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M.B.Author
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 Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 1:15 am Post subject: Dear Vivian |
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This is my play. My friend kinda helped me do this. This is my first play I have ever written. This is scene one. Crit welcome!
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Dear Vivian
CAST OF CHARACTERS
VIVIAN CADY: A 14 year old girl that has lived in 17 us states, the UK, France, Spain, and Poland.
LAURA CADY: Vivian’s struggling mother.
GRANDMA LANDON: Vivian’s regretful grandma.
GRANDPA LANDON: Vivian’s grandpa.
PLACE and TIME
A coffee shop in America
(Vivian and Laura walk in to the coffee shop)
Vivian:
“Mom, I am so glad we came to this coffee shop!”
(Both girls sit at a table.)
Laura:
“Yeah, we needed a break from unpacking”
(Vivian nods and smiles at her mom)
Vivian:
“Yeah.”
(Laura stands up)
Laura:
“Want anything Viv?”
(Vivian glares at Laura)
Vivian:
“Mom, you know I don‘t like to be called Viv, it‘s Vivian!”
(Laura nods and gets in line)
(Laura comes back with two donuts)
(Laura sat down next to Vivian)
(She put the two donuts on the table.)
Vivian:
“Mom, aren’t you glad you got relocated.”
(Laura smiles and began to eat her donut.)
Vivian:
“I hope your job will last long. It seems like you always get fired.”
(Laura opened her moth to protest. Closed it and smiled.)
Laura:
“I hope so too. And now that we live in NYC, and I have a very good job. I mean it pays good, and let us afforded that great new apartment!”
(They smiled at each other and hugged.)
Laura:
“Hey, Viv, I mean Vivian, I have to run some errands.”
Vivian:
“Do I have to come with you?”
(Vivian looked at Laura with pleading eyes)
Vivian:
“I really want to stay! I haven‘t finished my donut.”
(Laura smiles and laughs)
Laura:
“Fine, but, stay here and when you want to come home, please tell me at least that you are leaving, okay?”
Vivian (roles her eyes):
“Yes mom.”
(Laura laughs, Vivian smiles really big and hugs here mom) |
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Lucky_Duck
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| Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 1:55 am Post subject: |
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That was really good. So far I'm kinda interested yet sort of bored, nothing has happened yet. Anyway PM me I'm on. See ya soon!
--Lucky |
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M.B.Author
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| Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 2:10 am Post subject: |
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Okay, just to let everyone know. This is a script. So it is supposed to be written like this (I know that because of my teacher).
So enjoy!
-- M.B.Autor |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 2:49 am Post subject: |
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You might want to change your style, it's set up a bit strange:
| Quote: |
(Laura stands up)
Laura:
“Want anything Viv?”
(Vivian glares at Laura)
Vivian:
“Mom, you know I don‘t like to be called Viv, it‘s Vivian!” |
A better way to do the script set up is like this:
LAURA: (stands) Want anything Viv?
VIVIAN: (glares at LAURA) Mom, you know I do't like to be called viv, it's Vivian!
Names for dialogue should always be in caps, and your stage directions should be as short and to the point as possible. Also, you don't need quotations.
You may want to rethink this. The first scene has no conflict, nothing happens, they just go to a coffee shop and talk... In plays, the story is heavily focus on the characters, their dialogue, and interactions. For a first scene, too, it's really short, but an even bigger deal is that nothing happened. If you haven't, I highly suggest you read some plays. That is the best way to learn how to do it. Not to promote myself, but I've written a play called Flowers for the Wake which might help you understand what you are going for. I only suggest it to you, because the play was good enough to be produced by my high school. You could also read Oscar Wilde, Henrik Ibsen, and some others... I can't really recall any others. Death of a Salesman, though I can't remember who it is by. Reading scripts is the best way to learn how to write them.
Scripts are kind of hard. You have to be really good at dialogue do do it. Try thinking of a conflict for your story, so something can actually happen.
Good luck! |
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chocoholic
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Rigel
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| Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 8:45 pm Post subject: |
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There is nothing here. You have given us two hollow husks of characters and some heavy-handed exposition and you ask us to critique them. Generally speaking, you don't post a poem one stanza at a time and you don't post a story one paragraph at a time, so why post a play one scene at a time? Until you add the plot and the other two characters, the best thing I can do is give you advice on your dialogue. Make it seem more natural. Don't have the mother just bring up where they've moved to, have the daughter ask her a question relating to the house and have it come out gradually.
In the same vein, you don't need to give stage directions about facial expressions. Emotion should be implicit in your dialogue unless there's some special reason why the character is acting strangely.
You also have the daughter go up and get doughnuts. Why does the audience need to watch her get doughnuts? Rewrite it so that they already have their food when the scene starts.
And of course, all of this is without mentioning your grammatical errors.
| Quote: |
I mean it pays good, and let us afforded that great new apartment!”
(They smiled at each other and hugged.) |
Stay in the present tense, please.
By the way,
| Quote: |
| Death of a Salesman, though I can't remember who it is by. |
Arthur Miller |
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smorgishborg
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 12:45 am Post subject: |
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It kinda bugs me to be critiquing a couple lines of dialogue, because there is no perspective. You won't get any decent advice from anything anybody says on here, because it has no context. For example, consider the following;
JEAN: Oh a rhinoceros!
WAITRESS: Oh a rhinoceros!
GROCER'S WIFE: Oh a rhinoceros! [to her husband] Quick come and look; a rhinoceros!
Without the context, this snippet of dialouge from Eugene Ionesco's "Rhinoceros" makes no sense. (And no, I'm not going to tell you what it all means, go read the play, it's really good.)
Now, lets consider what you have written. Click the spoiler for the critique.
Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)
Dear Vivian
CAST OF CHARACTERS
VIVIAN CADY: A 14 year old girl that has lived in 17 us states, the UK, France, Spain, and Poland.
LAURA CADY: Vivian’s struggling mother.
GRANDMA LANDON: Vivian’s regretful grandma. You're gonna want to differenciate between the two character's names. Call 'em "Ma or Pa"
GRANDPA LANDON: Vivian’s grandpa.
PLACE and TIME
A coffee shop in America Is this honestly the best discription you can give me?
(Vivian and Laura walk in to the coffee shop)
Vivian:
“Mom, I am Contractions make the dialouge sound real. "I'm" so glad we came to this coffee shop!”
(Both girls Women sit at a table.)
Laura:
“Yeah, we needed a break from unpacking”
(Vivian nods and smiles at her mom) Who else would she be smilling at? Cut down the stage directions.
Vivian:
“Yeah.” And another thing. No need for quotation marks in a script.
(Laura stands up) How does she stand up? Remember this is going to be acted. How about... (Laura stands to go order)
Laura:
“Want anything Viv?”
(Vivian glares at Laura)
Vivian:
“Mom, you know I don‘t like to be called Viv, it‘s Vivian!”
(Laura nods and gets in line) You've got really awful dead space here. I don't know what the audience is supposed to be doing while this occurs, but theywon't be paying attention to your play.
(Laura comes back with two donuts)
(Laura satsits down next to Vivian)
(She put the two donuts on the table.) Instead: (Vivian sits down and puts the donuts on the table.
Vivian:
“Mom, aren’t you glad you got relocated.?”
(Laura smiles and began begins to eat her donut.)
Vivian:
“I hope your job will last long. It seems like you always get fired.” If I'm the mom, I slap my daughter right now. Why does this need to be so bluntly stated? Revise.
(Laura opened her moth mouth to protest. Closed it and smiled.) (She closes it and smiles wearily.)
Laura:
“I hope so too. And now that we live in NYC, and I have a very good job. I mean it pays good well, and let us afforded now we can afford that great new apartment!” Fix the tenses!
(They smiled at each other and hugged hug.)
Laura:
“Hey, Viv- I mean Vivian, I have to run some errands.”
Vivian:
“Do I have to come with you?”
(Vivian looked looks at Laura with pleading eyes)
Vivian:
“I really want to stay! I haven‘t finished my donut.” Finish it in the car!
(Laura smiles and laughs)
Laura:
“Fine, but, stay here and when you want to come home, please tell me at least that you are leaving, okay?”
Vivian (roles rolls her eyes):
“Yes mom.”
(Laura laughs, Vivian smiles really big and hugs here her mom)
Quick question; Is English your first language? PM me.
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Rigel
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 3:16 am Post subject: |
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| I agree with everything smorgishborg said. |
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