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Tessia
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 Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 11:54 am Post subject: Another Lost Soul |
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Another Lost Soul
You’ve lived a life,
Belonged or not belonged.
You’ve lived it through;
Blissful or deplorable,
But then it’s over,
And your desires
disintegrate to debris.
What have I done
to gain this wreath
and unsheathe this feeling
of pain and disdain.
Time was short
but life was long,
And even if I could;
I never would.
Tessia T. |
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Last edited by Tessia on Sat Nov 24, 2007 5:01 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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thething912
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| Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 4:53 pm Post subject: |
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| I was a little confused about what you were talking about at the end but that always happens to me with poems. I thought it was good though. And, it talks about something everyone goes though. |
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Maybe
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| Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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Pretty good. I'm no good at critiquing poetry, so I'll leave it to the pro's. But it flows pretty well and it talks about something everyone goes through in their lifetime, which is good. At least you weren't talking about something really random or out-there.
So all in all, not too bad.
-Maybe~ |
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Buddha
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| Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 5:54 pm Post subject: |
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| I really liked this, the flow is very nice and your simple, straightforward way of describing the emotions really pulled me in. I'm not really good at critiquing poetry, nor am I very good at understanding and recognising symbolism, so I still am a little confused at the end... but that's just me. |
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piepiemann22
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| Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 6:28 pm Post subject: |
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Ask and you shall receive. Now to get started.
1) No foundation. Your stanza lengths are all out of whack. Try to even them out.
2) The idea of the poem is good, but there's no imagery here. I found through experience that you have to have a back ground to the poem. Try describing it to a person, use similes, anything. Plain emotion poems are good, but can only go so far. I had the same problem.
3) Punctuation! It is huge! Commas, periods, explanation points, the all help to create the mood and flow for the poem. Fiddle with it. Read it how you think it sounds, and then add the punctuation where needed.
4) You ended strangely. I could understand the beginning, but then, I don't know. Look at what you're trying to say and reword it a bit.
All this doesn't mean I don't like it. You only need to practice. Revising is a part of a writers job. Let me know when you correct it. See ya. |
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little.angelfire
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| Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 7:08 pm Post subject: |
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I have to agree with everyone above. I'm not a poet, now am I very interested in poetry, but I think it does flow nicely, and that some puncuation might help this piece out a bit. Right now, with out the puncuation, it sounds a little flat when trying to read it in ones head. So just go back and put in some question marks, maybe a comma, a period, whatever. That's about all I can say for it. I'm not good at Critting poems XD
--meow |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 1:31 pm Post subject: |
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Hello again!
My general impression of this poem is that it's nice and it flows well but there's so much more than you could convey to the reader. I think a little more imagery would add to the natural flow and a bit of re-wording could make it very dramatic. Your theme is good. Not original but with an original twist. It's quite rare that a poem like this comes to the conclusion that life is long. Here's a quick line by line, I seem to work better when I go through a poem a word at a time -
You’ve lived a life,
Belonged or not belonged. [I think the first line is quite powerful but the second could be stronger. I don't like the use of repetition here and I think you've missed the opportunity to use 'isolated' or 'alienated' which would link to the title of lost soul. Perhaps 'You've lived a life,
Belonged or alienated.']
You’ve lived it through;
Blissful or deplorable. [Again, a strong first line but maybe the second would be smoother as 'To bliss or depredation.' which changed the meaning a touch but it puts emphasis on the negative side which would be a nice contrast to your conclusion.]
But then it’s all over, [I'd suggest omitting 'all' because the word doesn't add much and short sentences are often more dramatic.]
And your joys sink
to the bottom of your soul. [This is my main criticism of your poem. You have little imagery and what you have is relatively weak. 'Joys' is over-used and too wide a definition. Maybe -
'And your desires
disintegrate to dust' which would give you some strong alliteration...]
What have I done [I think this line could be stronger. Perhaps 'What did I give']
to gain this wreath
and unsheathe this feeling
of pain and disdain[Period here I think.]
Time was short
but life was long,
And even if I could;
I never would. [Now this part confused a lot of people. I think you're referring to the choice of going back and changing things, living differently. But maybe you should make it clearer. Like add another line?]
I hope this helps a little,
Heather xx |
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Tessia
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| Posted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 5:06 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks guys! This is really helping my poem.
I've changed some words and punctuation and all of your feedback seems to work very well.
A last thing, I've noticed that most of people who have read the poem have a difficulty to understand the end:
" And even if I could;
I never would."
It's simply suggesting the fact that throughout life, you' are given had a series of chances to change things, and when you could have changed them, you never did. This pretty much happens to everybody.
In other words, It's too late already to change things.
Tessia T.
Please keep commenting! |
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Janis
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| Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 12:35 pm Post subject: |
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Nice poem!
I love how you made it all so abstract and evenso, how it's all so true.
Your punctuation, spelling and main idea is very good!
However, the only thing I found is that you may want to change "Belonged or not Belonged" (second line) for it never sounds right in poems when you repeat two words in the same line.
Anyhow, if you don't change it I'd understand, for it sounds good anyway.
Janis |
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