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An Attempt to Win a Contest and a Tribute to My Director.
An Attempt to Win a Contest and a Tribute to My Director.

by oboemagic_1414 in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on December 6, 2007
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The Beginning (UPDATED)

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 06, 2007 5:04 am    Post subject: The Beginning (UPDATED) Reply with quote

Title: The Light Side Of Dark

Author: Lisa. M. S

Rating: R

Notes: Work-safe, Rated R scenes. Soon to be the best novel ever!

Summary: Have you ever wondered where “it” all came from? I am here to tell you, in a story of love, hatred, and mystery. Follow Azerial a young angel-like fellow and his love Fabel, better known as a Diabolus, through a tale that could only come from the very depths of your mind.

Characters— Fabel

Azerial

Samera

Naria

Loki

Raven

Akari

Zagan

More to come….

In the beginning …

I am a bodiless mystical age-old being, older than time, ugh I invented time. I invented everything, I might seem a little self-centered but please do not think this way of me, I am here to tell you a beautiful tale. Full of mystery, wonder and that universal spectral that makes everything possible, love. I’m sure you have wondered, countless times on end how everything and everyone has came to be. This all started in a heavenly place back, deep in your subconsinces mind, that perfect place where it seems to be so far away.

Some people may call this place The Summerland, depending on how you look at it. Summerland is known to have beautiful landscaping, a few butterflies here and there, baby blue skies and some mysterious thing called The Mother, The Goddess. Everyone has their own option and their own views and where I am I have to say I'm not sure of anything, just what I have felt in my own spirit. However, I’m getting ahead of myself. Once upon this place a long time ago where I lived out my existence there were many people just like myself. We all did as we wished and all through out the land our race was known as Lucidus.

We weren’t that different from each other we had lived many millions of years in peace until it seemed everybody changed into something completely different. Over time, the less “rich” Lucidus all banned together and pulled their views and beliefs into one new complete race and they named themselves the Obscurum, based on where they lived in on Summerland, which were all the darkness, and shadows were placed. They turned their back on Mother Nature saying she picked favorites over all her children giving others more than the rest, with this, they became hateful and greedy. Over millions of years, it stuck as if it had always been that way, two different races living together but also as if there was an imagery line parting the two. The remaining Lucidus were peaceful beings, like myself we were in touch with nature and we loved everything that Mother Nature blessed us with. She took care of us, she was our mother, she gave us everything we needed, wood for our homes, food for our bellies, the beauty of the land and our little ones.

. Maybe this was how the story of how “Angels” and “Demons” were created. As I know in your world if you don’t like a race different from your own, you make up mean nicknames; the New World isn’t that different from mine. Even though I had no part in it the Obscurums were dubbed the mean nickname Diabolus, in the mortal language it means devil. Even though we all were split into two different races we tried to live in harmony but Mother Nature knew there was no way we would ever be the same again so she created another world, the New World.

Many chose to go to the New World in search of new surroundings and wonder, a mysterious new place filled with the unknown. Mother Nature knew since she had this new world she now needed a guardian, and she had one perfect person in mind for the job. The person perfect for the job was a local Lucidus named Akari; he was a very nice and sweet fellow. He had been on my world for twenty-four years and he had grown into a very handsome boy. He had sandy brown hair that grew into loose curls that peeked over his ears where as his eyes were green as the grass that surrounded him. His stone body showed that he was not shy to hard work and he knew that this would be a tough task, but Akari loved challenges. For sure the mission of being the Oak King would not be a easy one, though he felt very much honored to be the king of the new world, on Summerland he was very kind to the animals and loved to make flowers grow so Mother Nature knew he would do right by her.

As many tales that are written if one race has a rightful king the other race will as well, such as if you have good you have to have evil. Moreover, that was Zagan in so little words, like the many Obscurums before him he had not even one good chromosome in his twenty two year old body. He was truly evil, and he disturbed Mother Nature very greatly. He was very tall and lean good for escapes some would call him an escape artist. His hair was long past his shoulder blades and the color was brownest of brown, possibly even as dark than the dirt beneath his feet. His eyes looked as if you were staring endlessly into the deep ocean, some say they were grey but yet some would say they wouldn’t dare to get close enough to notice.

When the news came to the Obscurums that Mother Nature had chosen a Lucidus for the title of guardian of the New World they were enraged. Before they just thought they were pushed side, now they felt betrayed they wanted to show Mother Nature that they weren’t going to be pushed aside any longer and appointed Zagan to be their guardian of their people on the new world. He was the Obscurums king, the Holly King as he was more often called. And a good leader he was, for them anyway, there are only stories why he was so cruel and revengeful. Some say his parents were Lucidus and they abandoned them, left him in the cold to die, whatever the tale may be he has been on a warpath ever since he was a young boy.

After the migration of the Obscurums across the land to the deep depths of Summerland Zagan decided it was time to take revenge on the Lucidus. In their mind, it was the Lucidus’ doing that made Mother Nature betray them and they needed punished. When war was upon them, Zagan searched through the shadowed land for Obscurums that would be strong and wise in battle. Among the hundreds was a young woman by the name of Fabel. She was evil, ruthless and very beautiful, unlike many of the Obscurums she was born on the dark watery banks of “dark”. All she ever had known was darkness and selfishness, her dark black hair matched her heart whereas her eyes were green, green with greed. Zagan was very proud of her when she went into battle with the Lucidus, killing or I should say taking lives did not matter to her, causing pain was her pleasure.

In Summerland “death” was a strange thing if you were so hurt in battle that your body couldn’t heal itself your soul would break down into tiny stars and would morph into a tiny creature with wings and that would fly to meet Mother Nature in all her glory. She thought it a waste to have all her children to disappear forever she loved all of them even if they continued this stupid war, and if you were lucky enough along down the beaten path you could be returned back into a spiritual form just like before. Your old life would be over but at least you have to start over. So more or less war was pointless, it was nothing more than a slap in the face of the Great Mother.

After spending almost sixteen or so years on one side of Summerland and killing the other side for almost two one would grow curious of there side of the land, no? This is how Fabel thought, she had heard of them having different food, tall great hard things called trees that pop out of the ground and fragile color grass called flowers. She wondered,

“How many different things can be born out of light and not darkness?”

However, simply walking over the mountains into where the Lucidus were was not going to be that unproblematic. The Holly King had made it crystal clear that any Obscurum was not to communicate with them.

“The only thing I want you to have to do with them is how you will take their life”.

She had heard this many times but Fabel wasn’t very much for the rules, and she was favorites with the King so she could get away with the trip with only a slap on the hand. As she awoke one dark gloomy morning she excitement in her hallowed out heart she knew this was the day was the day she moved with the shadows until they disappeared in the land of the light. As she slipped quietly out of bed to get dressed she did the same as she glided silently pass the kitchen in her small cottage where her mother and father sat at a large wooden table peeling potatoes.

Her mothers gray streaks were natural, that showed that she was well in age, and had seen a lot in her time as well as her father, his dark skin matched Fabel’s just like their battle scars drawn all over their bodies.

“And where do you think your going?” her mother asked her without raising her head.

“Kiss my ass,” Fabel replied while putting on a long grey cloak by the front door.

“Are you going to Zagans place?”

“No, I’ll be back later”, and without another word from either parent she was out the door in the blackness journey that awaited her.

***

It was a very sunny day. A day like any other as two young boys enjoyed one of Mother Nature’s best days, the weather was perfect and there were butterflies and flowers everywhere, little did he know what path lye ahead of the youngest.

The young Lucidus boys named Azerial with his older brother Loki sat out in the fields this beautiful day and Loki being his brother he thought he was a little close-minded and he hated people like that. Loki was also second in command to the Oak King which made him very important and his brother thought that this title gave him the big head. Loki and Azerial looked a lot alike and everyone could always guess they were brothers, even though they were almost opposites in spirit. They lied on their backs as they stared up at the baby blue sky; it was a perfect day just like it was always.

“I wonder what the new world will be like.” Loki asked, placing his arms under his head.

“I don’t know but I can’t wait to go.”

“I’m kind of scared, what if the Obscurum still have war with us?”

“I don’t see a problem with them, I think they are interesting,” Azerial said sitting up looking over the fields where the Obscurums lived.

“Azerial!”

“What?”

“They’re evil!”

“Oh, they are not.”

“Yes they are.”

“Just because they are different from us doesn’t mean anything.”

“Ok, if they are not evil, then why do they always have war with us?”

“I don’t know, ask them,” Azerial said standing up, dusting off grass and dirt off his clean clothes.

“Where are you going?”

“You’re being stupid. I’m going to go get a peach.”

“They are over the border!” Loki shouted with a sound of fear in his voice.

“I know.” Azerial said as he started walking across the field.

“You will get killed I know it!”

“Oh come on.”

A very sweet and yummy fruit named a peach grew on the borderlands of the Obscurums and Lucidus; it grew in huge beautiful trees and only grew when the weather was at its hottest. Very few Lucidus dared to wander to the border, they like Loki believed that the Obscurums were evil and would kill them. As Azerial ran through the flowering lily fields to the peach trees, Loki followed behind him shouting the whole way.

“Azerial, come back!”

“Come on, were almost there!”

Azerial ran closer and as Loki drew nearer they didn’t see a young girl sleeping beneath a peach tree. This girl had long black hair that blew in the wind like the leaves on the trees. She had hazel eyes and was very beautiful, when they approached the tree they found her lying there; tiny black stains of her hair covering her face, her back lied against the bark and her tiny arms lying restlessly in her lap.

“Look,” Azerial said pointing at the sleeping girl.

“Uh, she’s sleeping,” Loki said surprisingly, looking at her closely.

Then all of a sudden Loki took a jump and ran several feet from the tree.

“What is wrong with you? Do you have some kind of problem?”

“That’s a Diabolus!” he shouted a few feet away.

“Oh shut up that’s mean, she’s probably from our village.”

“Well you can sit here and be all nice and get killed.” And with those last words he ran off towards the village fields.

He can be so stupid sometimes. Azerial thought as he stood underneath that peach tree staring at the mysterious girl. For long Azerial had wished for a companion to share his long life with. But the neighbor females were all snotty and not at all as beautiful as this one, he wondered, was she a Lucidus or an Obscurum? She looked so peaceful lying there under the shade of the peach leaves she looked as she could be dead, but he thought what a shame it would be to have such beauty leave his world at such a short time. He stared at her and then suddenly remembered why he was there. As he stepped back from glazing at the near perfection of her beauty, the fascination at the art of her tiny frame he noticed also the perfect peach with the irony of it all he choose to pick this one. Being very careful he placed his right foot beside her and leaned against the bark of the tree to balance himself so he wouldn’t fall onto her.

Rustling the branches as he did seemed to wake up the sleeping girl when she opened her eyes restlessly she turned her head towards Azerial’s body against the massive peach tree, it took her a few seconds in her half sleep state for her to realize she was no longer dreaming and someone in fact was standing next to her, she jerked away from his body which scared him enough to make him trip over her replaced legs in back of his and come crashing down to the dewy grass.

“What were you doing!” she shouted as she sat straight up staring straight into his eyes.

“I…I” he mumbled a lost for words. “I was getting a peach,” Azerial insisted dumbfounded pointing upwards at the short tree.

“I bet you were,”

“No really! I…I just tripped over you getting one, honestly,” he explained calming his tone so he wouldn’t sound so hystical, he straightened himself until he was sitting cross legged.

As her eyes formed a straight line she stared at him as if she could tell If he were lying or not after a few seconds she spoke.

“Sounds like a likely story,” not taking her eyes off him.

“Oh its no problem, it didn’t kill me,” she said starting to relax against the bark of the tree once more.

“My name is Azerial by the way,” he added.

“Fabel,”

“Nice name,” he said and she gave him a slight shrug.

“What were you doing sleeping anyway?”

“I’ve been walking since morning and I became very tried so I sat down to rest,”

“Oh,”

There was silence for a few moments.

“My brother and I were spending time by the lily fields before I found you,”

“What are lily fields?” Fabel asked.

“You’ve never seen lilies before?”

“No…”

“You want me to show you?” he asked outstretching his hand towards her.

“Sure” Fabel agreed.



Last edited by lisablack on Wed Mar 12, 2008 12:34 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 06, 2007 4:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, wow. This is truly wonderful. The beginning of the world is such an interesting theme; I've played with it a lot. When I read this, my heart got all fluttery because it's such a good idea. I can see everything vividly in my mind.

However, I do have a few comments. Almost all your sentences are run-ons. This whole chapter was pretty vague and wordy, but your plot saved you. Still, all the rambling comma splices get pretty annoying. When you edit this, think about everything you can cut out. Throw it flowery prose instead of tiny words like, "but then he and than the because it kind of not really." It would make it so much stronger.

About the bad guy. Drake, is it? Sorry to say, but I'm not afraid. It reminds me of this old movie with these evil guys walking around in duck suits called Drakes. Isn't there a more intimidating name you can give him? On the other hand, you did a marvelous job at naming the two races. They sound almost Latin. They probably are.

Quote:
A very sweet and yummy fruit named a peach grew on the borderlands of the Obscurums and Lucidus; it grew in huge beautiful trees and only grew when the weather was at its hottest. Very few Lucidus dared to wander to the border, they like Loki believed that the Obscurums were evil and would kill them. But unknown to them the Obscurums would never do that. As Azerial ran through the flowering lily fields to the peach trees, Loki followed behind him shouting the whole way.


I like how you start this paragraph. It adds to the "beginning of the world" feeling. But the sentence starting with, "But unknown to them..." completely ruins it. That's major telling-not-showing and destroys the suspence. Wouldn't you rather have your reader wondering, "Will they really try to kill Azerial?"

Remember, first person is subjective. Your narrator doesn't know everything, even if he/she thinks he/she does. Don't give everything away. If your narrator is a Lucidus, give us the Lucidus point of view.

Great job! I can't wait to read more!

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 06, 2007 5:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's writien very well
but
i dont like the story line at all
it's interesting and original
but i just dont like it
others may like it but it's not for me
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 06, 2007 7:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some good ideas, but i confess i skimmed a lot of the first few paragraphs. It's a bit too much information at once. Maybe you could try combining it with some action, or maybe say the same thing but in fewer words.
A great start though, i can't wait for your next post.
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 06, 2007 7:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I quite enjoyed it, and I'll read the second part as soon as I finish writing this. I did notice one mistake. In one part you spell enemies wrong, you have it spelt with an r somewhere in it.

Apart from that it was good.

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