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Dragon
Dragon

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This thread was created on November 24, 2007
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Chapter 1: Not a morning person
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Charlie II   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 5:33 pm    Post subject: Chapter 1: Not a morning person Reply with quote

Chapter 1

Not a morning person.

Reagan landed with a thump at the foot of the stairs and rushed into the hall. He hated mornings. One hand struggled into his shirt sleeve and the other snatched his house keys from the table as he passed. He stopped at the front door. Here, he could hear the ferocity of the weather outside. Very wet. He needed a coat.

“Shit,” he said. “I’m gonna be late.”

Reagan swore aloud, but not above a whisper. His dad was upstairs, asleep, but the rules of politeness still applied while he was in the house. He checked his watch and hurried back down the hall, into the kitchen.

The door swung open and Reagan flicked on the lights. The laminate flooring was cold on his feet, and Reagan reminded himself to find some warmer socks. The first thing he saw on the sideboard was an unfinished Snickers bar. He sniffed it, folded over the opening of the packet, and stuffed it into his pocket. Breakfast.

Another quick glance picked out nothing of interest, just a mass of letters and utility bills. Scattered around the sheets were empty cans of lager. Dead-ones, as his father called them. Judging by the number of dead-ones, the bills weren’t good this month.

Reagan stepped round the table and opened the cupboard door. It was dark inside. The light that was meant to illuminate it had long since broken, and neither Reagan or his dad had thought to fix it. As his eyes got used to the gloom, Reagan caught sight of his coat hanging up in the cupboard, beside the boiler.

It was too high to reach. He had thrown it onto the hook to dry after yesterday’s downpour. There was no time to fetch a chair now, but he couldn’t go without it.

“C’mon,” he muttered, “I need you. Now.”

Reagan reached upwards as if he was going to tug it down, but his hand formed a hook in the air, fingers bent.

He bit his lip. It was best just to do it.

“C’mon!”

He flicked his wrist and the coat jumped up, lifted by the collar. Exhilaration ran through Reagan like fire. The coat hovered for a moment, almost unwilling to return to the ground, but Reagan held out his arms and it plunged down into them.

He smiled and pulled it on over his head, not waiting to undo the zip. As soon as it was on, he left the kitchen, pausing only to grab an apple from the fruit bowl and cram it into his pocket. Lunch.

Back in the hall, Reagan looked at his hands. As usual, they were surrounded by a pale white glow.

“Gloves.”

He turned and ran back into the kitchen, his hands trailing lines of faint light, like sparklers. As he rummaged around the cupboard for a pair of gloves, he made the same observation of his palms as he always did after his magic.

“They don’t give off light,” he said as if to assure himself. “It just seems to gather around them.”

Reagan found two gloves and pulled them on, and the streams of white that had chased his hands were extinguished. When his hands were covered, it snuffed out the light they had left behind too. He didn’t understand why, only that it worked.

His watched beeped. 7 o’clock. He was going to be very late. The rehearsal started at half past, and it was at least 45 minutes to the concert hall. Damn.

Reagan slammed shut the cupboard and ran to the front door, cursing at his inability to set an alarm or get organised. His bag lay waiting by his shoes, the sheets of music and his instrument still inside from yesterday. He picked it up and groaned. He’d forgotten to practice.

“Alex is gonna go nuts!”

Whether his last comment had been too loud, or the noise he’d been making downstairs had finally reached the upstairs bedroom, a series of stomps echoed from above. Reagan’s eyes opened wide. Dad was awake.

Without hesitation he wrenched open the door, shoved on his shoes and stepped out into the storm outside.


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Last edited by Charlie II on Thu Dec 20, 2007 9:06 pm; edited 3 times in total
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 7:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, nice, it was well written and I could visulize the what he was doing. But one thing, what kind of instrument????????? I didn't really see anything gramatically wrong, course that could be my brain has yet to wake up. But it was good and I hope to read more soon!!!!!!!!!!

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 10:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

No errors or typos that I could find! Very Happy

Very well done. It was comedic and, not being a morning person myself, could relate perfectly. The scene you described pretty much sums me up in the mornings. I liked how you introduced his magic. You didn't shove it on the reader or announce it in his thoughts. You didn't have him 'call on his power' suddenly to accomplish something, either. You slipped it in with the gloves, which flowed perfectly with the rest of the the scene. And you didn't dwell on it, having him think about his past and about his magic and... you get it, so I'll end my semi-rant. Very Happy

However, there's one part that confused me:

Quote:
“They don’t give off light,” he said as if to assure himself. “It just seems to gather around them.”

By the light of his hands, Reagan found two gloves and pulled them on.


Other than that, nothing. It was good, and even though nothing new really happened until the end (when you mentioned the dad) it still held my attention and kept me entertained. I didn't bust up laughing, of course, but it still made smile.

So. You posted this November 24th. It's now December 20th. Where's number two? Smile

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 9:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, Dreamer and Mabel!

I'll give you both return critiques some time. If you PM me the piece you'd like me to review, I'll try and get it done when I have time Smile .

--Altered the ambiguous sentence that Dreamer found. 20/12/2007

Charlie

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 4:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Charlie. This was pretty well written. It flowed very nicely and quite cohorant on the reader. I also like how the descriptions were also simple in its nature, but allowed the reader to picture what was happening quite vividly.

I actually think that the only flaw of the piece was that you didn't actually take some risks to develop this further. It's good as it is, but not mind blowing.

For example, Reaga seems quite solid as a character at the moment. However, there isn't that x factor, the aspect that defines Reaga further and sets him apart from just being above average. Right now, he isn't very memorable. Maybe you can show us what he is wearing, show us what his room is like etc. Descriptions shouldn't only be there to create a vivid image of what is happening, but to also portray the deeper emotions and traits of a character and the situation of the world they live in. But since this is only the 1st chapter, I won't really expect him to develop so early in the novel. With that said, you did describe what's in a house, but in a way, it relates to his father than the character that we are trying to relate to.

Now for the magic system. Again, since this is only the 1st chapter in the novel, I will not go into greath lengths about it. I think the magic that was performed here could had been elaborated on a wee bit more. With an action, there should be a consequence. The consequence isn't shown as strongly as I hoped, making the magic feel a bit unrealistic and random. Maybe that could be explained in the later chapters, I'm not sure.

Overall, it was ok. Further development of ideas could make this more compelling to read. That's all I have to say.

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 10:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Charlie. Smile

I said I'd give you a crit, but there's no spelling or grammar errors here. They're usually what I focus on. Razz

It's an interesting start, and I'll definitely read more when you put it up. The characters seem interesting, and the hook is good enough that most of the readers will come back for the next chapter.

Scattered around the sheets were empty cans of lager. Dead-ones, as his father called them.

I loved that. Sometimes it's the background information which makes the story, and makes it more believable. That put us into Reagan's world.

He picked it up and groaned. He’d forgotten to practice.

Something vaguely nit-picky here: sentence structure. You start with a He, and then a He'd. Maybe you can vary your beginnings there, or just make it into one sentence. "He picked it up and groaned, realising that he'd forgotten to practice."

Right, that's all I have. And yes, I realise that my crit was completely useless. Wink At least you have...a crit for your ego? Good enough. Laughing

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EDIT: Found something nit-picky again, I admit. But still.

One hand struggled into his shirt sleeve

Ha! Disembodied hand! I knew there would be something else somewhere. Yes, I'll stop.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 3:31 am    Post subject: Re: Chapter 1: Not a morning person Reply with quote

Oh, I liked this! Very well written, and good flow! Well done, mate!

DarkLight wrote:

Reagan swore aloud, but not above a whisper. His dad was upstairs, asleep, but the rules of politeness still applied while he was in the house. He checked his watch and hurried back down the hall, into the kitchen.


He still obeys the rules when his Dad's asleep? A teenager that does that is a rare one indeed. I know I don't...lol

DarkLight wrote:
The door swung open and Reagan flicked on the lights. The laminate flooring was cold on his feet, and Reagan reminded himself to find some warmer socks. The first thing he saw on the sideboard was an unfinished Snickers bar. He sniffed it, folded over the opening of the packet, and stuffed it into his pocket. Breakfast.


heh. I really liked that. Very well done with the characterization. lol

DarkLight wrote:
As his eyes got used to the gloom, Reagan caught sight of his coat hanging up in the cupboard, beside the boiler.


His eyes got used to the gloom? It takes a long time for your eyes to get used to the dark, mate. He'd be standing their staring into the dark for, like, twelve minutes.

DarkLight wrote:

He flicked his wrist and the coat jumped up, lifted by the collar. Exhilaration ran through Reagan like fire. The coat hovered for a moment, almost unwilling to return to the ground, but Reagan held out his arms and it plunged down into them.


I got confused for a moment here; I thought he had actually reached it. Try "...the coat jumped up by itself, lifted by the collar."

DarkLight wrote:

Whether his last comment had been too loud, or the noise he’d been making downstairs had finally reached the upstairs bedroom, a series of stomps echoed from above. Reagan’s eyes opened wide. Dad was awake.

Without hesitation he wrenched open the door, shoved on his shoes and stepped out into the storm outside.


I guess I have to read the next chapter to get that last statement. Does he, like, fear his father or something?

The only thing I have to say is something I say to almost everyone else; as far as the reader knows, your character has a sense of smell. The sense of smell is the only thing that separates "being there" and "watching it." you want to suck us in and put is in your world trhough the eyes of Reagan. Watching a movie is okay, but that's not what the reader's looking for.

But I really liked this, mate! Well done!

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PostPosted: Tue May 06, 2008 11:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really liked this! It was vivid just enough so that you let the readers mind see what they wanted to see, while at the same time we saw what you wanted us to see. Does that make any sense?
Well, anyways, I enjoyed it a lot! It was so smooth and had a perfect flow to it! Plus, I liked how you incorperated the magic into it. It was, in a sense, more realistic than most other ways people introduce magic characters into their stories.

My favorit part was when you wrote, "The first thing he saw on the sideboard was an unfinished Snickers bar. He sniffed it, folded over the opening of the packet, and stuffed it into his pocket. Breakfast." It made me laugh because I can relate to that a lot!

Over all, awesome job! It keeps me on the edge of my seat to read more! Very Happy
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