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The Elephant Boy {eighteen}
The Elephant Boy {eighteen}

by Kylan in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on November 19, 2007
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In the Land of Harmony Chapter 1

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 12:57 am    Post subject: In the Land of Harmony Chapter 1 Reply with quote

In the Land of Harmony

By Summer

Chapter 1

A Drop of Sun

Across the room he sits, like a drop of golden sun. His eyes like oceans, and his skin so soft and caramel. When he looks my way, I quickly turn my eyes away. My skin getting hot when I feel his eyes on my skin. Even though I'm not looking at him his stare makes my skin crawl.

Is it safe to look back?

As I turn around to face the front of the room, I met his eyes. Never had I

seen his eyes look at me, unless they were looking past me. Now that I was

experiencing the effect his eyes had on girls I wanted to run away, but like a

deer caught in the headlights, I was glued.

He smiled showing off his perfect white teeth. It was like looking into the sun, but yet you didn't need any sunglasses to look at him because he was so mesmerizing. Suddenly he got up and walked towards me. He sat down in the seat that was so close to me that you'd think we shared arms. I shuddered at the touch of his skin on mine. It was unusual to be this close to a boy.

"Hi it's.....Kristi, right?" he asked smoothly

"Actually it's Christina." I replied softly

"Right, well anyways, I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me?" he asked, smiling his debonair smile

I stared at Westley in awe, wanting to pinch myself thinking this wasn't just happening. Westley was the hottest guy in the whole school, and I was what you called average. My dark soft hazel-eyes were dull compared to his live-wire greens. Boy was I the luckiest girl in the world.

"Well I'd love too but......." I started, really not believing this,

"Come on, it'll just be a movie." Westley cut in firmly

Before I could answer, the bell to go home rang. Reluctantly, I picked up my books and got up. As I turned to leave, a hand lightly touched my shoulders.

I looked up to find the cool eyes of my crush crashing down on me like tiny waves. Westley's eyes were so calming that his firm voice couldn't even spoil the moment.

"Stay." he said, in almost a whisper, in my ear

His words were like rose petals gently caressing my ears. Like a dog, I obeyed his command and sat back down in the chair. Westley turned my head slowly towards him, and again I was forced to swim in his eyes. It was when he began to talk that I knew I was drowning.

"Stay with me, please." he said softly.

"Westley...I don't know if this will work out..." I started slowly

Before I could finish my sentence, Westley leaned in for a kiss......

"Cut!!!" yelled, Bob, the director

"What's wrong with this scene, it was close to perfect?" I asked angrily

"You're too fast. You act like a teenage girl who really got a crush on this guy." Bob replied sighing

"Well he is my boyfriend." I thought smiling.

"Let's take a break, get into character. Remember you're a spy and this guy is your assignment....so treat him like it." Bob said, wiping the sweat from his forehead.

As Bob continued his rants at the extras, I sat down in my chair and looked out onto the set. I closed my eyes, trying to think of the last time I saw home. Everyday I wake up only to see the white washed walls, and the expensive, luxurious, furniture of my suite in Manhattan. Instead of the worn-out sheets, and the light blue walls of my room in " Sunny Florida."

Now that I finally decided to go back to work, life hasn't been all sunshine and blue skies. Make-up is always caked up on my face, and under the heat of the headlights it feels disgusting. And even though my boyfriend and I are working on this movie together, we don't see each other unless it's on set. What makes things worse is we can't or really shouldn't be talking to each other because of orders from our parents.

As I look over at Leo, a tiny feeling grew in the pit of my stomach. I wondered if he ever thought of me, the way I did him, or was the separation tearing us farther apart?

On set everything about him seem forced, and uninterested, as if he had something better to do. Now that I could finally sit here and think about it, Leo has changed. The way he walked, the way he talked around me, the cologne he wore, and the way he combed his hair. Yet I still loved him.

As if he could hear my thoughts, Leo began to make his way slowly towards me. His long black locks, bouncing dramatically, like he was in a movie with special effects. A golden light illuminated him, like rays from the sun.

I thought that once he was in touching distance, he'd embrace me in a passionate way and never let me go. But when he was in hearing distance, that's when my fantasy became reality.

"Your father is here." Leo said abruptly.

"What! How'd he......." I started angrily.

"You gave him a set pass didn't you?" Leo asked, eyes getting big.

"Well he was freaking about how he doesn't get to see me and all. Besides, he's been through a lot ever since my mom died." I replied sadly.

"Fran, it's bad enough that we have to sneak behind our parents backs just to be together. Your father doesn't like me...you have to get rid of him."Leo said sighing.

I gazed into Leo's eyes. Behind those beautiful oceans, lye something so ugly...fear. I wanted to hug him but I could tell he didn't want that. The distance between us was far too great. It was like he was afraid to touch me.

"Leo I can't just tell him to leave. I want both of you in my life. I don't want to lose either of you." I said softly, reaching for Leo's hand.

Leo shifted backwards, pain struck my heart. Did I do something wrong?

Did I say something wrong?

"It's not you Fran...its me. I wish you could understand what is happening to me...to you...to us." Leo said firmly.

"I understand that I must choose but you're asking me to give up my father. He is the only family I have left. He needs me." I replied sadly.

"This has nothing to do with your father being in your life, I swear. It's just that...I have changed. I see the world in a new light. I can't keep holding on to my old life." Leo explained sighing.

I took in Leo's words like a sponge. His words were like dirty water, so vile and disgusting, that my pores would be hard to clean out.

There was a hidden meaning in his words. I concentrated on his eyes intently. I wanted to find the definition of his words because they were so hard to comprehend.

His eyes flickered away from mine. Tears were welling up in his eyes, but they didn't fall. I could see his skin turning rose red. His emotion I couldn't tell. Was he angry or was he guilty?

But what would he be angry for and why would he feel guilty?

I got that he was changing. I got that the stuff that he had to endure in his life has changed him.

Did he feel sorry for making me wait for him these past months? For making me cry my soul dry?

Probably not.

He couldn't know of those days that I yearned to hear his voice only to get a painful look instead.

He couldn't know of how much I missed his touch. He couldn't know how much I loved him and how I much I couldn't live without him.

He couldn't know that he was my drop of sun.

It was impossible.

I parted my lips to say something but his eyes met mines before I could speak. We stared at each other for what seemed like hours but really it only could have been a second. I was able to decipher a pain that was so new to me that I was sure it wasn't even real. It was sorrow.

"We are not right for each other." Leo said harshly.

"What do you mean?" I asked painfully, looking into Leo's eyes.

As I look into Leo's eyes, I could still see that pain called sorrow. I didn't understand what I was doing wrong. Five months ago this relationship seemed so right but now he acted as if it was entirely wrong.

Suddenly, without warning, Leo took my face in his hands. His head leaned in towards mine. At first I thought he was going to kiss me, instead his lips met my ear.

"Please stop hurting me." he whispered firmly.

I pulled away angrily. I wanted to punch him, kick him, stab him, kill him.

Stop hurting him? He obviously didn't know how I felt about him these past six months. He obviously didn't love me the way I loved him.

This whole time I had been in a love story all by myself. It just seemed so perfect. The way he use to talk to me. The way he used to kiss me. In my world full of darkness, he was my only light.

When he used to tell me he loved me, I knew he meant it. What he was saying to me now seemed to change all of that. Was his promises all mistakes to him? Was he sorry for loving me? Was I sorry for ever letting myself fall so severely in love with him?

No. Every moment we'd spent together was heaven.

He was my angel. He was the sun that lit my night skies.

I loved him. I still love him.

No matter what he says, I always will.

Tears fell from my face as I struggled to think about what was happening.

I parted my lips once more, hoping I would say something that would make Leo take back all his words. Something that would allow me to let me hold Leo and kiss him on more. Something that would end this nightmare.

"Look I can't handle this right now. We're supposed to be rehearsing for the movie." was all I could say.

Leo's eyes became watery, and as he turned away he said something so sharp and terrible that I felt as if I were stabbed with a knife.

He said "It's over."

So badly had I wanted to run after Leo, and beg him to be mine again. But my feet remained planted on the soft blue carpet, as my drop of sun walked away. It was like all the light was taken from me, only to be replaced with darkness.



Last edited by Angel of Death on Sun Mar 09, 2008 11:46 pm; edited 14 times in total
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 12:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Uh...what is this? This is just a title. Aren't you going to post the chapter, or story?


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 1:22 am    Post subject: Re: In the Land of Harmony Reply with quote

Short, but very nice! Lovely descriptions!
Summer wrote:
In the Land of Harmony
By Summer

Chapter 1
A Drop of Sun

Across the room he sits, like a drop of golden sun. His eyes like oceans, and his skin so soft and caramel. When he looks my way, I quickly turn my eyes away. My skin getting hot when I feel his eyes on my skin. Even though I'm not looking at him his stare makes my skin crawl.
" Is it safe to look back?" I ask myself, slowly turning around(Comment 1)
As I turn around to face the front of the room, I met his eyes. Never had I seen his eyes look at me, unless they were looking past me. Now that I was experiencing the effect his eyes had on girls I wanted to run away, but like a deer caught in the headlights, I was glued.
He smiled showing off his perfect white smile. (Comment 2)


Comment 1: I think you should put the girl's thoughts in italics instead of using quotatioin marks.
Comment 2: This sentence is a bit confusing...I would suggest changing it to something like this:
He smiled, displaying his perfect white teeth.
Or something along those lines anyways Wink

OVERALL:
This is really short, but I like it. You used nice imagery/description and I could easily imagine what was happening.
I can't really give you a decent review because what you wrote is so short, but if you're going to add more, PM me if you'd like me to read & critique.
Keep writing,
.:Ayra:.
Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 5:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ha! I loved it! Although, try not to copy the name Bella, because then people will think about Twilight, and then like yeah...unless you haven't read the book. But Just don't copy Twilight because too many people have and it gets annoying.

Alright, this is better than just a title!

Ok, I really liked the girl's emotions. It was displayed really clearly, and it was good.

Oh yeah, and don't do this:

" Hey! What's up?"

Do this:

"Hey! What's up?" you see the difference? Don't put a space after the " marks.

Alright. There wasn't anything other than that.

This could be a really good book! Keep writing and I'll keep reading!

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 1:17 am    Post subject: Re: In the Land of Harmony Reply with quote

Alright, now that you've posted more, I can review the rest! Very Happy My comments are in bold.

Summer wrote:
In the Land of Harmony
By Summer

Chapter 1
A Drop of Sun

It was like looking into the sun, but yet you didn't need any sunglasses to look at him because he was so mesmerizing. Suddenly he got up and walked towards me. He sat down in the seat that was so close to me that you'd think we shared arms. I shuddered at the touch of his skin on mine. It was unusual to be this close to a boy.
"Hi it's.....Kristi, right?" he asked smoothly.
"Actually it's Christina." I replied softly.
"Right, well anyways, I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me?" he asked, smiling his debonair smile
I stared at Westley in awe, wanting to pinch myself thinking this wasn't just happening. Westley was the cutest guy in the whole school, and I was what you called average. My dark, soft hazel-eyes were dull compared to his live-wire greens. Boy, was I the luckiest girl in the world.
"Well I'd love too but......." I started, really not believing this,
"Come on, it'll just be a movie." Westley cut in firmly
Before I could answer, the bell to go home rang. Reluctantly, I picked up my books and got up. As I turned to leave a hand lightly touched my shoulders.
I looked up to find the cool eyes of my crush crashing down on me like tiny waves. Westley's eyes were so calming that his firm voice couldn't even spoil the moment.
"Stay." he said, in almost a whisper, in my ear

You should add a period at the end of the sentence Wink Also, I think it should go something like this:
"Stay." his voice, right in my ear, was almost a whisper.


His words were like rose petals gently caressing my ears. Like a dog I obeyed his command and sat back down in the chair. Westley turned my head slowly towards him, and again I was forced to swim in his eyes. It was when he began to talk that I knew I was drowning.
" Stay with me, please." he said softly
" Westley...I don't know if this will work out..." I started slowly
Before I could finish my sentence, Westley leaned in for a kiss......
"Cut!!!" yelled, Bob, the director .
"What's wrong this scene, it was close to perfect?" I asked angrily
"You're too slow, like a teenage girl, who really got a crush on this guy." Bob replied sighing.
"Well he is my boyfriend." I said, laughing.
"Let's take a break, get into the character. Remember you're a spy and this guy is your assignment....so treat him like it." Bob said, wiping the sweat from his forehead.
As Bob continued his rants at the extras, I sat down in my chair and looked out onto the set. I closed my eyes, trying to think of the last time I saw home. Everyday I wake up only to see the white washed walls, and the expensive, luxurious, furniture of my suite in Manhattan. Instead of the worn-out sheets, and the light blue walls of my room in " Sunny Florida." Now that I finally decided to go back to work, life hasn't been all sunshine and blue skies. Make-up is always caked up on my face, and under the heat of the headlights it feels disgusting. And even though my boyfriend and I are working on this movie together, we don't see each other unless it's on set. What makes things worse is we can't or really shouldn't be talking to each other because of who our parents are. As I look over at Leo, a tiny feeling grew in the pit of my stomach. I wondered if he ever thought of me the way I did, or was the separation tearing us farther apart?
"


Wow, you have talent. That was quite good!
The descriptions were excellent and I was really pulled into the story!
Just one thing that bothered me--don't forget to put periods at the end of your sentences! Wink (I've added them in bold though.)
Keep writing, I love this!
.:AYRA:.

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 7:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i really really liked how you trick the reader into thinking it's just a girl with a crush on a guy and it turns out they are in a play together. very nice transition. i also enjoyed how the story line wasn't wicked corny like some romance stuff i've read. nice job with that too. the only problem i had was the bit at the end where the girl says that her dad buys her anything a girl could ever want or something like that and i would definitely change that. it's just not natural. otherwise i loved it!!!
~abby~

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 10:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yay! I'm going to continue reviewing this, and as usual, my comments are in bold. Smile

Summer wrote:

On set everything about him seem forced, and uninterested as if he had something better to do. Now that I could finally sit here and think about it, Leo has changed. The way he walked, the way he talked around me, the cologne he wore, and the way he combed his hair. Yet I still loved him.
As if he could hear my thoughts, Leo began to make his way slowly towards me. His long black locks, bouncing dramatically, like he was in a movie with special effects.

I think you should re-word this a bit. It isn't quite grammatically correct, so I change it to: 'His long black locks were bouncing dramatically, as if he were in a movie with special effects.'

A golden light illuminated him like he were rays from the sun. I thought that once he got towards me he'd embrace me in a passionate way and never let me go.

I think you could enhance this sentence by saying this instead: 'I wished that once he got to me he'd embrace me passionately and never let me go.'

But when he was in hearing distance, that's when my fantasy became reality.

That sentence is quite confusing--generally when people say 'My fantasy becomes my reality', what they wanted to happen actually does. So, when I was reading this, I got the feeling that he was going to embrace her. I would suggest changing it to something like: 'But when he was within hearing distance, my fantasy came crashing down around me.'

"You're father is here." Leo said abruptly.
"What! How'd he......." I started angrily.
"You gave him a set pass didn't you?" Leo asked, eyes getting big.
"Well he was freaking about how he doesn't get to see me and all. Besides, for the guy who buys me everything a girl could ever want I'll give him anything." I replied chuckling

I noticed several things wrong with that sentence. Numero uno, I was kind of turned off when she mentioned that her dad bought her everything she wanted. Secondly, you should add a coma after 'want' to enhance the flow of the sentence. Thirdly, put a period at the end of the phrase.

"Come on, Fran, you know he doesn't like me. He's convinced that I'm a bad boy, and you're too good for me." Leo said, sighing.
"I am. Without me you'd be sick." I whispered.
"Seriously Francesca, you know that our parents are eternal rivals, and that they don't want their kids talking to each other." Leo said backing away

You should put a period at the end of this sentence, and there should be a comma after 'said'.

"Leo when are you going to stop caring about what others think? I mean our parents can't do anyth..." I started sadly
" Your father controls you! If he says jump, you always say how high. Francesca, I don't know what to think of you anymore. It's like you're different and more care-free then you used to be five months ago. Please see my life through your eyes." Leo cut in, cupping my face.

For the first word I underlined, it should be 'than' instead. For the second sentence, it's confusing. I don't recall you saying that Leo got that close to her...Also, this is confusing too--she's already seeing his life through her eyes!

As I look into Leo's eyes, I see sorrow more than I see anger. I don't understand what I can be doing wrong. Five months ago this relationship seamed so right but now I don't know.

'seamed' should be 'seemed'. Wink

" Remember when you use to hold me like everything was going to be okay?"


I really like this!
I generally dislike romantic fiction, but this is an exception. The descriptions you used really pulled me into the story. The only thing is that I really suggest putting periods at the ends of your sentences. Other than what I pointed out above, this is great.
Keep writing,
.:AYRA:.
Very HappyVery HappyVery HappySmileSmileSmile
P•S•- Please don't take my comments too harshly!

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