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Silvery Whispers - Part One
Silvery Whispers - Part One

by Inksplatter in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on December 10, 2007
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The Red Road Home
The Red Road Home [Part I]

The Red Road Home [Prologue]

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Lancrist   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 8:37 am    Post subject: The Red Road Home [Prologue] Reply with quote

The Red Road Home

Prologue

Doors that had remained sealed for decades were heaved open. Etched against the burning white daylight stood the silhouette of a man.

Before him light banished darkness like the cure for a disease, revealing a double-row of pillars in a wide, tiled chamber, dominated by a looming black altar.

Above the altar hung a corpse.

The decayed husk was tethered to the rafters by a noose, its head cocked at a grotesque angle. The garments had rotted to leave nothing more but an emaciated, maggot-white sack of bones; a grim after-image of life. Worst of all was the face, where in a feat of horror the eyes were perfectly intact, and stared with an intensity that was withering. These were the remains of one of the world's last great sorcerers.

Through the doors strode the silhouette. He was tall, his stride confident; a man whose every gesture suggested he was the master of his environment. He approached the corpse torn between both fascination and disgust, but chose out of prudence not to disturb it. For a moment he stared, as if to clarify some mystery, and then made an impatient search of the chamber, looking among the pillars and beneath the obscene tapestries that lined the walls. The room was barren and he found nothing.

“Another hollow myth,” he spat, returning to the altar and peering up at the cadaver. “This man is long dead.” He moved toward the door.

“I am not dead,” whispered a gravelly voice, “but nor am I alive.”

The man froze where he stood but did not turn. The words had been on the very edge of hearing--he was not sure whether or not he had truly heard them. Yet he felt suddenly cold. Dead men do not speak, he told himself.

"You know less than you think," chuckled the same low voice.

He whirled. The corpse still hung limp land motionless, but now the black-gummed mouth was open where previously it had been closed.

The man gathered his composure, cursing himself for his fright. Had he grown soft? He had witnessed darker and more horrible things than this. But this perversion of the laws of life and death still troubled him.

“Yes,” the corpse replied, the word little more than a hiss. “And you are Valoc Oreon, a man trapped in an alien world."

Valoc Oreon managed to ignore the petty sorcery. He had encountered it before. Yet Unundu's repertoire of the arcane clearly extended beyond such simple tricks.

"Your craft is famed. I have heard tales of your capacity for both nightmares and miracles. Tell me--are you able to open a gateway to another universe?" asked Valoc. It was a concept that he and his ilk considered heretical, and a part of him cried out in dismay, as if he were falling from grace; as if by contradicting the ideals of his old life he was driving it away forever. But his inner turmoil was quickly forgotten with the sudden eruption of Unundu's laughter, an unnatural rasp so dry and harsh it hardly seemed laughter at all, but with such gusto that his limp body rocked grotesquely back and forth.

"I understand," Unundu said with mockingly transparent compassion. "In your plight you sought Unundu the Charitable, acclaimed for his generosity!" Another burst of nauseating laughter struck, and when this subsided the sorcerer regarded Valoc with a rotten, taunting grin. “I am curious, traveler: in your strange, faraway land, do blacksmiths forge swords for pauper knights? Do harlots, Valoc Oreon, spread their legs for stinking, undesirable men out of the kindness of their hearts? Is that the utopia you hail from?"

Valoc endured Unundu’s baleful tirade with calm patience, silent all the while; he was little troubled by the warlock’s venom. Words were of little concern to a man who traded in steel and blood.

“You've made your point. What do you want in return?” he asked.

A foul grin twisted Unundu's face.

The Red Road Home: Part I

***

This is a revision of something I posted a few weeks ago, and have only just had time to work on. The rest ought to come more quickly.



Last edited by Lancrist on Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:09 am; edited 15 times in total
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 11, 2007 8:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
He was tall, lithe and confident, a man whose every gesture suggested he was the master of his environment.


That bit is an info dump and I think you can actually show that.

Quote:
“Another hollow myth,” he spat, returning to the altar and peering up at the cadaver. “This man is long dead.”

“I am not dead,” whispered a gravelly voice, “but nor am I alive.”

A brief hesitation betrayed the man's consternation. "You are Unundu?" he said.


This is a myth right, yet there isn't really much suspense in this. I think you can elaborate on "A brief hesitation betrayed the man's consternation more."

Impressions:

Well the strong point of this piece was the descriptions. Simply craffted and creates a picture in the mind of the reader. The way it was worded also makes the prose quite fludic.

There needs to be more explaination as to what is happening in the prologue. A base needs to be established as to what is happening. I felt quite lost reading this. You had all these fancy names and places that I really don't see the point to it. Explainations must be established so there is a reasons as to why we should care.

Main character was quite blande in my opinion. His reaction to the myth was shallow and rather unrealistic. First of all, what was his personal reason as to why he is entering the tomb? How does he react when the corpse talks and hence fulfils the legend? How is this related to his personality? What movements could he had shown to show this emotion? A lot of questions were unanswered in this prologue.

Likewise, the corpse was quite an awkward and weak character. He is a myth after all and yet, we get shallow as emotions from him and a lack of sense and purpose. Even supernatural creatures have feelings too. This was not expanded on, making the piece feel black and white. I had this depressing feeling hunched over me as I was reading this.

And lastly, dialogue was rather corny. You seem to just jump into the dialogue without the proper set up. Also, the dialogue doesn't even make much sense to someone that just came freshly into your story. There isn't much thought put into the dialogue. It is just all about "you, you, you etc. It sounds rather selfish and does little to consider the society and other characters and the readers. Unundu needs to be portrayed as a more dominating character if he is suppose to ask questions of such power and intensity.

P.S: Thanks for correcting my mistake on chat. Still, you need to explain things more as to who is who and what is happening.

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 12:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Holy cow! Seriously, that was the best prologue I have even read; considering that I have read many prologues on this site. Let's get through the very un-numerous mistakes that I found. heh...that didn't make much sense.

Quote:
Is that the utopia you hail from?"


utopia, I believe should be capitalized. It is, after all, a place.
Quote:

where in a feat of horror the eyes were perfectly in tact


in tact is one word. intact.

Well done! I have to pat you on the back; this was an amazing prologue. From the very beginning you gripped me and pulled me into the story. Kudos on that! Some of the names were strange to me, but that's because I usually don't read fantasy. They are very creative, don't get me wrong.

The conversations were a little hard to believe. But of course, this is fantasy, so I suppose that this is the way that they talk. If they don't talk all formal and proper, then you might want to go back and fix that, but I doubt that they do.

Well, this was very good and intriguing. I am now off to read the second part!


BBB

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 5:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bravo.

I liked this. Your first few paragraphs are gripping, both with style and content. (I love short paragraphs Very Happy)

However, I agree with Squallz that your protagonist is bland and dry, like a cracker. He walks right up to this corpse guy and starts talking amiably, like, "Oh, hello Mr. Dead Person, how are you today?" Even if this is a fantasy world, I think there should be more suspense. Valoc should maybe trip, fumble for worlds, or basically show some reaction of surprise. This is, after all, a talking corpse.

Valoc is searching for the gates to another universe, right? I think you should emphasize that, because you only mention it in one sentence. Also, why does he want this? What's in it for him? And why does Unundu care?

One more thing. The whole "if you retrieve this you will get what you desire" theme is a little overdone. There's nothing suspenseful in this. It makes it seem like an old-fashioned fairy tale.

Sorry for the harshness. Don't get me wrong--this is really good! You definitely have a way with words.

Oh, and sorry for not responding to the critique exchange right away. Will you crit one of my things now?

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