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Beyond the Heart
Beyond the Heart

by crazy_lil_blondie in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on December 3, 2007
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Book of Sorrow Chap. 1
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piepiemann22   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 04, 2007 1:35 am    Post subject: Book of Sorrow Chap. 1 Reply with quote

Tom looked out the window. The bright sun had faded behind the clouds and the crisp autumn air grew heavy. He sank into his vintage arm chair. Red in color it was a gift from his late father. Slowly he brought a cigarette to his mouth, but left it there unlit. He watched as rain drops began to form on the window pain. Pulling the cigarette out of his mouth he fiddled with in between his fingers before flicking it into the fire place.

He stood up and placed his hand upon the mantle. It was smooth, no doubt because it was made of marble. Slowly his hand ran over the wood work of the base. Each design was unique. Only matched by its parallel opposite. Sighing he looked into the dancing flames. The soft light was the only thing illuminating the rest of the room.

The room itself was small. The fire place was located in the further most wall. It was all the tiny room needed for warmth. His father’s chair sat in between the fire place and the lone window letting in a weak gray light. The hand made oak table was placed in the middle with a few chairs around it. A quiet room to quiet the mind.

Atop the mantle stood a lone picture frame. The only thing decorating the room. Tom picked it up and cradled it in the palms of his hands. A woman sitting on a stone bench was what the picture portrayed. Her hair was a bright shade of blonde. Her eyes a soft grey against her baby-blue blouse.

Tom set the frame down gently as if not to hurt it in any way. In truth the woman in the picture was the exact opposite of Tom. He had rugged dark brown hair. Piercing blue eyes. Clad in black he had a much more distant look about him. He scratched a scruffy beard that was poorly shaved creating a small scrapping sound against the crackle of the fire.

Pulling out his pocket watch tom looked at the time. Slipping it back inside his pocket he opened the door into the other room. He passed by the kitchen and made his way towards the main hall. He grabbed his grey jacket and black hat. Just as he was about to open the front door there came a knock.

Tom waited a moment before opening the door only to see his old friend John. John was a tall man, around six foot. Large for his age he was the perfect hard worker. A patched of tangled red hair sat atop his head. The smell of alcohol already potent on his breath. His overalls were poorly patched and the leggings were drenched.

“Hey Tom, you want to grab something to drink?” John put his hand on tom’s shoulder.

“Not now John, it’s early yet. I’ll meet you at the pub tonight.”

“Come on man, loosen up. It’s the same thing ever, uh, week. Relax and have a drink.” John pushed a bottle in his face.

Tom gently pushed it down, “Why don’t you go lay down and I’ll come pick you up later.”

“Much obliged friend.” John took another sip of whiskey before entering the apartment. He staggered using the walls as bumpers. Tom had to lend him a hand to stop him from falling over. He brought his guest into the living room where he had a couch. “Good night Tom.”

“I’ll see you in a bit John.” Tom threw a blanket at him before motioning to leave. Why’d he have to start drinking? He was such a kind person. Tom shut the door behind him and locked the front door.

The air was cold outside. The wind spraying the rain in his face stinging him slightly. He flipped up his collar to provide some protection. As he made his way down the street he saw people here and there with umbrellas or rushing to get inside somewhere.

About three blocks down he stopped in front of an office building. The sign read Anderson’s Printing Inc. He pushed the door open and took off his hat whipping off the water. The girl at the main desk looked up, “Oh, Tom, I didn’t think to see you her on a Sunday?”

“Just forgot something the other day is all. Don’t mind me Sally.”

She nodded and turned away to answer the phone. Tom made his way to the left down a small corridor. He stopped in front of a door and started fidgeting for something in his pocket. He pulled out a small collection of keys and found the one to unlock the door. He jingled the keys as he opened the door. As he closed it behind him he could here Sally laughing. Probably one of her friends.

Flipping on the light Tom walked up to his desk. The room was painted a simple grey. A filing cabinet to his right in the corner. His desk was neat enough. A few scattered papers here and there, but over all up to standard.

He opened one of the drawers and fiddled through some blank files until he had dug to the bottom. He pulled out a silver rope chain and attached to it was a silver, but dulled, locket. He clipped it behind his neck. The locket dangled just to the middle of his chest. Stuffing it in his shirt he shut the drawer and left the room.

Outside again he hurried across the street with the light was red. Once there he continued to walk. The rain had gotten harder and he was getting hammered. He quickened his pace and started jogging down the sidewalk. A couple more blocks down he stopped in front of a small church made entirely of bricks. The large doors were made of oak.

Slowly tom made his way in. Dipping his hand in the water he crossed himself while making his way up the stairs. The inside was cool and drafty, but it kept out the rain. The stain glass windows showed various pictures of angles, demons, and death. The pews were made of a simple pine. He ran his hand along them as he made his way to the alter.

Once there he knelt down and began to pray, “God of my father, I ask but one thing of you. Watch over Elena and help her find piece. Give her the strength I was not able to provide. Amen.”

As Tom stood up he heard the door open behind him. Turning he saw a hooded figure enter the chapel. Not much could be seen of the man. Only that he was rather tall. He approached with a grace no man had ever seen. He stooped beside Tom and bowed his head in prayer.

As this happened Tom just stood there. For some reason he was petrified of the stranger. No reason, only a feeling. He felt heavy, weary, and almost sick. He licked his dry lips as he turned. “What are you?”

“Your guardian angle.”

“W, what?”

The hooded figure said nothing, but place a small box in his hands. Tom glanced down at it, but when he looked up again the man was gone. Looking around in a haze he was confused on what had just happened. Looking down at the box again he examined it more closely. The box itself was polished oak. Atop it there laid a red rose. Tom quickly stuffed it inside his jacket and made his way back home.

When home he threw his jacket and hat onto the floor. Quietly he made his way into his study only to see John hovering over the fire. “Back already? I thought you’d still be at the church.” John hadn’t moved an inch.

Tom placed the box gently on the table, “Something, came up. You feeling okay?”

John smiled, “No. I have a major headache.” He paused for a moment, “Do you know why I started drinking?” Tom looked away. He knew, but would rather not say. “When sis died, well, she was all I had. All we had. I needed anything to take away the pain, but…” he couldn’t continue.

“I know,” Tom put his hand on John’s shoulder, “We both miss her.” They both stood there starring at the picture on the mantle.

“What’s in the box?”

Tom turned and picked it up, “Not sure, some random guy gave it to me.” He picked it up and fiddled it in his hands.

“Well, open it.’

Tom looked back before turning the small dial. It clicked and sprang open. Inside there was a small book, like a journal. Lifting it out he flipped through the pages, but they were all blank. Turning it over there was small writing on the leather cover. It read Book of Sorrows.

“A gift from God.”

Tom and John turned to see a hooded figure standing by the window. “You’re the man from before.”

The man slowly began to remove his cloak. His face was bright and strong. Large, just as tall as John. He had blonde hair that fell to his shoulders and hypnotizing green eyes. He was dressed in a brown robe and out of his back sprang two feathered, white wings. “My name is Mathias, I am your guardian angle.”


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With a dream we find a purpose. With a purpose we are contempt. With contemptment we can see. With sight we understand. With understanding we know. With knowledge we live.

~By me Anthony Delia


Last edited by piepiemann22 on Sat Dec 08, 2007 2:56 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 04, 2007 2:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Really good, i like the way you've introduced the characters and your ideas, but i think this still needs a few fixes.
Variation in the sentence lengths. The constant use of short sentences makes the story drag and can be slightly annoying. Using words like 'speaking', 'walking', 'acting', is a good way to start sentences if you find you are repeating yourself, but they also dim the writing, so it's not the best idea to use them too often, or use them when there's a lot of verbs used already. Then there's the oh-so-crucial rule of 'Show Not Tell'.

Here's my example.
Tom looked out the window. The bright sun had already faded behind the clouds and the crisp autumn air was growing heavy. He sank into his red - vintage - arm chair, a gift from his late father. Slowly he brought a cigarette to his mouth, where it hung unlit. Watching as rain drops began to form on the window pain, he pulled the cigarette out of his mouth, fiddled with it in between his fingers before flicking it into the blazing fire place.

Keep up the good work, i can't wait for the next part.
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2007 3:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*stares in awe at the amazement and excitement that he received from this wondrous chapter* Holy cow, dude! This was amazing! Ok, there were a couple things that I will point out in this big, long critique:

Quote:
Tom looked out the window. The bright sun had faded behind the clouds and the crisp autumn air grew heavy. He sank into his vintage arm chair. Red in color it was a gift from his late father. Slowly he brought a cigarette to his mouth, but left it there unlit. He watched as rain drops began to form on the window pain. Pulling the cigarette out of his mouth he fiddled with in between his fingers before flicking it into the fire place.

He stood up and placed his hand upon the mantle. It was smooth, no doubt because it was made of marble. Slowly his hand ran over the wood work of the base. Each design was unique. Only matched by its parallel opposite. Sighing he looked into the dancing flames. The soft light was the only thing illuminating the rest of the room.

The room itself was small. The fire place was located in the further most wall. It was all the tiny room needed for warmth. His father’s chair sat in between the fire place and the lone window letting in a weak gray light. The hand made oak table was placed in the middle with a few chairs around it. A quiet room to quiet the mind.

Atop the mantle stood a lone picture frame. The only thing decorating the room. Tom picked it up and cradled it in the palms of his hands. A woman sitting on a stone bench was what the picture portrayed. Her hair was a bright shade of blonde. Her eyes a soft grey against her baby-blue blouse.

Awesome! I love the description because it makes us wonder who she is!

Tom set the frame down gently as if not to hurt it in any way. In truth the woman in the picture was the exact opposite of Tom. He had rugged dark brown hair. Piercing blue eyes. Clad in black he had a much more distant look about him. He scratched a scruffy beard that was poorly shaved creating a small scrapping sound against the crackle of the fire.

Pulling out his pocket watch tom looked at the time. Slipping it back inside his pocket he opened the door into the other room. He passed by the kitchen and made his way towards the main hall. He grabbed his grey jacket and black hat. Just as he was about to open the front door there came a knock.

Tom waited a moment before opening the door only to see his old friend John. John was a tall man, around six foot. Large for his age he was the perfect hard worker. A patched of tangled red hair sat atop his head. The smell of alcohol already potent on his breath. His overalls were poorly patched and the leggings were drenched.

“Hey Tom, you want to grab something to drink?” John put his hand on tom’s shoulder.

This should be Tom's not tom's


“Not now John, it’s early yet. I’ll meet you at the pub tonight.”

“Come on man, loosen up. It’s the same thing ever, uh, week. Relax and have a drink.” John pushed a bottle in his face.

This is good because we can now visualize that John is drunk.


Tom gently pushed it down, “Why don’t you go lay down and I’ll come pick you up later.”

“Much obliged friend.” John took another sip of whiskey before entering the apartment. He staggered using the walls as bumpers. Tom had to lend him a hand to stop him from falling over. He brought his guest into the living room where he had a couch. “Good night Tom.”

“I’ll see you in a bit John.” Tom threw a blanket at him before motioning to leave. Why’d he have to start drinking? He was such a kind person. Tom shut the door behind him and locked the front door.

The air was cold outside. The wind spraying the rain in his face stinging him slightly. He flipped up his collar to provide some protection. As he made his way down the street he saw people here and there with umbrellas or rushing to get inside somewhere.

About three blocks down he stopped in front of an office building. The sign read Anderson’s Printing Inc. He pushed the door open and took off his hat whipping off the water. The girl at the main desk looked up, “Oh, Tom, I didn’t think to see you her on a Sunday?”

“Just forgot something the other day is all. Don’t mind me Sally.”

Comma after me.

She nodded and turned away to answer the phone. Tom made his way to the left down a small corridor. He stopped in front of a door and started fidgeting for something in his pocket. He pulled out a small collection of keys and found the one to unlock the door. He jingled the keys as he opened the door. As he closed it behind him he could here Sally laughing. Probably one of her friends.

Repetition is not good. Find some other word besides He.

Flipping on the light Tom walked up to his desk. The room was painted a simple grey. A filing cabinet to his right in the corner. His desk was neat enough. A few scattered papers here and there, but over all up to standard.

He opened one of the drawers and fiddled through some blank files until he had dug to the bottom. He pulled out a silver rope chain and attached to it was a silver, but dulled, locket. He clipped it behind his neck. The locket dangled just to the middle of his chest. Stuffing it in his shirt he shut the drawer and left the room.

Outside again he hurried across the street with the light was red. Once there he continued to walk. The rain had gotten harder and he was getting hammered. He quickened his pace and started jogging down the sidewalk. A couple more blocks down he stopped in front of a small church made entirely of bricks. The large doors were made of oak.

Some of your descriptions pull the reader away from the storyline. Try not to describe every little object, and we will want to read more and more. Description is like pills; take too much and you get drowsy, but take the right amount and you'll be fine. ROFL

Slowly tom made his way in. Dipping his hand in the water he crossed himself while making his way up the stairs. The inside was cool and drafty, but it kept out the rain. The stain glass windows showed various pictures of angles, demons, and death. The pews were made of a simple pine. He ran his hand along them as he made his way to the alter.

tom = Tom

Once there he knelt down and began to pray, “God of my father, I ask but one thing of you. Watch over Elena and help her find piece. Give her the strength I was not able to provide. Amen.”

piece = peace

As Tom stood up he heard the door open behind him. Turning he saw a hooded figure enter the chapel. Not much could be seen of the man. Only that he was rather tall. He approached with a grace no man had ever seen. He stooped beside Tom and bowed his head in prayer.

As this happened Tom just stood there. For some reason he was petrified of the stranger. No reason, only a feeling. He felt heavy, weary, and almost sick. He licked his dry lips as he turned. “What are you?”

“Your guardian angle.”


This is, by far, the best thing in this chapter. I got goosbumps when I read this! anyway, angle = angel. You do that a few times.

“W, what?”

This should be "W-what?"


The hooded figure said nothing, but place a small box in his hands. Tom glanced down at it, but when he looked up again the man was gone. Looking around in a haze he was confused on what had just happened. Looking down at the box again he examined it more closely. The box itself was polished oak. Atop it there laid a red rose. Tom quickly stuffed it inside his jacket and made his way back home.

When home he threw his jacket and hat onto the floor. Quietly he made his way into his study only to see John hovering over the fire. “Back already? I thought you’d still be at the church.” John hadn’t moved an inch.

Tom placed the box gently on the table, “Something, came up. You feeling okay?”

John smiled, “No. I have a major headache.” He paused for a moment, “Do you know why I started drinking?” Tom looked away. He knew, but would rather not say. “When sis died, well, she was all I had. All we had. I needed anything to take away the pain, but…” he couldn’t continue.

“I know,” Tom put his hand on John’s shoulder, “We both miss her.” They both stood there starring at the picture on the mantle.

“What’s in the box?”

Tom turned and picked it up, “Not sure, some random guy gave it to me.” He picked it up and fiddled it in his hands.

“Well, open it.’

Tom looked back before turning the small dial. It clicked and sprang open. Inside there was a small book, like a journal. Lifting it out he flipped through the pages, but they were all blank. Turning it over there was small writing on the leather cover. It read Book of Sorrows.

Awesome title for a book.

“A gift from God.”

Tom and John turned to see a hooded figure standing by the window. “You’re the man from before.”

The man slowly began to remove his cloak. His face was bright and strong. Large, just as tall as John. He had blonde hair that fell to his shoulders and hypnotizing green eyes. He was dressed in a brown robe and out of his back sprang two feathered, white wings. “My name is Mathias, I am your guardian angle.”


Awesome! And the last word should be spell angel. Yeah. Well, I loved this! and I can't wait to read more!

BBB

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2007 5:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excelent! I liked this piece, it was very very good, but I have a few nit-picky things I want to point out.

Your characters are a little bit bland in my opinion. They are just words on the computer screen. You need to work and make your characters more human. Dialogue helps a lot with this. Listen in on conversations around you and how people talk to eachother. Then, think about how your characters SHOULD interact with eachother. This should help with characterization because each character has a unique way of talking.

But, other than that, very good and I *can't* wait to read more!

~N
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 6:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a good beginning. It's partially well written and kept me interested. You use a lot of passive voice and need to work a bit more on your sentence structure. Try flipping around some of your sentences so you don't have to use the words 'was' or 'were'. Also, I refer you to kokobeans's review, specifically the part on "Show Not Tell." Those three words hold great advice for all writers.

Some specifics:

piepiemann22 wrote:
Atop the mantle stood a lone picture frame. The only thing decorating the room.

Combine these two sentences. "The only thing decorating the room." is a sentence fragment and flows better when combined with the previous sentence for something like:
Atop the mantle stood the only thing decorating the room - a lone picture frame.

piepiemann22 wrote:
For some reason he was petrified of the stranger. No reason, only a feeling.

This is confusing, because you first say 'for some reason' and then say 'no reason'. You could still say there's no reason, but like this instead:
No, not a reason, only feeling.
This is a good part you need to work on. I couldn't feel what Tom was feeling and therefore wasn't all that affected when the hooded figure turned out to be his guardian angel. However, your description of how Tom felt is very good. I think the main thing that takes away from the atmosphere is the passive voice and sentence structure.

piepiemann22 wrote:
Quietly he made his way into his study only to see John hovering over the fire. “Back already? I thought you’d still be at the church.” John hadn’t moved an inch.

You should clarify whether you mean John hadn't moved an inch while saying that or John hadn't moved an inch since Tom had left. I assume you mean the former, because otherwise John couldn't be hovering over the fire.


Once again, it's a good chapter that needs work in the areas of passive voice and sentence structure. I think you can do it! ^-^
I hope you found this helpful.

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 5:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

all i can say is wow, there are a few grammar errors, but i was so intrigued i couldnt stop reading. i personally like the discriptions you use, the way you make the reader move from room to room, like we are walking with Tom.
This is just awesome, i read alot, and this is one of the few stories on this site i have found that is written extremely well. please keep going with this, and let me know when you post your next chapter.
all the critique in the world will not change the fact, that this truly caught my attention and is awesome.

kim
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 11:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well done, Anthony. I do have to agree with nariel that the characters are a little bland and that they could use a little "spicing up" for the story. As for the story itself, marvelous. The way you made it seem as if the reader was looking over Tom's shoulder was, I think, the best feature about it. This was the best I've seen from you. Keep it up.
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