rhyming dictionary or something. If you cut the 'all' it might feel more natural.
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| Phases of the moon this time |
That I like though.
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Oh, I thought I saw you
Right here just outside of my home
And here I called you thinking
That you were that same person
But it did not matter anyway |
Whaaat? It's like you were going into a ballad and then you gave up half way through, what happened? Nothing gratingly wrong about this verse just it seems cuts short, it doesn't lead anywhere.
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| Feeling I have seen, the signs |
This is a good lyric. Dying to know what you did with it musically. |
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Princess of Parataxis, Mistress of Manichean McGuffins |
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