Sela Locke
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Apr 2008
Posts: 169
Reviews: 97
Country: somewhere deep in the Pacific.
485 Points
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 Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 6:39 pm Post subject: |
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I'm not one for nitpicking, so I won't, but...
Like a ton of stories these days, this is ridiculously fast-paced. Everyone seems to be bi-polar, and none of them seem to realize they're trying to act real, not like actors in a bad soap-opera.
The premise is cool - I've always adored Greek Myths and everything to do with them - but the way you develop the characters just doesn't work. 'Soft blue eyes'? Every single guy who a gal falls in love with seems to have soft - or deep - blue eyes. Why can't they be muddy green, like a swamp? Or a really hideous ORANGE color? Anything but blue!
Also, the whole 'shoulder-length blonde hair' is getting moldy. Just like with his eyes - why can't his hair be mousy-brown, or like Steve Martin, where it's just gotten white really fast? Pretty much every beautiful boy has blue eyes and blonde hair.
So yeah, what you need to work on is originality, and slowing down. Trust me, I know about slowing down - I have that problem myself. x-x
TIP: What I do, after a finishing a certain part, is go back to the beginning of that part, and reading through it. Then picture the characters, the background, and what they say, and ask yourself 'Is this realistic?
Anyhow, I must be going. Good luck with your story! ^_^
-SELA |
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"I don't," he complained, "understand why I have to be the stupid guy."
"Well, that makes one of us, doesn't it?"
-Delys; Lliestt |
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Angel of Death
I love you. I swear I do.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 872
Reviews: 409
Country: Where the big star in the sky doesn't leave
1533 Points
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:21 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the review Sela but I don't think I'm going to finish this. Its been written a long time ago and the idea has been abandoned but if I do pick this up again, I'll heed your suggestions.
~Angel |
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"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me |
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