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inky_libertine
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 Posted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 10:49 am Post subject: Lady, Leave Your Chaos At Home |
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Why Don't You
Bring your polka dotted dress
with one of your mischievous smiles?
But lady, leave your chaos at home.
As you walked through our door
and all eyes went to what you held
in your pretty, perfect, little hands -
We all, we all knew
that you didn't, you didn't succeed. |
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Last edited by inky_libertine on Wed Nov 14, 2007 6:50 am; edited 1 time in total |
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somethingcreative
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| Posted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 10:55 am Post subject: |
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| This is short and really good. |
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Lynlyn
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| Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 1:25 am Post subject: |
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So I'm still not really sure what this is about.
I've read it a couple of times and I really like the imagery, but I'm a little confused as to where you were going with it. The repetition in the last two lines makes it sound a little like it was written to be lyrics to a song, but... I'm still rather puzzled as far as the subject matter goes. |
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Hunter
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| Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 11:28 pm Post subject: |
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| Moved to lyrics at request of the author. |
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iQuippie
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| Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 10:56 pm Post subject: |
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| Uhh... I don't get it. What was it about and why was it so short? |
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Kit
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| Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 11:33 pm Post subject: |
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This is not robbed of sense, I like your concept, I like your specific material things with your abstract and emotional objects. That's the central idea I got from this, but you know, a lyric's meaning adapts to the audience, bless em, but I saw this as the physical necessity, the physicality of a woman, of wealth and possession, concealing the frail messiness of her, the baggage, as it were. To the persona, it's out of sight out of mind, he'll have her abolish it within herself, remain in the part of the pleasing coquette, but she fails at her pretence.
Shortness is not an issue either, my main problem with this is getting my head around the rhythm, it would help a lot if you could give us a little insight as to how you would voice this, what style, what instrumentation, just what's going on musically. There is not an immediately inherent meter in this, are you don't play with sonics so much, rhyme is not necessary, but how it fits in a singer's mouth is, it has to sound right.
Reminds me vaguely of Gogol Bordello's "Start Wearing Purple" in some strange way, but I felt this had more of a blues feel to it for some reason, Damon Davies' blues, he's like an upbeat blues if their such a thing.
Good word, like to see what you'd do with libretto, actually... |
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TL G-Wooster
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| Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 11:46 pm Post subject: |
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Erm...
Deep. Really deep. Actually, it was so deep, I didn't understand a word of it. 
No, that's too harsh. If it had a good tune, then I'd like to hear it for real. It's confusing, yes, but not so that it don't make mucho sense, I guess. |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 12:01 am Post subject: |
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Wow, that was so cool. 
I agree with twit--this was deep. Or abstract. I dunno. Same thing, really. Or they are to poor, decrepit souls like me anyways.
Well, the imagery was pleasing. I loved the whole mischievous smile and dress thing, for some reason. Usually I prefer imagery like wind-scalded faces and lashing rain. But I'm just ...Odd. With a capital O, because I didn't want to say I'm retarded...0_o
So yeah. I'm rambling. What I meant to say is that this is amazing!
Keep writing,
Ayra  (In a siiiilly mood.) |
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Gwenevire
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| Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 12:02 am Post subject: |
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Very nice work!
Its deep and very well done!
Keep poeting! |
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Leja
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| Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 1:21 am Post subject: |
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I've been looking at this title in the list of recent posts for a while now. I like it. And I like the line breaks. I think that would translate well into song. It's short and lovely-ly self-contained.
I like the detail within the general (the dress is specified as polka dotted and her smile mischievous, but she just walks through the door, not skips/walks with poise/twirls/etc. Kinda like a black and white photograph where the bow in the lady's hair is still bright blue. I like how it ends, too, with you knowing essentially what's happened, that the lady has walked in and brought her chaos with her, but the 'story' isn't continued beyond that.
Nice ^_^ |
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Fandilocks
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| Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 1:43 pm Post subject: |
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| Lovely. I think the only suggestion I could make is to make us see how the woman is mischievous, and then cut that word out--it's rather ungainly, and though concision works beautifully here, it doesn't give as much play-room. |
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Minniax
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| Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 1:52 pm Post subject: |
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I didn't understand it.
Then again, I never understand poems, but this one REALLY stumped me.
| Quote: |
We all, we allknew
that you didn't, you didn'tsucceed. |
I didn't really care for the repeated words, but then again thats just me =] |
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