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Well this shouldn't be! Chapter 1
Well this shouldn't be!  Chapter 1

by Lord Anzius in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on November 10, 2007
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4 Thomas Pinewood & The Grail Of Champions: Irish Journe
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EliteHusky   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 10, 2007 9:20 pm    Post subject: 4 Thomas Pinewood & The Grail Of Champions: Irish Journe Reply with quote

The water became unpleasantly cold as the wind blew through some of the broken windows. Thomas knew instantly that the plane had crashed. He was still strapped in his seat and the legs of his pants were soaked in water. A whistling noise came from above as Thomas peered out of the window at the dark cloudy sky. It had begun to rain. He turned to see Charlie besides him sitting limply on the seat becoming conscious,

“Mum! When is William coming home?”

As others around him started talking to each other confirming they were okay, Emma greeted him.

“Is your friend injured?”

“Only my heart mum.” At least Charlie’s sense of humour was returning.

Thomas took this opportunity to confirm his doubts, “Did you see what caused this crash?”

Emma stared out of the broken window, “Before we all blacked out, I remember seeing a trail of blood trailing from the front of the plane.”

Thomas gazed at her in bewilderment, “Blood? Where could that have come from?”

At this Charlie wiped his face with his hands, “This Irish plane, it’s the transport to Bagintons Academy for anyone belonging to the Irish Dragons. I recall my dad telling me and William it was pulled by actual dragons.”

Emma returned her focus to Thomas and Charlie, “Dragons?”

Charlie shook off the confusion he had left, “yep Bulgarian Dragons! Seems quite fitting actually. Their scales bend light so of course we can’t see them but if blood was trailing from the front of the plane that means that one of them was injured.”

Thomas continued to gaze out of the window at the sight of strange figures slowly approaching, “I wonder how that happened….”

Charlie interrupted him, “Well, it could have been lightning, judging by the sky.”

Emma stared at Charlie as if he were nuts, “A lightning strike could not have led to that trail of blood I saw! If one of the Bulgarian Dragons were struck by lightning it would have fried them or just bounce off their scales since they reflect light and possibly energy!”

Thomas turned to Emma, “Are you suggesting that they were targeted?”

At that moment a wave of water came through the window besides him and knocked off his glasses, which thankfully, Emma caught, “Here” she said handing them to Thomas while surveying the rest of the passengers.

As Thomas stared out of the broken window to see what was happening he realized that the plane should have sunk by now with it already bearing water. As he suggested this to Emma she instantly shrieked, “The dragon is holding the plane from sinking!”

Charlie laughed, “I’d like to see a dragon that was so fat it could hold up this plane and touch the bottom of this, ocean.”

Emma angrily replied, “Surely they’d use more than one considering the importance of this journey.”

Charlie then combated this by saying that she had initially mentioned one dragon, which led to a series of “I wish you were still unconscious!” and “Well maybe you should watch your vocabulary!”

In the midst of this Thomas had to check his laugh several times and finally a loud grumbling sound erupted from beneath them that ended all discussions. As he looked out of the window he could notice the water parting gently. A long brown ship was emerging first with the sail containing the image of a husky’s face bearing teeth, followed by the mast and the rest of the ship. It was merely twenty feet away from them and new voices were shouting above.

“Quickly! Pentele toss the ladders! Jolan get Igor and see if anybody is hurt!”

The figures Thomas noticed earlier had apparently landed on top of the ship as they were no longer visible and he could make out more chatter.

“Matthew! Fly down to survey the plane!”

Thomas and Charlie unbuckled their seat belts and began helping the others on board who had trouble with theirs. Thomas bolted towards the front of the plane remembering they had not seen the pilot since. As he gripped the handle and tried to turn it the handle would not budge. The door was tightly locked.

Charlie waded through the water towards him. As he passed by the others nearly five feet away from him a hatch under his feet came loose and he was dragged below.

“CHARLIE!”

Thomas and a couple of other students nearby ran to the hatch. He gripped Charlie’s wand, as he looked below Charlie was gripping on tightly to a piece of loose metal attached to the plane and with the help of others he was pulled back out after which he was coughing furiously. They were all breathing heavily and the rain outside begun to fall harder.



Last edited by EliteHusky on Wed Jul 09, 2008 11:20 pm; edited 3 times in total
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kitty15   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 6:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like the idea of having the dragons pull the plane but seriously, this is too parallel to Harry Potter. You've made it so that the dragons are invisible, your main character has glasses and they're knocked from his head on the way to a wizarding school? Sorry but you've really got to be careful if you're writing about a theme already covered recently.

Also, what happened to Thomas and his friends having to go to the ministry? You can't keep missing scenes out.

On a more positive note, you do have some nice descriptions and some great action, some good dialogue too but you're going to have to be more careful to keep your story unique. Here's the usual pointers -

He turned to see Charlie besides him sitting limply on the seat becoming conscious,

At this Charlie wiped his face with his hands, “This Irish plane, it’s the transport to Bagintons Academy for anyone belonging to the Irish Dragons. I recall my dad telling me and William it was pulled by actual dragons.”

Charlie shook off the confusion he had left, “yep Bulgarian Dragons! Seems quite fitting actually.

“A lightning strike could not have lead led to that trail of blood I saw! If one of the Bulgarian Dragons were struck by lightning it would have fried them or just bounce off their scales since they reflect light and possibly energy!”

At that moment a wave of water came through the window besides him and knocked off his glasses, which thankfully, Emma caught, “Here” she said handing it them to Thomas while surveying the rest of the passengers.

As Thomas stared out of the broken window to see what was happening he realized that the plane should have sunk by now with it already bearing water.

Charlie then combated this by saying the that she had initially mentioned one dragon, which led to a series of “I wish you were still unconscious!” and “Well maybe you should watch your vocabulary!”

In this the midst of this Thomas had to check his laugh several times and finally a loud grumbling sound erupted from beneath them that ended all discussions.

Well that's it for now but let me know when you have more and I can take a look. Also, you should review some work for other people, that way you'll get more comments on yours and it's generally fairer for everyone. I hope my comments have been helpful,

Heather xx

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Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings.
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