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A Broken Promise.
A Broken Promise.

by Kaylyn in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on December 14, 2007
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kinzygirl223   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2007 4:09 pm    Post subject: My story continued Reply with quote

I finally calmed down, and he let go me.

"Are you alright now?"

"No."

"I am so sorry." His eyes showed the worry they had had before.

"I'll make it through, I always do."

"Is there anything i can do for you?"

"Yes. Find me somewhere to live."

"Well I don't know if I can do anything about that."

"Where are your parents?"

"Out of town. Did I forget to tell you that?"

"Yea. Kind of"

"Oh. Sorry. Well they wont be back until next friday." I was completely silent. "Do you want breakfast?"

"Yea. Sure." He walked down the stairs and disappeared into a room. I thought I maybe should put some clothes on before breakfast. I went to his room to try and find my clothes. I searced through the pile for clothes. I couldn't find my clothes anywhere. I found a pair of Will's pants on the floor.

I decided that I would just wear his pants instead of looking for my own jeans. I slipped them on, they were very baggy. I looked at myself in the mirror. My long, curly brunette hair was messy. I found a brush on his dresser. After I finished brushing my hair I looked into the mirror again. I put my hands into the pockets of Will's jeans. I found a piece of paper folded. I pulled it out of the pocket. It was a note, to me. It read

Dear Caridee,

I know that you and I are only saposed to be friends. After tonight I couldn't stop thinking about you though. I have to let you know that i know we are ment to be together. I can feel it. I'm planning on breaking up with Sarah so we can make this work. You make me feel so good about my self. As if there's not a worry in the world. I really hope you feel the same way.

Love

WILLIAM

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BigBadBear   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2007 10:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awwh...that was very sweet. Wouldn't everyone like to find a note like that? Anyway, I'll do another big critique:

(remember to double space between each paragraph!)

Quote:
I finally calmed down, and he let go me.

"Are you alright now?"

"No."

"I am so sorry." His eyes showed the worry they had had before.

You don't need two hads in this sentence.

"I'll make it through, I always do."

"Is there anything i can do for you?"

Remember to capatize your I's!

"Yes. Find me somewhere to live."

"Well I don't know if I can do anything about that."

"Where are your parents?"

"Out of town. Did I forget to tell you that?"

"Yea. Kind of"

Yea = Yeah. And end "Kind of" with a period like this, "Kind of."

"Oh. Sorry. Well they wont be back until next friday." I was completely silent.

friday = Friday

"Do you want breakfast?"

"Yea. Sure." He walked down the stairs and disappeared into a room. I thought I maybe should put some clothes on before breakfast. I went to his room to try and find my clothes. I searced through the pile for clothes. I couldn't find my clothes anywhere. I found a pair of Will's pants on the floor.
I decided that I would just wear his pants instead of looking for my own jeans. I slipped them on, they were very baggy. I looked at myself in the mirror. My long, curly brunette hair was messy. I found a brush on his dresser. After I finished brushing my hair I looked into the mirror again. I put my hands into the pockets of Will's jeans. I found a piece of paper folded. I pulled it out of the pocket. It was a note, to me. It read

You use the word 'I' to begin most of the sentences in this paragraph. Try to find another word. It gets repititive. Even like this:

Bad ex: I walked down the stairs, quickly.

You could have it like this

Good ex: Quickly, I walked down the stairs.

You see the difference? It gets the same message across without starting every sentence with I.


Dear Caridee,

I know that you and I are only saposed to be friends. After tonight I couldn't stop thinking about you though. I have to let you know that i know we are ment to be together. I can feel it. I'm planning on breaking up with Sarah so we can make this work. You make me feel so good about my self. As if there's not a worry in the world. I really hope you feel the same way.
Love
WILLIAM

saposed = supposed and ment = meant.


Great job! This story is getting better. Even though it was a short chapter, it was good, nonetheless. Great job! I'll be looking for more!

BBB

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MidnightVampire   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 15, 2007 3:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Man, that is good. I can't write romance like that. Not even if I tried really hard, and I mean really, really hard. Uh, the previous person mentioned a lot of it, capitilize I's, spelling, the I paragraph. The sentence[quote] , that sounds a bit odd. I know you mentioned she had a shirt in all, but yeah, just make sure that is recently mentioned, though I'm sure you did recenly mention it. ( I hope that was good advice) Uh yeah, ( I use that word a lot) have fun. PM me when you type up the next part.
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MidnightVampire   View This User's Portfolio
Lauren did it!
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 15, 2007 3:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just realized my quote didn't work. The sentence was " Maybe I should get some clothes on before breakfast" Sorry If I confuzed anyone.
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kokobeans   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 5:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is very cute.

I think what lets you down a lot is that you constantly begin your sentences with 'I'.
Also, the beginning - vocal overdose. For a piece like this I think you should add more action or thought in between the lines of speech, otherwise you're speeding up the story too close to a soft moment.

Also, don't forget to make an extra line between paragraphs and speech, it'll really improve the appearance.

Great start, keep it up.
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This thread was created on December 14, 2007

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