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cat4prowl
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 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 22 Oct 2007 Posts: 824 Reviews: 132 Country: Alagaësia 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 3:49 am Post subject: Depredation of Nightmares Chapter 1 |
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I used the first paragraph of one of my other stories, so if it seems familiar thats why. Please review, i know its long.
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Chapter 1
All was silent. Not the nice silence that makes you feel calm and comforted, but the dark eerie silence that makes you twitch nervously. The kind of silence that scares you because there shouldn’t be silence, like you should be hearing something you’re not. The kind of silence that hangs in the air like mist, the kind of silence that seems to cling to your skin with cold, formless fingers. The kind of silence that makes people on the street quicken their pace in unprovoked alarm or start at the slightest sound, makes clammy sweat break out on their brow.
It was partly this silence that had me running for my life. But mostly it was because I was being chased by… something. What? I had no clue. But whatever it was, it was out to get me. Or maybe it was my imagination. Maybe it was just the postman running after me with a really exciting package. At 10:30 at night. Riiight…
So anyways, I was running for my life. Let me tell you, it’s not fun. It involves a lot of breathing. A lot. I threw another pointless glance over my shoulder, though I knew all I would see was a sheet of eerie fog. My muscles were all screaming in pain and a jarring sensation shot through my shins each time my feet pounded the sidewalk. My eyes scurried around in the darkness and found a small alleyway to my left.
Thinking quickly, I made a sharp turn. The walls on either side of me were brick and covered in graffiti, like the dark alleys from horror movies. Not an encouraging sign. At the end of the small lane were two large garbage bins and a chain link fence. Great. I accelerated my speed and sprinted toward the garbage bins, using momentum to swing up onto them.
With a small moan, I hauled myself over the fence. And cleared it. Or so I thought. My jeans snagged onto a crooked wire and I let out a small gasp of surprise. Instead of landing smoothly as planned, I landed with a jarring thump to my knees, tumbled to the ground, skidded on my left forearm and hit my forehead on solid asphalt. Using momentum and pure adrenaline, I rolled up onto my feet and staggered into a run. I hastily wiped the blood off my forehead and arm before glancing over my shoulder. Through the fog, I could make out a dark figure approaching. Was it even human? I shook my head; whatever it was, it was gaining on me. My aching knees protested to the sudden increase in speed and I held my arm rather stiffly at my side as I followed the small side street on my left. My spirits fell as I realized it was not a street a recognized. I was lost.
I dragged in a huge gasp for air, feeling my eyes widen at the effort required. It burned my throat like sandpaper on the way down. I pushed my hair out of my eyes and continued to glance around frantically for an escape. Before me, the street curved and opened up into a familiar firehouse. Memories of second grade field trips flashed through my mind, demented and rushed. Was this what is like to face impending doom? Random flashbacks and pain?
However random the flashbacks were, they aided me in remembering where the fire escape ladder was. With another anxious glance over my shoulder, I rounded the corner of the firehouse, gauged the height of the ladder, jumped, grabbed the cold bar, and swung myself up. My fingers fumbled with the bars and I made my way nervously up the ladder, an odd metallic taste in my mouth.
That was when I decided that whatever was chasing me was most definitely not my postman. It launched itself onto the roof in one jump, nearly nine feet up!
The next moment was when I laid my eyes on my worst nightmare. At first, I thought it was a bear. Then I realized that it had a distinctly feline form, but it was too big, bigger than a lion and its eyes were too intelligent, chillingly bloodthirsty, an eerie bright red, glistening with orange tints. Its’ fur was a silvery black, ruffled but still shining in the dim moonlight. The moonlight! I looked up at the sky for the first time that night and saw that it was a full moon.
Intuition rippled down my spine, infusing me with fear and adrenaline. Werecat. I had heard whispers of teasing myths, seen websites that claimed truth in their existence. Fools, I had thought, Idiots. It’s impossible. But why was it so impossible? After all, I believed in tigers and wolves, I had read science articles claiming the lunar cycle to affect dog behavior. Why not?
The werecat snarled a deep yet keening sound that cut through the fog and into the depths of my heart before it dropped into a crouch. I took an unconscious step back, feeling my muscles tense. My heart was panicking in my chest and I worried it would provoke the werecat, the sound of blood pulsing through me. It pulled its lip back to reveal a row of large glinting white fangs. Were those bloodstains on the teeth?
From that point, it all happened very fast.
The werecat tensed and flung itself at me with such speed and agility that I wondered how I ended up dodging to the side. But the huge cat turned on one paw and before the momentum had carried it through that motion, leaped at me again. I dodged, but not quick enough this time. It cuffed my shoulder and I fell to the ground, sprawled on my back. I don’t know when or how the cat’s teeth made contact with my right forearm but the effect was immediate.
A sudden pain burst through my arm where the cat bit, like fire it spread through my veins, burning, raging, consuming everything else. I felt my hand clench into a fist, felt the weight of the cat on my chest, the unbearable agony in my arm. Suddenly the weight on my chest was gone, knocked clean off. I heard low snarling, the chilling sound of teeth snapping, claws tearing. Then, with a high-pitched whine, the sound was gone.
With nothing to distract me from the burning nova of agony that was my arm, I fainted.
* * *
I slipped in and out of consciousness, never comprehending anything but pain. It was spreading. The intense burning sensation now occupied my entire right arm, my head, and my upper torso. I was desperate to unravel what had happened but the compulsive headache acted as a black hole, consuming all thought, leaving me with no distractions from the pain. Every once in a while, it faded and I was able to feel my exhausted body, limp and exhausted, but when it started I could feel my body struggling against something, jerking and twisting in spastic bursts of pain. I could hear the voice I recognized as my own, screaming in agony, desperate for relief. Then I would sink back into the encompassing inevitability of torture.
Eventually, something broke through the pain, something reassuring, soothing, and sympathetic. A voice. I began to look forward to the voice; my only escape from what I was sure was death although I thought everyone said death was quick and painless. I could never tell where the voice was coming from, but it numbed the pain slightly and for that I near worshipped it.
“It’s okay. It will stop, I promise. Shh, stop screaming. I promise you’ll be okay, it will be alright. I promise,” the voice would say. Every time it spoke to me, it promised I would be okay. But the pain hadn’t stopped yet. Was it lying?
The pain was everywhere now. It was the worst it had ever been. The voice was lying! It was evil, I hated it! I screamed at the voice, begged it to make it stop, accused it of all that hurt, I hated the voice!
But it was dulling now, less of a poisoned fire and more of a numb pressure everywhere.
And then, after one last burst of unbearable pain, it stopped with a suddenness that left me breathless.
My eyes flew open and I absorbed the scene before me with incredible speed. I was in a white windowless room, on a small bed in the corner, staring up into the face of a pale, blonde, middle-aged man.
“Hello,” he smiled.
I stared blankly at him as my mind registered the obvious; he was the voice. I recognized it immediately, recognized what I thought had been my savior and then what I thought had lied to me. I also realized that I had been wrong to think he was lying, seeing as the pain was gone. The only discomfort I felt was the ache in my muscles, weary from enduring so much.
“What the heck happened to me?” I asked groggily, yawning and rubbing my forehead absently.
“You transformed,” he answered simply, his blue eyes penetrating mine.
My eyes widened as I realized what he meant. I don’t know about you but it didn’t seem like a very skillful way to drop the bomb on me. “You mean I…? And that…? And you…?”-I gestured awkwardly in his direction and then raised my hand to my head again-“So I’m…?” I stuttered unintelligibly in disbelief for a couple of minutes before leaning back into the pillow and closing my eyes.
He nodded, eyes still searching mine, perhaps for a clue to how I was going to react next.
I was still too stunned to move. My mind slipped and scrambled around, still trying to wrap itself around the concept.
I’m a werecat?! This is ridiculous! These kind of things don’t happen in real life! Maybe this isn’t real life, maybe I’m still in bed at home dreaming, maybe I didn’t take the long way home, maybe I’ll wake up safe and warm, yah right and maybe the moon is made out of cream cheese… there was way too much pain for a dream. A person can’t just imagine that kind of pain in a dream.
So now, I just had to face the facts. And the facts (or the believed facts, I still wasn’t fully willing to accept that I had just been turned into a werecat) were: one, that I had just been mauled and bitten by a mythical creature, two, that I had just turned into a werecat and three, that I was most likely losing my mind. Seeing as I was already going mad, I decided to go along with it.
“So,” I sat up, facing the man again, “Now that I’ve gone completely insane, would you mind telling me who the heck you are and why you’re here?”
The man looked surprised, then he smiled and answered, “My name is Rourke Wooten, I am also a werecat and I saved your life.”
“Why? I mean, wouldn’t you want to kill me too?” I had a feeling this was going to be confusing.
“Yes and no.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“Yes, because it is in my nature to kill and no because we’re running low on recruits and you nearly escaped a full-grown werecat. I can’t believe Guerin didn’t see it, but he always was a fool. Pity I had to kill him though.”
“So Guerin was the guy trying to kill me and you killed him but he bit me so now I’m… wait! What do you mean recruits? Are you fighting some sort of war?!”
Rourke looked at me as if I had asked… well, as if I had asked a very stupid question, and answered, “Werecats are always fighting a war.”
I waited.
He stared.
“Against…?” I probed.
“Various enemies,” he answered dismissively.
Don’t you just love it when people get straight to the point like that?
The annoyance must have shown on my face because Rourke
answered, “Look, I can’t explain it to you right now. It’s not safe. Can you move?”
Ugh… moving was about the last thing I wanted to do right now.
“Do you want me to carry you?”
Hmm, walk or have some random stranger old enough to be my dad carry me? Tough choice, that. “Nah I’m good.”
He smiled, “Follow me then.”
Oh joy, this was going to be fun.
***
well thats the first chapter, hope you liked it! please review! |
_________________ A true athlete doesn't run six miles without even breaking a sweat. A true athlete runs six miles, drenched in sweat. -Me
Ever looked for a Centaur role-play site? Look no further. T.H.O.E.: Centaur of the Earth
Last edited by cat4prowl on Sun Dec 02, 2007 5:58 am; edited 2 times in total |
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EliteHusky
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 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 30 Aug 2007 Posts: 73 Reviews: 67 Country: Canada 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 11:52 am Post subject: A Good Start |
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When I read this through it sounded awfully like a dream that was written down on paper with more detail. It is very unpredictable and while that may appear as a bad sign it might be good to work with that style of writing and develop it through planning, otherwise it was a good start.
Here is a spelling mistake I found:
“You transformed,” ha (should be he) answered simply, his blue eyes penetrating mine"
-Elitehusky |
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cat4prowl
Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 22 Oct 2007 Posts: 824 Reviews: 132 Country: Alagaësia 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 4:06 pm Post subject: |
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| ok thanx i fixed the spelling thing. i can understand what you mean about the dream thing but it's kind of supposed to be that way. thanx again for the crit! |
_________________ A true athlete doesn't run six miles without even breaking a sweat. A true athlete runs six miles, drenched in sweat. -Me
Ever looked for a Centaur role-play site? Look no further. T.H.O.E.: Centaur of the Earth |
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spiritblackwolf2705
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 27 Oct 2007 Posts: 130 Reviews: 107
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 8:59 pm Post subject: Good |
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Great story. I love it when characters black out and appear somewhere else, it gives stories a sense of mystery. You rarely find stories about werecats, you mostly find werewolves, but it'll be interesting to read the rest of this story. Please pm me when you have the next chapter posted!
~Spirit |
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Emily and the Oracle
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 23 Oct 2007 Posts: 39 Reviews: 31 Country: United States 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 9:08 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
| All was silent. Not the nice silence that makes you feel calm and comforted, but the dark eerie silence that makes you twitch nervously. The kind of silence that scares you because there shouldn’t be silence, like you should be hearing something you’re not. The kind of silence that hangs in the air like mist, the kind of silence that seems to cling to your skin with cold, formless fingers. The kind of silence that makes people on the street quicken their pace in unprovoked alarm or start at the slightest sound, makes clammy sweat break out on their brow. |
The kind of silence, the kind of silence, the kind of silence...yes, we get it. You're talking about the kind of silence. No need to keep repeating "the kind of silence". It's quite annoying.
| Quote: |
| So anyways, I was running for my life. |
Maybe it's just me, but the "So anyways" makes me twitch. First off, "any way" is the correct form. We say "anyways" all the time while we're talking, because we can get away with it, but separate the two words and take away the plural. Also, the fact that this sounds so informal and...casual ruins the piece. "So anyways, I was running for my life, but it's no big deal." At least, that is what it seemed to convey to me. If the main character is running for her life, you want the reader to get into it, be afraid for their life as well.
| Quote: |
| I threw another pointless glance over my shoulder, though I knew all I would see was a sheet of eerie fog. |
Hm. I think you need to take the "pointless" out. Not only is it straight out telling the reader it's pointless, but you repeat the fact that it is pointless with a perfectly wonderful showing, not telling, description of the glance being useless.
Not needed. If you didn't recognize the street, it's obvious you were lost, no need to ruin the great showing-not-telling by going ahead and telling the reader any way.
| Quote: |
| The next moment was when I laid my eyes on my worst nightmare. |
Eh, I don't really like this sentence. Consider rephrasing? Something along the lines of "The next moment I laid my eyes on my worst nightmare." Or something along the lines of that, perhaps.
| Quote: |
| its eyes were too intelligent, chillingly bloodthirsty, an eerie bright red, glistening with orange tints. |
Whoa. Way too many adjectives there. Get rid of some of them. "Its eyes were too intelligent, too bloodthirsty." would do fine.
No apostrophe needed.
Silvery black? Is that an even possible color? Or is it simply black with the moonlight making the tips shine silver? Consider rephrasing, is all I mean.
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| I believed in tigers and wolves, I had read science |
Comma needs to be a semi colon ( ; )
| Quote: |
| The werecat snarled a deep, yet keening, sound |
Add commas where I showed.
| Quote: |
| I dodged, but not quick enough this time. |
Seems to me the word "again" needs to come after "dodged."
Momentum - It seems you use this word way too much. Always momentum doing this, momentum doing that. Try to find a different word, phrase, or meaning for it.
I have to stop there, else I keel over.
I found it quite entertaining, and nothing that was unnecessarily unpredictable, as EliteHusky previously stated. You write wonderfully, well done. Consider re-writing the action part, as it seemed not to show as much imagery as you had going before hand. Well, yes, the MC is fighting for her life, but still. She has to see something. What did she smell, see, or sense in any way when the werecat was on top of her? Was she looking up at it, and if so, she'd have at least a second or two to see its face in detail. Think about that.
I'll edit the second half later <3.
Hoped I helped,
<3;
Emily |
_________________ "Sometimes your heart cries more than your eyes."
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Shadeslayer
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 09 Nov 2007 Posts: 73 Reviews: 9 Country: Australia 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 9:22 pm Post subject: |
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Awesome! i liked it very much lol
although to me (and remember this is just me) it gets a bit confusing, and you might want to put a bit more description into your characters for example
Tom was an ordinary boy of average height and he had one blue eye mysterious and deep, but the other brown full of boyish electricity.
one more thing you might want the story to start with someting else other than "All was silent." as i said before descrie te characters and give us an idea of what happened before she got turned into a werecat.
lol other than those things the story was good
p.s. i am not being mean, believe it or not i am trying to help you |
_________________ I Should Have Complete Faith In My Own Existence, Because In Order To Be Decieved About Anything, I Must First Exist
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Wolf
ςђเคг๏รςยг๏ Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 25 Oct 2007 Posts: 1411 Reviews: 574 Country: in Atlanta, with my super-hawt rapper boyfriend.<3 386 Points
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Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 9:53 pm Post subject: |
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(My comments are in italics and your writing is in bold)
| cat4prowl wrote: |
All was silent. Not the nice silence that makes you feel calm and comforted, but the dark eerie silence that makes you twitch nervously. The kind of silence that scares you because there shouldn’t be silence, like you should be hearing something you’re not. The kind of silence that hangs in the air like mist, the kind of silence that seems to cling to your skin with cold, formless fingers. The kind of silence that makes people on the street quicken their pace in unprovoked alarm or start at the slightest sound, makes clammy sweat break out on their brow.
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Lovely description there! It really gave me a sense of the eerie setting. Great job! It caught my attention right away!
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It was partly this silence that had me running for my life. But mostly it was because I was being chased by… something. What? I had no clue. But whatever it was, it was out to get me. Or maybe it was my imagination. Maybe it was just the postman running after me with a really exciting package. At 10:30 at night. Riiight…
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Lol! I love that bit! It's the kind of cynical, sarcastic thoughts you have when you're running for your life. It also is a good insight to the character's personality. The only thing I would suggest changing is that you started a couple sentences with 'maybe'
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So anyways, I was running for my life. Let me tell you, it’s not fun. It involves a lot of breathing. A lot. I threw another pointless glance over my shoulder, though I knew all I would see was a sheet of eerie fog. My muscles were all screaming in pain and a jarring sensation shot through my shins each time my feet pounded the sidewalk.[b] My eyes scurried around in the darkness and found a small alleyway to my left.
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hhmm...it's well into the story and we still don't know anything about this person who is chasing the character...and we don't even know the character's gender! Also, I underlined that last sentence there because eyes don't really move...it might work better if you say 'Casting a desperate glance into the darkness, I spotted a small alleyway to my left' or something along those lines.
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[b]Thinking quickly, I made a sharp turn. The walls on either side of me were brick and covered in graffiti, like the dark alleys from horror movies. Not an encouraging sign. At the end of the small lane were two large garbage bins and a chain link fence. Great. I accelerated my speed and sprinted toward the garbage bins, using momentum to swing up onto them.
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Nice imagery there! As with the second paragraph, I really got a feel for the character's situation and personality.
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With a small moan, I hauled myself over the fence. And cleared it. Or so I thought. My jeans snagged onto a crooked wire and I let out a small gasp of surprise. Instead of landing smoothly as planned, I landed with a jarring thump to my knees, tumbled to the ground, skidded on my left forearm and hit my forehead on solid asphalt. Using momentum and pure adrenaline, I rolled up onto my feet and staggered into a run. I hastily wiped the blood off my forehead and arm before glancing over my shoulder. Through the fog, I could make out a dark figure approaching. Was it even human? I shook my head; whatever it was, it was gaining on me. My aching knees protested to the sudden increase in speed and I held my arm rather stiffly at my side as I followed the small side street on my left. My spirits fell as I realized it was not a street a recognized. I was lost.
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A little cliche, but I'm not the type to harry you about that sort of thing. After all, everything will eventually become cliche, will it not? Anyways, I like the way you wrote that scene. It wasn't too rushed but it didn't move at an agonizing pace, either.
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I dragged in a huge gasp for air, feeling my eyes widen at the effort required. It burned my throat like sandpaper on the way down. I pushed my hair out of my eyes and continued to glance around frantically for an escape. Before me, the street curved and opened up into a familiar firehouse. Memories of second grade field trips flashed through my mind, demented and rushed. Was this what is like to face impending doom? Random flashbacks and pain?
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I underlined the first sentence because I think it would sound better if you said 'I dragged in a huge gasp of air' instead of 'for air' But I love the way you added a bit about her wondering what death was going to be like.
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However random the flashbacks were, they aided me in remembering where the fire escape ladder was. With another anxious glance over my shoulder, I rounded the corner of the firehouse, gauged the height of the ladder, jumped, grabbed the cold bar, and swung myself up. My fingers fumbled with the bars and I made my way nervously up the ladder, an odd metallic taste in my mouth.
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I underlined 'cold' because I think you should say 'first' unstead. The reason for that is in my next sentence:
I underlined the 'bars' because you had used it already in the previous sentence. Maybe try something like this: 'My fingers fumbled with the cold steel rungs'
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That was when I decided that whatever was chasing me was most definitely not my postman. It launched itself onto the roof in one jump, nearly nine feet up!
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A hint of dark humour there; nice.
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The next moment was when I laid my eyes on my worst nightmare. At first, I thought it was a bear. Then I realized that it had a distinctly feline form, but it was too big, bigger than a lion and its eyes were too intelligent, chillingly bloodthirsty, an eerie bright red, glistening with orange tints. Its’ fur was a silvery black, ruffled but still shining in the dim moonlight. The moonlight! I looked up at the sky for the first time that night and saw that it was a full moon.
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Again, a little cliche, but oh well. Full moons do happen. But I loved your description of the Werecat!
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Intuition rippled down my spine, infusing me with fear and adrenaline. Werecat. I had heard whispers of teasing myths, seen websites that claimed truth in their existence. Fools, I had thought, Idiots. It’s impossible. But why was it so impossible? After all, I believed in tigers and wolves, I had read science articles claiming the lunar cycle to affect dog behavior. Why not?
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I have nothing constructive to say here...sorry. But taht's because the paragraph was devoid of anything to critisize!
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The werecat snarled a deep yet keening sound that cut through the fog and into the depths of my heart before it dropped into a crouch. I took an unconscious step back, feeling my muscles tense. My heart was panicking in my chest and I worried it would provoke the werecat, the sound of blood pulsing through me. It pulled its lip back to reveal a row of large glinting white fangs. Were those bloodstains on the teeth?
From that point, it all happened very fast.
----------------------
I underlined that phrase because I don't think the structure is grammatically correct. I would suggest changing it to: 'My heart was panicking in my chest and I worried that the rushing of blood through my veins would provoke the Werecat' or something along those lines.
The other sentence was underlined because I think you could make it alot more interesting, maybe something like this: 'The silvery glow of moonlight cast everything into an odd, somber light. Shadows flickered eerily in the beast's gaping maw, but upon closer inspection I saw that what I had thought were shadows were a sickly crimson color...blood?!'
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The werecat tensed and flung itself at me with such speed and agility that I wondered how I ended up dodging to the side. But the huge cat turned on one paw and before the momentum had carried it through that motion, leaped at me again. I dodged, but not quick enough this time. It cuffed my shoulder and I fell to the ground, sprawled on my back. I don’t know when or how the cat’s teeth made contact with my right forearm but the effect was immediate.
-------------------------------
The suspense! The action! I love it!
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A sudden pain burst through my arm where the cat bit, like fire it spread through my veins, burning, raging, consuming everything else. I felt my hand clench into a fist, felt the weight of the cat on my chest, the unbearable agony in my arm. Suddenly the weight on my chest was gone, knocked clean off. I heard low snarling, the chilling sound of teeth snapping, claws tearing. Then, with a high-pitched whine, the sound was gone.
-------------------------------
I underlined the first sentence because it doesn't quite make sense. Maybe something like this: 'A sudden pain burst ripped through my arm where the cat bit spreading like liquid fire through my veins; burning, raging, consuming everything else.' But asides from that, it was great! Lovely descriptions!
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With nothing to distract me from the burning nova of agony that was my arm, I fainted.
* * *
I slipped in and out of consciousness, never comprehending anything but pain. It was spreading. The intense burning sensation now occupied my entire right arm, my head, and my upper torso. I was desperate to unravel what had happened but the compulsive headache acted as a black hole, consuming all thought, leaving me with no distractions from the pain. Every once in a while, it faded and I was able to feel my exhausted body, limp and exhausted, but when it started I could feel my body struggling against something, jerking and twisting in spastic bursts of pain. I could hear the voice I recognized as my own, screaming in agony, desperate for relief. Then I would sink back into the encompassing inevitability of torture.
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Very nice vocabulary! I underlined that sentence because you used 'exhasuted' twice in one phrase, which could be improved.
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Eventually, something broke through the pain, something reassuring, soothing, and sympathetic. A voice. I began to look forward to the voice; my only escape from what I was sure was death although I thought everyone said death was quick and painless. I could never tell where the voice was coming from, but it numbed the pain slightly and for that I near worshipped it.
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Nothing wrong with this paragraph ^^ The story is going along great!
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“It’s okay. It will stop, I promise. Shh, stop screaming. I promise you’ll be okay, it will be alright. I promise,” the voice would say. Every time it spoke to me, it promised I would be okay. But the pain hadn’t stopped yet. Was it lying?
The pain was everywhere now. It was the worst it had ever been. The voice was lying! It was evil, I hated it! I screamed at the voice, begged it to make it stop, accused it of all that hurt, I hated the voice!
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Oh the angst, oh the drama! I think you should cut down on the 'It was evil' just a bit.
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But it was dulling now, less of a poisoned fire and more of a numb pressure everywhere.
And then, after one last burst of unbearable pain, it stopped with a suddenness that left me breathless.
My eyes flew open and I absorbed the scene before me with incredible speed. I was in a white windowless room, on a small bed in the corner, staring up into the face of a pale, blonde, middle-aged man.
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Nice descriptive of the pain (poisoned fire etc)! I love how you didn't rush the whole agonized part.
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“Hello,” he smiled.
I stared blankly at him as my mind registered the obvious; he was the voice. I recognized it immediately, recognized what I thought had been my savior and then what I thought had lied to me. I also realized that I had been wrong to think he was lying, seeing as the pain was gone. The only discomfort I felt was the ache in my muscles, weary from enduring so much.
“What the heck happened to me?” I asked groggily, yawning and rubbing my forehead absently.
----------------------------
Good dialogue! It fits in with their thoughts earlier in the story (about the mailman and such)
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“You transformed,” he answered simply, his blue eyes penetrating mine.
My eyes widened as I realized what he meant. I don’t know about you but it didn’t seem like a very skillful way to drop the bomb on me. “You mean I…? And that…? And you…?”-I gestured awkwardly in his direction and then raised my hand to my head again-“So I’m…?” I stuttered unintelligibly in disbelief for a couple of minutes before leaning back into the pillow and closing my eyes.
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I underlined he sentence because you used 'eyes' again...sorry but I'm really picky with things like that! Maybe say: 'His blue gaze penetrating mine' or something like that, you know?[/i]
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He nodded, eyes still searching mine, perhaps for a clue to how I was going to react next.
I was still too stunned to move. My mind slipped and scrambled around, still trying to wrap itself around the concept.
I’m a werecat?! This is ridiculous! These kind of things don’t happen in real life! Maybe this isn’t real life, maybe I’m still in bed at home dreaming, maybe I didn’t take the long way home, maybe I’ll wake up safe and warm, yah right and maybe the moon is made out of cream cheese… there was way too much pain for a dream. A person can’t just imagine that kind of pain in a dream.
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I really like how you captured his/her (still don't know the gender) sense of bewilderement, however, I underlined the last sentence because of the double use of both 'pain' and dream'. I would suggest changing it to: 'there was way too much pain for a dream. A person can't just imagine that kind of agony'.
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So now, I just had to face the facts. And the facts (or the believed facts, I still wasn’t fully willing to accept that I had just been turned into a werecat) were: one, that I had just been mauled and bitten by a mythical creature, two, that I had just turned into a werecat and three, that I was most likely losing my mind. Seeing as I was already going mad, I decided to go along with it.
“So,” I sat up, facing the man again, “Now that I’ve gone completely insane, would you mind telling me who the heck you are and why you’re here?”
The man looked surprised, then he smiled and answered, “My name is Rourke Wooten, I am also a werecat and I saved your life.”
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I like how you saved him/her asking about the man's identity until later. It seems more real; people tend to think only about the terrible thing that's just happened to them rather than who they were saved by, you know? I'm sorry if I typed that in a way that was hard to understand, so if you don't, what I meant to say was: good job!
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“Why? I mean, wouldn’t you want to kill me too?” I had a feeling this was going to be confusing.
“Yes and no.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“Yes, because it is in my nature to kill and no because we’re running low on recruits and you nearly escaped a full-grown werecat. I can’t believe Guerin didn’t see it, but he always was a fool. Pity I had to kill him though.”
“So Guerin was the guy trying to kill me and you killed him but he bit me so now I’m… wait! What do you mean recruits? Are you fighting some sort of war?!”
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I liked how Rourke said'yes and no'. It makes me understand his dual nature; the feral, werecat side and the civilized, well-mannered human side.
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Rourke looked at me as if I had asked… well, as if I had asked a very stupid question, and answered, “Werecats are always fighting a war.”
I waited.
He stared.
“Against…?” I probed.
“Various enemies,” he answered dismissively.
Don’t you just love it when people get straight to the point like that?
The annoyance must have shown on my face because Rourke
answered, “Look, I can’t explain it to you right now. It’s not safe. Can you move?”
Ugh… moving was about the last thing I wanted to do right now.
“Do you want me to carry you?”
Hmm, walk or have some random stranger old enough to be my dad carry me? Tough choice, that. “Nah I’m good.”
He smiled, “Follow me then.”
Oh joy, this was going to be fun.
***
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I love how you ended that- it makes me really, really want to find out what happpens to him/her. The only thing that confused me was Rourke's first dismissive but polite demeanour changing to a more irritated yet more casual one. I can understand if that's because he must have been getting impatient, so it might be a good idea to slip in a sentence like this somewhere: 'He must have been getting irritated, because he said impatiently; "Look, I can’t explain it to you right now. It’s not safe. Can you move?”' You know?
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OVERALL:
Wow, that was one intense bit of writing. It grabbed my attention from the start and held it until the very end, and even then it left me eager for more. That's a sure sign of a good author, you know!
I think you must have put alot of time and thought/effort into this piece because I've read your others and this is by far the best yet. You really captured his/her emotions and you didn't rush the action, which I really appreciate.
So, I have come to the conclusion that with a tiny bit of editing, this has the definite potential to be a truly fantastic story.
Keep writing! (Or else... )
Jk,
Ayra |
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canislupis
Hello! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 730 Reviews: 341
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Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 12:47 am Post subject: |
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Hmm, Very nice!! I had a good feeling of suspense and there was excellent description. I will be working on an in-depth critique, which I will try to post some time tomorrow.
The pros of this seem to be it's fascinating and engaging nature, excellent descriptions, and vivid imagery. One negative comment I had was that it does get a bit confused in the middle/end. Overall though, this is not the kind of thing you will find someone skimming through.
Potential!!!
I will come back to this, I promise.
See you soon! (figuratively)  |
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BigBadBear
Pokémon! Gotta catch 'em all! Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 07 Oct 2007 Posts: 1720 Reviews: 615 Country: USA 937 Points
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Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 1:02 am Post subject: |
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Hey! Whoa! That was way cool! I loved it! The only thing that bugged me was that the whole scene when he/she? wakes up. It doesn't seem very realistic.
What would you do if you just found out you were a werecat? You wouldn't really be so happy and curious to see what's going on. You just found out that your life has been freaking changed! You would be horrified, but the character didn't seem very concerned. Anyway, that's the only thing that bugged me.
Other than that, this is REALLY good. You use really good descriptions and stuff, and the suspence was horribly good! lol that's a good thing! With all of the action and description, it just made the perfect blend!
I think you just have made a #1 fan!
BBB
[EDIT] Just wanted to tell you! I loved the first paragraph! Very well written and mysterious! |
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Last edited by BigBadBear on Thu Nov 15, 2007 1:04 am; edited 1 time in total |
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cat4prowl
Speaker of the Forum

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Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 1:02 am Post subject: |
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| you guys left awesome critiques, better than i've ever recieved before and i loved it! thank you so much. i also liked how you looked at the piece with such different viewpoints! i know that you don't even know for sure the gender or appearance of our character and i will hopefully fix that. i might post an edited version of the story at the bottom sometime but im not sure. you guys are great thanx so much! |
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cat4prowl
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Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 1:04 am Post subject: |
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oh and bigbad i will explain the whole unsurprised thing in the next chapter because it turns out that our mc is wondering that too.  |
_________________ A true athlete doesn't run six miles without even breaking a sweat. A true athlete runs six miles, drenched in sweat. -Me
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Wolf
ςђเคг๏รςยг๏ Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 25 Oct 2007 Posts: 1411 Reviews: 574 Country: in Atlanta, with my super-hawt rapper boyfriend.<3 386 Points
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Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 1:17 am Post subject: |
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bigbadbear, I think you have competition for 1rst place!
Hey cat4prowl, can I just call you cat? It's easier that way
Anyways, I have an idea for the whole finding out how he/she looks. It's in italics below and I just randomly chose an appearance but ignore all that because you probably have your own image of what they look like. I just needed something to write about:
"Have I changed much?" I asked tentatively, wincing as my voice came out in a hoarse, strangled whisper.
Rourke averted his eyes, but he sounded surprisingly gentle, "Go have a look in the mirror."
Wordlessly I pushed out my chair and left the room. How different would I look?
The answer hit me like a slap in the face.
My hair had once been brown, like melted chocolate. Now, it shaded my eyes in rough-cut, jagged slashes of ink-black. My skin was pale and my cheekbones stood out more than they used to. But it was my eyes that had really changed.
They were still green, but now they were darker, shadowed with the weight of my curse. They had an awful depth to them now, and the more I looked, the more I saw of my dual nature; flashes of savagery in shocking, brutal contrast to my human self, curdled moonlight, the lyric strains of hot blood...Yes. I had definitely changed. There was a wild, feral side to me now, and I was going to have to get used to it.
Don't mind my clumsy bit of writing, but I'm bored so I thought I would do it. Don't critique though. It's just a suggestion for how he/she will notice their Werecat self. |
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Azila
Yes we did! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 23 Jul 2007 Posts: 968 Reviews: 501 Country: The Valley of the Wind 326 Points
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Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 2:02 am Post subject: Re: Depredation of Nightmares |
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[Okay, I wrote this before everyone left comments and I didn't rewrite it after coming back to it. Please excuse me if I'm saying things people have already said ]
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Yes, this IS going to be fun!
| cat4prowl wrote: |
| It was partly this silence that had me running for my life. But mostly it was because I was being chased by… something. What? I had no clue. But whatever it was, it was out to get me. Or maybe it was my imagination. Maybe it was just the postman running after me with a really exciting package. At 10:30 at night. Riiight… |
This part kind of confused me. It doesn't seem to me like thoughts like these would be going through a person's head while they're being chased for their life.
| cat4prowl wrote: |
| So anyways, I was running for my life. |
"Anyways" actually isn't a word. It's used enough to be one, maybe, but the actual word is "anyway." Of course, you can leave it just for colloquials' sake, but I just thought I'd point it out.
| cat4prowl wrote: |
| It involves a lot of breathing. A lot. |
This is kind of telling and not showing. Explain how it feels like her lungs are about to burst from the effort and how she feels like she can't take in enough breath to satisfy her body, etc. You could even more some of the description that you use later on to here. The description of it feeling like sandpaper going down.
| cat4prowl wrote: |
| an odd metallic taste in my mouth. |
Try going into a bit more detail here. Otherwise, the mention seems kind of out of the blue.
| cat4prowl wrote: |
| Its’ fur was a silvery black, ruffled but still shining in the dim moonlight. |
Should be "its" not "its'"
| cat4prowl wrote: |
| Intuition rippled down my spine, infusing me with fear and adrenaline. Werecat. I had heard whispers of teasing myths, seen websites that claimed truth in their existence. Fools, I had thought, Idiots. It’s impossible. But why was it so impossible? After all, I believed in tigers and wolves, I had read science articles claiming the lunar cycle to affect dog behavior. Why not? |
Again, this doesn't seem like the kind of thing that you would think while being confronted with a bloodthirsty beast. Maybe try putting this as an "I thought later" kind of thing?
| cat4prowl wrote: |
| I could never tell where the voice was coming from, but it numbed the pain slightly and for that I near worshipped it. |
1) should be "nearly" not "near"
2) "worshiped" not "worshipped"
| cat4prowl wrote: |
| And the facts (or the believed facts, I still wasn’t fully willing to accept that I had just been turned into a werecat) were: |
I think you should change the parenthetical bit to: "(or the believed facts, I still wasn’t fully willing to accept that I had just been turned into a werecat)
[quote="cat4prowl']“So Guerin was the guy trying to kill me and you killed him but he bit me so now I’m… wait! What do you mean recruits? Are you fighting some sort of war?!” [/quote]
I found all of the dialogue a little unnatural. Especially this bit. I don't think she should be the one to suggest the war in the first place. And also, I think she should be a little more surprised that he killed someone.
| cat4prowl wrote: |
| Ugh… moving was about the last thing I wanted to do right now. |
I think it should be "right then" not "right now"
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Overall it is very good and has a lot of potential. I like the cynical commentary between the action... but at times you over do it, in which case it gets in the way, so you need to work on that.
The other thing to work on is the dialogue, as I already pointed out. Try to imagine that you're in her shoes, would you really say stuff like that?
Please PM me if you have questions/comments concerning my critique.
Oh... and don't take the criticisms too harshly, I really do like this! Please PM me when you post more of it!!
Hope this helps,
~Azila~ |
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jwoot14
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 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 29 Oct 2007 Posts: 12 Reviews: 13 Country: USA 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 4:46 am Post subject: |
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see, see, i told you wooten would be perfect, go my last name go me |
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cat4prowl
Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 22 Oct 2007 Posts: 824 Reviews: 132 Country: Alagaësia 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 4:28 pm Post subject: |
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ok i decided to put in my edited version of this chapter. here it is:
Chapter 1
All was silent. Not the nice silence that makes you feel calm and comforted, but the dark eerie silence that makes you twitch nervously. The kind of silence that scares you because there shouldn’t be silence, like you should be hearing something you’re not. The kind of silence that hangs in the air like mist, the kind of silence that seems to cling to your skin with cold, formless fingers. The kind of silence that makes people on the street quicken their pace in unprovoked alarm or start at the slightest sound, makes clammy sweat break out on their brow.
It was partly this silence that had me running for my life. But mostly it was because I was being chased by… something. What? I had no clue. But whatever it was, it was out to get me. Or maybe it was my imagination. Maybe it was just the postman running after me with a really exciting package. At 10:30 at night. Riiight…
So anyways, I was running for my life. Let me tell you, it’s not fun. It involves a lot of breathing. A lot. I threw another glance over my shoulder, though I knew all I would see was a sheet of eerie fog. My muscles were all screaming in pain and a jarring sensation shot through my shins each time my feet pounded the sidewalk. My eyes scurried around in the darkness and found a small alleyway to my left.
Thinking quickly, I made a sharp turn. The walls on either side of me were brick and covered in graffiti, like the dark alleys from horror movies. Not an encouraging sign. At the end of the small lane were two large garbage bins and a chain link fence. Great. I accelerated my speed and sprinted toward the garbage bins, using momentum to swing up onto them.
With a small moan, I hauled myself over the fence. And cleared it. Or so I thought. My jeans snagged on a crooked wire and I let out a small gasp of surprise. Instead of landing smoothly as planned, I landed with a jarring thump to my knees, tumbled to the ground, skidded on my left forearm and hit my forehead on solid asphalt. Using momentum and pure adrenaline, I rolled up onto my feet and staggered into a run. I hastily wiped the blood off my forehead and arm before glancing over my shoulder. Through the fog, I could make out a dark figure approaching. Was it even human?
I shook my head; whatever it was, it was gaining on me. My aching knees protested to the sudden increase in speed and I held my arm rather stiffly at my side as I followed the small side street on my left. My spirits fell as I realized it was not a street a recognized.
I dragged in a huge gasp of air, feeling my eyes widen at the effort required. It burned my throat like sandpaper on the way down. I pushed my hair out of my eyes and continued to glance around frantically for an escape. Before me, the street curved and opened up into a familiar firehouse. Memories of second grade field trips flashed through my mind, demented and rushed. Was this what is like to face impending doom? Random flashbacks and pain?
However random the flashbacks were, they aided me in remembering where the fire escape ladder was. With another anxious glance over my shoulder, I rounded the corner of the firehouse, gauged the height of the ladder, jumped, grabbed the first bar, and swung myself up. My fingers fumbled with the cold metal rung and I made my way nervously up the ladder, an odd metallic taste in my mouth.
That was when I decided that whatever was chasing me was most definitely not my postman. It launched itself onto the roof in one jump, nearly nine feet up!
The next moment I laid my eyes on my worst nightmare. At first, I thought it was a bear. Then I realized that it had a distinctly feline form, but it was too big, bigger than a lion and its eyes were too intelligent, chillingly bloodthirsty, an eerie bright red, glistening with orange tints. Its fur was a silvery black, ruffled but still shining in the dim moonlight. The moonlight! I looked up at the sky for the first time that night and saw that it was a full moon.
Intuition rippled down my spine, infusing me with fear and adrenaline. Werecat. I had heard whispers of teasing myths, seen websites that claimed truth in their existence. Fools, I had thought, Idiots. It’s impossible. But why was it so impossible? After all, I believed in tigers and wolves; I had read science articles claiming the lunar cycle to affect dog behavior. Why not?
The werecat snarled a deep, yet keening, sound that cut through the fog and into the depths of my heart before it dropped into a crouch. I took an unconscious step back, feeling my muscles tense. My heart was panicking in my chest and I worried the sound of blood pulsing through my veins would provoke the werecat. It pulled its lip back to reveal a row of large glinting white fangs. Were those bloodstains on the teeth?
From that point, it all happened very fast.
The werecat tensed and flung itself at me with such speed and agility that I wondered how I ended up dodging to the side. But the huge cat turned on one paw and before the momentum had carried it through that motion, leaped at me again. I dodged, but not quick enough this time. It cuffed my shoulder and I fell to the ground, sprawled on my back. I don’t know when or how the cat’s teeth made contact with my right forearm but the effect was immediate.
A sudden pain burst through my arm where the cat bit spreading like fire through my veins, burning, raging, consuming everything else. I felt my hand clench into a fist, felt the weight of the cat on my chest, the unbearable agony in my arm. Suddenly the weight on my chest was gone, knocked clean off. I heard low snarling, the chilling sound of teeth snapping, claws tearing. Then, with a high-pitched whine, the sound was gone.
With nothing to distract me from the burning nova of agony that was my arm, I fainted.
* * *
I slipped in and out of consciousness, never comprehending anything but pain. It was spreading. The intense burning sensation now occupied my entire right arm, my head, and my upper torso. I was desperate to unravel what had happened but the compulsive headache acted as a black hole, consuming all thought, leaving me with no distractions from the pain. Every once in a while, it faded and I was able to feel my exhausted body, limp and weary, but when it started I could feel my body struggling against something, jerking and twisting in spastic bursts of pain. I could hear the voice I recognized as my own, screaming in agony, desperate for relief. Then I would sink back into the encompassing inevitability of torture.
Eventually, something broke through the pain, something reassuring, soothing, and sympathetic. A voice. I began to look forward to the voice; my only escape from what I was sure was death although I thought everyone said death was quick and painless. I could never tell where the voice was coming from, but it numbed the pain slightly and for that I near worshipped it.
“It’s okay. It will stop, I promise. Shh, stop screaming. I promise you’ll be okay, it will be alright. I promise,” the voice would say. Every time it spoke to me, it promised I would be okay. But the pain hadn’t stopped yet. Was it lying?
The pain was everywhere now. It was the worst it had ever been. The voice was lying! It was evil, I hated it! I screamed at the voice, begged it to make it stop, accused it of all that hurt, I hated the voice!
But it was dulling now, less of a poisoned fire and more of a numb pressure everywhere.
And then, after one last burst of unbearable pain, it stopped with a suddenness that left me breathless.
My eyes flew open and I absorbed the scene before me with incredible speed. I was in a white windowless room, on a small bed in the corner, staring up into the face of a pale, blonde, middle-aged man.
“Hello,” he smiled.
I stared blankly at him as my mind registered the obvious; he was the voice. I recognized it immediately, recognized what I thought had been my savior and then what I thought had lied to me. I also realized that I had been wrong to think he was lying, seeing as the pain was gone. The only discomfort I felt was the ache in my muscles, weary from enduring so much.
“What the heck happened to me?” I asked groggily, yawning and rubbing my forehead absently.
“You transformed,” ha answered simply, his blue eyes penetrating mine.
My eyes widened as I realized what he meant. I don’t know about you but it didn’t seem like a very skillful way to drop the bomb on me. “You mean I…? And that…? And you…?”-I gestured awkwardly in his direction and then raised my hand to my head again-“So I’m…?” I stuttered unintelligibly in disbelief for a couple of minutes before leaning back into the pillow and closing my eyes.
He nodded, eyes still searching mine, perhaps for a clue to how I was going to react next.
I was still too stunned to move. My mind slipped and scrambled around, still trying to wrap itself around the concept.
I’m a werecat?! This is ridiculous! These kind of things don’t happen in real life! Maybe this isn’t real life, maybe I’m still in bed at home dreaming, maybe I didn’t take the long way home, maybe I’ll wake up safe and warm, yah right and maybe the moon is made out of cream cheese… there was way too much pain for a dream. A person can’t just imagine that kind of agony.
So now, I just had to face the facts. And the facts (or the believed facts, I still wasn’t fully willing to accept that I had just been turned into a werecat) were: one, that I had just been mauled and bitten by a mythical creature, two, that I had just turned into a werecat and three, that I was most likely losing my mind. Seeing as I was already going mad, I decided to go along with it.
“So,” I sat up, facing the man again, “Now that I’ve gone completely insane, would you mind telling me who the heck you are and why you’re here?”
The man looked surprised, then he smiled and answered, “My name is Rourke Wooten, I am also a werecat and I saved your life.”
“Why? I mean, wouldn’t you want to kill me too?” I had a feeling this was going to be confusing.
“Yes and no.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“Yes, because it is in my nature to kill and no because we’re running low on recruits and you nearly escaped a full-grown werecat. I can’t believe Guerin didn’t see it, but he always was a fool. Pity I had to kill him though.”
“So Guerin was the guy trying to kill me and you killed him but he bit me so now I’m… wait! What do you mean recruits? Are you fighting some sort of war?!”
Rourke looked at me as if I had asked… well, as if I had asked a very stupid question, and answered, “Werecats are always fighting a war.”
I waited.
He stared.
“Against…?” I probed.
“Various enemies,” he answered dismissively.
Don’t you just love it when people get straight to the point li | |