Wolf
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Country: in Atlanta, with my super-hawt rapper boyfriend.<3
386 Points
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 Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 2:27 am Post subject: |
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Hi lupis! 
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From my perch on the dock, my eyes explore the dark emerald green water.
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This should be hyphenated, methinks. And maybe a comma after 'dark'?
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My gaze travels down to my fine clothes.
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As Zills said, how are they fine? I'm intrigued by this (village celebration sounds awesome) so more elaboration would be welcome.
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The rough hewn boards scratch my half covered legs adding to my misery and disgruntlement.
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I think 'half covered' should be hyphenated. And a comma after 'legs'. 
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With another sigh, I lie down on the dock and observe the clouds pass by in the ever changing bright blue sky.
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Comma after 'changing'.
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I sit up and quickly turn my head causing a stabbing spasm of pain in my neck.
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Comma after 'head'. Also, you can make this more realistic, I think. If I were her, thoughts would be racing through my mind -- I would be wondering in a split-second who it could be, or what. You know? Make her seem more human. =P
Also, you might want to try a re-word: I sit up and turn my head quickly, causing a stabbing spasm of pain in my neck.
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His long, white hair floats softly about his face reminding me of freshly carted lamb’s wool.
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Comma after 'face'. I love this description, though; it really adds to the atmosphere of the story.
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The sea is calm today: water rippling gently away from the shore, seabirds soaring high on gentle air currents too far away for me to sense.
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Comma after 'air'.
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It swims boldly up to the dock and then, to my astonishment, propels itself halfway out of the water, whiskers brushing my knees, as huge eyes stare demurely up at me. In those liquid brown eyes I feel as if I am falling.
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Bolded words = repetition. Also, this may be just personal preference, but I think there should be a comma after the second 'eyes'.
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All at once old memories, locked deep within, rush to the forefront of my mind.
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Comma after 'once', I think...
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I had been swimming in the ocean by our house, my mother on the beach watching. My mother turned her attention towards a magazine and did not see the seal that came up from the deep waters directly below me, appearing a few inches from my face.
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Need I say more? 
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I turn back towards the silky, dark animal.
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This is just personal preference, but I think 'dark' should come before 'silky'.
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Limpid eyes stare into mine. I look more deeply. I realize that I no longer see the sky reflected in the seal’s dark orbs.
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These sentences seem kind of choppy. Maybe you should try: Limpid eyes stare into mine. I look more deeply, and am startled to realize that I no longer see the sky reflected in those dark orbs.
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The scene revealed before me now is a dark, murky green framed by softly undulating kelp fronds.
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You said 'dark' in the previous sentence. Maybe you could use a synonym here, such as 'sombre' or 'shadowy'?
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From this vantage I feel I am looking up from the seabed instead of down.
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Comma after 'vantage'.
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The night mist is returning and though the warmth of the sun still remains I can feel the heat dwindling along with the light.
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Reword: The night mist is returning, and though the warmth of the sun still remains, I can feel the heat dwindling along with the light.
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While my hands busy with this mundane task my mind reflects on what I have experienced. I look up and note that the water is reflecting the last rays of the sun into my face. The seal is still with me, also watching the setting sun.
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Bold = repetition. I think you could replace the second 'sun' with: The seal is still with me, also watching the horizon. Or something. I'm not sure about 'reflect', though.
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She seems to know that I have to go and with what looks like sadness slowly turns and slips under the water.
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Comma after 'go' and after 'sadness'.
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Azila already mentioned the way you say 'I feel' and 'I see' etc, so I won't badger you with that. =P Here's my likes and dislikes:
Likes:
The descriptions are quite nice, especially at the beginning with the imagery of the sea and the cedars. Very pretty. But, I think you would benefit from using more of the five senses -- what does she smell and hear? What does the old man's voice sound like?
The pacing and the dialogue are good too, even though the old man's dialogue is a little cliché. But you make up for it by the general originality of your ideas, methinks.
Dislikes:
Old men have often been used in relation to wisdom, especially in totemic stories. I think you could be more original here, but seeing as it's part of the plot, well... not much we can do, is there?
Also, you might want to develop your character a little more. She's alright as it is, but you can dig deeper to make her seem more real. For example:
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The rough hewn boards scratch my half covered legs adding to my misery and disgruntlement.
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What do her legs look like? Even a small detail like that can be important. For example, if someone had tanned legs covered in scratches and mosquito bites, what might that tell you about them? You can PM me if you need clarification.
Yeah! Overall, I love this. By far my favourite out of all the totems pieces you've done so far. Which reminds me, lemme know when you post the edits for those!
Good luck with your contest! 
- Camille xx |
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KJ
She moves in mysterious ways...
Speaker of the Forum
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170 Points
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| Posted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 10:53 pm Post subject: |
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| He is obviously very old, and looks harmless enough, but you never know with strangers |
Really the only problem I have with this. The "you never know with strangers" doesn't feel right with the rest of it.
Very well written. Are you really 12? You write extremely good. I was impressed. I liked this better than a ton of the others I've read by 17-21 year olds. Good job.
I was surprised at the similarities between this and one of my stories. I'm also writing a story about a seal shape-shifter (though not my main character), and it also takes place nearby a village. Pretty cool, I guess.
Keep writing. |
Last edited by KJ on Sat Mar 15, 2008 4:12 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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