Topic ID: 22426
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Jeni
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 Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 12:22 am Post subject: Think About Life |
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[pre:56bd80d176] Have you heard the phrase, "Walk a mile in each other shoes?" Well what if you did some how you mysteriously swapped minds with another person? Would you rather of become a celebrity, an average worker, or a child who lives on the streets of a foreign country? Most, would say the celebrity, I would say the kid. Think of those who are not as fortunate as you. That kid, is probably dying, and does not even know when his last meal was. Does the celebrity know when his/her last meal was? You know they do, and you probably do as well.
Take the phrase walk a mile in each others shoes, literally. When you see someone who needs help, help them. If you have extra money, donate it. But not to a celebrity's fund, to a place who would help that young boy to stay off the streets.
Now, try walking in the celebrity's shoe, and the girls, probably have millions. Some donate, while others spend it away. Would you be that celebrity? The one who thinks they are perfect, and does not even care about that kid on the streets.
Lastly, step into the average worker's shoes. This is the one category most of the world's population can relate most to. But just remember, while you blow up over a few things going wrong in your life, it pales in comparison to what someone else is going through. as your world falls apart, someone else's world already has. So look at what you really need, help others, and always know someone is having a much worse day than you.
[/pre:56bd80d176] |
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Alteran
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| Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 4:19 am Post subject: Re: Think About Life |
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| Jeni wrote: |
[pre:fbae071312] Have you heard the phrase, "Walk a mile in each other shoes?" Well, what if you did? sSome how you mysteriously swapped minds with another person? Would you rather of become a celebrity, an average worker, or a child who lives on the streets of a foreign country? Most, would say the celebrity, I would say the kid. Think of those who are not as fortunate as you. That kid, is probably dying, and does not even know when his last meal was. Does the celebrity know when his/her last meal was? You know they do, and you probably do as well.
Take the phrase walk a mile in each others shoes, literally. When you see someone who needs help, help them. If you have extra money, donate it. But not to a celebrity's fund, to a place who would help that young boy to stay off the streets.
Now, try walking in the celebrity's shoes, and the girls, they probably have millions. Some donate, while others spend it away. Would you be that celebrity? The one who thinks they are perfect, and does not even care about that kid on the streets.
Lastly, step into the average worker's shoes. This is the one category most of the world's population can relate most to. But just remember, while you blow up over a few things going wrong in your life, it pales in comparison to what someone else is going through. as your world falls apart, someone else's world already has. So look at what you really need, help others, and always know someone is having a much worse day than you.
[/pre:fbae071312] |
I like the general idea, but the presentation doesn't make me want to help others. When being persuasive you have to watch using "you" It triggers a defensive reaction in people because they automatically feel attacked. The ending gives a feeling of guilt. It makes me feel guilty for feeling lousy and having a bad day. That's not great to do either because it really just pushes people deeper into a slump.
Like I said the idea itself is good, and needs to be told, but it might be better to play both sides a bit with a greater focus on helping those less fortunate. Try and include a little bit that lets the reader know it is ok to get upset about their own lives once in a while.
You also might want to go more in depth about the different lives of the people you picked. It would help give the reader a better view of that kind of life and help them relate more to it.
A nice message, keep up the hard work. |
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canislupis
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| Posted: Thu Nov 22, 2007 5:30 pm Post subject: |
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Good point! I definitely see where you are coming from.... Little errors need to be taken care of though........
Here is my critique:
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| Have you heard the phrase, "Walk a mile in each other shoes?" |
I Beleive the phrase your mentioning is "Walk a mile in another man's shoes." I think you'd better get that straight....
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| Well what if you did some how you mysteriously swapped minds with another person? |
Something is wrong with this sentence....  Should be: "What if you did somehow mysteriously swap minds with another person?"
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| Would you rather of become a celebrity, an average worker, or a child who lives on the streets of a foreign country? |
Get rid of the "of" before "become".
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| Most, would say the celebrity, I would say the kid. |
Get rid of the comma after "Most" and add a "but" before "I".
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| That kid, is probably dying, and does not even know when his last meal was. |
This is a moving line. Shouldn't have a comma after "kid" though.
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| Take the phrase walk a mile in each others shoes, literally. When you see someone who needs help, help them. |
Nuhuh. Put it in quotes again, like you did before. Again, I'm pretty sure it's "Walk a mile in another man's shoes".
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| Now, try walking in the celebrity's shoe, and the girls, probably have millions. |
No comma after "Now" either. I'm not sure what you meant by "and the girls, probably have millions"
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| The one who thinks they are perfect, and does not even care about that kid on the streets. |
Question mark at the end of this sentence. This paragraph is also confusing.
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| as your world falls apart, someone else's world already has. |
This is also a very powerful and moving sentence. However, "as" should be capitalized.
Overall, I really like the message you are trying to convey. Space the paragraphs out as well, it makes the whole thing more polished. Definitely be moe careful when typing/posting, because people will be more likely to read your work when you edit it.
I'm glad to see that you write other stuff besides poems! I'll be interested to see what other stuff you come up with.
I really hope you don't take these reviews too harshly, cus' I'm really only trying to help.
This was a very nice first non-poem post, even if it needs some work, it shows potential.
PM me with questions or comments!  |
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Whisper91
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| Posted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 5:24 am Post subject: |
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"Walk a mile in each other shoes?" - Is that really the phrase? It doesn't even sound like proper English. Redo the second sentence. Would most really want to be a celebrity (I wouldn't; you wouldn't)?
Re-write, re-write, re-write - then tell me about it. I'm serious. Let me know when you've taken a good look - and then a couple more good looks at it - and tell me. |
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