Lil_Pau
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Oct 2007
Posts: 221
Reviews: 100
Country: Land of Eternal Dawn
363 Points
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 Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 6:47 am Post subject: Heart of the Desert |
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Heart of the Desert
A wind blows by, carrying a burden of myths,
In the heavens above, a star falls into the abyss.
Walking along the dunes of history,
Unfolding a crumpled image of a temple in ruins.
Far into the distance, the sun erodes,
Leaving a mysterious night to wrap my soul.
Frozen dreams melt in the sultry day,
Genies of the dark come out to play.
When on high land, the sands dance,
A sandstorm swirls, standing proud and grand.
Travelling into a realm of legends,
It was in the heart of the desert where angels slept.
In the middle of the night, a song echoes,
A serenade of past troubles and woes.
Here on high land, the moon shines,
A sandstorm swirls throughout the night.
Shooting stars dart across the sky,
In the heart of the desert, they fall and die.
As the heavens rise, the wind seems eternal,
Carrying a burden of legends far into the distance. |
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Kitty15
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 5372
Reviews: 1325
Country: England
1429 Points
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| Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 4:35 pm Post subject: |
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Hi there. You have a wonderful poem here! A few suggestions -
Heart of the Desert
A wind blows by, carrying a burden of myths, [I think a semi colon would work better here rather than a comma.]
In the heavens above, a star falls into the abyss. [Beautiful imagery and a really good start.]
Walking along the dunes of history,
Unfolding a crumpled image of a temple in ruins.
Far into the distance, the sun erodes,
Leaving a mysterious night to wrap my soul. [Again, you have some great metaphors here.]
Frozen dreams melt in the sultry day,
Genies of the dark come out to play. [The comma after the first line should be a period or a semi colon.]
When on high land, the sands dance, [I think a dash would work well here. Also, maybe add another syllable. For example, I think 'When on high land, the sand souls dance' might be smoother or even just 'When on high land, the sands will dance'.]
A sandstorm swirls, standing proud and grand.
Travelling into a realm of legends,
It was in the heart of the desert where angels slept. [I think you could shorten this line to 'In the heart of the desert where angels slept' which still makes sense and flows much better.]
In the middle of the night, a song echoes,
A serenade of past troubles and woes. [I love these two lines and the subtle rhyme is very effective as it is in the first though in the second couplet it was a little.]
Here on high land, the moon shines, [This would run into the second line better if it was 'Here on high land where moonlight shines,']
A sandstorm swirls throughout the night.
Shooting stars dart across the sky,
In the heart of the desert, they fall and die. [Brilliant imagery.]
As the heavens rise, the wind seems eternal,
Carrying a burden of legends far into the distance. [I'm not sure about breaking your rhyme scheme here but I can see the difficulties in rhyming with eternal.]
Overall, you have a lovely poem here with some fantastic imagery. You use rhyme effectively, you write very well and your punctuation could be better but generally, this is an excellent piece of writing. Good work. |
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Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
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