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The Timekeeper - Prologue
The Timekeeper - Prologue

by cocoboy in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on November 24, 2007
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EliteHusky   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 2:17 pm    Post subject: Thomas Pinewood & The Grail Of Champions:Post Yorkshire Reply with quote

Thomas turned around randomly, he noticed Charlie and William crossing the street beside him. “Thomas!” They called together, happily. Charlie ran towards him faster than William, “What on earth are you doing here!”

As they approached him William gave Elizabeth a glance warmly, “William!” she cried wrapping her arms around him. Beneath the folds of her white jacket and above the arms of Williams returned hug, Thomas noticed a tear drop on William’s green woollen jacket.

Charlie turned and looked at then fondly then returned his gaze to him.

“So, where are you headed Thomas?”

“Hold on…” he asked impatiently, “who is she?”

Charlie turned around again and looked at Elizabeth pointing, “her?” he asked, “she is William’s friend from Bagintons Academy, her name’s Elizabeth.”

Upon hearing her name being called Elizabeth relinquished her grip on William and led him back to where he and Charlie were standing. “You know the Bucklins’ she asked Thomas who replied hesitantly after regaining his concentration.

“Well, just recently,” he could not help but smile at William and Charlie of whom only Charlie smiled back.

“The clouds are getting pretty dark,” William said as he looked up, “let’s head inside before it starts to pour.”

“Have any particular suggestions?” Charlie inquired.

“Why don’t we head inside there!” The old woman half-shouted pointing her hand towards the cafe nearby.

Thomas had completely forgotten that Mrs. Gimico was still there; apparently William and Charlie had passed her off as a crazy pedestrian as they each shouted in surprise when she spoke.

Elizabeth began peering around the corner to where the man was, who thought he had found this lady’s dog.

“Is that your grandmother’s dog, yes or no?” she asked Thomas.

“I told you I have never, ever, met this woman before in my life!” he countered loudly.

Mrs. Gimico turned to face him and gave him a look as if she was preparing an argument.

“Oh no you don’t!” Thomas shouted loudly, “you’re not going to try and pass yourself as my blood relative again!”

Charlie and William at this point were not completely perplexed.

“Is that woman your grandmother?” Charlie whispered leaning to his left ear.

“No!” he answered hoping his message would finally get through, “everything that woman says is a lie!”

“I beg your pardon?” Elizabeth interrupted looking concerned, “Everything I say is a ‘lie!’”

“I wasn’t referring to you.” Thomas answered getting annoyed.

Mrs. Gimico who had yet to drop her hand, which was pointing at a small café next to them grumbled, “that café looks comfortable.”

“That woman might have a point.” William uttered looking at the other buildings, which all seemed crowded. “Let’s head inside.”

“Should we leave Mrs. Gimico here?” Thomas asked staring profoundly as the old woman sat down and crossed her remarkably hairy legs.

“Good suggestion, but no. And how do you know here name if she you aren’t related?”

Thomas looked up at the darkening sky, “she told me her name after I tried to help her cross the road.”

Charlie interrupted, “then why is she still here?”

Thomas’s head dropped as he too grasped this, “you can cross the road now.” He said knowing that she was blind but felt it unnecessary to bring that up now. He was then stuck with another realization of truth.

“That woman, Mrs. Gimico, She’s blind. How could she have known that where she had initially pointed was a café?”

Charlie gave him a look of apprehension, “she does look blind,” he said sarcastically before uttering an apology that Mrs. Gimico seemed to accept.

“If you youngsters are finished arguing with each other let us head inside this café for shelter, coffee’s on me.”

William drew out his wallet, “that’s quite alright Mrs., Gimico, I can take care of it.”

“Now,” she uttered once more, “I’ve heard that you teens are all into this new music band.”

“The Static Cannons?” Charlie asked.

“No, no, they have this song, called Broomstick Malfunction.”

“Yes,” Charlie replied, “That’s the Static Cannons!”

“They also created, Foolsdrop Blues and Dragonbreath Love….”

“Don’t forget The Witch’s Itch,” William concluded.

“Witch’s Itch?” Thomas asked almost disgusted.

“The Witch’s Itch,” Charlie corrected, “it’s a telling song about this one witch’s desire, or itch if you will to fly around the world….”

“I reckon that is a true story,” William said eagerly.

Thomas turned to look at Elizabeth but she had left, he turned to look around the corner where the man with supposedly Mrs. Gimico’s dog was last seen. No one was there.

“Um, William?” he asked.

William turned away from Charlie and looked at him warmly. “Yes Thomas?”

“Where did Elizabeth go?”

Once again they both turned, practically in a full circle, but Elizabeth was nowhere to be seen.

Suddenly a white flash caught Thomas's eye. A man was dragging Elizabeth inside the alleyway across from them.

“In the alleyway!” he shouted.

He and William ran toward the alleyway, leaving Mrs. Gimico with Charlie.

“Strange weather we’re having,” he said, trying to lighten the mood before realizing that Mrs. Gimico was blind.

“Yes strange indeed,” she murmured quietly leaving Charlie open mouthed, wondering how on earth could this blind woman have known such incredible details which he supposed only a person, who wasn’t vision impaired, could know of.



Last edited by EliteHusky on Sun Nov 25, 2007 7:31 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 3:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello again! I think your action moved a bit fast and it all seemed quite random but generally I liked this piece. The character development seems to be improving and I'm loving Mrs. Gimico but I think you need to add more description. Perhaps a little of the cafe and the man at the end? Here's some general observations -

As Thomas turned around wildly he noticed Charlie and William crossing the street besides him. [This sentence is a little strange. It should be 'beside him' rather than besides him and how can someone turn around wildly?]

Charlie ran toward shim [Typo. Should be towards him.] faster than William

Beneath the folds of her white jacket and the above the arms of William[color=red'[/color]s returned hug, Thomas noticed a tear drop on William’s green woollen jacket. [Oh come on, a tear drop? On a woollen jacket? Can you possibly tell me what's wrong with this sentence? Hehe. Sorry but that really is impossible!]

“Why don’t we head to inside there!” [Some very awkward dialogue...]

“Good suggestion, but no. And how do you know here name if she you aren’t related?”

“That woman, Mrs. Gimico, She’s is blind.

that’s quite alright Mrs., [No comma here.] Gimico, I can take care of it.”

Suddenly a white flash caught Thomas' eye.

she murmured quietly leaving Charlie open mouthed, wondering how on earth could this blind woman know knew such incredible details in which he supposed only a person, who wasn’t vision impaired, could know of.

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quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
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