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Mei (working title) - Prologue
Mei (working title) - Prologue

by happy-go-lucky in Historical Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Historical Fiction

This thread was created on November 25, 2007
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Temperature Drop
Topic ID: 22567
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 12:23 am    Post subject: Temperature Drop Reply with quote

TEMPERATURE DROP ~

The temperature outside was falling quicker than ever, almost doubling the speed of the Cyclone’s descent. A chill dove through Harry Guy Traver’s back, but before it crashed to the ground it circled up again, resurfacing for a catch of breath. The near empty train aboard the Cyclone did the same, cutting through the quiet evening with its expression of rage. The roller coaster held a certain presence (an ego, really) that one could sense upon entering the park – you were on its turf. A wide-eyed guest would board, accepting a challenge, unaware of the proceeding shock. Guests on the train would all shriek together, a resounding surrender to the machine, all equal as its prey. A satisfied euphoria would follow (unless you required the in-station nurse) until you stand in line again. But the cold was coming in, and the calm that precedes it silenced the public. The Cyclone was to be torn down.

On this thought, Harry Traver sat from his vantage point on a park bench, the groups of romancing teens and gleeful children rushing past through Crystal Beach Park. Ignoring his ultimate creation, they appealed more to Lake Erie and the concession stands, an army of protesters tired of the Cyclone’s rule. The beachfront was closing up, and the ballroom was just opening – providing easier exclusion of the coaster, a fortress under the curtain of live music and flowing dresses. The crowds flocked to the party, leaving a mere handful of patrons to stroll the main park. The near silence brought Harry back to his thoughts, a quick stride back to his reality. He made the excursion up to Ontario for this final night, yet it was oddly unsatisfying seeing his masterpiece entertaining so few. He came to show respect for a fallen soldier, a final ode to his success, but the darker the sky fell the less he felt like riding. How could he ride it now?

Then, not far away from Harry, a man and his pregnant wife exited the Ballroom, carrying the kind of carefree expressions that brought a childlike giggle to the lone man. Their glee brought new questions to mind. What did they think of his coaster? Were they here to ride it? It seemed doubtful. Now one year after the endless Depression and War, everyone wanted simple lives: lives with children, lives where they could live comfortably without pushing their boundaries past known limits. The woman’s belly told him that was their intention as well, and a smirk crossed Harry’s features. Of course they wouldn’t be interested in his giant thrill ride – they were like the others at Revere Beach and Palisades Park who lost necessity for the same ride years ago. They must be.

“No Judy, I won’t let you ride. You’re soon to be a mother; you don’t want to hurt the baby, do you? Watch me from the ground.”

“I know, Walt! I’m more responsible than you seem to think.”

A flock of seagulls then landed near the woman, a shock, and the selfless husband protected her with gently waving arms, steady and even. It was seagulls that inspired Harry to enter the twisted amusement business: their rolling wavelengths were the spark of imagination that inspired a carnival ride, the ride that would later evolve new dimensions to the roller coaster. It initiated a sharp sense of closure for him to see the birds so near to the knotted mess of the Cyclone. The birds departed, unobstructing Harry's view.

Judy strode right for Harry’s bench, and as a suited gentleman he gave her room, but still wondered if she really felt how he did about tonight. Did they make the same pilgrimage? Did they see the newspaper adverts, the billboards, or the cinema promotions? Did they truly care for the Crystal Beach Cyclone?

“How’s it going, Hun’?” Judy’s dark, wide–curled hair bobbed as she spoke, a harsh tone to her voice, but not offensively so. She gave direct eye contact, a friendly smile, and a handshake – confident as no one Harry had met.

“I’m doing well, thank you, Miss.”

“Oh, aren’t you a sweetheart! You have a name?”

“The name’s Harry Traver, and I designed that roller coaster your husband is riding.”

Her face lifted up in a grin, the moonlight highlighting the temporary folds of her skin. Fixed in this position, she continued, saying ‘he was a true genius, then, for anyone who could design such a thrill must have incredible personal strength.’ Harry diverted his eyes, breaking their hold. He smiled, and hoped she wouldn't see his pleasure in the compliment.

“Hey, I mean it. When I first met my husband, Walt, we would march down the midway hand-in-hand, admiring the Cyclone. He wouldn't ride it but I finally convinced him, and we bonded so close, leaving our bodies and succumbing to the thrill together. He then left for the war, and I paused my life, waiting for him to return. I came back here alone, and rode the coaster to feel what he felt in war, to bridge us closer. Mine was a different kind of fear, though, for I knew I was safe. Well, to my surprise he came back, and - Oh how we celebrated! We decided to start a family, but before we could settle down we needed to return to our origin, where our love began: on your roller coaster."

A settling feeling rushed down his stomach, crashing over the turbulence like the waves of the nearby lake. Maybe his coaster wasn’t a complete disappointment, a failure, like he so often thought. Might the temperature rise again?

Judy rose up at the sight of Walt exiting the queue. He laid his arm around her shoulders, but she directed him back to Harry and introduced them to each other. Walt had short, neat blonde hair, and a rigid expression as if he covered a softer one behind. He stood tall and straight, but seemed relaxed in his disposition. He spoke.

“It’s very nice to meet you, sir. It’s good to see the man behind the creation.” He gestured behind him, but his eyes darkened. “I’ll tell you honestly that I can’t enjoy the ride anymore. After every thing I’ve felt, which I’m sure my wife told you of, I don’t want to feel so lightheaded and euphoric anymore, I want my mind to stay level. Not to mention my feet to stay level with the ground, too!” He laughed. “You've heard Herb Shmeck is re-profiling it into a gentler, safer coaster? I think it's for the best, to have something our family can ride together. I try not to be too bold or forward in saying this, but I think the Cyclone’s glory is over.”

“Walter! That ride might as well be this man’s birth child! Excuse me, but --”

Judy continued, but Harry beamed, thinking of what to say. He said what felt most right: ‘Thank you for the truth’. He couldn't ride it now, so he departed for the exit. His new friends were across the park now, apologetically holding each other and swaying in the moonlight, the way he once watched sea birds do. He was confident that the amusement industry would rise again, like he was that Walt and Judy would live a happy life. He knew he contributed to both.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 11, 2007 2:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, green_river!

This was a really cool story- sentimental, but without being cheesy. I thought the couple were amazing characters...the psychology behind the woman's need to ride the coaster was excellently done.

Just two quick things:

DO I KNOW YOU?

The woman is pretty eager to speak to Harry. Shockingly eager, actually- and friendly! Usually there's a bit of an awkward pause before strangers introduce each other.

If you have a pause, this is a good way to preserve the fact that you don't have any dialogue tags. This makes things difficult in the sense that your readers can't slow down when reading the exchange- and having no intro just makes it seem understated. If you have a bit of an intro ('she shifted awkwardly' or 'she opened her mouth to speak'), it would slow things down.

TALKING BOOKS

The other problem I had with the woman's dialogue was that it didn't really sound like...dialouge.

Quote:
“Hey, I mean it. When I first met my husband, Walt, we would march down the midway hand-in-hand, admiring the Cyclone. He wouldn't ride it but I finally convinced him, and we bonded so close, leaving our bodies and succumbing to the thrill together. He then left for the war, and I paused my life, waiting for him to return. I came back here alone, and rode the coaster to feel what he felt in war, to bridge us closer. Mine was a different kind of fear, though, for I knew I was safe. Well, to my surprise he came back, and - Oh how we celebrated! We decided to start a family, but before we could settle down we needed to return to our origin, where our love began: on your roller coaster."


It sounds a lot more like first-person narration than an actual quotation, due to the fact that one of the first words out of her mouth in this story was 'hun'. In this quotation, you have "five dollar words" like 'succumbed'. Unless your character is an English major, it's not something she's likely to use.

Quote:
"When I first met Walt, we'd march down the midway hand-in-hand, looking at that fancy roller coaster of yours. He wouldn't ride it- he was chicken- but I finally convinced him." She sighed. "We bonded so close, holding each other and screaming."


You also have to look at sentence structure when writing dialogue. People don't speak grammatically perfectly- they often speak without thinking and forget things and have to add them in, or lose their train of thought. Sentences in dialogue are bound to be shorter and choppier because that's the way people think. Unless your character has prepared a monologue, it's probably going to be sweet and simple.

___

Another good story, green_river! Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions or want me to take a look at something else. ^_^

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 11:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, I thought that this was really good and imaginative. I don't have anything to say that Sam hasn't said, but I really liked it.

Thanks for a great read.

Keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 12:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I can't really ofer you much train of thought for grammar or sentence structure, just to think carefully about what your characters say a bit more. Take LotR for example: The books are fantastic, I hope you'll agree, but the dialogue can be very unrealistic in parts. Half the things that the charcters said I could I hardly put in narrative lol.

I thought you presented us with a really fun and interesting story to read. It was very well worded and the description was spot on!

Good Luck

Mark

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 7:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think you should find a better word for the first sentence than "quicker". It makes your story sound childish or awkward. It was also impossible to know what the temperature had to do with a huge, big roller coaster called the Cyclone, either. Besides that I really liked the ending. It made me feel like I understood Harry but not them, and was completely understanding. Very good writing. It wasn't even in large paragraphs, all bulked together. It was easy to read, unlike mine, I always forget to keep it all from getting clustered.

I thought it was a little unclear how seagulls could inspire Harry into the amusement park business. Also how is it he felt failure before? This part was also very unclear to me.

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PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 8:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent work................well done.....Nothing really wrong

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