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sokool15
In the begining there was nothing and it exploded.
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 Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 6:14 am Post subject: Mercenary Wings 25 |
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~Terry Pratchett, "Small Gods"
Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:57 am; edited 1 time in total |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 10:24 am Post subject: |
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Yay for more Mercenary Wings! An excellent chapter my dear. I'm loving the character of Lane but starting to wonder if I'm so fond of the king. He seems rash and quick to anger. Brisk and commanding. He seems quite a lot like the other king but then, that's not a bad thing. Merely an observation.
Your dialogue is lovely as ever and I think Seden and Annie would make a brilliant couple! Though perhaps he will end up with Cat? Or neither? Either way, they're all fantastic characters. I think that's probably your greatest strength - you manage to make your characters flawed just enough that they're completely perfect!
More description could still be added in places. Like with the meadow. I think you could add just a little more detail there and great job with that by the way. Hmmm. That reminds me. I think I'm starting to dislike Mariamne a touch too. She's a very well developed character and I'm starting to think her priorities are a little out of place.
The speed of the nitewalkers is well portrayed but perhaps emphasised a little too much? Maybe take out a sentence or two on that; there's no need to keep reminding your reader that they're fast.
Also, I like how Annie is developing. She seems to show a touch more emotion now and I get the impression that recent events and people have effected her more than she let's on. Certainly an interesting character.
Anyway, general observations finished and here's two small, specific suggestions -
"Let's off to the castle." [This seems a little fragmented which doesn't feel right with the character of Mother. So maybe 'Let's be off to the castle." would work better?]
It seemed like a moment [This is too vague. A moment? That could be any length of time. You need to use a short moment or something, just to clarify.] from the time they had started walking to when they reached the end of the forest and looked down the meadow towards the castle.
Other than that, it was perfect. One of my favourite chapters so far I believe. Keep up the good work, maybe try to vary your sentence lengths a bit more so that you have shorter sentences when Seden first spots Lane - turn it into a bit of an action scene? Don't go straight from possible foe to friend perhaps? - but generally very well written. Good work and Merry Christmas. Talk to you soon,
Heather xx |
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Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
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TL G-Wooster
dear boy, do I LOOK like a military objective?
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| Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 1:30 pm Post subject: |
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Whizz-whizz, sir! Wings be back! 
Apart from the delay in updates *glares meaningfully at Mademoiselle* this was very good, and I'm glad you added the little note up the top. This has been gone so long, I'd almost forgotten what had been happening.
Just a few things:
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| As he ran towards Seden, he was pulling one of the papers out of the pouch. |
Slightly awkward. Maybe, "He pulled some papers out of the pouch as he ran"?
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| He reached the clearing and stood panting, looking around the clearing. |
Maybe just, "He reached the clearing and stood panting, looking around him"?
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| The man absolutely towered over the lithe, slender Seden, and Seden was a little nervous... |
I'm not sure how to change this, but the repetition is too much.
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| The king must be forseeing great destruction to the forest, if he was compelling all creatures to vacate. |
I'd change these to words less flowery. They come off as rather pompous. Maybe, "The king must be expecting great danger to the forest, if he was ordering all creatures to leave."
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| Seden’s voice was loud and breathless, and he was panting. |
Nitpick: too many "and"s.
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“But I thought we were waiting until Kiera and Bradken got back with reinforcements,” protested Cat.
"Apparently the plan has changed. Get ready to leave immediately," Seden ordered before dashing back down the hallway. He hesitated in front of Kiera's room before remembering that she was gone with that Shyzel person to get recruits. |
Cat just mentioned this, wouldn't that have reminded him?
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| He would have to remember to complement Mariamne on doing such an excellent job with the forest. |
Complement = compliment
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| Mariamne drew in a breath and hissed angrily, "That Dominic! He should know better, ruining all my beautiful flowers." |
I know it shouldn't have, but I found this amusing. It's like Dominic's a school kid who's messing around in Mariamne's garden. 
And ditto to Kitty's comments.
Very good, and I'm intrigued as to what's going to happen next, and what's happening with Brad and Kiera. *meaningful nudge*
Keep writing! |
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C: Will you be all right?
H: As a dear friend of mine once said, 'Do I look like a military objective?'
C: What happened to your friend?
H: Somebody shot him. |
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sokool15
In the begining there was nothing and it exploded.
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| Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 3:23 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the great critiques, you lot! I love you all! I'll edit as soon as I ever can.
It's so nice to be back...or have I said that before?
~MademoiselleKool |
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"Gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at."
~Terry Pratchett, "Small Gods" |
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