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The Dresser
The Dresser

by CastlesInTheSky in Narrative Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry

This thread was created on November 22, 2007
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A Water Sprite's Visit To A Fire Sprite

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TL G-Wooster   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 22, 2007 9:58 pm    Post subject: A Water Sprite's Visit To A Fire Sprite Reply with quote

Once upon a time, 

Not that long ago,

A bird flew down from the clouds 

To the burnt black ground below.



A little blue water sprite

Stepped lightly down from its back,

And from under the bird's wing

Took her hat and her pack.



"Thank you very much,"

said the sprite with a smile.

"You carried me faithfully

for many a mile."



"My pleasure," said the bird.

"But you'd better go in.

Your friend the fire sprite

Will surely be waiting."



The little blue water sprite 

Smiled once more,

And as the bird flew away,

Knocked hard on the door.



The door swung open 

And the glowing fire sprite,

Standing on the step,

Smiled wide with delight.



"Ishvyt, my friend,

It's so good to see you!"

"Lasair," replied Ishvyt,

"I feel the same about you."



The friends sat down 

And talked together,

Of this and of that,

Of books and the weather.



Then Lasair said,

"Ishvyt, would you like some tea?"

"No thanks," laughed Ishvyt.

"That swill gives me an allergy."



Lasair was surprised,

That Ishvyt was not more polite,

And he looked askance 

At the other little sprite.



Ishvyt laughed and

Tossed back her white hair,

Said, "I'm having such

A wonderful time here, Lasair!"



Lasair's frown vanished

And his smile blazed bright.

Don't worry, he told himself.

Everything will turn out right.



The two little sprites

Had tea together.

They talked of this and of that,

Of books and the weather.



Then Lasair asked, 

"Ishvyt, would you care for some burning meat?"

"Of course not!" Ishvyt exclaimed.

"As if I could stand such heat!"



Lasair was troubled:

"But I have nothing else to give."

"Never mind," sighed Ishvyt.

"I guess I'll live."



The two little sprites watched 

A movie side by side.

It came highly recommended -

Laréna Blejtyd.



After the movie,

Ishvyt went to bed.

But Lasair came back

And slumped in his chair instead.



For some time he sat,

Smouldering by himself.

Then his gaze was drawn to 

A new book on the shelf.



He took the book down.

In the front was writ,

Thank for a lovely time!

Your friend, Ishvyt.



Lasair looked at the puddles

Ishvyt had made on the floor,

Remembered the tea,

The meat and more.



Then he looked at the book,

And hit the chair leg with his heel.

He sighed and muttered,

"I don't know how to feel.



"On the one hand,

She's a very good friend,

And that means a lot to me;

I don't want that to end.



"But she made such a mess!

She knows I don't like water!

She didn't like the tea,

Or the meat I specially bought her!



"Are we friends at all?

We're simply not the same.

Perhaps it would've been better

If she'd just never came."



Lasair went to bed,

Still troubled in his mind,

Worried about the answer

That he just couldn't find.



The next day it was time

For Ishvyt to go,

And she packed her bag 

With evident sorrow.



"I'm so sorry to leave," she 

Said to Lasair,

Who was standing around 

With an uneasy air.



He only nodded and

Looked at the floor.

When her bag was ready,

He showed her to the door.



The bird was waiting,

And Ishvyt climbed on.

The bird flapped its wings,

Eager to be gone.



It rose into the air and,

"Goodbye!" Ishvyt cried.

Lasair waved silently,

And inwardly sighed.



Lasair didn't know

What to think of the visit.

Had it gone wrong?

Was it his fault, or Ishvyt's?



He tried to forget it,

To put it from his mind,

And not to look for the answer

That he couldn't find.



But however hard he tried,

It just wouldn't go away.

He simmered and sizzled, 

But finally one day,



Thought, "Was Ishvyt at fault, 

Or was it only me?

I'll write it all down, 

And then maybe I'll see."



So he took pen and paper,

And sat down to write,

And as he busily worked,

His smile grew bright.



For he thought he understood

Just what had gone wrong,

So he wrote his new knowledge

Down in the song.



When it was finished,

He looked down at it proud,

And to check for mistakes, 

He read it aloud.



"Once upon a time,

There were two little sprites.

One was fire,

One was water.

One was a son,

One was a daughter.

Although very different,

They were still friends at heart

For they had learned not to let

That keep them apart.

You have to take the fire

Along with the water,

If you want to keep friends

With the Ice and Rain Daughter.

Fire flames 'round water,

And does not flee away.

They're both elements together

At the end of the day."



Lasair laid his pen down,

Feeling free of the past,

And thought of the visit,

Knowing peace at last.



Then he had a thought 

That seemed even better.

He took some fresh paper

And began to write a letter.



"Dear Ishvyt," he wrote.

"It's starting to rain. 

If it doesn't clear up,

Would you like to come again?"





--- --- ---



Please shred without compassion. I wanted to write a rhyme, so comments on that would be appreciated.

_________________
Most people run screaming to the therapist when they hear voices. I write. –Laurie Halse Anderson


Last edited by TL G-Wooster on Sat Nov 24, 2007 12:41 am; edited 1 time in total
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Cade   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 12:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked that! Great job pulling off that rhyme scheme for such a long narrative poem. Your main job now is making your rhyme and rhythm sound natural. Otherwise your reader stumbles with the poem, can't read it straight through without changing his manner of speaking to make it sound better.

Quote:
Once upon a time,
Not that long ago,
A bird flew down from the clouds
To the ground below.
You need another syllable or two in that last line. How do I know? 'Cause it sounds funny without one! Even though it has five syllables like the first and second lines do, it doesn't have stressed syllables in the same places. In order to make it sound better, your reader is forced to stress the word "To" when it normally wouldn't be stressed. You can fix this by rephrasing the line or by adding another two syllables, i.e. "To the frozen ground below." (Not that "frozen" makes sense in your poem, it's just the first two-syllable adjective that popped into my head.)

Quote:
A little blue water sprite
Stepped down from its back,
And from under the bird's wing
Took her hat and her pack.
Same issue with the second line in this stanza. "Stepped" is stressed when it shouldn't be.
See how you had to change the syntax to make the last two lines work? That makes your rhyme sound forced. Changing the syntax isn't a crime, but it can sound awkward. I'm sure if you spend some time with this and read it aloud a few times, you can come up with something that sounds better.

Quote:
"My pleasure," said the bird.
"But you'd better go in.
Your friend the fire sprite
Will be waitin'."
That last line sounds pretty awkward to me. Too few syllables. Perhaps "Will surely be waiting"? You don't have to say "waitin'" to make it a perfect rhyme with "in". Slant rhyme is super and completely acceptable.

Quote:
The door was opened
By the fire sprite,
Who, when he saw her,
Smiled wide with delight.
First two lines = passive voice. Passive voice = evil. Therefore, first two lines = evil. Ah, transitive property. REPHRASE!

I'm not going to go through the rest of the poem--if you have a specific question about another stanza, feel free to PM me. But I think you get the idea. The best thing you can do to eliminate rhythm problems is to read your poem aloud or have another person, especially a small child, read it aloud. You'll catch even the smallest problems this way, and then you just play around with it until it sounds better.

Great job!
-Colleen

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 11:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You actually did a great job with sucha long poem. I know it's hard to do but you should adjust the meter a little bit so all of your rymes run smoothly. That would make your work really nice. I also thought your story should of had a slightly more meaningfull plot and it could have been written more clearly. But I know it's really hard to write such a long piece and you did really good considering the circimstances. Good job.

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 04, 2007 7:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Waaaaay too long. The lines I had the most problems with were 3 and 7. Interesting subject, though.
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