I'll agree that this is really stupid (I mean absolutely stupid!), but don't take it seriously. If you do, you might get sorely offended....just remember, this is strictly a parody. If you want to, just put your brain on the shelf and go ahead and read.
I like to think it's a little funny, but I could be wrong...
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Scene I: Fan Fic
Script for FANGS! (Exclamation point required)
E: (walks across the parking lot and holds out his hand) Hello, my name is Edward Colon.
B: Bella (shakes his hand, then laughs). Poor you.
E: Why?
B: Your last name.
E: What about it?
B Come on, you know...
E: No, what?
B: Well I don't know, it's your last name.
E: Yeah. Colon.
B: Don't you see it...?
E: What?
B: Your name!
E: What do you mean?
B: What do you mean what do I mean? That's worse than Stain, or Barf Bag, or McLovin'!
E: Oh, Superbad? I love that freakin' movie! "I am McLovin'!" But what does that have to do with my last name?
B: It sounds nasty!
E: How? You're making no sense!
B: You moron! Colon! Colon!
E: Yeah...so...
B: Oh, nevermind, you idiot.
E: What did you just call me? (gets mad and shoots her) Oops. (silence) Oh! I get it!
(walks away)
E: Hey Alice! Guess what this girl just told me!
****
Scene II
(B enters classroom)
M: Hi, I'm Mik.
B: Hi, Mike, I'm Bell--
M: Uh, it's Mik, Mik. Like prick. Or d--
Teach: Okay, class, in your seats. NOW!
B: (walks to her seat) Oh, crap.
E: Hello, Bessie.
B: My name's Bella.
E: Right. How's your leg?
B: You shot me.
E: I know. How is it?
B: You shot me.
E: Yeah. Are you okay?
B: You shot me three times. My leg almost came off. I'm limping.
E: My dad said you would. He operated on you, didn't he?
B: Yeah, so? You shot me!
E: I know! Hey...(sniffs the air) You smell good!
(Silence)
E: Really good!
(more silence)
E: (whispers) Hey, Bree.
(silence, taps her desk)
E: Breeee (silence) Breeee (pokes her with his pencil) Bree!
B: Ow! I'm bleeding! (looks at E) What?
E: (waves) Hi. (sees the blood) Uh-oh...
****
Scene III
(B enters home)
B: Hi Dad.
C: Hi.
B: Can you help me up the stairs?
C: Why? You can walk.
B: I got shot, Dad. With your gun.
C: Hey, it's not my fault he stole it.
B: Yes it is! You left it in a bathroom!
C: So? You pissed him off.
B: He's an idiot!
C: With a gun. He's the last person I'd mess with.
B: You're the sheriff.
C: Without a gun! What do you think I am, stupid?
B: (mutters) Yes.
C: What?
B: Nothing! Help me up the stairs!
C: Oh, Edward called. He says he's sorry.
B: It's about time! Is he giving the gun back?
C: Not for that, for poking you in Biology. It was an accident.
B: What? He apologizes for that?
C: Yeah...(silence)
C: What's for dinner?
****
Scene IV
(B sees E in parking lot)
E: Oh, hi Belinda. (smacks him)Ouch! What'd you do that for?
B: You apologize for poking me with a pencil but not for shooting me? You could've killed me!
E: It was an accident. And a pencil can't kill you.
B: Not the pencil, the gun!
E: I never poked you with a gun.
B: No! You shot me! Three times!
E: I did? (B stares while he thinks) Oh yeah! (laughs) I remember it like it was yesterday.
B: It was yesterday!
E: What? No. (shakes his head) It was a long time ago.
B: I've only known you for two days!
E: Whatever. You wanna go to Seattle with me tomorrow? (B glares at him) What?
B: You... shot me...
E: So?
B: What guys shoots a girl, then asks her out>
E: Maybe that's his way of saying he likes her.
B: By shooting her?
E: Hey, some guys flirt differently. I didn't make it that way. Anyway, wanna go?
B: I---! (rolls her eyes and sighs) Oh, what the hell.
E: Cool. See you, Britney.
B: Bella! It's Bella you idiot!
E: (turns around) What? (tries to shoot her but there's no bullets, so he throws it at her, knocking her out)
(silence)
E: Oops. See you tomorrow!
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And keep your eyes out for the sequels to Twilight's FANGS!:
The movie based on New Moon (FUR!)
And, of course, the movie based on Eclipse (FIGHT!)
(Heh, heh, heh, just kidding...)
