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Angel of Death
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 Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 4:06 am Post subject: Music |
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Music
Like blood, music runs through my veins
Music is my oxygen, it helps me to breathe
We're one and when I'm sad it can feel my pains
Music is friend, and I know it'll never leave
Then someone turns off the radio
That's when I just lose it
I'm getting light headed....no blood flow!!
To live I need music
Because music is my life
As my heart beats
The sound flows
My heart stops
The music goes
That's when I go into cardiac arrest
Somebody turn on the CD player, and push play
Suddenly I feel my heart beating out of my chest
Because of music I'm living today |
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Last edited by Angel of Death on Fri Nov 30, 2007 1:45 am; edited 1 time in total |
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piepiemann22
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| Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 12:44 am Post subject: |
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In a way I like it. I get the idea behind it, but it needs some work all the same.
1) I go to the doctor and her says I'm going into cardiac arrest/ Her should be she am I right.
2) Your stanzas are out of whack. They start out small and then get really long. Maybe split the two into separate stanzas.
3) the second half of the poem doesn't really make much sense to me. I can see you tried to create imagery and comparison, but you took a Left hand turn. The poem doesn't fit together so that's another reason to add more stanzas.
4) A two parter. Punctuation and caps. Punctuation helps to had flow to the piece. Also, you don't need to put caps at the beginning every line.
That's all i got because I'm sort of tired.
PS. no italics either. |
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Minniax
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| Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 1:29 am Post subject: |
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I agree with piepiemann22.
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I go to the doctor and her says I'm going into cardiac arrest
So I take my MP3 player and push play |
I don't quite understand that. To go a little off topic, my mouse went through a cardiac arrest and it wasn't easy for her to just get up and go to the doctor(I know its a mouse, but I don't have a human comparison).
It's like a heart attack.
I don't get how you can press play and it is all over.
Maybe I am getting the wrong message but everything below this...
| Quote: |
Music is my life
As my heart beats
The sounds flow
My heart stops
The Music goes |
Does not make sense.
Other then that, the top portion isn't so bad. =] |
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Angel of Death
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| Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 1:56 am Post subject: I agree |
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| I know that it doesn't sound like much, but this was just an idea I had running around in my head all day. Don't you just hate when that happens? |
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"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me |
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piepiemann22
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| Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 1:58 am Post subject: |
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| Just think about what we said and work with it. What's the point of writing it if you won't fix it when the time is due. It doesn't suck, just needs work is all. Keep working on it okay. |
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Angel of Death
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| Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:12 am Post subject: Poem |
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| Yeah I agree. I just need some time to think about it though. I have an idea to make it more clear...but I don't know yet. |
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"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me |
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Minniax
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| Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 10:28 pm Post subject: |
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I give you credit.
I can't write a poem for my life! 
So just keep doing what you are doing and work on it some more.
Never give up!  |
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Leja
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| Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 10:46 pm Post subject: |
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I go to the doctor and her says I'm going into cardiac arrest
So I take my MP3 player and push play
My doctor tells me I should rest
But because of music I'm livin today |
I think these are the best lines of the poem. A tad teenage-angsty, but that can be music in general sometimes. The first five lines are unnecessary, and I think they should be deleted because it makes the same point the second part does, but not as clearly. And not as cool 
Actually, I think the four lines I quoted above could stand alone as their own and be a nice little poem. ^_^ |
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burncourt
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| Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 12:02 pm Post subject: Your post |
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| I think that it was thought-out but as you said quickly explained. Take some time and a breather and fine tune it. Fix grammar and little stuff to reword it and make it clear |
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Audy
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| Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 12:38 am Post subject: |
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I like this, it's cute! And I get it, or at least I think I do. The music kept her heart beating no? It's a really interesting idea, I do love it, but maybe it's because I'm so into music myself, that I can relate. xD
| Quote: |
Music is my life
As my heart beats
The sounds flow
My heart stops
The Music goes |
I like this...don't delete it. I suggest you change little things like 'sounds' to 'sound' and then 'flow' to 'flows', that would make it sound better.
| Quote: |
I go to the doctor and her says I'm going into cardiac arrest
So I take my MP3 player and push play
My doctor tells me I should rest
But because of music I'm livin today |
I suggest you play around with this part. Like the others suggest, try shortening the first line. Maybe, 'Doctor says I'm going into cardiac arrest'...or something. And living*
Anyway, I like this Good job, you should definitely revise this, maybe add a little more and let me know when you've finished, cause I'd love to read the final product. |
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my_wonderwall
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| Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 6:10 am Post subject: |
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i do like this. i feel the same way sometimes about music. without it i am pretty much nothing. it understands me more than anyone else, even myself sometimes. but it seems like not alot of effort was put into this but i might be wrong. it just looks like something that came off the top of your head and there's nothing wrong with that but it seems like theres something missing.
maybe this will help:
-be more specific - say music instead of it or put whatever "it" is that you lose. you could say something like "i just lose control" rather than i lose it.
- instead of putting we're one you could put we are one. to me it just sounds better because its longer. but thats just me.
- To live I need music
Because music is my life -this is like you're repeating yourself almost. instead of saying because music is my life you could say something like because music makes me me. or because music understands me. or because is my passion. etc.etc.
i hope i've helped! |
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