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This thread was created on December 8, 2007
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Vengeance Is Beautiful - Prologue Goto page Previous 1, 2
Topic ID: 23078
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Alice
Disaster Zone
Writer of Legend
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 5332
Reviews: 259
Country: In a book or a story, anywhere but here
402 Points
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 Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 9:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Sudden screams and shrieks of pain split the silence |
that part just seems a tad akward to me...
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| dark eyes sizzled with fury |
love the termonology right there.
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on the edge of her life. Each second brought her closer to her demise.
The woman stepped out of the shadows, drawing her lips back to reveal rather sharp teeth in a savage snarl.
"Stop!" She bellowed.
The dark figure turned to her. He was wearing a large black hat which shadowed his face, but as he lifted his head, a mocking smile spread overhis wrinkled features.
"Here to save your friend?" He snickered, "Not tonight!" His smile grew, his eyes lit up with a gloomy yellow and with a single swift movement of his arm he slit the girls neck. Blood spattered in every direction; the girl screeched before falling to the ground dead...
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Should be...
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on the edge of her life. Each second brought her closer to her demise.
The woman stepped out of the shadows, drawing her lips back to reveal rather sharp teeth in a savage snarl.
"Stop!" She bellowed.
The dark figure turned to her. He was wearing a large black hat which shadowed his face, but as he lifted his head, a mocking smile spread over his wrinkled features.
"Here to save your friend?" He snickered, "Not tonight!" His smile grew, his eyes lit up with a gloomy yellow and with a single swift movement of his arm he slit the girls neck. Blood spattered in every direction; the girl screeched before falling to the ground dead...
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The woman let a menacing growl pass her lips before springing forwards. With lightening quick movements she unsheathed a long sword from her belt and brought it violently down on the man below her. He raised his word above him in defence and was gone.
The woman landed on the ground. A large gash in her leg oozed scarlet blood. She took no notice to this but rose to her feet once more. Before she could even take a moment to think a sword slid across her neck and pushed frighteningly close to her skin. She held her breath as the man grabbed her hair and slowly pulled her head back.
"You think you can beat me?" He snapped "Foolish child."
Without warning she elbowed him in the gut. He stumbled backwards, releasing her from his grasp.
She spun around and jabbed him in the arm. He yelped in pain and dropped his sword. He brought his hand up to his shoulder and snarled.
"How dare you..." He breathed.
The girl smiled devilishly, "You killed my girl... You deserve it bastard!" she smirked.
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Same thing there.
[quote]The woman let a menacing growl pass her lips before springing forwards. With lightening quick movements she unsheathed a long sword from her belt and brought it violently down on the man below her. He raised his word above him in defence and was gone.
The woman landed on the ground. A large gash in her leg oozed scarlet blood. She took no notice to this but rose to her feet once more. Before she could even take a moment to think a sword slid across her neck and pushed frighteningly close to her skin. She held her breath as the man grabbed her hair and slowly pulled her head back.
"You think you can beat me?" He snapped "Foolish child."
Without warning she elbowed him in the gut. He stumbled backwards, releasing her from his grasp.
She spun around and jabbed him in the arm. He yelped in pain and dropped his sword.
He brought his hand up to his shoulder and snarled.
"How dare you..." He breathed.
The girl smiled devilishly, "You killed my girl... You deserve it bastard!" she smirked. [quote]
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He brought his hand up to his shoulder and snarled.
"How dare you..." He breathed.
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Should be on one line.
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| He brought his hand up to his shoulder and snarled. "How dare you..." He breathed. |
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| The girl smiled devilishly, "You killed my girl... |
you used the word "girl" twice there, makes it feel very akward.
Any questions you can always PM me! |
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I'm Alice.
For the record, I'm not a crack addict, I don't chase rabits wearing waistcoats down holes, and I can't see the future.
And if you don't get any of those you epic fail. |
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Gwenevire
мαмα яαιѕє∂ α нєℓℓяαzσя
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 27 Oct 2007
Posts: 1348
Reviews: 441
Country: detention
302 Points
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| Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 9:52 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks 
So what did you think of it? Did you like or deislike it? |
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MidnightVampire
Lauren did it!
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 08 Dec 2007
Posts: 475
Reviews: 139
Country: lost in my book
415 Points
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 3:30 am Post subject: |
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| Ok, I would so totally read this ( sorry for the teenager talk). I love your descriptions. It seems something that my friend would read. I like the whole wolf thing. Are you going to explain later who the man is? Because if you arn't, then have them scream ( or whisper in fear) of his name. Or do they not know him. I hope no one already asked these things. Keep going and I will read more. |
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Gwenevire
мαмα яαιѕє∂ α нєℓℓяαzσя
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 27 Oct 2007
Posts: 1348
Reviews: 441
Country: detention
302 Points
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| Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2007 12:42 am Post subject: |
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Yes. They will mention his name later on.
But I don't want to spoil it for you
Thank you! |
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| This thread was created on December 8, 2007 |
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