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Don't Fret
Don't Fret
by kissthewitch in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on November 14, 2007
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The Darkness

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Night Mistress   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 5:52 pm    Post subject: The Darkness Reply with quote

When I was a child, I wished for many things:

    Someone to love
    peace
    happiness
    friends
And I had all of that. My parents loved me. My people lived in peace. We were all happy and we were friendly to each other.

But now...

The darkness has come and shattered my society. And also my heart.

You can follow my story and my struggle to stop the darkness. You might also see me fall in love with my greatest enemy.

-Ellie aka Elisha

Daughter of the High Priest Alastair and Priestess Amara.

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Elizabeth Gray of Poison Love.

Last edited by Night Mistress on Tue Jun 10, 2008 1:39 am; edited 2 times in total
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Kitty15   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 6:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Hmmm. This is too short to be a story and it feels more like a summary or perhaps a prologue? Either way, I think you should change the format and there's a few corrections to be made. Here's how I'd edit it -

Quote:
When I was a child, I wished for many things:

Some one to love

peace

happiness

friends
[I don't think there's any need to space this out and it should be 'someone to love'. Also, you need commas between the items on the list and a period at the end.]

Quote:
And I had all of that. My parents loved me. My people lived in peace. We were all happy and we were all friends friendly to each other.


Quote:
The darkness has come and shattered my society. And also my heart.

____________________

Also, are you going to write more of the story? If you do and you want someone to look at it, let me know.

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Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings.
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Night Mistress   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 9:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
kitty15 wrote:
Hmmm. This is too short to be a story and it feels more like a summary or perhaps a prologue? Either way, I think you should change the format and there's a few corrections to be made. Here's how I'd edit it -

Quote:
When I was a child, I wished for many things:

Some one to love

peace

happiness

friends
[I don't think there's any need to space this out and it should be 'someone to love'. Also, you need commas between the items on the list and a period at the end.]

Quote:
And I had all of that. My parents loved me. My people lived in peace. We were all happy and we were all friends friendly to each other.


Quote:
The darkness has come and shattered my society. And also my heart.

____________________

Also, are you going to write more of the story? If you do and you want someone to look at it, let me know.

This is a prologue. and sure, you can look at story, but i posted it.

_________________
"you are a Friend. nothing more, nothing less,"

Elizabeth Gray of Poison Love.
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BigBadBear   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 4:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Hey! This will really grab your reader's attention. I loved it. Prologues can be short. It doesn't matter. There was only one thing:

"You will follow my story and my struggle to stop the darkness. You might also see me fall in love with my greatest enemy."

Instead of saying "You will follow," say, "You CAN follow," That way you won't sound like a jerk to the reader. It is their choice to continue the book. This'll make it sound better and well...nicer.


Good job! Do you have any more posted?


BBB

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