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This thread was created on December 6, 2007
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The Elements Goto page Previous 1, 2
Topic ID: 22992
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emeraldmaria
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Age: 18
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Reviews: 2
300 Points
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 Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 7:10 am Post subject: review |
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| I think the plot is good. I do agree it is overused, though. Like I used to write a story exatly *stresses the word 'exatly'* like that. I'm not saying stop I'm just saying a twist is necessary. Many twists aswell. And I want to hear the rest of the book. I also want to know who thw author is. If all the chapters are that short then you're writing a short story, not a novel. |
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Maki-Chan
Ganbaru! I will do my best!
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183 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 12:21 am Post subject: |
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Well this drew me in. It was simple yet complex. It foreshadowed perfectly, and now I am interesting. I like the way you made it an old man reading a book for the children. It was a good prologue. I can't wait to read more.
Good Job. ^_^ I hope you continue this. |
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The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.
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The Cheshire Cat
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| Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 12:51 am Post subject: |
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Loving the story so far. I like how it turned out to be a man reading a story to his two kids, cute idea, and very intruiging. I'm definatly looking forward to reading the next chapters! 
I have a little bit of Critique for you, Hope you don't mind! 
| Quote: |
| A large figure dashed away from the six powerful warriors. He let a tear drop from his eye as his brother fell to the ground, dead. He continued on. |
I think that you should bulk this up a little bit. The flow is a bit choppy and the first paragraph always needs to jump out, or your reader isn't going to be interested. Adding some descriptive words would be great - how/where/specificly why did the brother fall? Were arrows jutting out of his back or was his shirt stained with blood from a dagger? What did the warriors look like? Why are they intemidating?
| Quote: |
He would not be seen for 1600 years.
“And that is the story of the Black Knight, you two.” Lt. Surge was sitting in front of his two sons, reading from the large book in front of him. “The history of Elemento” it said on the cover. |
The transition between these two time periods is choppy. Perhaps a '...' at the end of the story would clear things up, or placing the story in italics.
Other than those two things, it looks great! Can't wait for more! |
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| This thread was created on December 6, 2007 |
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