Topic ID: 22298
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Jeni
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 Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 4:45 am Post subject: Roses Cannot Die |
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[pre:07ba91a633]If a rose was burned,
Then what do you have left?
You probably are thinking ashes.
But for the freshly burned rose,
Is not ashes,
But merely a new rose[/pre:07ba91a633] |
Last edited by Jeni on Fri Feb 01, 2008 7:33 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Sumi H. Inkblot
can divide by zero
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| Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 4:55 am Post subject: |
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Firstly, welcome to the YWS! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions on the site. ^_^
Secondly, it's a general policy to critique two pieces of other's work before posting your own, so please keep that in mind in the future.
Thirdly, spellllllllllllllllllllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing! It does not give a good impression to have a typo in a title, so keep your eyes peeled for those. "Roses Cannot Die".
Onto the poem!
I did not see a point to it, and I'm not sure if you'll be able to take this one off the ground.
For example, why does a new rose emerge from the ash of freshly burned rose? It's confused imagery. For another, there isn't much to suggest action, to make us understand and feel what the poem is about.
...Because I just have no idea of what this poem is trying to convey, other than a burned rose! Is it a metaphor? I'm so confused.
In the short? I'd ditch this idea and start afresh. They say that a professional writer will hit the delete button on 135 pages of work without blinking and start again, just to get better. I think we all want to be that writer.
Good luck, and happy writing!
~Sumi |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
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| Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 5:26 am Post subject: |
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Hey! I'll echo Sumi and say WELCOME! Yes, please try to crit other people's work when you post your own. Otherwise, no one will want to crit yours, and that's no fun at all.
This poem has a deep and painful problem: It doesn't sound poetic.
"But my ideas are poetic," one argues. Ah, but sound and rhythm and the beauty of words themselves are also a part of poetry. Poetry appeals on a very basic level; it appeals to that part of us that responds to sound, especially music.
That's why we can appreciate hearing poetry in another language; we have no idea what's being said, but we know that it just sounds pretty. That's what makes poetry successful. So please, focus on that part of your poetry as well. In fact, focus on sound and rhythm before you focus on "meaning".
Also think about grammar and spelling and whatnot, as Sumi mentioned.
Roses cannot die.
If a rose was burned, then what would you have left?
But for the freshly burned rose...
If you don't take your work seriously enough to check it for errors, it's unlikely that others will take it seriously as well.
Good luck!
-Colleen |
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canislupis
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| Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 7:00 pm Post subject: |
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hmm, nice, especially for a first post. I'll echo what the previous reviewers said.
For this short of a poem, I'd have to expect something really really good. Having a mistake in the title REALLY doesn't look good, since there are only so many words to mess up on. 
Good idea though, it has an interesting message.
I think this definitely needs some work. You do seem to have potential however. In the future be sure to edit you work thoroughly before posting it.
Sorry if I was too harsh, cus' after all, this is only your first time. 
Good Luck writing!!!
PM me if you have any work you'd like me to review, or if you have comments or questions regarding this one.
Have fun!
~Lupis |
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canislupis
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| Posted: Thu Nov 22, 2007 5:12 pm Post subject: |
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I'm glad to see that you edited this! It's better now. I think, coming back to this, that other reviewers may have been a bit too harsh, since this was your first post. Their suggestions are good ones, however, and I think your work would be strengthened if you took them to heart in the future. 
You still, after the edit, need to take care of this:
| Quote: |
But for the freshly burned rose,
Is not ashes |
Axe the "for"! It doesn't make sense like this.
Thats all! Again, PM me for any of the reasons I posted above.  |
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darkdove
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| Posted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 6:16 am Post subject: |
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| i liked it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Bella
KITTY!!! ^.^
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| Posted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 6:32 am Post subject: |
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Well...I think this was too simple. It seemed repeatative, and forced. There wasn't any real poetic quality, apart from the way you separated the words and thoughts. There wasn't any feeling in the poem -- nothing that stirred my insides up.
I suggest you put more feeling in -- maybe a longer poem would make it easier. Rhyming isn't necessary obviousy, but it needs to have some sort of rythme.
Feel free to PM me with questions!
~Bella~ |
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Jack Frost
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| Posted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 10:44 pm Post subject: |
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| I actually quite liked this. It's short and simply but works. Maybe the images used are a bit confusing but I think I got what it was about and certainly enjoyed reading it. |
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