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A Nothing World
A Nothing World

by SeleneForeverDream in Storybooks
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on December 12, 2007
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The Elements

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thunder_dude7   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 11:53 am    Post subject: The Elements Reply with quote

Author's Corner: If you didn't read the prolouge, you might want to read it, but it isn't completely nessesary. Thank you to everybody who helped me with it. Here is Chapter 1.

***

Chapter 1-The Forest of Champions

A long line of young teenagers were standing, not daring to make even a slight movement. Liat was stiff in fear of the man who was pacing along the line. He was quite muscular, striking fear into all of the teenager’s hearts.

“Welcome” The man said “to the first portion of our tournament. This test is designed to narrow down our number of contestants so we can organize the tournament in a more orderly fashion. The test is simple. Just enter the forest. Do whatever you wish today, tomorrow, and the day after that. The first 96 people to get out the following day will enter the tournament. Understood?”

Liat shivered. Even though the man was at the other end of the line, he could hear his voice quite clearly. His fighting pole hung loosely from his belt. Tor stood next to him.

“Go!” The man yelled. The contestants sped forward into the forest. Liat glanced back as the doors were closed behind him. Some people were crouching behind bushes near the doors, ready to speed out once the doors were opened. But three days would kill them if they didn’t get water, and the contestants were only allowed to bring one weapon into the challenge.

“Liat!” Tor said “There you are! We’d better find water, like we planned!”

“Yea,” He replied, smiling slightly at his twin’s enthusiasm “Let’s see…”

As Liat’s voice quieted, a tiny electric purge exited his body. He sensed its motion, waiting for it to speed up should it hit water.

“That way,” He said, pointing to their right. Liat’s electrical abilities would make this challenge easier. Sure, everybody on the planet had some power, of which plenty had electricity, but he should be able to win any battle that occurred with Tor’s help. Tor summoned a light tailwind that would slightly quicken their pace.

Unfortunately, survival skills wouldn’t be enough to complete this challenge. Some people would likely kill to ensure their own spot in the tournament, so they would need to fight them off, likely even having to kill the opponent. That wasn’t something Liat wanted to resort to, but it would be necessary if nothing else would stop the attack. But one of the people who would kill just to make it to the tournament was standing before them. Tor pulled Liat up on top of a branch, where they could watch what was happening without being spotted. There was a girl glaring at two others. She had tied them up with vines and was about to hurl them into a large pit she had created.

“An earth elemental,” Tor said, observing the scene carefully.

“Look at this,” The girl said, looking from one of the girls she held captive to the other. “Sisters! Likely twins! Not identical, though, you look to different to be identical…Anyway, you two are both in my way of winning this tournament. And now you will die.”

Liat couldn’t watch this happen, so he turned to Tor.

“Fling me at them. I’m going to save them,” He said, glaring at the girl.

“You’re insane,” Tor said, summoning energy. “but fine.”

Liat was levitated in the air, then flung at the tied up girls as he pulled out his pole. He grabbed both, then kicked the vines connecting them to the ground loose. One of them froze the vines around her, and then destroyed them. She did the same to free her sister.

“Let’s go, Cerulea!” She said, charging at the attacker. She thrust out her palm, freezing her. But the girl wouldn’t go down that easily, and broke out. Cerulea charged forward, summoning an intense blast of water. As the water blasted the attacker back, the other girl froze it. The ice was too thick, and the girl stood there, motionless.

“Thanks,” Cerulea said, holding out her hand. Tor jumped down from the tree.

“Nice one, Liat.” He said “I’m Tor. Nice to meet you two.”

“I’m Crystal.” The ice elemental said “And this is my sister, Cerulea.”

“As he said,” Liat replied, gesturing at Tor “I’m Liat. This is my twin, Tor.”

“Weird.” Cerulea said “We’re both twins, but not identical.”

“Want to come along with us?” Tor proposed “That way, we all have a higher chance of making it.”

“Sure!” Crystal said “Which way should we go?”

Liat gestured in the direction of the water. The four 13 year olds began to walk through the dense overgrowth. This was a clear sign of nearby water, as a large supply, like a river, would make way for an abundance of plant life. Sure enough, within the next five minutes, they were standing by the Nucleo River. This river ran through the center of Termasse, the island on which fire and earth elementals lived. Wind and Thunder elementals lived in Nuvalose, where all the buildings were on top of clouds. Water and Ice elementals, like Cerulea and Crystal, lived in the Ghiac Lake. Liat bounded at the lake, exited to fill up his canteen. But his hopes dropped when he saw that the water was a disgusting shade of green.

“The water must have gone through some sort of filter before entering here. The water from the Incolto must have been mixed with this water.” Crystal said.

“Why our planet has to be mostly wasteland I have no idea.” Cerulea said “I wish that people could live on the Incolto.”

“That would be nice, but now only plants can,” Liat replied, looking intently past the river. “We’ll have to look for fresh water. Let’s cross the river and keep going.”

Crystal showed her worth to the rest of the group by freezing some of the river. This allowed for a temporary path across the river. The group carefully began to slide on the bridge. But Crystal forgot one thing. The bridge she made had very thin ice. This was very bad for Tor, who was the unlucky last person in the line of people crossing the river. The bridge gave way, sending the stunned Tor plunging into the acid. Liat promptly ran over to his side.

“Grab my arm!” He yelled.

“I can’t reach you!” Tor said, struggling to keep his head above the surface of the water.

“Grab the pole!” Liat screamed, reaching out for him. But the pole was too well sanded, and Tor’s hand slipped off when Liat began to pull.

“Keep him calm!” Liat ordered Cerulea and Crystal as he sped the rest of the way across the river. He soon ran back, holding a long branch in his hand.

“Grab this!” He yelled, extending the branch at Tor. The stick had many tiny extensions, allowing Tor to take better hold. Gasping for air, Tor slid onto the bridge.

“Are you alright?” Cerulea said, eyes widened.

“Yea…” He replied softly “I’m fine.” Liat immediately enlisted the help of Cerulea and Crystal in pulling Tor onto dry land. Pretty soon, Tor’s breathing was back to normal.

“Let’s keep moving,” Liat said, directing the group onward. But this wouldn’t happen just yet.

A towering beast burst out of the acid, roaring at the group. Liat shielded the group quickly in a field of energy that repelled the acid. He looked up at the creature. It was a giant serpent. But instead of a snake’s head, this serpent had the body of a woman, holding two scimitars. The snake extension had many tentacles attached to it, of which three were holding people, one girl ad two boys. One of them seemed younger them the others, while the older two were both about the group’s age.

The beast hissed, and then spat out “Ah! More food for my children! It must be another tournament!”

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 2:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi thunder_dude! I like this piece, the main thing that bugs me is that it is a bit long, maybe you could shorten this post up?

Quote:
The four 13 year olds
Why are they all thirteen? It says in the beginning that they are young teens, but that could be thirteen and fourteen.


Quote:
“Why our planet has to be mostly wasteland I have no idea.”
maybe change it too something like: "Why our planet has to be mostly wasteland? I have no idea." OR “Why our planet has to be mostly wasteland, I have no idea.”


Quote:
Tor slid onto the bridge.
Didn't the bridge give away?


That is all! I hope this helps, and I think you have a good potential with this piece!


Very Happy Good luck! Very Happy


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 8:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

1-Well, they all are 13, though the entire group of competitors may include some older people. These 4 particular people are all 13.

PS The prolouge also gives a reason why they are all 13

2-My bad, I forgot the comma in that sentence. I'll edit it now.

3-Whoops...That was a stupid mistake on my part. I'll edit that too.


Last edited by thunder_dude7 on Tue Jan 01, 2008 2:50 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 8:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

dude that was awsome!!!!!!!!!! I could really see where they were!i give it a 5 out of 5!

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 10:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Woah...Thanks. I'd better get started on the next chapter soon!
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 30, 2007 7:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

spectacular! I would just like to hear some more of the thoughts going through tor and liat's heads. Otherwise you are amazing.

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 3:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i agree with all your reveiws thoygh you should let us hear whats going on in tor and liacs had!
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 6:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

very nice peice of art here, can't wait for other peices from you, keep writing, i only say some grammar issues, but i expect you see them too. Very Happy good work.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 7:03 pm    Post subject: Re: The Elements Reply with quote

Hey. this is the first time i've ever read anything of yours.

This story is really good. there are just a few things that bothered me.

thunder_dude7 wrote:
He was quite muscular, striking fear into all of the teenager’s hearts.


instead of saying this, you could say something like, "the large man intimidated all the teens, especially Liat. They all stood still and obeyed in fear of punishment or threat from this powerful looking man pacing before them.

thunder_dude7 wrote:
His fighting pole hung loosely from his belt. Tor stood next to him.


This part was a bit unclear about Tor. I had thought at first that Tor was standing next to the large man instead of Liat.

thunder_dude7 wrote:
Liat bounded at the lake, exited to fill up his canteen. But his hopes dropped when he saw that the water was a disgusting shade of green.


Shouldn't it be excited and not exited? And one more question. How can the plants survive off of acid water?

thunder_dude7 wrote:
“Yea…” He replied softly “I’m fine.” Liat immediately enlisted the help of Cerulea and Crystal in pulling Tor onto dry land. Pretty soon, Tor’s breathing was back to normal.


If Tor was plunged into acid water, shouldn't he be burnt??


Well thats about it. I like it and if you write more i'll try to crtique it. Keep going. Sounds like a fun adventure that youre unwravelling.

chayonz

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 8:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Description description description! That's my advice to almost every young writer. Although, you did a pretty good job with that. So I'll agree with rimewind and say - give us some ideas of what the characters are thinking and feeling and planning. Who are they? Ultimately, you can have the coolest storyline in the world but if we don't care about your characters, we just won't care. So know them! Be best friends with them! What's Liat's favorite color? Is he always so impulsive? What would he do if faced with a giant blood-sucking spider? What are some of his faults? Is he good at math?

Know EVERYTHING about them!
Anyway, great start. I'm a sucker for elemental-type stories. Very Happy It would just be so cool to fling fire and ice at people...

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 3:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

dude that story was awesome the only thing i could find wrong with it was that you could describe the teens a little more WRITE A SECOND PART!!! Rolling Eyes Very Happy
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 7:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

First things first, I like the story, and I think you've got a good thing going here.
With that said, I have to tell you that you've got some work to do. You almost never described what the Liat was thinking. Things also happened with bad transitions. For example:
Quote:

Unfortunately, survival skills wouldn’t be enough to complete this challenge. Some people would likely kill to ensure their own spot in the tournament, so they would need to fight them off, likely even having to kill the opponent. That wasn’t something Liat wanted to resort to, but it would be necessary if nothing else would stop the attack. But one of the people who would kill just to make it to the tournament was standing before them.

This is what I mean by bad transition. It happened too randomly for me to notice it, so I had to read back to catch it. You should reword that last sentence and put it into a new paragraph. You do this with most of the things that happen all of a sudden in this story.

I also found a few flaws in logic. For example, you know the two sisters that control ice and water? Why are they all searching for water to drink when that one chick could just conjure some up?

That's all I have to say. You're still doing pretty good, but you still have to revise.
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 8:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Looks up at Kaliber and lols. Grammar issues? What about your spelling ones?

It was a point though, the grammar is not too bad, but would need a little polishing up. However, not even kids speak perfectly, or exactly what is in their heads. I don't understand my own thoughts unless I am thinking my voice in my head.
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