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This thread was created on April 10, 2005
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night dancer
Topic ID: 2334
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rachel eaw
Junior Writer
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Age: 16
Joined: 18 Mar 2005
Posts: 34
Reviews: 18
Country: scotland [rangers rule]
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 Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2005 8:55 pm Post subject: night dancer |
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So elegent and bright
She will fly all through the night
Like a swan she glides across the sky
With not a care and not a cry
As she glides through the night sky
As she fades so far away
Just the silence and nothing to say
The only mark she leaves behind
Is the words ,night dancer will be all we find |
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Lollipop
The shizney!
Novelist
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Joined: 14 Mar 2005
Posts: 442
Reviews: 263
Country: Scotland! 'Mon the Scots!
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2005 10:08 pm Post subject: |
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I like this. Good Job Rachel!  |
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niteowl
I Need a Better Custom Title
Epic Novelist
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Age: 18
Joined: 28 Nov 2004
Posts: 3983
Reviews: 391
Country: somewhere in America
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| Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2005 1:16 am Post subject: |
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Before I go ahead and start critiquing this, let me give you a gift :                      :xmas_wink: :xmas_happy: :xmas_cool: :xmas_evil: :dreidel: :menorah: :frosty: :thumb: =D> #-o =P~ :^o [-X [-o< 8-[ [-( :-k ](*,) :whistle: O =; :sick: {|= :-$ :-s \/ :-# :hearts_eyes: :love: :lots_hearts: 
| Quote: |
Like a swan she glides across the sky
With not a care and not a cry
As she glides through the night sky |
This is a fine example of forced rhyming and awful-sounding repetition. You could probably make this entire poem so much better if it was free verse. I hate rhyming with a burning passion. And the repetition of sky sounds clunky.
| Quote: |
| Is the words ,night dancer will be all we find. |
What's wrong with this line? a) there's an obvious misplaced comma (most likely just a typo), b) you go from present to future tense. c) "Is" doesn't make a whole lot of sense, or d)all of the above. If you answered d, you win...a rubber chicken! Ok seriously, fix those things. They absolutely ruin what could have been a good last line.
Other than that, the only thing keeping me from liking this poem is that is rhymes. Rhyming tends to ruin serious poetry about 99% of the time.
Keep writing! |
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Harley
awkward and innocent.
Speaker of the Forum
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Age: 16
Joined: 27 Jan 2005
Posts: 518
Reviews: 241
Country: scotland.
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| Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 9:02 pm Post subject: |
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| I agree with Tae, rhyming ruins serious poetry most of the time... She seems to have summed up everything. Practise is vital, it'll take a while before you get the hang of poetry. Keep on going. |
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| This thread was created on April 10, 2005 |
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