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Gwenevire
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 Posted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 12:40 am Post subject: Friend Or Foe? |
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Setting:
A small lime green room. A twin bed is set in the corner draped with a white comforter. A series of multi coloured pillows litter the top end of the bed. Images of animals cut out from magazines and taken off of the internet are pinned along her walls.
Opening Scene:
A small girl is crouched over a opened book. She is holding it open with her left hand while the other is occupied on stroking a black cat that sits at the foot of her bed. A phone rings loudly alarming the girl and sending the cat shooting out of the room. The girl slowly pulls away from her book and turns to pick up her black razor phone. She flips it open and presses it wearily to her ear.
Rachel: (Wearily) Hello...?
Madison: (Extremely Loud) Hey Rache!
Rachel: (Happily) Oh! Hey Madison! Sorry I was in the middle of a really good book...(Begins reading book again and trails off...) So how are things...
Madison: Really good! I just got back from a really long swim practice. And guess what! Martha was being a real pain is the ass! Can you believe it she pushed me off of the diving board...I was not even ready and I got a mouthful of water!
Rachel: (slowly) Hmm...
Madison: Rache! You aren't even listening!
Rachel: Hmm... what... Yes! I am listening. Oh sorry...
Madison: (Bossily) You know what! I am going to come over there. And we are going to talk!
Rachel: sure...
Madison: (Sighs and hangs up)
Rachel: (Lets her hand slowly fall from her face and never takes her eyes off of her book)
Mom: (from off stage) Rachel! I need you go to the store and get me some milk! I will give you some money but I expect change!
Rachel: (lifts head from book several seconds latter) What? Oh yah sure...(resumes reading)
Mom:(walks into room) Okay her is 5 dollars! Please be quick I need it for the desert!
Rachel:(Slowly pulls away from book) Yes... mom!
Mom: Don't yes mom me! Now get up and go!
Rachel:(roles eyes and takes 5 dollar bill gingerly from mom's had) Oh yah. Madison is coming over. I hope that's okay with you mother!
Mom: Madison! Which one is she again? (does't wait for reply) Sure... now get going!
Rachel: (Stomps off set noisily)
Fade in to the front door.
(Knock knock)
Mom: (Walks to door and opens it) Hello Madison!
Madison: Hello Ms. Wilson!
Mom: And how are you sweetie? Begins to beckon Madison into the house
Madison: Very good thank you... (Walks in, stamps feet and begins to take off all winter clothing.)
Mom: Rachel is just out to get some milk. She will be back soon. (smiles and walks back upstairs.)
Madison (Hangs coat mitts and hat in cupboard and slides off boots. Then tiptoes up stairs.
Fade out of front door
Set change. Back in Rachel's room.
Madison is sitting cross legged on Rachel's bed flipping through a Vogue magazine.
Open and close of door downstairs and then footsteps leading up.
Rachel: Mom I am back. I put the milk on the counter.
Mom: Thank you honey.
Rachel walks into room
Rachel: Madison!
Madison: (looks up from magazine) Hey Rache!
Rachel sits down on bed next to Madison.
Madison: Did you know that the average amount of sleep a teen needs is at least nine hours a night?
Rachel: Really? I kinda new but I never really thought about it.
Nine hours? We only get like four!
Both girls flop backwards on the bed and start to snore loudly. Before bursting out in laughter.
Madison Don't you ever wish you where one of those cool people? That always get all the boys and always get picked for class rep.
Rachel No... Not really. I was just reading about them in this book. Its called 'The Real Deal' and it talked about all those groups and cliques. Well apparently once you get into them the people don't really treat you as friends. They just follow you around and you get judged on everything.
Personally I wouldn't want that.
Madison I would... Instead of stealing your stuff they would steal stuff for you. All the boys would ask you out, and I would be a somebody in the class.
Rachel Really? I wouldn't dream of doing that.
You know what. Since you are so enthusiastic about it... I dare you to join one of the top girl groups in our class and stay in it for a week!
Madison But I couldn't leave you. Your my best friend. Who would you hang out with?
Rachel Don't worry about you. I could use some catch up time with my older friends. Like the boys. I could go play sports with them for once without you complaining the whole time.
Its your life do what you want.
Madison Rachel you rock!
But they wont except me into their group. I am not noticeable or pretty.
Rachel Don't be silly. You are a very pretty young lady. And with the right amount of make-up they will be begging you to join them.
Madison I guess that would work... All right Rachel your on!
Rachel Good! We can arrange a date every week to catch up and hang out. Now lets get started with that make up of yours.
Fade out of room
Open into a yellow bathroom. Madison is seated on the toilet and Rachel is busy rummaging through a bin of make-up.
Madison I can't believe we are doing this. Do you think they will except me?
Rachel Of coarse!
(walks back over to Madison and begins to carefully bring some clear lip gloss over Madison's lips.) Now just for the mascara.
(Adds mascara)
Tada! Who let the model in?
(Hands Madison mirror.)
Madison (After studying her face for a few short seconds she smiles)
Wow. I look really hot! (laughs)
Thanks Rach!
Um... Now my clothes.
(looks down)
Rachel I was afraid you where going to ask that. Well... I guess we could go to the mall.
Madison Now?
Rachel Yes now silly! We have school tomorrow! When els would we go?
Do you have any money?
Madison Yes I do! All that baby-sitting is finally paying off.
Rachel Good! Cause we gon' shop till we drop!
They laugh
Rachel You go get dressed and I will tell my mom.
Madison Okay!
Both girls exit
(more coming soon) |
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Last edited by Gwenevire on Thu Dec 13, 2007 3:48 am; edited 7 times in total |
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spiritblackwolf2705
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| Posted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 10:27 pm Post subject: |
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| Hey, good job! There were a few spelling mistakes I found, like Witch instead of which, but that was pretty much it. |
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Gwenevire
I could run forever
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| Posted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 10:31 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks!  |
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Wolf
ςђเคг๏รςยг๏
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| Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 4:15 pm Post subject: |
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Cool!
I liked this. It reminds me of us, and the setting is very similar to my room. And my mom always asks me to go to the candy store 
It's a bit short though. I can relate with the characters, especially Rachel. She reminds me of Me. Silly, isn't it?
If you are going to make this longer, PM me or leave a message in my GB and I'll give you a proper review. 
Keep writing,
.:AYRA:. |
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Gwenevire
I could run forever
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| Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 9:44 pm Post subject: |
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Well... Thats the thing Ayra! I based Rachel on you!
Well... us I guess! I will continue soon! |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
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| Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2007 6:01 am Post subject: |
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Nice. A few mistakes I noticed:
You call Madison Morgan a bit. I don't get that, is it just a mistake?
Capatilize sure.
| Quote: |
Madison: (Sighs and hangs up)
Rachel: (Lets her hand slowly fall from her face and never takes her eyes off of her book) |
This should be
Madison sighs and hangs up. Rachel lets her hand fall from her face and never takes her eyes off her book.
| Quote: |
| Okay her is 5 dollars! |
Here
Apart from that it was good. Is there more coming? If so, could you please PM me so I can read it? |
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*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
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Gwenevire
I could run forever
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| Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2007 12:29 am Post subject: |
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Thanks!
I will |
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Buddadancer
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| Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 1:21 am Post subject: |
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| It's so good omg it's funny cause Ayra you are like Rachel! lol |
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Gwenevire
I could run forever
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| Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 1:35 am Post subject: |
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| Haha. Thanks. Do you go to her school or something? |
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Rigel
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| Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 9:29 pm Post subject: |
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| This has no plot. It's a nice little scene, but it has no plot. I can accept this as an exercise in dialogue, but not as a play. The climax is when one girl is asked to buy milk, for goodness' sake. What is here is good, but what is here is nothing significant. |
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Gwenevire
I could run forever
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| Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 9:50 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks...
I am continuing it I just haven't gotten to the plot yet. |
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jonny911
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| Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 10:47 pm Post subject: |
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That probaly is a problem. You really should keep your plot in mind throughout the entire writing, so you have an idea of how one thing relates to the rest of the story as a whole. And even so, this piece would seem a little unnessasry in any plot. But was it good? Yes! I think you portrayed Rachael very well. It just is that this piece may get lost when you choose a plot.
And it would be appreciated if you could fix your spelling and the formating ([b],[/i]) at the end. But good job! |
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smorgishborg
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 1:35 am Post subject: |
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Again, the context problem. is this interesting in any way? No. I'm trying to redeem the last minute of my life by writing this critique. YOU NEED A PLOT ARC IF YOU ARE GOING TO POST SOMETHING!!! I'm serious. Otherwise, why bother read anything on these forums?
Your crit in the spoiler.
Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)
Setting:
A small lime green room. A twin bed is set in the corner draped with a white comforter. A series of multi coloured pillows litter the top end of the bed. Images of animals cut out from magazines and taken off of the internet are pinned along her walls.
Opening Scene:
A small girl is crouched over a opened book. She is holding it open with her left hand while the other is occupied on stroking a black cat that sits at the foot of her bed. A phone rings loudly alarming the girl and sending the cat shooting out of the room. The girl slowly pulls away from her book and turns to pick up her black razor Is that really necessary? phone. She flips it open and presses it wearily to her ear.
Rachel: (Wearily) Hello...?
Madison: (Extremely Loud) Hey Rache!
Rachel: (Happily) Oh! Hey Morg! Sorry I was in the middle of a really good book...(Begins reading book again and trails off...) So how are things...
Madison: Really good! I just got back from a really long swim practice. And guess what! Martha was being a real pain is the ass! Can you believe it , she pushed me off of the diving board...I was not wasn't even ready and I got a mouthful of water! Remember your contractions.
Rachel: (slowly) Hmm...
Madison: Rache! You aren't even listening!
Rachel: Hmm... what ?... Yes! I am listening. Oh sorry...
Madison: (Bossily) You know what ? I am I'm going to come over there. And we are we're going to talk!
Rachel: sure...
Madison: (Sighs and hangs up) Keep your stage directions as stage directions. Not dialogue.
Rachel: (Lets her hand slowly fall from her face and never takes her eyes off of her book) ditto.
Mom: (from off stage) Rachel! I need you go to the store and get me some milk! I will I'll give you some money but I expect change!
Rachel: (lifts head from book several seconds latter) What? Oh yah sure...(resumes reading)
Mom:(walks into room) Okay her e is 5 dollars! Please be quick I need it for the desert!
Rachel:(Slowly pulls away from book) Yes... mom!
Mom: Don't yes mom me! Now get up and go!
Rachel:(roles eyes and takes 5 dollar bill gingerly from mom's had) Oh yah. Morgan is coming over. I hope that's okay with you , mother!
Mom: Morgan! Which one is she again? Is she being sarcastic? I would think she'd know her daughter's friends, especially if she just "comes over". (does't wait for reply) Sure... now get going!
Rachel: (Stomps off set noisily) ditto. ditto.
Fade in fade in to what?
Madison: (Knock knock) ditto. ditto. ditto.
Mom: (Walks to door and opens it) Hello Madison! See? I told you she knows her!
Madison: Hello Ms. Wilson!
Mom: And how are you sweetie? Begins to beacon "beacon?" You mean she sets up a lighted passageway on the floor? . It's "beckon" Madison into the house
Madison: Very good thank you... (Walks in, stamps feet and begins to take off all winter clothing.)
Mom: Rachel is just out to get some milk. She will she'll be back soon. (smiles and walks back upstairs.)
It's too short, and you're characters don't use contractions. This is a problem. Please post more, and I'll tell you what I think of your plot. |
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Gwenevire
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 3:07 am Post subject: |
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Thanks. I am thinking for my plot but what could I do?
A fight is to cliched and I don't know how I could do this. Hmm... Maybe Madison starts to hand out with cooler people and she takes up some addictions like drinking and smoking and she turns into a bitch.
Then Rachel can struggle to get her friend back and in the end Madison dies in a car accident... Or something.
Or is that cliched as well? |
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Rigel
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 3:14 am Post subject: |
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| If we gave you a plot, it would be our story, not yours. |
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