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This thread was created on November 20, 2007
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Topic ID: 22404
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dacoozed
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 03 Jul 2008
Posts: 9
Reviews: 4
Country: Some where on planet Earth... I think
300 Points
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 Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 9:23 am Post subject: |
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i'm new at this so lets see how i do 
the story was good but you didn't explain the characters that well or give ages. the reason that victor was fired from his job wasn't fully explained, the scenes were rushed and didn't have good meaning and the ending was strange. almost like you lost interest in writing the script but other than that it was actually a really good script. i can see it being on tour |
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summergrl13
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 17 Feb 2008
Posts: 330
Reviews: 72
Country: USA
290 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 1:25 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah, the plot is nice but there's quite a few things to work on.
1. When Victor loses his job and they go to America
This is just added details and it's totally unneeded. It really kind of distracts the reader and it's rather confusing. What I would recommend doing instead would be to talk about them coming to America from Italy at the airport.
2. When Carla meets Willson
It is odd that he doesn't finally find out his real name at the end like one would often expect. Also, if he doesn't know his name and neither does Carla, you can't just say his name is Willson when they don't know he'll be named Willson yet. You should just call him 'the man' so it isn't confusing the readers into thinking that that was his real name.
Also, this whole part seems to be pretty cliche to me. She was riding for the first time ever and she found some man lying unconcious in a field and ran to get her uncle and they carried him into the house and after 7 hours he woke up, not knowing his name so they called him Willson.
First, I'd say that instead of riding for the first time, she had loved to ride as a child and she just hadn't riden since she was a young girl.
Second, instead of saying that after finding him unconcious she ran to get her uncle, you might say that she tried to wake him up but couldn't so she got back on the horse and ran back to get her dad and uncle.
Finally, I'd change that after 7 hours he woke up and didn't remember anything but was calm. 7 hours is a little unrealistic and cliche, see what I mean? Change it to something like 'after a couple hours...' or something less long and definite. And if he woke up and didn't remember anything, I don't think that he'd go along with everything they said and be calm about waking up in someone's house. Play it up, make it dramatic. This is one of the parts that can be milked for all it's worth!
3. Carla and Willson get to know each other
I thought that this part was okay; there were a few edits here and there but they were mostly grammar and spelling mistakes. Still, I recommend playing around with editing it and see how it sounds without them saying this or adding that sentence in. Just mess around with it a bit.
4. Carla and Willson date
I thought this was all pretty cliche too. They really don't flirt with each other like other couples; it's just a straight, flat conversation. Make them play with each other more; they're supposed to really be into each other. Just little things that are cute and funny and flirty. It all happens really fast too. It's like 'Don't blink! It'll be over soon!'. You need to lengthen this part most of all. Dramatize their affections for each other. They're a young couple in love! Talk about them holding hands! Talk about them taking together and walking around her uncles' property! Play it up!
5. Willson goes to the Army
Carla doesn't seem to be as distraught as she should be. It's really calm when this should be a sad, moving time for her. Go to times at home for her. Have her look over where she and Willson had met and had good times. Don't just focus on Willson.
Also, the parts about him in the army are long and go into too much detail. Shorten it. Just list them for the most part. Focus on how the war is for them and what Willson feels.
6. Grammar and Spelling errors
There were a lot of them. You definitely need to go back and just check over all your work.
Overall, there's a lot to edit. This can still be a good piece but it needs a lot of work. I hope you do edit this because it really could work!
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| This thread was created on November 20, 2007 |
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