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Because - Chap. 15
Because - Chap. 15

by KJ in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on November 24, 2007
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Chasing Rainbows Chapter 5
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 6
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 7
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Chasing Rainbows Chapter 9
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 10
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 11
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Chasing Rainbows Chapter 13
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Chasing Rainbow Chapter 21
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Chasing Rainbows Chapter 4 (Revised)

Chasing Rainbows Chapter 22

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 10:36 pm    Post subject: Chasing Rainbows Chapter 22 Reply with quote

FINALLY I'M DONE!!!! This is end of part 1, hope I've still got it, anyway enjoy. Smile

******

Chapter 22

A kettle whistled shrilly. Here bony fingers lifted it and poured it into a small gaudy cup and saucer. The herbs at the bottom mixed with water and created an aromatic scent. He took a sip of the horrible concoction and twisted his face as the taste hit him. It was this though that kept him well, so he drank it all before leaving the cup for the servants to deal with.

Goram could only smirk he was going to be left, in charge of this estate, while Master Jared fled. Wilfred Lyons had always known his son come out bad and the poor misguided fool didn’t realize how much he’d been right. Master Lyons had killed Salvadore and from what he heard from his, various sources he’d also burned down the home. However, one thing Goram had noted, his master had returned (somehow differently seemingly) further away. His master had appeared afraid and he had saw the fool shouting at nothing, then once realizing someone was there creating a visible, weak and pathetic façade. He was then immediately informed of Jared’s choice to leave with his (escort/whore). The son who had learnt nothing yet and if Goram knew people he knew he would never see Jared Lyons alive again. The girl Sierra, she’d fought back and bitten him. The wails of the master were cruelly pleasant. His master had begged him to help and Goram had kept his mask of ‘kind obeying pawn’. He remembered his first command after mourning the death of the old fool. It was to kill Jared’s cousin (Ryian’s) children and feed them to him. It was then here he’d first found his taste for pain and despair and the cries of those souls had invigorated him. The reaction when Ryian found he’d eaten his children was bliss.

Before he had been weak, and had been liked by Jared father a solid and studious worker. He obeyed and never once questioned this existence until he first felt the beauty and wonder of pain from another person. Goram stood up and decided to check on his all gracious master, before the coward ran away. He was old, and remembered how the old house had been run. Full of life and richness the smell now was of despair, hopelessness. He knew these didn’t smell but by the previous owner it had smelt as if hope was alive in every room.

Walking down the hall, he heard his master shouting again, no doubt at thin air. Arriving at the study, he knocked twice before entering. Jared Lyons resumed a calm air, but any fool could see he was afraid he kept shifting his eyes around nervously, “What can I do for you Goram, my loyal butler?” Even his manner had changed, he was different no doubt about it, the way he held himself now was foiled by his eyes constantly shifting around his head.

Goram took great pleasure in his master mentality, "When you want me to get the slut..." He coughed "Your escort."

Jared hadn't noticed this at all and just nodded his eyes fixed on the far corner. He smirked walking out, closed the door a jar peeking inside half closed entrance to see his master now bent down on his knees begging, "Please... stop this haunting, I'll never kill again."

He doubled over in laughter, if he was going to get a new master he'd rather have a strong one. Then again he was handling himself better without authority. Goram moved away from the door and down the hall seeing Jared cruellest masterpiece a young girl that was a slave, but when she was bought by him. His master had lied saying he was going to free her. When he raped that innocent soul that night, her soul was destroyed and all that was left is the waif he saw in front. She stared at him from across the window her eyes listless and empty - devoid of any emotion. Though he knew inside her tattered concience was screaming ghost. She just stood staring at him, "A man with no hope and who is pure of heart has nothing to lose." Goram stared at her crytic messages were all she spoke.

Growling in anger he struck her across the face, hard, “Speak only when spoken to.” The girl fell from the blow but carefully stood up within a second, her eyes devoid of any emotions. Goram stared incredulous at her the battered and bruised waif that once screamed in torment of his tortures, “Say anything more I’ll give you over to Jared.”

A smirk appeared in the girls eyes and face, “What, the looney man! His brain is so slowly dying and poor Goram believes that he’s getting left here with all the young nubile torture victim.”

Goram stared at her shivering, “You know something.”

Her voice left her mournfully, “A man with no hope and who is pure of heart has nothing to lose."

Suddenly he grabbed her by the neck and lifted her a foot from the ground. Her eyes still passive and empty, “Missy just quit talking!”

Getting angrier and angrier at her complete lack of any kind of emotion, not fear, not anger, not even loathing, he tightened his grip of her neck, squeezing and marking her pretty skin with his filthy fingernails

The girl struggled to breath but let out more cryptic words, “Fate is near and no one can hide.”

Growling with such fury Goram tightening his grip on the frail girls neck he pushed all strength into his hands ready to crush the life from her. When he felt a sharp searing sensation come from his back then move over to his front. He looked down and saw a sword pushing out his gut. He swayed blood staining the floor. His only words horrible gurgling. The crimson flow congealing on his lips as he gurgled. Smiling the girl spoke those words again, “A man with no hope and who is pure of heart has nothing to lose."

He turned to see the hate of hell it’s self. The man he’d saw with the blond haired girl. Goram felt his feelings vanish from his hand and the girl fell. Eyes rolled back he died.

Eolen stared at the butler for a few second before pulling out the sword he’d found. He hadn’t thought he was capable of killing someone. The sword in his told a different story it shone with red rivers. With a great clatter he threw sword down and walked to the girl. Her eyes opened she tried to sit up but was unable too, “Love isn’t a shield against all…” The girl eyes filled with such emotion and innocence then she continued. “…Goodbye Mummy and Daddy I’ll be back soon, I promise.” Her eyes closed with one stray tear falling before her life left.

Standing up Eolen felt such remorse. His eyes were wet. He kept blinking. The poor girl only in death was she allowed to show feeling. Tears fell from his own eyes; this girl shouldn’t have died so young but yet knowing so much at that age. Then again here he was being forced to join up and fight against his own people. Sighing he walked from the girl corpse, he couldn’t do anything.

********

The women brushed her long hair out her eyes, her clothes of the indentured class. A grey dress and a rather drab blouse covered with soot and years of grime. Her manner of movement was very polite. She was careful to lift her dress up to her ankles when she approached puddles. Her name was Cassandra and though she’d been paid a pittance and was indentured to a cruel man, her life hadn’t been too bad. That was until she’d seen the monster - the handsome man, Jared Lyons. Her eyes begged to hold and embrace him, but being polite she never dared. Surely a man of such high and rich life wouldn’t bed a woman of such low class, no matter how beautiful she appeared. A month passed and one night he entered her room. Her clothes were off as she was about to bathe. They made love. It was that night she’d seen his evil the things he’d asked her to do. How horrible. Her fantasy of the beast had never been so rough so terrifying. He used her body like a tool ignoring her cries of pain – not ecstasy. Then after that night after night he continued, it wasn’t enough he taken her innocence with his lecherous fingers no he had to carry on daily. It wasn’t left to just when the sun went down, he’d get them alone, or if alone already commence it, the bastard arousing her fooling her into thinking this time would be different. The acts just became more and more horrible, he didn’t seem to care whether he hurt her seriously as long as he could thrust into her; all was fine. She had just kept falling for his charm and charisma. He was so handsome, how could someone that beautiful be so evil? The scars disfigured her once gorgeous form. Now though she despised him, hated him. He’d taken everything from her. Salvadore had never been a bad man just misguided. She’d felt safe with him, was no one safe from the monster.

Her plan now was stow away on some ship to Ranna Lands and run from all this. She had experience in many matters and if she married someone high up enough she could forget this sordid past. The war wasn’t a problem either; she’d worked it all out. Just get out the country first then worry about any other problems. She found out from various people that it took three months to reach. So maybe she’d get pally with one of the crew by then. Nothing wrong with having pleasure after all she had done to her.

Exiting alleyway she entered the wharf. Only one travel ship was available, just over the horizon another one could be seen sailing away. She cursed not arriving earlier. She lifted her dress and ran down the pier. Fresh salty water crashing against the wooden supports, already threatening to fall, a strong smell of salt and fish, a beautiful and wonderful star filled sky. The creaking of old wood as she ran down the pier, with the barely audible shouting of sailor’s and slavers preparing ships to sail.

She came to the ship.

Cassandra descended the gangway, cautiously avoiding the guard on deck. She flew through the door to the hold. The ship’s rocking knocking her balance off kilter. She found a patch behind some heavy crates and decided this would be perfect place. Laying down she closed the porthole above so as not to get rude awakening during storm it would be a long journey, should she look for food?

*******

With one long hopeless sigh Sierra turned from recruitment office, her only love was now gone, for good. Her headache had worsened now and she had dizzy spells to contend with. Not that bothered if her death was near, then so be it. All life had done was take everything she’d cared for been snatched away. She even missed her brother arrogance, at least he’d have faired better in all this.

Jared kept looking around as if he felt he was being followed and speed up his pace. Emanating an air of agitation. His eye constantly shifting and mumbling incomprehensible garbage She had packed some frugal processions and clothes. Right now she was wearing leather shoes and light trousers tight on waistline, a heavy woollen jersey with a bra under. She still felt the cold hard grip of the icy wind.

Jared was wrapped up all in black, his trousers reaching right to his ankles. A dinner jacket over his shoulder partially buttoned up and under a fine white shirt with two rubies as cufflinks. Round his neck was his tie (the colours of fuchsia, with the crest of crest of Loka’saw a sword piercing a tome of power) stating his membership of the Government.

Magic was forbidden because of war, religion had won against common sense. Since they considered magic a form of high treason. Anyone practicing so called magic’s be hunted down and cast out as heretics or slaughtered in name of religion

Sierra father Antio felt that it was better being neutral they’d never stated beliefs. Yet so many deaths related to her, and indeed her brother. There was also whole situation concerning the mysterious contact Lawrence, what was his action in this web of deceit and lies. Was he the puppeteer of this show or merely another flunky to someone higher up?

Though it could be worse right not like her life had been terrible-- but oh god how she missed Eolen, his smooth touch…-- but the bastard was no where he could help her-- why care about poor fucking Sierra!?

They exited the alley, her rage growing intensely, eyes filled with such fury scanning for any possible weapon. Though as they walked her rage faltered with each step and as they climbed the gangway and boarded the ship. Jared’s mind seemed elsewhere. The look in the monsters eyes was fear. He barely registered she was near him just opened door inside of ship and cabins and pushed her in with his foot. Sierra shrieked and pushed her hands down stopping her face hitting the rough wooden floor. Her eyes surveyed her new surroundings. It was a hall with a number of doors each side and right down the end was another door labelled ‘hold’. When she gained a closer examination of a door she saw it had a number hammered on rather crudely if she had any idea, she’d say these were numbered for each member of crew. Further down the passageway she saw doors announcing rooms like, ‘Kitchen, Dining Room, Captain Quarters, etc…’

As she took all this in she heard movement.

It appeared to be coming from ‘The Hold’. Sierra feet wouldn’t obey and she couldn’t blame them, but her curiosity was stifling. She pushed her feet to obey and timidly approached ‘The Hold’. Her hands shook as she turned the handle slowly. First she thought it was locked, but the handle then turned. With her shoulder she pushed. It flew open; she heard a startled gasp. Descending the stairs she looked around. The room was so vast, full of crates carrying various resources. These crates were all shapes and sizes piled up at precarious angles. From up at the ceiling light shone from a grated trap door.

Following the sound she soon heard low breathing. She approached the thing carefully judging size as she neared the crates it was behind.

All of sudden it jumped out wild eyed clutching a knife screaming “Die you fucking bastard!”

Sierra stared so surprised and scared. The thing was actually a women, she stopped just with the knife bare inches from Sierra’s neck.

Carefully pulling knife away the women tried to retreat back behind crates. Sierra grabbed her arm before she could. The women growled and held the knife lethally at Sierra.

Time passed but the women stood fast, her clothes of a maid most likely, the eyes wild with such vehemence. Sierra gulped but she had try so coughed, “I’m not going to hurt you.”

The women seemed unmoving but again the knife fell away, “I saw Jared Lyons come on, where is he?”

Puzzled Sierra was by this behaviour, “I can understand reason for having a vendetta against him, but why kill me.”

A slight sneer appeared on the women lips, “Why would I kill person who’s going to help me.”

Shrugging Sierra tried to work out what to do, the women spoke, “I’m Cassandra and you are?”

“Si---“ She halted, maybe better not tell Cassandra her real name, “Sarah.”

Her eyebrows rose slightly, but nothing more was made of it, “Tell me Sarah what did Jared Lyons do to you!” She didn’t want to tell Cassandra, she partly blamed herself, why advertise her weakness, “Oh just in case you didn’t realize it was a command.”

Cassandra smiled to herself, if she couldn’t kill Jared; here was perfect scapegoat the perfect way to get her revenge on that bastard. It would be all too easy to corrupt this innocent thing. Laughing in her mind. She listened as the girl told her everything.


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 6:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Twas good, discribes how cruel he really was and now how badly his charactor has been beaten, he is close to going crazy now it seems if he isn't already!!!!!!!

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 11:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another epic chapter. :p
I liked the end section, but then I like people jumping out with knives lol. Cliff hangers are gooooood....
Cassandra is scary. and a bit psycho... bit that's all good.
Jared's losing it, I see. (yay!) Cassandra might be sad about that, though.


Quote:
women lips

you mean woman's lips.
Woman- single
Women- plural Wink


Quote:
Sierra gulped but she had try so coughed, “I’m not going to hurt you.”

this sentence just doesn't flow. Try 'Seirra gulped, nervous. But she knew she had to try so she coughed....'

Quote:
The women growled and held the knife lethally at Sierra.

Held a knofe lethally? we know knives are lethal, but maybe 'held the knife dangerously close?' or 'at a lethal distance?' or 'with lethal intent?'

if you haven't noticed, I'm working from the bottom up XD

Quote:
on rather crudely if she had any idea,
this sounds like tow sentences, yet it has no join or break.

Quote:
‘Kitchen, Dining Room, Captain Quarters, etc…’
put the ' after quarters Wink


Quote:
Though it could be worse right not like her life had been terrible-
Try 'though it could be worse, right, it's not like her life had been terrible....'

Quote:
jersey with a bra under.
Wait..... what time is this? didn't they just bind it with long strips of linen, or something....?

I like the first paragraph of this section. Well written.

the first paragraph of the second to last section is a bit long, though. try breaking it up.

Quote:
from the girl corpse,

girl's


Quote:
The poor girl only in death
maybe the poor girl- only in death was she allowed to show feeling.


Quote:
unable too, “Love isn’t a shield against all…”

to. I like her dialogue though. Poor girl. Sad

Quote:
hate of hell it’s self.

itself.

Quote:
struggled to breath
breathe.

....look at me. Gone all anti-typo Shocked

I like that girl, she's very well done. Pity she had to die

Crying or Very sad

Over all, another good chapter. -pokes- just don't take so long with the next one, eh?

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 4:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I couldn't finish all of it... but...

It was awesome...

And if you need help tell me... because we did discuss a TON of ideas a while back, but I'll help you. Carradyne, it's murdering me, there is so much going on in it.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 03, 2007 10:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Vernon. What's up and grats for finishing your first book.

I'll first discuss the things that I like in this piece. Firstly, your descriptions. It is evident that you've invested a lot of time and effort into the way you showed us the environment and it really did paid off. I can picture things very well and at times, I consider it to be quite atmospheric. I was quite drawn into your story and I kept reading along the way. Good job on that.

Secondly, the way you handled telling. I actually liked it! The telling in the story was very well done and added a lot of substance and depth to it. It allows us, the reader to gain a greater appreciation as to the themes and ideas that were presented in this chapter. I believe it really makes the reader think between and beyond the lines, for you had developed the themes/ ideas very well.

Thirdly is duality. Everything that happened in this chapter happened for a reason. You did not resolve to things like desu ex machina nor magic to resolve conflicts, but rather resorting to human nature and using their morales and beliefs. You have that human element in the fantasy that gives it this realism compared to most other fantasies. Kudos for that.

Now for the things that I did not like.

Firstly is dialogue. In some parts, I thought the dialogue was well written. In others, it screams generic and typical. I think you can spend more thing thinking up of a more creative and compelling way to express the dialogue. Make it seem a bit more natural and unique.

Secondly is the way you defined your characters. Now don't get me wrong, I liked the way the characters all reacted with the conflicts around them. However, you focused so much on torturing your characters that you didn't actually defined them as a character as strongly. I don't know how to explain it properly, but I think the word "individuality"would work here. Basically, the individuality aspect of the characters are not very strong, because the conflicts and themes that linger in your story overpower them as an individual. This causes characters to feel black and white and not as complex as we hoped. I think you can actually show them more as an individual. Make them stand out more in the black and white text so that they are not just puppets of your story, but like real people. It would be that much more devastating.

Overall Vernon, it was written in a decent manner, and I hope my critique helped you.

Andy.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2007 6:22 am    Post subject: Re: Chasing Rainbows Chapter 22 Reply with quote

Sorry this took so long

Vernon wrote:


******

Chapter 22
A kettle whistled shrilly. Here bony fingers lifted it and poured it into a small gaudy cup and saucer. The herbs at the bottom mixed with water and created an aromatic scent. He took a sip of the horrible concoction and twisted his face as the taste hit him. It was this, though[color]red],[/color] that kept him well, so he drank it all before leaving the cup for the servants to deal with.

Goram could only smirk he was going to be left, in charge of this estate, while Master Jared fled. Wilfred Lyons had always known his son coame out bad and the poor misguided fool didn’t realize how much he’d been right. Master Lyons had killed Salvadore and from what he heard from his, various sources he’d also burned down the home. However, one thing Goram had noted, his master had returned (somehow different,ly seemingly) further away. His master had appeared afraid and he had saw the fool shouting at nothing, then once realizing someone was there creating a visible, weak and pathetic façade. He was then immediately informed of Jared’s choice to leave with his (escort/whore). The son who had learnt nothing yet and if Goram knew people, he knew he would never see Jared Lyons alive again. The girl Sierra, she’d fought back and bitten him. The wails of the master were cruelly pleasant. His master had begged him to help and Goram had kept his mask of the ‘kind obeying pawn’. He remembered his first command after mourning the death of the old fool. It was to kill Jared’s cousin (Ryian’s) children and feed them to him. It was then here he’d first found his taste for pain and despair and the cries of those souls had invigorated him. The reaction when Ryian found he’d eaten his children was bliss.


I dont really like having things in (). I think it needs to be integrated into the story cause otherwise it is a side note that takes away from the main story.

Quote:
Before he had been weak, and had been liked by Jared's father a solid and studious worker. He obeyed and never once questioned this existence until he first felt the beauty and wonder of pain from another person. Goram stood up and decided to check on his all gracious master, before the coward ran away. He was old, and remembered how the old house had been run. Full of life and richness the smell now was of despair, hopelessness. He knew these didn’t smell but by the previous owner it had smelt as if hope was alive in every room.


I didn't think you needed that sentence at the end

Quote:
Walking down the hall, he heard his master shouting again, no doubt at thin air. Arriving at the study, he knocked twice before entering. Jared Lyons resumed a calm air, but any fool could see he was afraid; he kept shifting his eyes around nervously, “What can I do for you Goram, my loyal butler?” Even his manner had changed, he was different, no doubt about it, the way he held himself now was foiled by his eyes constantly shifting around his head.

Goram took great pleasure in his master's mentality, "When do you want me to get the slut..." He coughed "Your escort."

Jared hadn't noticed this at all and just nodded his eyes fixed on the far corner. He smirked walking out, closed the door a jar peeking inside half closed entrance to see his master now bent down on his knees begging, "Please... stop this haunting, I'll never kill again."


The blue part made no sense. It confused me and I just could not figure it out.

Quote:
He doubled over in laughter, if he was going to get a new master he'd rather have a strong one. Then again he was handling himself better without authority. Goram moved away from the door and down the hall seeing Jared's cruellest masterpiece, a young girl that was a slave, but when she was brought by him. His master had lied saying he was going to free her. When he raped that innocent soul that night, her soul was destroyed and all that was left is the waif he saw in front. She stared at him from across the window her eyes listless and empty - devoid of any emotion. Though he knew inside her tattered concience was screaming ghost. She just stood staring at him, "A man with no hope and who is pure of heart has nothing to lose." Goram stared at her crytic messages were all she spoke.

Growling in anger he struck her hard across the face, hard[s], “Speak only when spoken to.” The girl fell from the blow, but carefully stood up within [s]a seconds, her eyes devoid of any emotions. Goram stared incredulous at her, the battered and bruised waif that once screamed in torment of his tortures, “Say anything more I’ll givehand you over to Jared.”

A smirk appeared in the girls eyes and face, “What, the looney man! His brain is so slowly dying and poor Goram believes that he’s getting left here with all the young nubile torture victim.”
Goram stared at her shivering, “You know something.”

Her voice left her mournfully, “A man with no hope and who is pure of heart has nothing to lose."

Suddenly he grabbed her by the neck and lifted her a foot from the ground. Her eyes still passive and empty, “Missy, just quit talking!”


Missy doesn’t really match the tone of the chapter, I would expect a more vulgar term from Goram.

Quote:
Getting angrier and angrier at her complete lack of any kind of emotion, not fear, not anger, not even loathing, he tightened his grip of her neck, squeezing and marking her pretty skin with his filthy fingernails

The girl struggled to breath but let out more cryptic words, “Fate is near and no one can hide.”

Growling with such fury Goram tightening his grip on the frail girls neck he pushed all strength into his hands ready to crush the life from her. When he felt a sharp searing sensation come from his back then move over to his front. He looked down and saw a sword pushing out his gut. He swayed blood staining the floor. His only words horrible gurgling. The crimson flow congealing on his lips as he gurgled. Smiling the girl spoke those words again, “A man with no hope and who is pure of heart has nothing to lose."

He turned to see the hate of hell it’sitself. The man he’d saw with the blond haired girl. Goram felt his feelings vanish from his hand and the girl fell. Eyes rolled back he died.

Eolen stared at the butler for a few seconds before pulling out the sword he’d found. He hadn’t thought he was capable of killing someone. The sword in his hand told a different story as it shone with red rivers. With a great clatter he threw sword down and walked to the girl. Her eyes opened she tried to sit up but was unable too, “Love isn’t a shield against all…” The girl eyes filled with such emotion and innocence then she continued. “…Goodbye Mummy and Daddy I’ll be back soon, I promise.” Her eyes closed with one stray tear falling before her life left.

Standing up Eolen felt such remorse. His eyes were wet. He kept blinking. The poor girl only in death was she allowed to show feeling. Tears fell from his own eyes; this girl shouldn’t have died so young but yet knowing so much at that age. Then again here he was being forced to join up and fight against his own people. Sighing he walked from the girl corpse, he couldn’t do anything.


I read this and the majority of the mistakes are repetitive as far as missed words and a missed comma. A quick read through should help you catch them and correct it.

The point of view is much more jumpy in this chapter, I’d have to go with omniscient because you drift from person to person. It’s like your telling the story as the all-knowing being. I think it works for this story, but you have to make the characters a little more defined as far as thought process and personality. Now each character has their own personality, but to really help pull the all-knowing point of view together it helps if each character can be easily identified by their personal traits. An example is Quinn, her speech and attitude sets her well apart from the other characters.

My main concern is flow and speed; everything feels rather rushed. But I think that is due to the flow. You need to keep an eye on unnecessary words and phrases because it drags down the story and makes it feel awkward.

I think some revision and minor edits throughout will fix most of the problems. Really try and expand on the characters, that will really add a boast to the story as a whole and help give it a little more depth and identity.

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This thread was created on November 24, 2007

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