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Gadi.
that was good ... for your age
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 Posted: Mon Dec 17, 2007 12:44 am Post subject: Ars Poetica |
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It is a vacant page in the beginning:
a kernel of my pen
yet to be born into a bitter and bare being.
But then, the valley turns to a vast gap of sand
and the tepid, ginger mountains quiver
in response to the stars’ flash in blue
and the snow-capped hills sigh
as in the breeze coiling through the initial snowfall
like a mug of tea in December.
O sing Muse! O sing! and the ink is scintillating
like the infant crooning hymns in the cradle,
a seed from the bottom of my palm dispersing into soil. |
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Last edited by Gadi. on Thu Jan 10, 2008 5:28 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Doctor Kitty
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| Posted: Mon Dec 17, 2007 5:59 am Post subject: |
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Great title and I'm loving the imagery. The progression is great, I must say. From a blank page to whatever you want; this speaks to every writer.
Can't come up with any negatives.
Ciao. |
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lysolstinks
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| Posted: Mon Dec 17, 2007 9:55 pm Post subject: |
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This started out very good, I felt the the first and the last stanza let us know you were talking about writing. The middle two were just discriptions that took me some where else. Seperate them and you have two great poems.
Together they dont fit. There was to much imagery and it loses the reader.
Carl |
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CK Lynn
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| Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 7:31 pm Post subject: |
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| I like it, but it ended with too much spirit and "could have been" feeling and not enough essence. |
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Acoustic Sensitivity
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| Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 12:24 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, your poem has good imagery. You really depicted the scene where a writer first starts out with a blank page then ends it with a creation. I especially love this line.
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It is, nonetheless, a vacant page in the beginning:
a pallid monotony, a kernel of my pen
yet to be born into a bitter and bare being. |
The image is so colorful. |
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Cade
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| Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 8:19 pm Post subject: |
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Imagery. See, cakes are very good. Delicious, in fact. But if you put too much frosting on a cake, it becomes bad very quickly. It might look good on the surface, all flowers and decorations, but nobody wants to eat something that's more icing than actual cake.
This is how I see this poem, in part because I'm hungry, in part because I think it's an accurate summary. The images alone are gorgeous...but put them all together and it's way too much to take in at once.
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But then, the valley turns to a vast gap of sand
and the tepid, ginger mountains quiver
in response to the stars’ flash in blue |
It starts out okay, but as you read the second and then the third line, there's just way too much going on! And not in a good way. Focus on one thing at a time and take it slower.
Diction. Cleaning up all the excess words will also help get the frosting level on this poem down to a reasonable level.
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It is, nonetheless, a vacant page in the beginning:
a pallid monotony, a kernel of my pen
yet to be born into a bitter and bare being. |
The first stanza was OK. I immediately cut "nonetheless" because it doesn't make sense at the beginning of the poem. You'd say "nonetheless" to contradict something said previously. But nothing was said previously here, and I can't find any good reason to defy logic in the first line here.
Cutting "a pallid monotony" was a harder decision to make. I felt as though something had to go, but I wasn't sure what it would be. "A pallid monotony" has a good sound, but it doesn't create a very good image. (And I liked "a kernel of my pen" so much better.  )
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But then, the valley turns to a vast gap of sand
and the tepid, ginger mountains quiver
in response to the stars’ flash in blue |
This stanza in general needs cleaning up...in fact, I'm not sure the stanza serves much of a purpose. But there's what you could get rid of.
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and the snowy-capped hills sigh
as in the breeze coiling through the initial snowfall
like a steaming mug of tea in December. |
"Steaming" is a word too often used with mug. Mugs of tea, especially in cold months like December, are often steaming, or at least hot, so the word is unnecessary--the image is already in my mind.
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O sing Muse! O sing! and the ink is scintillating
like the infant crooning hymns in the gentle cradle,
a seed from the bottom of my palm dispersing into soil. |
My favorite stanza. Best line: "the infact crooning hymns in the cradle." I cut gentle because I felt it didn't really add much, and besides, without it the line has much better rhythm.
I'm ambivalent about the word "scintillating". On one hand, it has an awesome sound and connotation. On the other hand, it might just be excessive and a simpler or shorter word would do.
-Colleen |
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Gadi.
that was good ... for your age
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| Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 11:37 pm Post subject: |
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| I made revisions! |
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smorgishborg
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| Posted: Sat May 24, 2008 1:13 am Post subject: Re: Ars Poetica |
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In my book, people who make revisions deserve critiques the most of all. I know my words are going to good use.
Judging by everyone else's reviews, it seems that you've toned this down quite a good deal. There were a couple parts that bothered me, but I had no problem with an imagery overload.
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It is a vacant page in the beginning:
a kernel of my pen
yet to be born into a bitter and bare being. |
Try: It's a vacant page in the beginning:
or
A vacant page in the beginning
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But then, the valley turns to a vast gap of sand
and the tepid, ginger mountains quiver
in response to the stars’ flash in blue |
I'd prefer a better segway from S1 to S2, they ought to relate better. I'd like another stanza here, let us plunge into the imagery, let us take a journey. I'd don't want to just switch gears so fast.
On a different note, I'm a sucker for "hot mug of ___" imagery. 'Twas my favorite part. |
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timjim77
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| Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 7:26 pm Post subject: |
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I like this. I'm glad you revised.
If you are willing to revise again, I think there are some minor changes to the texture of the poem that will enhance its beauty.
- The clash of the sound of 'initial' next to 'snowfall' jars the ear unnecessarily.
- I feel as if 'dispersing' in the last line is not the best word choice.
"But then, the valley turns to a vast gap of sand
and the tepid, ginger mountains quiver
in response to the stars’ flash in blue"
This stanza is beautiful. I would take out the comma in the first line. Also, the transition from 'quiver' to 'in response' is another slightly jarring one. Perhaps you could break the stanza into two sentences, or simply change the phrasing somewhat.
This is a really good piece. I always love Ars Poeticas, and you have managed a fine one. |
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