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Gwenevire
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 Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 2:53 am Post subject: Vengeance Is Beautiful - Prologue |
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The frosty night air was laden with the metallic scent of spilt blood. Sudden screams and shrieks of pain split the silence, sending shivers of anger down the spine of a tall muscular woman that knelt in the shadow of the trees. Her dark eyes sizzled with fury, in striking contrast to the paleness of her skin. With sudden grace she leaped forwards. She slunk like a shadow across the fields until she reached a large cliff. Moonlight shimmered in her smooth blood red tresses as she leaned up against a small tree. The dark silhouette of a man was knelt over the crumpled figure of small girl. He held a sword to her neck and was slowly cutting into her skin. She screeched and wriggled in pain but with no luck, she remained on the edge of her life. Each second brought her closer to her demise.
The woman stepped out of the shadows, drawing her lips back to reveal rather sharp teeth in a savage snarl.
"Stop!" She bellowed.
The dark figure turned to her. He was wearing a large black hat which shadowed his face, but as he lifted his head, a mocking smile spread over his wrinkled features.
"Here to save your friend?" He snickered, "Not tonight!" His smile grew, his eyes lit up with a gloomy yellow and with a single swift movement of his arm he slit the girls neck. Blood spattered in every direction; the girl screeched before falling to the ground dead...
The woman let a menacing growl pass her lips before springing forwards. With lightening quick movements she unsheathed a long sword from her belt and brought it violently down on the man below her. He raised his word above him in defence and was gone.
The woman landed on the ground. A large gash in her leg oozed scarlet blood. She took no notice to this but rose to her feet once more. Before she could even take a moment to think a sword slid across her neck and pushed frighteningly close to her skin. She held her breath as the man grabbed her hair and slowly pulled her head back.
"You think you can beat me?" He snapped "Foolish child."
Without warning she elbowed him in the gut. He stumbled backwards, releasing her from his grasp.
She spun around and jabbed him in the arm. He yelped in pain and dropped his sword. He brought his hand up to his shoulder and snarled.
"How dare you..." He breathed.
The girl smiled devilishly, "You killed my girl... You deserve it bastard!" she smirked.
She was so busy insulting him that she did not notice that he was muttering something in an odd language. He outstretched his arms and two wolves leaped off his fingertips. Their fur seemed to be made from the winds. They kicked up frosty bits of snow and charged towards her.
She screamed in horror and it all went dark. |
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Last edited by Gwenevire on Tue Dec 11, 2007 1:10 am; edited 6 times in total |
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Gwenevire
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| Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 3:27 am Post subject: |
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Thank you for the help 
I will be sure to do that!
Thanks |
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Insomnia
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| Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 3:31 am Post subject: |
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Hey.  One of the only copmplaints I have to make is about the length. It isn't really long enough for us to get any real feel for the characters and what they're doing, so you might want to add the next few parts into this piece directly, if they are all of this length.
It's an intriguing beginning, but one that's been overdone. I've seen a lot of its type before, but if the good consistency of your description keeps up, that might be enough to make it stand out more from the others.
The one sentance I had a problem with was this one:
Sudden screams and shrieks of pain split the silence sending shivers of anger down the spine of a tall muscular girl that knelt in the trees.
It seemed a bit of a run on, and a bit too much for one breath! You can fix that by adding commas or full stops in the appropriate places.
Right, that's all I found. Good job with this, and PM me if you want a crit for the next part.
-Mat |
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Gwenevire
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| Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 3:35 am Post subject: |
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Thanks!
I get what you mean about run on. I felt that when I was righting it. But I guess I could add a few commas or periods in there.
I will try to remember to PM you all as soon as I get the next bit dun. I just didn't have the time to continue tonight. If I forget I am sorry.
I will have more on by tomorrow at the latest! XD |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 7:05 pm Post subject: Re: Vengeance Is Beautiful |
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Ooohhh. I liked this.
However, it really is short. I would suggest saving it as a draft until you have a decent length, but maybe that's just me.
Anyways. I like the action, but remember:
Wisdom begins with Wonder.
 I could say the same thing for your work in that you added too much description. I'm not saying this out of spite or revenge for what you've said about my work, just in case you were thinking that.  There were just some sentences that were purple:
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Her blood red hair was draped over her pale face and a small gleam of fury sizzled in her dark eyes.
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Ok, so: In that one sentence you're telling us that her hair is blood red, her face is pale and her eyes are dark. I think that's a bit too much to put into one phrase...so maybe you should space it out and include more description as the story moves along. For example:
Her dark eyes sizzled with fury, in striking contrast to the paleness of her skin.
And then later say:
With sudden grace she leaped forwards. She slunk like a shadow across the fields until she reached a large cliff. Moonlight shimmered in her smooth blood red tresses as she [insert action thing here].
But anyways, this was really good. Spread out your description a bit though, and maybe take out some of it.
However, the ideas were really cool and I can
t wait to read more!
Narf,
Ayra |
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Gwenevire
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| Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 7:58 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you so much Ayra! I will be sure to do that as soon as I get a sec XD
I know this is out of the topic but aren't we getting together today or something?
(Call me) |
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| Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 4:37 am Post subject: |
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Yay! More! Well... let's see...
I still think there could be more. I'm a little confused as to what's going on, but I think I'm getting it. You need to double-space it, you don't always do that and it makes reading it quite difficult sometimes.
Your descriptions are nice, and I think the woman in the story is a were-wolf. Is that right? She seems very were-wolf-ish.
I didn't understand the last bit, with the two wolfs jumping out of the man's fingers, but it's fantasy, so I guess anything can happen.
Nothing to complain about then, just want more. |
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Gwenevire
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| Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 4:46 am Post subject: |
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Thanks!
What is confusing you? I tried to make the Woman and the Girl different so it was easier to read.
Double space? Whey?
No I don't know what she is yet. We will see
Well the man in an evil mage or something like that. (I have not quite developed the characters yet) So he can summon beats and things.
More... All in due time... all in due time. |
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roxythekiller
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| Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 6:32 am Post subject: Re: Vengeance Is Beautiful |
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| Gwenevire wrote: |
| She screeched and wriggled in pain but with no luck, she remained on the edge of her life. Each second brought her closer to her demise. |
Your descriptive passage was really well written. You've got mad skills
Though 'writhed' would have worked better, since wriggled is a funny-sounding word. I think it ruins the mood.
| Gwenevire wrote: |
| The woman landed on the ground. A large gash in her leg oozed scarlet blood. |
This scene got my heart racing. But describing blood as scarlet feels weirdly out of place. It would help to decribe the smell of it, because you described the people in animalistic terms (that would work the scene into a hunter-prey complex.)
| Gwenevire wrote: |
She was so busy insulting him that she did not notice that he was muttering something in an odd language. He outstretched his arms and two wolves leaped off his fingertips. Their fur seemed to be made from the winds. They kicked up frosty bits of snow and charged towards her.
She screamed in horror and it all went dark. |
The man is going to give me nightmares, I just know it! I like how feisty your character is. It would help to describe what the man was doing rather than what the character didn't notice. Like this:
He turned away, a scowl darkening his [insert adjective] features. The girl's taunting cries rang through the cold night air like furious howls and yelps, an unnatural discord. When he had heard enough, he raised his hands to the heavens, whipping wolves from the winds.
^ this is obviously just a thrown-together paragraph, but I think quickly changing the point of view in this way furthers your story. It's very well-written and fast-paced. I can't wait to read more! PM me when you do ^^ |
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Gwenevire
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| Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 6:47 am Post subject: |
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Thank you!
I will be sure to do that! |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 10:23 pm Post subject: Re: Vengeance Is Beautiful |
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The woman stepped out of the shadows her red lips where drawn back revealing rather sharp teeth in a savage snarl.
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Maybe it's just a matter of personal opinion, but I don't think that sentence is grammatically sound. I would suggest changing it to:
The woman stepped out of the shadows, drawing her lips back to reveal rather sharp teeth in a savage snarl.
I got rid of the 'red lips' because everyone knows that lips are red. If her lips were purple or something, it would be worth mentioning, but they're not, so its not. You know?
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"Stop!" She breathed.
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'Breathed' sounds odd coming after her savage snarl. I've also noticed that you she 'she breathed' a lot in your writing. Not in this piece, but in others I've read. I mean, first she's all macho and then she's breathing softly all the time.  Weird.
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The dark figure tuned to her. A wrinkled face of an old man was hidden beneath a large black hat and a mocking smile spread across his face.
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'Tuned'? Typo or something...did you mean to say 'turned'?
Also, the second sentence kind of runs on a bit. I think you should try:
He was wearing a large black hat which shadowed his face, but as he lifted his head, a mocking smile spread over his wrinkled features.
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Blood spattered in every direction the girl screeched before falling to the ground dead...
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I think you should add an 'and' after 'direction'.
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Without warning she elbowed him in the gut. He stumbled backwards thus releasing her from his grasp.
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I don't like the 'thus' in that sentence. It sounds odd since you didn't use Old English in the rest of the piece.
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"How dare you..." He breathed.
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Again withe the breathing.
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They kicked up frosty bits of snow and charged towards her.
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There's snow? I got the idea that it was Winter.
Overall, I really like this.
Some people may call it purple put personally I think you used just the right amount of description. I think you could even get away with using some more.
But anyways, the pacing is really good and I love your ideas. It's really neat how you used an old man for the antagonist.
The only thing that confused me was this girl. Was she Liloo? I hope not!
I think you should add a quick description of the girl, because at the moment we have no idea who she is.
Keep writing!
Narf!
-Ayra   |
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Gwenevire
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| Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 10:29 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks Ayra.
I don't know... Maybe this will be Gwenevire seeing herself get killed and that's how she gets brought into the other world.
Yes! It shall be that XD
Thank you for a ll your help I will change that right away! |
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| Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2007 1:47 am Post subject: |
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wow...i like the description. it seems to go a little fast for me, but that just may be me.
i also agree with others' statements.
i like your style. good luck and keep it up!!
~enjeru |
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Gwenevire
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| Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2007 2:27 am Post subject: |
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Thanks
I am going to write the first chapter either tonight or tomorrow. |
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![All There Is [Edited 8/30/08]](images/featured/5.jpg)
