Topic ID: 23224
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M.B.Author
Senior Writer
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Age: 13
Joined: 15 Apr 2007
Posts: 214
Reviews: 187
Country: At the Cullen's home playing with Rensemee
300 Points
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 Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 12:42 am Post subject: How Much I Hate You |
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I am that good of a poem writer! Crit welcome.
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The light pitter-patter,
Of the rain drumming on my head,
Hide my tears, like nothing the matter.
So long did I wait,
For you to come,
And rearrange my fate.
I wondered about you and I
Why we were separated
And why you lie.
Your treats are tricks
Disguised as humble gestures,
Just for kicks.
I once loved you,
I am now disgusted,
Now, I despise you.
I don’t care what you say,
I’m not even listening,
I don’t care if that’s not okay.
This is not about me, but you,
A never-ending poem,
On how much I hate you. |
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Listen to advice and except discipline so that you
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October Girl
We're gonna do this October style
Master of the Forum
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Joined: 23 Sep 2006
Posts: 1993
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Country: Where Love is Lost
3 Points
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:15 am Post subject: |
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Wow M.B.! I really like this poem... but I can't help but feel that you forced some of the rhyme I liked the last stanza alot! Maybe you could expand on why you hate them that much. A story perhaps? Where are you? Why can't you get them out of your head? I don't know just a thought. Good luck, as always-
Max |
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My name is Max
I am a 15 mother of Ben and Bailee...
CAUTION! Broken heart up ahead |
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Kim
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:17 am Post subject: |
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your feelings sure come out in this. i can tell you wrote while feeling them. that is good.
The light pitter-patter,
Of the rain drumming on my head,
Hide my tears, like nothing the matter. ( i would change this line, to Hide my tears, like nothing is wrong. like nothing the matter is fragmented and stops the flow.
other then that i can totally relate to this, the emotion is very strong.
kim |
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Lucky_Duck
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Country: La La Land
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:19 am Post subject: |
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Hey M.B. that was really good!(even if it was possibly written about me) Sorry i missed the time, i forgot I had a school concert to go to. Oops! See ya 'round!
--Lucky  |
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"If i could dream, it would be about you."- Edward Cullen
"This hostage stuff is fun"- Alice Cullen
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Rigel
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Country: Third star in Orion, and straight on at the speed of light for 800 years.
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 3:27 am Post subject: |
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This is bad English. I'm not talking about the poem yet, you understand. I'm talking about your use of the English language.
| Quote: |
The light pitter-patter,
Of the rain drumming on my head,
Hides my tears, like nothing's the matter.
I waited a long time (rhyme is no excuse for mixing up basic sentence structure)
For you to come
And rearrange (rearrange acts on multiple things) my fate.
I wondered about you and me
Why we were separated
And why you lied.
Your treats are tricks
Disguised as humble gestures,
Just for kicks.
I once loved you,
I am now disgusted,
Now, I despise you. (Each individual line in this says the same thing!)
I don’t care what you say,
I’m not even listening,
I don’t care if that’s not okay. (This is incredibly forced.)
This is not about me, but this is about you,
A never-ending poem,
On how much I hate you. |
Despite a nice opening stanza, your subject was bland, your rhymes were forced and you had no syllable scheme whatsoever. Read some other poetry and listen to some music if you want to rhyme, it will help. |
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abbisnail
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Country: Land of Eternal Light
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 9:13 pm Post subject: |
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i like the idea but the poem itself is so-so. there was a lot of forced rhyme and some parts were really repetitive. you might want to just go through and eliminate all the junk. i think that would make it a lot better.
best-
~abby~ |
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TheForgottenAuthor
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 9:58 pm Post subject: |
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You have a really good idea going! But I have to agree with Abbisnail.The problem is the:
a) structure
b) forced rhymes
c) not enough detail!
Sure, you've made it clear that you hate someone. Now tell us...WHY do you hate that "someone". You tell of how the person "lied", but what exactly did they lie about? This could use a lot more. But we can all definately tell that you are angry at someone! |
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lOvE aLwAyS,
Emalee |
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